Tag: holiday

A lot on the mind today..

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Ever had one of those days where there is so much floating through the brain that you can’t even quite grasp a hold of a piece of it to fully analyze it?  That’s a bit where I’m at today.  Christmas is over, it came and went rather fast.  Was definitely an odd one, not bad, but different than the normal traditions.

My phone started blowing up around 9am on Christmas morning.  Texts from family, friends, old dates that I haven’t heard or wanted to hear from lol all wishing me a happy holiday and asking if I got everything I wanted.  Meh. do we EVER as adults? 🙂  And of course, there were the people who should have called or texted, and didn’t.  They never do.  My father being one of those people.  I decided this year, that I wasn’t going to call him.  It’s not that I don’t love the man.. I do.  But it’s a hurt love.  The kind where you know you shouldn’t – but you do.  You see, when I call him, I get guilted on why we never talk.  And yet, I always am the one to do the calling.  Apparently his phone only works one way.  I wanted to talk to my brother… but that means spending at least 20 minutes hearing Dad go all kissy kissy on the phone … saying how much he loves me and blah blah blah – yea ok dad.  I see you maybe 3 times a year if i’m lucky.  You know little to nothing about me, nor have you ever really cared to.  You flat out told me to my face growing up that you didn’t want to be my father, you’d rather be my friend.  And a lousy friend no less.  And aside from my ex, you’re probably the one man on the planet who’s done more emotional damage to me … the things you said after Ben passed away – all i can say is Fuck you and fuck off! 🙂  LOL.  But here I sit, feeling the old familiar guilt of being the bad daughter who didn’t call her dad.  Stupid guilt.

I didn’t hear from my best friend.  I don’t know that I can call him my best friend anymore.  I’ve reached out to him once a week for the last month or so; with only crickets for a response.  Did so again on christmas eve… thinking – well he might need space and distance from me – but it’s christmas!  Nope.  I hurt him.  Hard.  Didn’t mean to.  He wanted a lot more from me than I am or was capable of giving.  On that note… how do you mail a ring overseas?  I need to return it and feel like its so risky to send something so expensive and small via mail.  Sigh.  And quite frankly – I don’t handle distance well.  I miss him tho.  A 14 year friendship doesn’t just end over night.  At least not in my mind.  Maybe it wasn’t that big of a deal to him.  Who knows.  I wish him the best tho.  I really do.  I hope someday – he’ll realize that I wasn’t the girl for him anyway.  That I’ve always been his friend… and will always be rooting for him.  As a friend.

I’m also lost in thought about leaving my current job and starting my new one.  Feeling a mix of excitement and sadness from leaving some really cool team mates behind.  I just hope I can continue to wow them in the new gig.

I think I found a recording studio.  🙂  I used to be a singer.  Music was (and still is) very important to me.  I’ve looked for about a year to find a recording studio in seattle that will have the right musicians I could use to record some of my stuff before I “lose it”.  Would be nice to show my kids or grand kids someday “Look kids -your grandmother could bring people to tears with her voice once upon a time…” 🙂  I just hope it goes well.  I hate hearing myself over a recording.  It never sounds the same as it did from within my head.  Just need to figure out how many songs I want to capture.

Need to reclaim my house tonight when I get home.  It’s been taken over by the post holiday mess.  Should be good times! 🙂  Happy Thursday Everyone!!

The spirit of christmas

Jen1 Comment

christmas

I’m just not feeling it this year.  I’m trying.  I’m putting in my usual effort – sorta.  Only sorta.  It’s strange.  I’m THE Christmas girl.  I’m competitive with my mom over who’s tree is the prettiest. 🙂  I make gifts of cookies and home made Kahlua and pass them out to friends.  I once was a professional gift wrapper for a year in between jobs and am proud to be able to make some of the coolest looking presents on the planet.  The lady who taught me to make bows was a bow nazi.  Very strict and precise.  I’m grateful to her actually.  My bows will put Martha Stewart’s to shame.  🙂

This year, I didn’t do Kahlua.  I didn’t do cookies.  We didn’t go drive around look at Christmas lights, drinking peppermint cocoa and listening to Christmas tunes.  We didn’t go sit by the bonfire and watch the ships decked out in holiday lights listening to the choir sing, bundled up like that kid in a Christmas Story.  I put my tree up.  It’s lovely this year.  Best yet in fact.  I’ve wrapped most of my gifts, still need to finish up actually.  And everyone is being thoroughly spoiled, which is fantastic.  But that’s it.  No lights on the house.  I am definitely lacking in the Christmas spirit department, and unfortunately, it’s not something I can go pick up at the department store.  I don’t think I’ll find it hidden among the other goodies on aisle 5.

There are many reasons for my lack of spirit this year.  All are valid, and yet, I’m still confused by it.  Christmas is my favorite time of year.  A time when human light conquers dark.  I’m not religious, and I’m not speaking from a religious standpoint.  Some of my family are getting older.  We’ve already had a few ups and downs this year with them.  We’re keeping things low key this year.  And that is perfectly acceptable to me.  I’m feeling low key this year.  I had to buy my own gifts this year.  Honestly, I have every year for quite some time, but always put someone else’s name on the tag.  This year it was different.  Who do I put on the tag?  Myself?  It’s weird buying a gift for yourself.  I only picked up a couple of things, so I’d have something to unwrap while everyone else was digging into their piles.  A box of chocolates, a pair of gloves, and a candle holder that I couldn’t stop eyeing.  I don’t mind not having anything for me, I can buy myself what I want when I need to.  I just don’t want to feel the way I do about it.  Like somehow, others will look down on me, or feel sorry for me.  Look, there’s the fluffy who has no one.  But maybe that’s just what I hear in my own head.

