Tag: family

Standing on the edge of a cliff – it begins!

Jen1 Comment

Well – this week has been a crazy but worthy adventure – and I had to come here and fill you all in. I’m selling my house and buying/building a farm.

The remodel finished this week and we can finally put it on the market. It should sell pretty fast – just about everything in it is completely new. With the proceeds, I will be starting my next journey into building a hobby farm and plant nursery. I’ve put an offer on 20 acres of land and we’re now in that negotiation stage – but I’m feeling very confident that we’ll come to a mutual agreement.

Maybe soon, I will be the owner of 20 acres of land in Washington state. 20 ACRES! And a few trees. And a cabin. And a barn. There’s a well, a septic, some solar and even internet. And an old riding lawn mower and 20+ chickens!!

Gonna be a chicken momma!

I’ve spent a lot of time preparing myself for this next adventure – studying permaculture and sustainable, responsible farming techniques, learning about water filtration, studying techniques of the amish and understanding how to work the land efficiently and leveraging what you have to work smarter. I dream of what my gardens will look like. I’d like a small orchard. My son wants a duck. Side note: Did you know that ducks are cuddly?! I now agree with my son and want a snuggly duck too – if that’s possible. I hope to build a geodesic dome on the land – the kits aren’t terribly expensive. And I can already picture what the views will be like from inside.

All that said – my next adventure is going to be a big one. I’ll continue this blog here, but i’ve upgraded this space to a better domain – this baby is growing up too!! – but the new farm will have a website of it’s own. I’ve registered BougieFarmers (dot com). hehe. I can’t wait to watch it change and grow – and I just know we’re in for a serious learning curve as we figure it all out. I’ll let you all know one I’ve set something up over at that domain too.

One of the views on the property

It’s been challenging to navigate all the emotions and feelings as we’ve done this. Packing up my studio was emotional, packing up the house has just been annoying – as you never realize how much stuff you’ve collected until suddenly you’re trying to pack it all up to take it to storage. It feels as if it’s never done. We officially list on Thursday and I think I expected the house to look different by now – we’ve done SO MUCH – and yet – the living room still looks like a bomb went off and I need to clean the kitchen counters – AGAIN! Oh well- I’m trying to just savor each moment as it comes. This is the beginning. There will be tears, there will be stress, there will be moments of joy and moments of downright frustration – but in the end, this land will be my forever home, and I certainly have the time to get it set up the way I want it.

Oh – and to any of you readers who are homesteaders…. or living off-grid, please – share with me your best piece of advice you’d give as I start my journey! Anything you’d have done differently if you were starting now vs how you started?

To the rest of my readers – thank you for always being here with me. And I hope you’ll enjoy hearing all the updates as I move this dream along. You’re appreciated more than you could possibly know.

Goodnight neverland!

That moment when you feel SEEN

Jen3 Comments

Today’s post will be a bit short – but there’s something I’ve been mulling on for a couple of days and I thought I’d share it with y’all. There is something so intoxicating about feeling seen and heard. When someone you’re trying to connect with not only connects with you -but truly sees you – for all your messy glory. Isn’t that exactly what we all strive for? Whether it’s in dating, with friends, with family – even with coworkers. Connecting with others doesn’t matter if they don’t see you for who you are.

This happened to me recently and it put me in a spin – the good kind. 🙂 Granted, this person also called me out in some of my truths. And that’s not always super comfortable. They called me out for being a lonely person. And at first – my reaction was horror. You SAW that?! I don’t want anyone to see or recognize that. That’s supposed to be a secret!! But then I had to think about it some more… why is my reaction to a statement of truth embarrassment or shame?

I supposed we’ve all been there tho. You know that moment I’m talking about. When you realize that perhaps you’ve been misunderstood. When perhaps the people you needed to really KNOW you – show that maybe they don’t fully understand you… And your heart squeezes in longing. A longing to connect at a different depth. To be understood. To be seen and welcomed and accepted and dare I say, even loved.

It’s not shameful to have only a select few people who know and see me for who I really am. Besides- who said we were going for quantity here? It’s all about the quality baby!! 🙂 I keep telling myself that I AM accepted. I AM welcomed and loved by many – but I also recognize that so very few actually know me at any real depth. The very few people who know me at my core and love me for who I am are wonderful amazing people who I am grateful that I have. That said – I think the shock was in realizing that someone else could pick up on the fact that I’ve been wishing to add a few more to what I lovingly refer to as “My tribe”.

