I’m losing my voice

It has me feeling a bit upset to be honest. I’m hoping it is temporary. My surgery on the 5th should help a bit, but it still has me nervous. Being able to sing has always been my thing! My grandparents called me Jenny Wren – because I was their song bird. Either I was playing an instrument, singing a song or dancing to something for a HUGE chunk of every single day that I was growing up. And I love that.

The past year or so, I’ve gone kind of quiet. The only place I really jam out anymore is in the car – and sometimes in the shower. This past month or so, I’ve been turning on the tunes more often when I’m home. It’s felt good to let the music flow through me again. I didn’t realize how much of a mood lift it can really be. Makes me want to plan a night with some good wine, some good music, soft candlelight, maybe a fire in the fireplace. So soothing to my soul.

Now if only I can get this silly throat thing fixed and healed up so I can sing again.

Good morning Neverland! ūüôā I hope you enjoy your day.

Frustration, moods, effort, relationships and birthdays

4c0b9c68a8228eabfd625b140ab3c145

I’m in a mood today. ¬†And I can’t quite even put my finger on what that mood actually is. I’m frustrated, and antsy, I’m contemplative… really – what it comes down to – I’m craving attention. ¬†A sincere, adult, no ulterior motives, genuine connection with someone. I don’t know… Ever since I decided to take a long ass break away from the dating scene – I’ve discovered that I go through phases. ¬†Sometimes, I’m perfectly content with my social life. ¬†I have a lot of amazing friendships that I cherish and adore. ¬†I get out, I’m also quite busy as a mom and an employee and business owner. ¬†But sometimes… I crave something different. ¬†A real connection with someone, at more than just a surface-deep level. Sometimes I’ll meet someone and think – ooh! There’s something here! ¬†And the moment I give into it, is often the moment they decide they have far more important things to be spending their time on. ¬†Or… they’ll tell me that they are interested in pursuing something with me, but then the communication will lag in such a way that I have no choice but to believe otherwise. ¬†It always seems to be hot or cold for me. ¬†When I DO find someone who’s wanting to put in the effort.. there always seems to be a catch or some very serious red flags. ¬†Perhaps they are an alcoholic, or just got out of a relationship a few months back, or are deep in the throes of working through something serious, like depression or PTSD from American politics and can’t seem to figure out how to move forward from it. ¬† It’s enough to make a woman think she should just stick to being alone. ¬†Maybe the dating world has changed in a way I didn’t expect. ¬†Perhaps the concept of putting in a consistent effort on someone is outdated.

bexx7

Effort. ¬†Have we all just become lazy? ¬†Do people not feel like they need to put effort into building and maintaining their relationships anymore? ¬†And I’m not talking about just love relationships here, friendships too. ¬†It was my mentor, who maybe 4 years ago, told me that in order to really network from a business/career standpoint, that any relationships you make, have to be maintained. ¬†Like my garden. ¬†If I neglect those relationships, they’ll go stale. ¬†When a relationship goes stale, it takes even MORE effort to attempt to jump start them. ¬†Her standpoint was that it took less effort to maintain than it did to try and go back and repair them. ¬†I think I took this viewpoint to heart… with all of my relationships. ¬†I’m not saying I’m perfect here… as life happens and sometimes you just have to ride the wave that you’re on and let cards fall where they may. ¬†But it was this advice that led me to really look at the relationships in my life. ¬†Which ones were toxic, or one-sided? ¬†Which ones were weeds that were choking out the rest of my gorgeous garden and what could I do about it?

The ex, his fiance and I have managed to come to a new place in our relationships with each other. ¬†Co-parenting is some seriously tough stuff – and I’m learning more than ever, that just because he is my ex – doesn’t mean he’s not going to continue to be an active participant in my life. ¬†So I’ve really focused on trying to connect with his fiance. ¬†She’s a lovely woman – truly, someone I could be friends with if things weren’t what they are. ¬†For the longest time, she’s been leery of me. ¬†I think she worried that I still wanted to be with the ex. ¬†HA! No thanks!! It’s only in the last month or so, that she’s started to thaw towards me. ¬†I won’t lie, I’ve laid on the charm in order to disarm her a little more and it’s working. ¬†When they drop off my son now, they hang out for a little while and chit chat about the week ahead, and various things going on in their world. ¬†It’s a relief. My ex husband and I will NEVER get back together … this I am absolutely, 100 percent positive on. ¬†BUT… He’s been one of my very best friends for almost half my life. ¬†It’s bothered me a lot in the last 4 years, that that seemed lost. ¬†But lately – I’m seeing it come back – in a new form. ¬†And it’s nice. ¬†I missed him in that way. ¬†And I like her for him. ¬†They seem to be good together. ¬†Is it weird that I can say that?

