My sister says this to people. A lot. And sometimes I agree with her, and other times, not so much. You see, if I had “stayed in my lane” my entire life, then I wouldn’t be where I am. In fact, I’d wager, had she said that to me long ago – I’d have found a way to kindly tell her to go fuck herself because you can’t stay in one lane when you own the pool. 😀 But I digress. I get why she says it – it’s to help someone know when they are slipping from their path – or losing focus. It is a signal, to reel it in and double check yourself. How often do people even DO that anymore? I find that I do it often – and perhaps maybe need to just let it loose a little more. Granted – that does beg the question – what happens if you don’t know what lane you’re even in? Maybe you’re actually swimming diagonally across the pool?! Maybe you don’t believe in lanes! 😀 Hehe.
This week – I really need to stay in my lane when it comes to work focus. I’ve got lots to do, both for my day job and for my comic. I also just generally need to recover from a full weekend of shenanigans. The sister and I went to Portland for a short overnight getaway. The weekend was filled with a mix of things – shopping, self care, good food, strippers!, new friends, old friends… you name it. And while I had fun – a blast actually during most of it – I’m feeling a bit overly crispy around the edges today. Like – stick a fork in me already – i’m done. I may take a bit of a nap later and see if it re-energizes me.
My comic work is coming about slowly and steadily. At least on one of the story lines. My Mom book however I’m still stuck on. I need to just suck it up and start drawing the main character and not stop until i can do her consistently. But the problem is – she is me. And i’m still learning to see myself. It’s hard. My view of myself changes constantly – perhaps that’s why I feel like I own the pool rather than a single lane. I’ve written about this in the past and it still feels true today – we wear a lot of masks in society – and I’m not entirely convinced that all of us have figured out who we are without them.
Well, I better get back to my work morning – but here’s me wishing you a happy week!
It’s dark. I’m at the park. The sun will be popping its head over the hills within the next 30 minutes or so. Puget Sound stretches in front of me. The lights of a boat quietly makes its way along the shore; I think it’s a tug, but it is still too dark to properly see.
A small factory is nearby and I get caught up watching the steam billow from the single chimney I sip from the coffee I brought with me. I have music playing from my phone – a song that I seem to play a lot lately. And I mean… A. LOT.
Scars to your beautiful
She just wants to be beautiful
She goes unnoticed, she knows no limits
She craves attention, she praises an image
She prays to be sculpted by the sculptor
Oh, she don’t see the light that’s shining
Deeper than the eyes can find it
Maybe we have made her blind
So she tries to cover up her pain and cut her woes away
‘Cause cover girls don’t cry after their face is made
But there’s a hope that’s waiting for you in the dark
You should know you’re beautiful just the way you are
And you don’t have to change a thing, the world could change its heart
No scars to your beautiful, we’re stars and we’re beautiful
And you don’t have to change a thing, the world could change its heart
No scars to your beautiful, we’re stars and we’re beautiful
She has dreams to be an envy, so she’s starving
You know, cover girls eat nothing
She says beauty is pain and there’s beauty in everything
What’s a little bit of hunger?
I could go a little while longer, she fades away
She don’t see her perfect, she don’t understand she’s worth it
Or that beauty goes deeper than the surface
So to all the girls that’s hurting
Let me be your mirror, help you see a little bit clearer
The light that shines within
There’s a hope that’s waiting for you in the dark
You should know you’re beautiful just the way you are
And you don’t have to change a thing, the world could change its heart
No scars to your beautiful, we’re stars and we’re beautiful
And you don’t have to change a thing, the world could change its heart
No scars to your beautiful, we’re stars and we’re beautiful
These lyrics, the words bounce around in my head. I suppose they strike a chord.
Beauty.
Beauty is something so fleeting… so changeable, and yet so many of us strive to embody it. But what is it really?
We have this image in our heads and hearts of what the perfect version of ourselves would look like, and yet…
In nature – it is often the unique…
the renegade…
the inner play of co-existing dualities that are some of the most beautiful.
Beauty can be simple and can be complex.
