Ever had one of those days where there is so much floating through the brain that you can’t even quite grasp a hold of a piece of it to fully analyze it? That’s a bit where I’m at today. Christmas is over, it came and went rather fast. Was definitely an odd one, not bad, but different than the normal traditions.
My phone started blowing up around 9am on Christmas morning. Texts from family, friends, old dates that I haven’t heard or wanted to hear from lol all wishing me a happy holiday and asking if I got everything I wanted. Meh. do we EVER as adults? 🙂 And of course, there were the people who should have called or texted, and didn’t. They never do. My father being one of those people. I decided this year, that I wasn’t going to call him. It’s not that I don’t love the man.. I do. But it’s a hurt love. The kind where you know you shouldn’t – but you do. You see, when I call him, I get guilted on why we never talk. And yet, I always am the one to do the calling. Apparently his phone only works one way. I wanted to talk to my brother… but that means spending at least 20 minutes hearing Dad go all kissy kissy on the phone … saying how much he loves me and blah blah blah – yea ok dad. I see you maybe 3 times a year if i’m lucky. You know little to nothing about me, nor have you ever really cared to. You flat out told me to my face growing up that you didn’t want to be my father, you’d rather be my friend. And a lousy friend no less. And aside from my ex, you’re probably the one man on the planet who’s done more emotional damage to me … the things you said after Ben passed away – all i can say is Fuck you and fuck off! 🙂 LOL. But here I sit, feeling the old familiar guilt of being the bad daughter who didn’t call her dad. Stupid guilt.
I didn’t hear from my best friend. I don’t know that I can call him my best friend anymore. I’ve reached out to him once a week for the last month or so; with only crickets for a response. Did so again on christmas eve… thinking – well he might need space and distance from me – but it’s christmas! Nope. I hurt him. Hard. Didn’t mean to. He wanted a lot more from me than I am or was capable of giving. On that note… how do you mail a ring overseas? I need to return it and feel like its so risky to send something so expensive and small via mail. Sigh. And quite frankly – I don’t handle distance well. I miss him tho. A 14 year friendship doesn’t just end over night. At least not in my mind. Maybe it wasn’t that big of a deal to him. Who knows. I wish him the best tho. I really do. I hope someday – he’ll realize that I wasn’t the girl for him anyway. That I’ve always been his friend… and will always be rooting for him. As a friend.
I’m also lost in thought about leaving my current job and starting my new one. Feeling a mix of excitement and sadness from leaving some really cool team mates behind. I just hope I can continue to wow them in the new gig.
I think I found a recording studio. 🙂 I used to be a singer. Music was (and still is) very important to me. I’ve looked for about a year to find a recording studio in seattle that will have the right musicians I could use to record some of my stuff before I “lose it”. Would be nice to show my kids or grand kids someday “Look kids -your grandmother could bring people to tears with her voice once upon a time…” 🙂 I just hope it goes well. I hate hearing myself over a recording. It never sounds the same as it did from within my head. Just need to figure out how many songs I want to capture.
Need to reclaim my house tonight when I get home. It’s been taken over by the post holiday mess. Should be good times! 🙂 Happy Thursday Everyone!!
One thought on “A lot on the mind today..”
You reflect perfectly my fears as a father. Reading your post helps me know that I will never do that to my girl (or any of my children, for that matter). I feel for you in that department.
You’re a singer? That’s awesome. What is your style?
Sorry to hear that things with south with a long term friend. That sucks for sure. As for the ring, fedex or UPS will be best. They cover their deliveries pretty well.