Morning everyone.  I’m tired today.  Woke up with lingering images still in my head.  Remnants of a dream world that I didn’t want to leave.  Most of the time, my dreams are nightmares, the kind that leave you shaken and paranoid to fall back asleep.  But every so often, I’ll have a good night where my dreams are filled with hope and love and safety and .. in the case of last night – the most incredible, hottest sex ever.  🙂  Hence my not wanting to awake and join the real world.  It’s rare that I get lost in such a positive dream world.

I have made an interesting discovery.  Normally – this time of year is the worst for me.  Having lost Ben at Thanksgiving, this time of year is usually filled with both christmas cheer and a sadness that he’s not here to enjoy it with me and the kids.  I do my best tho, to make the holiday be magical for my children, and hide from them my general state of melancholy.  This year, at least so far, has been different.  I still think of Ben every day.  I touch a picture I have of him on my desk at work and say good morning to him every day.  But this year, I’m not sad.  Ok maybe a little, but it’s different this year.  I think he’d be proud of me…despite the fact that I didn’t stay with his father.
Because of some really good friends, my thanksgiving was filled with joy and hope and not my usual sadness.  I don’t think I’ve ever been so grateful for a friend and I can honestly say, it’s been a very long time since I’ve had this kind of hope but I have a shit ton of baggage.  I’m this strange combination of confidence and insecurity.  I don’t know that I’d say I’m broken – but in a lot of ways that’s probably an accurate description.  My previous life left a path of damage not unlike what’s left behind a tornado’s path.  I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing.  And coming from me, that’s quite a statement.  I’m so scared to mess it up, to scare people away.  I’m scared that all my instincts are off.  I’m scared that people won’t see me.  And I mean, really SEE me.  I’ve done a lot of self discovery in the last year. I like who I am…even if I am still a little messed up.

Things I’ve discovered about myself that I didn’t know…as sad as some if it might be:

1. My inner strength and how strong I am
2. I am a DAMN good mom. 🙂 My kids are happy.  I mean down and out sincerely happy.
3. I am a sexual creature – who knew!?  Amazing what happens when you’re no longer with someone who has no sex drive or appreciation for a woman who wants to please her man.
4. Not only am I sexual – but I’m damn sexy! You know how I know?  I had some boudoir photography done.  For someone as insecure as I am, this is HUGE.  And I can honestly say it was one of the BEST experiences I’ve ever had.  I needed to prove to myself after leaving my ex that I was sexy, and sultry and not an unwanted troll.  HOLY COW can we say mission accomplished?    I will also be the advocate for ANY and ALL women to do this for themselves.  Doesn’t matter your age or weight – DO IT.
   
   I thought long and hard about whether I wanted to share any of them… as personally – this is something I would normally keep private.  But I wanted to prove that I did indeed do this.  So here is one of the safer ones I will share.
5. I don’t always want to be in control.  In fact, there are a lot of times when I don’t want to be in control at all. Being a parent and a leader at work means I’m the boss – a lot.  I don’t want to be the boss at home.  I think this is why the idea of finding a real MAN appeals to me so much.
6. Communication and blunt honesty is SO much better than stuffing it down and being polite.  Yea, you might upset a few people every now and then, but in the long run, honest communication trumps all.
7. I am smart.  I made a goal for myself a year ago that I wanted to have 30 patents (with my name as an inventor) by the time I hit 40.  I’m WELL on my way…with 5 now officially under my belt. 🙂

Hmm this list could get a lot longer – but we’ll leave it there for the time being.  Happy Tuesday everyone!