There’s also been the challenge of trying to figure out who goes where and does what this christmas.  Navigating holiday time was already complicated, but now with an ex and a step son that I still have in my life, navigating this one has been tough.  I didn’t know what was appropriate as far as buying gifts for them.  I just went with my gut and then cut it down a little.  😀  Otherwise, knowing me, I’ll have gone overboard.

I was supposed to go see the christmas ships tonight.  The ex and I were going to go and see them, as it’s a tradition.  Just as friends.  But he’s sick, and none of us want to get it.  So I cancelled.  And I’m ok with that too.  I don’t know that I was in the mood to go.  I’m hoping I’ll find some christmas spirit here in the next day or so.  I love the magic that comes with christmas time.  I hope that it will somehow leave an imprint on me.  🙂

The week is halfway over!

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It’s slowing down at work.  It always does this time of year.  People busy bustling about, getting some last minute shopping done at lunch time, planning their vacations to visit family and loved ones.  It’s the one time of year that you get to get a glimpse into your coworker’s personal lives.  They come in and share stories of the christmas parties they’d attended, the gifts they agonized over picking out, the surprises they planned for their kids.  I love it.  There’s an energy in the air this time of year that almost sizzles with anticipation.  Mix that with the twinkle lights, tinsel and snow – and what you’re left with is magical. 

I’m determined to inject as much of this lovely magic into my daily routine as I can between now and new years.  Maybe if I’m lucky, some of it will hang around even longer. 🙂

Happy Wednesday Everyone!

 

A sleepy ramble…

Jen3 Comments

dreams

Morning everyone.  I’m tired today.  Woke up with lingering images still in my head.  Remnants of a dream world that I didn’t want to leave.  Most of the time, my dreams are nightmares, the kind that leave you shaken and paranoid to fall back asleep.  But every so often, I’ll have a good night where my dreams are filled with hope and love and safety and .. in the case of last night – the most incredible, hottest sex ever.  🙂  Hence my not wanting to awake and join the real world.  It’s rare that I get lost in such a positive dream world.

I have made an interesting discovery.  Normally – this time of year is the worst for me.  Having lost Ben at Thanksgiving, this time of year is usually filled with both christmas cheer and a sadness that he’s not here to enjoy it with me and the kids.  I do my best tho, to make the holiday be magical for my children, and hide from them my general state of melancholy.  This year, at least so far, has been different.  I still think of Ben every day.  I touch a picture I have of him on my desk at work and say good morning to him every day.  But this year, I’m not sad.  Ok maybe a little, but it’s different this year.  I think he’d be proud of me…despite the fact that I didn’t stay with his father.
Because of some really good friends, my thanksgiving was filled with joy and hope and not my usual sadness.  I don’t think I’ve ever been so grateful for a friend and I can honestly say, it’s been a very long time since I’ve had this kind of hope but I have a shit ton of baggage.  I’m this strange combination of confidence and insecurity.  I don’t know that I’d say I’m broken – but in a lot of ways that’s probably an accurate description.  My previous life left a path of damage not unlike what’s left behind a tornado’s path.  I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing.  And coming from me, that’s quite a statement.  I’m so scared to mess it up, to scare people away.  I’m scared that all my instincts are off.  I’m scared that people won’t see me.  And I mean, really SEE me.  I’ve done a lot of self discovery in the last year. I like who I am…even if I am still a little messed up.

Things I’ve discovered about myself that I didn’t know…as sad as some if it might be:

  1. My inner strength and how strong I am
  2. I am a DAMN good mom. 🙂 My kids are happy.  I mean down and out sincerely happy.
  3. I am a sexual creature – who knew!?  Amazing what happens when you’re no longer with someone who has no sex drive or appreciation for a woman who wants to please her man.
  4. Not only am I sexual – but I’m damn sexy! You know how I know?  I had some boudoir photography done.  For someone as insecure as I am, this is HUGE.  And I can honestly say it was one of the BEST experiences I’ve ever had.  I needed to prove to myself after leaving my ex that I was sexy, and sultry and not an unwanted troll.  HOLY COW can we say mission accomplished?    I will also be the advocate for ANY and ALL women to do this for themselves.  Doesn’t matter your age or weight – DO IT.

    I thought long and hard about whether I wanted to share any of them… as personally – this is something I would normally keep private.  But I wanted to prove that I did indeed do this.  So here is one of the safer ones I will share.
  5. I don’t always want to be in control.  In fact, there are a lot of times when I don’t want to be in control at all. Being a parent and a leader at work means I’m the boss – a lot.  I don’t want to be the boss at home.  I think this is why the idea of finding a real MAN appeals to me so much.
  6. Communication and blunt honesty is SO much better than stuffing it down and being polite.  Yea, you might upset a few people every now and then, but in the long run, honest communication trumps all.
  7. I am smart.  I made a goal for myself a year ago that I wanted to have 30 patents (with my name as an inventor) by the time I hit 40.  I’m WELL on my way…with 5 now officially under my belt. 🙂

Hmm this list could get a lot longer – but we’ll leave it there for the time being.  Happy Tuesday everyone!