I’m just not feeling it this year.  I’m trying.  I’m putting in my usual effort – sorta.  Only sorta.  It’s strange.  I’m THE Christmas girl.  I’m competitive with my mom over who’s tree is the prettiest. 🙂  I make gifts of cookies and home made Kahlua and pass them out to friends.  I once was a professional gift wrapper for a year in between jobs and am proud to be able to make some of the coolest looking presents on the planet.  The lady who taught me to make bows was a bow nazi.  Very strict and precise.  I’m grateful to her actually.  My bows will put Martha Stewart’s to shame.  🙂

This year, I didn’t do Kahlua.  I didn’t do cookies.  We didn’t go drive around look at Christmas lights, drinking peppermint cocoa and listening to Christmas tunes.  We didn’t go sit by the bonfire and watch the ships decked out in holiday lights listening to the choir sing, bundled up like that kid in a Christmas Story.  I put my tree up.  It’s lovely this year.  Best yet in fact.  I’ve wrapped most of my gifts, still need to finish up actually.  And everyone is being thoroughly spoiled, which is fantastic.  But that’s it.  No lights on the house.  I am definitely lacking in the Christmas spirit department, and unfortunately, it’s not something I can go pick up at the department store.  I don’t think I’ll find it hidden among the other goodies on aisle 5.

There are many reasons for my lack of spirit this year.  All are valid, and yet, I’m still confused by it.  Christmas is my favorite time of year.  A time when human light conquers dark.  I’m not religious, and I’m not speaking from a religious standpoint.  Some of my family are getting older.  We’ve already had a few ups and downs this year with them.  We’re keeping things low key this year.  And that is perfectly acceptable to me.  I’m feeling low key this year.  I had to buy my own gifts this year.  Honestly, I have every year for quite some time, but always put someone else’s name on the tag.  This year it was different.  Who do I put on the tag?  Myself?  It’s weird buying a gift for yourself.  I only picked up a couple of things, so I’d have something to unwrap while everyone else was digging into their piles.  A box of chocolates, a pair of gloves, and a candle holder that I couldn’t stop eyeing.  I don’t mind not having anything for me, I can buy myself what I want when I need to.  I just don’t want to feel the way I do about it.  Like somehow, others will look down on me, or feel sorry for me.  Look, there’s the fluffy who has no one.  But maybe that’s just what I hear in my own head.

There’s also been the challenge of trying to figure out who goes where and does what this christmas.  Navigating holiday time was already complicated, but now with an ex and a step son that I still have in my life, navigating this one has been tough.  I didn’t know what was appropriate as far as buying gifts for them.  I just went with my gut and then cut it down a little.  😀  Otherwise, knowing me, I’ll have gone overboard.

I was supposed to go see the christmas ships tonight.  The ex and I were going to go and see them, as it’s a tradition.  Just as friends.  But he’s sick, and none of us want to get it.  So I cancelled.  And I’m ok with that too.  I don’t know that I was in the mood to go.  I’m hoping I’ll find some christmas spirit here in the next day or so.  I love the magic that comes with christmas time.  I hope that it will somehow leave an imprint on me.  🙂