For too many years now, I have looked at myself as not beautiful. I’d turn such critical eye to my perceived faults instead of celebrating that which makes me beautiful and unique.
Enough is enough. Maybe it’s the state that the world is in lately, maybe it’s just a strange burst of frustration mixed with heartbreak and hope … but damn! If I can’t love myself, how can I possibly expect the people in the world around me to spread love? Enough with the hate. Enough with the judgements. Today… I celebrate myself. Today – I will celebrate you, your neighbor, your mother, your friend. For today – and every day to come, I will find a reason to spread a smile, and lift someone else up. The world must change. Let’s put away our walls. Love yourself, and love others.
Thanks for sharing a moment with me. Off to work now! Much Love!
There’s something to be said about commuting in a car, it leaves for plenty of time to think. To decompress and review things in my head. I certainly don’t do it with everything, but I do find that on occasion, something someone will say or do will get stuck in my head. It leads me with a need to churn it over a bit and mull on it. I think it’s because, in the moment, my brain will nod and move along in conversation… but later, it will pop back in my mind and I’ll wonder about that moment – why did I react that way? Do they really feel that way? Is that really what they meant? Perhaps I am simply an over thinker and need to learn to control that side of myself a bit better. Regardless, it is how my brain works.
Friends and people who learn my story often comment to me about how strong I am. And while it’s nice to hear, it is in no way a reflection of how I see myself. I have strength when it comes to my brain. I’m able to figure out a solution, make a sale, or find a way out of a sticky situation on most occasions. BUT… when it comes to matters of the heart, and when it comes to matters of sex…. I am a total pansy. Let me repeat that, because I’ve never admitted that before. I am a pansy. I wasn’t always like this. This.. is new. A new Jen. One who, now that I see her, I’m not too happy with.
Of course, it doesn’t help that the few times I’ve really opened up and trusted in someone, I’ve ended up highly disappointed and heartbroken over it. A part of me wants to remind myself that “Hey! That’s life! You win some, ya lose some.” But, because those times have been a bit few and far between – what I usually end up doing is just raising my walls further. Protect myself from the pain just a little bit more, but of course, the side effect from me doing that is that sometimes, people who’ve been trying to get inside my walls – get hurt. I shut down and close myself off – and it leaves them hurt. Which ultimately – is not something I’d ever want to do to those who are close to me.
I’d like to change my goals for the year.
I want to learn to bring those walls down a bit more. To let someone in. I suppose… this is my very first step. Admitting that I can see it, recognize it and want to change it. I also have to understand that it means letting in some pain. If I bring down my walls, it’s going to hurt. I’m scared to hurt. I’ve felt sadness and hurt and pain for long enough over plenty of things. The idea of facing pain and sadness scares the shit out of me. But – I want people to know me. For people to see me for who I am – and if they don’t like me… it’ll hurt a little. But this is me. Who I am on this blog… is me. And if I ever want to feel like I’m not alone anymore, it means I have to let people in.
I was watching a movie tonight. And a scene inspired my brain to run a million miles a minute. I had to go look up the line from the script so that I could share it with you all.
I tell you, I just….
I just wish I could have a piece of her that I could keep safe, you know?
Just something.
Something more than a bunch of memories.
Memories. It’s interesting to me how broken we get when something that we thought was our entire world… gets reduced to memories. A lost love, a death, or even a rejection of some sort… when we feel that something has been stolen from us, even when that something was only a dream… it evokes a strange pain. A loss that we have to grieve and accept in order to move forward. And then things change and shift and all that is left are the memories of it. It’s almost like we have to grieve the dream of what was.
Almost makes one reconsider what the worth of a memory REALLY is?
If memories are all we have to take with us, if they are all we get to cling to on those lonely nights when it’s just us alone with our thoughts… then why do we put so little value on them? Why do we get so caught up in all the strange bullshit that we do, when we should really be trying to savor every single delicious moment that we have – because in the end, it will only be a memory.