Feeling seen… and validated … does something else too. It empowers a person to feel more confident in continuing to be who they are. Maybe this is what the world lacks these days – people are so busy either trying to show the world who they are that they don’t take a moment to see the person standing in front of them. Or worse – people only see a piece and assume it paints the whole picture.

I think that’s all I’ve wanted, for most of my life, in fact. For someone to see me – at my core -and still care about me and love me enough to want to stick. The only one who’s done that up to this point – is me. And that’s ok too. 🙂

So to you – my readers – I ask – who have you spent time to SEE today? Who do you feel seen by?

Talk soon neverland.

Coming round to a decision…

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I’ve come to a decision about my future. It’s taken me some time. I’ve let things marinate and I’ve given ample opportunity to see change. I’ve worked with my counselor just about every week to better understand my reactions and where I could have done things differently. And after all of it – I’m about ready to file for divorce. I’ve given myself a deadline. I have to have surgery in a few weeks, so I’m giving myself some room there too – to rest, recover and heal. But I’m feeling pretty positive about my decision. I can honestly say I’ve done all I could to make things work from my end. I’ve listened more than I’ve ever listened in my life. And ultimately – I think this may be the reason I’m going through this. The universe has thrown lessons and tests at me throughout my life – and I don’t always understand them in the moment – darn that hindsight being 20/20 … but I think I understand this one.

I needed to learn that you can lead that damn horse to water – but only the horse can make himself drink. I needed to learn to be able to communicate in a better, more productive way. In previous relationships I learned how to have a voice – but often it would come out raging or so filled with emotions that my voice wasn’t clear or crisp. The past year has taught me how to use my voice in a calm, collected, crystal clear fashion. I learned how to set boundaries, how to find an awareness of my own needs and be able to voice them. And – in the end – I learned how to choose myself, my health, my emotional well being, and ultimately, my future happiness- over what would have amounted to death by a thousand paper cuts.

It’s odd – in my work life – things could not be better. I won a manager award on Wednesday. Recognized for being a top leader, transforming a team, and inspiring others to become better leaders. It felt good… but bittersweet in some ways. How can I be getting it so right at work – but so wrong at home?

The kids are happy and healthy… Well-loved and thriving. My puppies are also doing damn well- although my youngest pup still has the energy of a tornado. hehe. That’s what 12 week old puppies do tho, so it’s to be expected! So maybe I’m not getting it wrong at “home” – but I sure do question my ability to get it right when it comes to matters of the heart.

I’m hopeful for 2020. I’m going to continue to focus on embracing my own well being. I’m going to keep the trend of being authentically me. But I am also going to work on re-establishing my tribe. Somehow, in the past year, I’ve let a lot of my friendships falter. Not by doing something bad – just from general neglect and lack of attention. My focus was elsewhere, and I’m feeling the loss. I miss the “family” that I built around me. Not all are blood – in fact, very little are truly family members. My tribe was a group of people who became as close as family to me – and in all truth – I miss them. There are only a very small circle of people I talk to these days – and even out of that circle, only 2 who know what’s really going on with me. It’s kind of a lonely existence when you’re in limbo. And I’ve never been a very patient woman when it comes to my own path. I get frustrated when my dreams aren’t moving along at the pace I think they should. I know – it’s silly.

Well – I should get my butt moving. Time to dive into another day at work. The day beckons… but please know, to all you who read this silly little blog – I appreciate you. I’m thankful that you’re there – reading the things I toss into the void. Have a great day!

When dealing with others who are toxic

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Do not expect to receive something from someone who doesn’t have what you want.

This quote has been running through my mind all day today. The things you have to tell yourself after dealing with a particularly toxic member of my family. I’m hoping that by writing about this, I can get to feeling better about things. But even I recognize that journaling can only do so much.

I’m faced with kicking my baby brother out of my house. I’m not looking forward to it, and honestly – it makes me feel like one big giant asshole. But I cannot do it anymore. At first, I thought that maybe staying here would be good for him, but the longer this goes on, the less respect I have for him. It’s time for him to go. He’s barely contributed towards anything, and comes home drunk or highly drugged at all hours of the night, often waking the household. He leaves food out, and has set off fire alarms, and last night – well – this morning actually… he came home with a completely totalled car. He’s already had a DUI and I’ve witnessed him coming home from driving completely plastered now a couple of times. What kind of example are my children getting from all of this? I told him he couldn’t stay. That I’ve had enough and that I was calling Dad. Dad needed to know that his youngest son was doing this, that the car he was still paying for was totalled. Yea – i know – I totally ratted out of my brother which in most cases, would not be cool. This feels a bit more life and death tho.

