My mind is flying tonight.  A million miles a minute about every little thing.  I feel this deep desire to just sit and let the fingers flow over the keyboard.  I don’t know how much of this I will edit.  This will be purely free-flowing thought.  You have been warned.

My daughter is home tonight.  It was lovely.  We went for fresh juice at the mall – they have this place that has coconut water, pineapple, lime juice, ginger and cayenne pepper as a juice.  It’s this amazingly fresh mix of sweet, tart, and spicy.  Very good stuff.  She got one with orange juice.  Tonight I tried a blueberry, beet concoction.  It was ok. I’ll stick to my normal tho.  I;ve missed her so much.  We had a blast, she finally sang in the car with me today.  🙂  We danced as we waited for the elevator – there was jazzy music playing.  🙂  I love making her laugh.  Or she’ll throw out an observation or comment and I’ll stop and look at her and ask her why.  Why does something work that way or why does she think a certain way about something.  Usually it’s when she’s made a judgment about something or someone.  I love watching her think through her explanation and lay it out for me.  She’s one smart cookie.  🙂  She loves being over at Grandma and Grandpa’s though and it’s allowing her to finish school for the next couple weeks before coming to join at the new house.  Grandma’s been taking her shopping after school or marshmallow roasts at night under the stars and trips to the zoo, all sorts of fun things, she’s having a blast.  Heck, I’m jealous, wouldn’t mind doing some of those things myself.

She wanted to watch a show together – there are a few we will watch on occasion together.  I told her to pick one and meet me in my bedroom and we’d snuggle and watch.  She chose to keep going in the series of Jericho.  I really debated whether I wanted to let her watch it when we first started this series.  But after thinking it through, knowing we’d be watching it together, we started.  She loves the show.  She has a billion questions about things.  She makes snap judgments about whether or not she thinks someone in the show is trust worthy and wants me to get in and cheer with her when she thinks something is going to go a certain way.  I try and not give things away as I’ve seen the full series.  But I do like to make her pause and question her snap judgments, it’s just fun to watch her experience the topic.  For those who haven’t seen it… It’s a show that covers the topic of nuclear fallout here in the states.  What would happen in small towns, how we’d survive and/or rebuild.  All that humanity would go through and become afterwards.  It’s an interesting show.  Not quite realistic … but then again, maybe not THAT far off.  She asked me tonight … “Why do people make bombs?  Isn’t there another way?”  I’d paused the show when she first spoke up and all I could do tonight was hug her and tell her “I don’t know”.  I told her that I could see the need for explosives when it comes to moving mountains… carving through rocks and stone.  Actually I know of a few legitimate needs for explosives … but I wasn’t going to lay them all out at that moment.  I stuck with an extra long snuggle and listened to her tell me her opinions on the world and mankind and violence towards others.  It’s an interesting feeling.  listening to my daughter talk, and sound so wise for her years.  She’s 11.  She has strong opinions.  She’s smart and extremely observant.  She makes me so proud, and at the same time, I worry for her.  The world isn’t an easy place.  She’s strong at her core tho, which makes me feel good.  Everyone who meets and interacts with her says how she’s such a good girl.  It’s nice.  🙂  Let’s hope that’s not me jinxing myself when it comes to teenage-hood.

My brother’s graduation came and went and was a lot of fun.  Truly.  It has left me… feeling a myriad of emotions.  I … I had fun with my dad.  I can think of only a handful of those kinds of moments with the man as an adult.  Going to events with family on his side have always been bittersweet in some ways.  I’ve always been the outsider.  The daughter few people knew about.  I wasn’t in his life much.  Heck, didn’t know of the brother and sister till they were 10 years old.  That was 8 years ago.  He’s a cool kid.  Not a kid anymore.  Although I’m not sure even he’d say he’s really a man just yet.  What is that period of time called?  When you’re no longer a boy, but you’re not yet a man?

Dad and I hung out the entire time.  He wants to try.  I don’t know that I’ve decided to fully trust just yet, but I think I’d like to. I had a brief moment when I was sitting on a couch off to the side and was just quietly observing what was going on.  Listening to the various conversations.  Watching Dad play the host.  It’s not natural for him, not quite.  I watched his nerves rise a little, I’d swear his voice even raised just a hair in pitch.  I doubt anyone else noticed any of it, it was just a hint of awkward and endearing.  He introduced everyone and made sure everyone had a beverage, and then noticed me on the couch and came to join me and ask why I was all alone.  I wish I could have shared the observations I had.  How I noticed how his wife needed to just take a moment and take a breath.  She was so proud, and wanted everything to go perfectly – and it was.  She had every reason to just stand back for a moment and take it all in.  Everyone adores her.  I can totally see why.  She’s a short, petite, slim little thing that radiates smiles and happiness and can cook up a storm.  She’s the cool mom – and yet I’ve heard her nag like the best of them when it came to turning off a phone and getting to a paper or studying for a test.  She would have been cool to have grown up knowing.  She and I have a different relationship – it’s more like friends or an older sister.  We giggle over similar things or she’ll wink at me knowing I caught on to something no one else had yet.  I absolutely, genuinely adore her.

My grandfather was there.  I haven’t talked to him in 5 years and it’s probably been closer to 6-7 since I’ve seen the man.  The last time we talked, it was on the phone.  The last thing he said to me was to F*** Off. I’d invited him to dinner out at his favorite restaurant, my treat.  I was going to go work at Microsoft and I wanted to take him with us to celebrate. You see, he’d thought I’d lied about something to my family.  I hadn’t lied, I had told my dad I was going in for a procedure.  I went in for the procedure, had it done.  Was told the results.  I told Dad.  I hadn’t told my mom yet.  I was holding off till I had more information  My mom ran into my grandpa and he asked her about it, she knew nothing about it and denied me having it.  Grandpa then thought I was a liar.  Sigh.  Easy thing to clear up… but he wouldn’t give me the chance.  hence it has been as long as it has.  He didn’t recognize me.  Said I couldn’t possibly be Jennifer – she’s Fat.  Gotta give the old guy credit for his absolute blunt honesty.  LOL.  He was eyeing and chatting up all the hot chicks he could find at the graduation ceremony.  Oh to be that old. But at the end of the night, I heard him brag to someone that I was his granddaughter and I was successful.  Funny – the younger me would have soared high on that praise.  The older me sees it for what it is… shallow, hollow and harmless – he doesn’t know me anymore than I know him.  I’ll just smile and nod, help him cross the parking lot and just laugh.  I did a lot of laughing that day actually.  Some genuine and some because it was all I could do.

I’m writing in my book again.  I’d put it away.  Since I started this blog actually.  I couldn’t end it.  I couldn’t see an ending.  It frustrated me to the point where I put it away.  I should state, it’s no where NEAR being ready for the ending, but it dawned on me that all that I had written was slanted the wrong way.  That I think I know how the story should be written … and I’ve gone off kilter just slightly.  But I’m motivated to do it.  To fix it and change it.  To tell my story.  Freedom in telling something that is mine.  Making it no longer just mine.  🙂

I get to go to a concert this week.  I’m so excited.  I haven’t been to a concert in a VERY long time.  And it’s for a band that’s made a huge impact on me in my life.  The Fray.  it’s an outdoor arena where we can have picnic’s and that kind of thing.  Should be lovely – so long as the weather is cooperating.  We’ll see.

 

Well – i’m getting sleepy.  Should get some sleep.  Gotta work tomorrow.

Goodnight Neverland!

XXO