This evening I was reminded… oddly by a movie that I haven’t seen in a long time… that sometimes, you just have to let life flow. There are things that happen that are out of your control- and that if I just hold on to the memories from my past, and relax and keep creating new memories… that somehow, it’ll all work out in the end.
Goodnight Neverland. Much love to you this evening.
I have what feels like a million thoughts flying through my head at the same time, so please forgive me if this post is a little scattered. I’ll do my best to control myself, but the way I write is to literally let words fall out of my head. I can type easily 150 words per minute, more when I’m angry or particularly passionate, so it’s easier to keep up with the thoughts that fly through.
I’ve been given a strange gift. I’m choosing to look at it this way, at least for now. 🙂
About two weeks before xmas, I invited my children’s nanny to rent the spare room from my basement. She was in an odd situation and the room was just empty and sitting there, so I offered it to her and her daughter. It’s been fun to have a two year old in the house again, although holy cow did I forget how much child-proofing a place needs!! We’ve loved having her here, although of course, moving someone into your home takes a bit of adjustment. There are certainly things that I’m sure we drive each other nuts on, and that’s to be expected. Thankfully, things seem to be fairly smooth.
She’s an interesting girl. Very different from myself, but not in a bad way or anything. I’ve enjoyed getting to know her and her daughter more. And being that we’re both single mom’s, we do share some things in common. One of those, being an interest in men. The topic comes up often. Her approach is VERY different from my own. Again – not bad… not wrong… just different. It reminds me of how I acted in relationships when I was younger, before my own life experiences led me to become a different person with a completely different approach to people. And here’s where we get to the gift…
I’m getting to witness (from an outside perspective) – ME… when I was younger. The mistakes I would make, the insecurities I felt, the highs and lows of over-dramatic relationships. HOLY CRAP! Looking back now… hoo boy! I’m suddenly very thankful that people mellow a bit with age. At least I have. I may have struggling levels of confidence in my physical appearance, but my confidence in who I am at my core is stronger than it’s ever been.
This girl has commented a few times that she’s looking at me as a mentor. She thinks I’m strong and never get discouraged. I laughed when she said that. I get discouraged. Hell – when I’m really let down, I’ll even hide under the covers and have a good cry when I need to. But I don’t quit. Not if something is really worth it. But to me – what other choice do you have?
So this past week, she started seeing someone new. I won’t go into too much details, but let’s just say that there’s been some drama – and what surprises me, is that instead of having that drama be a red or yellow flag to caution her to move forward… she’s fangirling like a clingy, love-obsessed, crazy-ass, future-tripping girl. It’s been quite shocking to see someone who is my age go through this. Eye-opening really. And I can’t quite pin-point if I’m happy to have my eyes opened or not. At one point, in my life, I acted like that. And now, even just thinking of acting like that would be … embarrassing. I mean, I get it… new love is exciting! It’s the clingy and the crazy that I don’t agree with, and future tripping, I try to avoid, as it usually leads to disappointment.
On the bright side, I can clearly see how far I’ve come. I can also clearly see something I don’t and wouldn’t want. I have this desire to build something healthy with someone. Something real and long-lasting. I know that the person for me is out there, and I oddly have this strange comfort in knowing that eventually – we’ll find each other. I will just keep moving along!
On a completely unrelated topic… my side business … hoo boy! Things are moving along so quickly – it’s almost hard to keep up. The retail space that was supposed to be a test store for only 2 weeks is still going – they asked us to just keep it up permanently. We’ve got an offer to join amazon and sell there; and I’ve got an opportunity to take on a booth at an event that’s coming up. Technically there are a few coming up – but I’m considering signing on for February 9th – see if I can’t get any valentine’s sales. The trouble is… I can’t seem to keep the stock on-hand. I know – it’s a good problem to have, but at the same time, it’s frustrating. I don’t want to take too much on at once and then fail. I wanted to build this business slowly, to ensure that it would do well, but it’s taken on a mind of it’s own in some cases and is just plowing ahead! 🙂 I have a feeling I’ll have to hire at some point in the coming year. Oy! 🙂
Hope you’re doing well!! Much love to all of you in Neverland.
