I missed a counseling appointment today.  I haven’t given it much thought.  I think it’s a sign that perhaps I need to keep looking for a different counselor.  This last guy was ok, just extremely young.  He admitted to his inexperience with a lot of what I was bringing to him.  Didn’t give me the greatest desire to return. But I need to find someone to talk to.  I’m not using my blog much these days.  It’s not because I don’t love it…. I do.  It’s simply because lately, it doesn’t seem like a safe place to come and rant to.  It’s an odd feeling.

Something kind of interesting dawned on me tonight as I was playing cards with T and R.  I’m missing something in my life, and I couldn’t put my finger on it.  Until tonight.  Music.  I’ve always been the one who had music playing in my house; mostly in my kitchen.  I’ve always been the one who’ll bust a move with the kids and dance and sing my heart out.

I’ll admit something here.  When I would be home alone, I used to love belting out Italian and French arias in different rooms of the house.  It was always kind of fun to find spots in the house where the acoustics change in different ways.  I haven’t done that in this house.  I’ve thought about it; even contemplated it in the shower and yet I can’t seem to get comfortable enough to do it.  It’s strange.  The moment I start to sing here, I feel self-conscious.  I don’t like that feeling, but at the same time… I miss it.  I miss the effect that music has on me.  It makes me feel understood, it makes me feel calm, reflective, and empowered.

Tomorrow, I think I might just set up some speakers and see what can be done to rectify this situation.  It won’t help with me not feeling comfortable enough to really sing my heart out here, but it might at least make me feel good enough to dance around and bring that music back to my kids.  They haven’t said anything, but I bet that if I am missing it, they are too.

Much love Neverland.  I hope you are all well.  Goodnight.