I’m losing my voice

It has me feeling a bit upset to be honest. I’m hoping it is temporary. My surgery on the 5th should help a bit, but it still has me nervous. Being able to sing has always been my thing! My grandparents called me Jenny Wren – because I was their song bird. Either I was playing an instrument, singing a song or dancing to something for a HUGE chunk of every single day that I was growing up. And I love that.

The past year or so, I’ve gone kind of quiet. The only place I really jam out anymore is in the car – and sometimes in the shower. This past month or so, I’ve been turning on the tunes more often when I’m home. It’s felt good to let the music flow through me again. I didn’t realize how much of a mood lift it can really be. Makes me want to plan a night with some good wine, some good music, soft candlelight, maybe a fire in the fireplace. So soothing to my soul.

Now if only I can get this silly throat thing fixed and healed up so I can sing again.

Good morning Neverland! 🙂 I hope you enjoy your day.

Some late night rambles…

throwaway2 I missed a counseling appointment today.  I haven’t given it much thought.  I think it’s a sign that perhaps I need to keep looking for a different counselor.  This last guy was ok, just extremely young.  He admitted to his inexperience with a lot of what I was bringing to him.  Didn’t give me the greatest desire to return. But I need to find someone to talk to.  I’m not using my blog much these days.  It’s not because I don’t love it…. I do.  It’s simply because lately, it doesn’t seem like a safe place to come and rant to.  It’s an odd feeling.

Something kind of interesting dawned on me tonight as I was playing cards with T and R.  I’m missing something in my life, and I couldn’t put my finger on it.  Until tonight.  Music.  I’ve always been the one who had music playing in my house; mostly in my kitchen.  I’ve always been the one who’ll bust a move with the kids and dance and sing my heart out.

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I’ll admit something here.  When I would be home alone, I used to love belting out Italian and French arias in different rooms of the house.  It was always kind of fun to find spots in the house where the acoustics change in different ways.  I haven’t done that in this house.  I’ve thought about it; even contemplated it in the shower and yet I can’t seem to get comfortable enough to do it.  It’s strange.  The moment I start to sing here, I feel self-conscious.  I don’t like that feeling, but at the same time… I miss it.  I miss the effect that music has on me.  It makes me feel understood, it makes me feel calm, reflective, and empowered.

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Tomorrow, I think I might just set up some speakers and see what can be done to rectify this situation.  It won’t help with me not feeling comfortable enough to really sing my heart out here, but it might at least make me feel good enough to dance around and bring that music back to my kids.  They haven’t said anything, but I bet that if I am missing it, they are too.

Much love Neverland.  I hope you are all well.  Goodnight.

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Bring on a new week!

It was an interesting week.  Ben’s birthday came and went.  A few in my inner circle wouldn’t let me spend it alone.  Celebrated in various ways… cake with a sparkler in it,

Ben's cake, with 2 sparklers in place of candles.
Ben’s cake, with 2 sparklers in place of candles.

handing out blankets from a big bag I’d ordered to those who really needed it downtown – which was both fulfilling and heart breaking all at the same time.  A simple piece of fabric is not nearly enough to keep those people warm.

Bag of blankets
Bag of blankets

more than a few cry sessions while looking over old photos thinking about the course life takes in a more general sense of the term.  It’s interesting how a person will come to terms with grief.  This year was a little harder emotionally than I expected it to be, but at the same time, I combatted it with doing kindness acts for others.  I avoided drama at all costs.  Tried to spread smiles.  And that made it somehow ok.

Attended a formal event on Friday night.  Went and got my hair done before hand, wore a new killer dress, and some badass high heels… I felt like a million bucks.  Then Saturday night, I hung out with some old coworker friends, who are more like family, listened to a great band play in their living room complete with fog machine and lighting, ate some great Italian food, it was fantastic and kind of chill. To be honest, it was totally awesome.  The band was great, the conversation was around music, Halloween, kids, nerdy things… all things I feel completely at ease jumping in and talking about.  And a few of the party attendees were like family to me, so it was jut a great atmosphere to be in all around.