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I was scared to call my Dad. I knew the messenger would be shot at. I didn’t expect it to go the way it did. I didn’t expect to feel whooshed back to the days when I faced that same kind of verbal treatment daily. I didn’t expect to feel a moment of fight or flight… on the PHONE. I hung up. I walked for a few minutes. And then suddenly I had things I wanted to SAY! That’s not like me. My flight instinct is strong with my family – I clam up, go quiet and get the heck out of there. Today – I stood up for myself. Don’t talk to me like that. Don’t treat me like this. I have done nothing to earn this behavior being slung at me in it’s vileness. It felt good. It also backfired on me. Managed to get me in bigger trouble – but whatever. I don’t really care. You want to tell me now that i’m not your daughter? Cuz you’ve said it to me plenty of times in the past. I don’t care.

This is when the quote runs through my head the most. My father is simply not capable of giving me the kind of father/daughter relationship that I need.. why? Because he does not possess the skills to do so. Never has. Most likely – never will. So why do I continue to hope beyond hope that someday something will blossom and we’ll have a closer bond or kin-ship? That’s insanity on my part!

Dad asked me to take in my baby brother, and I did. And I can honestly say, I’ve given him just over a month here, I’ve really TRIED. But I can’t work with someone who doesn’t see that what they’re doing is self-destructive. I can’t help someone who has no desire to help themselves. And now – all it’s doing is dragging down my family’s ability to live successfully.

I’ve always done the right thing. I’ve always been the good daughter. I’ve always strived to do what was asked of me, what was expected of me. But now – I want to show my children that they don’t have to have toxic people in their lives. I want the people I surround myself with to be people who actually care about me. People who will put their all into building something healthy and amazing with me – because I’ll happily put in the effort to do the same with them.

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After all the drama – I took a moment to plant some flowers outside. It made me feel instantly better. I then spent the day with my kids. We played some Wii sports, and walked to the park. Enjoyed each other and did what we could to make each other laugh. I’m grateful for them. My children. I’m so lucky to have them in my life. I swear on the very last breath I take – that I will NEVER give to them, the kind of heartache and pain that my father has given me. I refuse. They deserve so much better than that.

Well, I better get some sleep. Goodnight Neverland. Happy Sunday to you!

lipstick kiss

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

JenLeave a comment

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My brother is staying with me for a month.  It’s fun to see him every day.  We didn’t grow up together, and only met when he was 10.  So we’re still getting to know one another.  He’s a punk, but I love him.  My kid brother.  But one of the challenging things I’m learning about having him here, is that it exposes me to some of my family that I’d rather not be exposed to.  Thru him, I get to see and experience what he goes through with my father.  Usually – it doesn’t get to me, but last night, he shared an experience he had this weekend and I just about lost my shit.  I’m still upset.  But I think what upsets me the most, is that, at least for the next month, it will be a “norm” in the house.  It bothers me.

My father is … well… abusive.  Physically sometimes, emotionally others.  And not all the time…. but still.  A spade is a spade.  It takes a lot to write that.  It took me a while to get my brother to even admit it out loud.  Now look – there’s something to be said for getting physical – sometimes a well timed shove can wake someone up – That is not the type of physical altercation that I am talking about here.  There is no excuse that I can logically come up with to make it ok.  I know that man loves his kids… in his own truly messed up way, but he is toxic.  It’s why I’ve put up walls and boundaries – to keep me and the kids safe and worry-free.

So here I sit.  Knowing that over the next month or so, I’ll likely be (at the very least) hearing more stories, learning more things, and overall, likely cementing why I made the choices I’ve made to step away from toxic people in my life.  I try and remember that there are two sides to every story… and somewhere in between lies the truth.  But so far, the stories I hear align with everything I know from my past… and I’m not convinced that leopards change their spots.  When someone shows you who you are, believe them.

It’s sadly, nice to know that I’m not the only one of us kids who struggled with Dad.  But at the same time, I wish with all my heart that I could take that away from him – let him be spared.  I’m protective.  I don’t want to see my family hurt.  I’d do just about anything to keep them all safe and loved.  Ugh.  It’s rough being a sister sometimes.  But I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

Much love neverland.  Happy Valentine’s Day!

lipstick kiss