The band playing in my buddies living room. :)
The band playing in my buddies living room. 🙂

Overall – the week had it’s ups and it’s downs.  In the past, I’d have been a wreck this week.  But this year, between friends, and the way I planned it out… there was simply no reason to be.  I think I did it.  I found a way to really honor Ben, and that has left me content instead. 🙂 But all of that said, all of those plans… had me a bit worn down.  It’s why I planned to have a day, Today, when I’d be by myself.

No kids.  No plans.  A day to myself.  It’s been a while.

I was both, looking forward to it, and for some reason dreading it all at the same time leading up to it this weekend.  And then it came, and I slept in a little.  Then got up, put on my game day jersey and went and had breakfast, tuned into the game and read a book drinking coffee and not talking to anyone.  I had to really push myself to go.  Eating alone is … weird.  Sometimes I don’t mind it, especially if I have something to read… but sometimes, my social side comes out and I get a bit lonely sitting in a busy place by myself.  I worked through it.  Got my book out and I sat and ate and enjoyed a weird moment of quiet bliss where the only person I had to think about was just myself.

I drove to the park.  Watched the geese feed on early morning worms, watched a few brave souls out in rain gear doing the same thing I was.  Enjoying the foggy quiet rainy day.  There are a couple of small sailboats anchored just off the shore, I imagine the people in them are either still sleeping, or doing something indoor-ish, playing checkers while their boat rocks a gentle lulling rock. I love the stormy weather that comes with the fall.

Heavy Downpour --- Image by © Anthony Redpath/Corbis

I love the rain.  Some people look at it as a dreary thing.  Another grey dreary day.  But me?  I like to dance in it.  I like to walk in it.  I don’t care if I get soaking wet.  I’ll sit on a bench and just take it all in.  Falling rain is the opposite from a loudness scale to falling snow. I love the booming thunder, the occasional explosion of light that streaks its way across the sky.  I also love to huddle up inside, light a candle, pretend the power has gone out and drink apple cider or hot chocolate.  Use the storms as an excuse to stay in.

I ran a few errands, and then came home, I worked on my office a bit.  Unpacking and organizing, trying to get it set up to where I can actually use and enjoy it.  I’m sitting in here now.  A candle lit, music playing.  There’s nothing on my walls yet.  It’s driving me a little crazy.  I like to have art on my walls, photographs, paintings, mirrors, sconces… I have them throughout the house.

It got to be dinner time, and I decided to drive over to my favorite Mexican restaurant and treat myself – with the addition of a margarita.  Hey – I’ve always been a fan of tequila, no judging please. 🙂 And now, I’m home, deliciously relaxed, a little quiet, and quite content.  And although I’m not sure I’m looking forward to another week … I know I’ll be ready for it.  Bring it on.  I can take it.  My vacation will be here soon, and I’ll get a real break away from everything. I’m really looking forward to it.  A break away from everything…even technology and phones.  I can’t wait to see that blue water, the white powdery sands.  Bliss!

Goodnight Neverland.  Much love.

lipstick kiss

Downloading on family

My mind is flying tonight.  A million miles a minute about every little thing.  I feel this deep desire to just sit and let the fingers flow over the keyboard.  I don’t know how much of this I will edit.  This will be purely free-flowing thought.  You have been warned. My daughter is home tonight.  […]

The making of a home…and memories

ImagePacking and moving.  I’ve spent the last week slowly making my way through 10 years worth of memories and stuff.  It’s been a great week.  The amount of stuff being donated or tossed is crazy, but in a good way.  It feels good to lighten the load and downsize.  I’m only bringing things into the new house that I actually use and want.  And today, my parents came and saw the new place.  I haven’t felt so nervous about a home in a while.  Would they like it?  Would they approve?  Or would this be a reason to question all that I’ve been doing with my life over the last year and a half?  They loved it.  They hung out for a while.  My mom ran around with my son, taking pictures so she could share with the grandparents.  My step dad made a joke about the front door that will now become a prank to be sure.  We talked about all my stuff.  You see, in my current house, I have 2 dining rooms.  I have 2 living rooms… a large kitchen… a library, a guest room and 2 kids bedrooms… plus mine and the bros rooms.  PLUS the garage.  It’s a LOT.  The ex took a lot when he moved, still has a lot here tho.  I’ve given away a ton.  I’m excited for the new place.  It’s a fresh start for me.  The house is .. well.. perfect for me.  It’s not too big.  It’s quiet and peaceful..the bro has his own space..away from everyone else’s while he figures out getting on his feet again.  I can even picture what I’d do with that space when he does move forward again. 

I had a moment yesterday.  I had some running around to do prior to going to my best friend’s birthday bash.  I decided to take some things to the new house and shower over there.  Be the first to shower in the new house…hehe, I know – I’m a dork.  I was there by myself, as everyone else was still at the old house packing up a van to bring it over.  I had an aria in my head, no clue how it got there, and found myself singing in my bathroom as I unpacked my bag.  I noticed the acoustics were WAY better than my old bathroom and it got me curious.  Imagine if you will, me, singing at the top of my lungs – which let me tell you – I can seriously belt it – walking through each room of my new house.  Embracing happiness, dancing to my own music… trying out different things with different room acoustics and singing like I haven’t in a long while.  I was having a BALL.  Then it dawned on me that any minute the van would pull up and I decided to cut the solo concert short.  😀  But all in all, it was good. 

ImageYou see, I have 2 ways of singing.  The singing I do “for fun” where I sound every day and normal and I’m just messing around…and the singing that comes from some place a little deeper.  I trained professionally for about 6 years or so.  Performed in a few musicals, many recitals and concerts, did a few football games things like that.  That’s when my vibrato comes out… that’s when I journey to some place else.  It’s fun.  But I’m shy to share it with others.  Well – I am and i’m not.  I’ll do it in karaoke occasionally.  They’re strangers.  But letting people I know hear me?  Meh… that’s nerve wracking.  It means so much to me.  I’ve lost so much just in the years I’ve stopped training.  My kids have heard it, Kristen has heard it, My bro, my ex’s.  My parents and grandparents.  Well – some of them, not all.  It takes a lot to earn that trust.  lol. 

Funnily enough, my real father has heard me sing.  I invited him once to a recital.  A bit more intimate.  I painstakingly chose the songs I wanted to sing.  My teacher’s had requirements I had to fit within.  I was allowed 3 songs.  No contemporary music was allowed. This would be the moment…the moment I’d show that man that his daughter was someone to be proud of.  I could sing and I wanted to wow the hell out of him.  I wanted to choose songs to explain how I felt.  As bad as it may seem, I wanted to make him cry.  I chose “Cry me a River” (Jazz), Wishing you were somehow here again (Phantom of the Opera), and a french aria that was about a woman who grew up and realized that she was a powerful amazing strong woman – despite her father.  hehe.   There were about 5-6 of us performing that night.  In a cozy little church.  In between songs, we’d sit with our families.  My dad showed up late and sat a few rows behind my parents and I.  I remember my mom passed me a note on one of the pieces of paper from the pews saying to not worry and to just BELT it.  she knew that was where my music ability shined the brightest.  I think she knew how important this moment was to me.  I got up there and sang..and sang..and SANG.  Each song was better than the first, because each time I got up there I had more conviction…and less butterflies.  My dad was in tears when it was done.  I felt like I was flying.  🙂

Running through my new house singing…made me realize just how much I want to make sure to make it a home.  I left thinking of decor ideas and all sorts of things.  And tonight, I spent a ton of time researching and getting inspiration on pinterest.  And I’ve come to kind of an interesting conclusion.  A happy one of course.  I went about building my home backwards.  And I’m so pleased I did.  I focused on me, my kids, my family and friends first.  Building those relationships to be strong and true at their core.  Spending time with them, quality time, not just superficial garbage.  We have tons of photos, paintings, quotes and sayings…things that mean something to us…those are going to go up.  This is going to be the coolest place ever – because it’s not the decor, or the material stuff that makes a house a home… it’s the people and the love in it. 

Goodnight never-land.  XXO

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