Overall, it was a good weekend. ¬†This coming weekend is my show at Pottery Barn for my side business. ¬†Then the weekend after that, I’ll be celebrating my birthday with friends. Holy cow I’m officially turning 35 this year!! ¬† My friend J is hosting a party at my house. ¬†She’s invited 100 people! ¬†I know not all will show (THANK GOD!) but it should be really interesting and exciting to see how it all goes! ¬†Then after the party, a smaller group of us are going to go out and sing Karaoke. ¬†Hehe… my friends are such good sports. ¬†I know most of them hate karaoke, but they encourage me to get out and sing. ¬†They know it was once a HUGE part of my life, and I’m grateful that they continue to push and encourage me to not give it up. ¬†My daughter joined choir this year. ¬†She seems to be enjoying it, although she made a comment on Friday that I had to sit and talk to her about. ¬†I guess she’s been nervous to sing around me. ¬†She says I’m intimidating to someone who struggles with pitch, and feels that she’s never going to learn to project her voice. ¬†I offered to help her in any way that I can. ¬†I’d be happy to work through some scales and help her learn to control her diaphragm a bit more. ¬†Lord knows, when I need to be, I can be LOUD. ¬†ūüėÄ ¬†She seemed to perk up at that one. ¬†She wants to be able to earn a slot for a solo. ¬†It’s funny how it brings me back. As a teenager, I was in every choir, I took professional lessons 3 days a week, I was in as many musicals and music productions I could get my hands on. ¬†I think she’ll find her own on this one. ¬†But I love that my child has yet another common interest as me. ¬†ūüôā

Well РI better get to working.  Hope you all have a lovely day!  Much love to all of you in Neverland.  Talk soon!

lipstick kiss

Some late night rambles…

throwaway2 I missed a counseling appointment today.¬† I haven’t given it much thought.¬† I think it’s a sign that perhaps I need to keep looking for a different counselor.¬† This last guy was ok, just extremely young.¬† He admitted to his inexperience with a lot of what I was bringing to him.¬† Didn’t give me the greatest desire to return. But I need to find someone to talk to.¬† I’m not using my blog much these days.¬† It’s not because I don’t love it…. I do.¬† It’s simply because lately, it doesn’t seem like a safe place to come and rant to.¬† It’s an odd feeling.

Something kind of interesting dawned on me tonight as I was playing cards with T and R.¬† I’m missing something in my life, and I couldn’t put my finger on it.¬† Until tonight.¬† Music.¬† I’ve always been the one who had music playing in my house; mostly in my kitchen.¬† I’ve always been the one who’ll bust a move with the kids and dance and sing my heart out.

throwaway

I’ll admit something here.¬† When I would be home alone, I used to love belting out Italian and French arias in different rooms of the house.¬† It was always kind of fun to find spots in the house where the acoustics change in different ways.¬† I haven’t done that in this house.¬† I’ve thought about it; even contemplated it in the shower and yet I can’t seem to get comfortable enough to do it.¬† It’s strange.¬† The moment I start to sing here, I feel self-conscious.¬† I don’t like that feeling, but at the same time… I miss it.¬† I miss the effect that music has on me.¬† It makes me feel understood, it makes me feel calm, reflective, and empowered.

Screen Shot 2015-09-11 at 10.29.32 PM

Tomorrow, I think I might just set up some speakers and see what can be done to rectify this situation.¬† It won’t help with me not feeling comfortable enough to really sing my heart out here, but it might at least make me feel good enough to dance around and bring that music back to my kids.¬† They haven’t said anything, but I bet that if I am missing it, they are too.

Much love Neverland.  I hope you are all well.  Goodnight.

lipstick kiss

The making of a home…and memories

ImagePacking and moving.¬† I’ve spent the last week slowly making my way through 10 years worth of memories and stuff.¬† It’s been a great week.¬† The amount of stuff being donated or tossed is crazy, but in a good way.¬† It feels good to lighten the load and downsize.¬† I’m only bringing things into the new house that I actually use and want.¬† And today, my parents came and saw the new place.¬† I haven’t felt so nervous about a home in a while.¬† Would they like it?¬† Would they approve?¬† Or would this be a reason to question all that I’ve been doing with my life over the last year and a half?¬† They loved it.¬† They hung out for a while.¬† My mom ran around with my son, taking pictures so she could share with the grandparents.¬† My step dad made a joke about the front door that will now become a prank to be sure.¬† We talked about all my stuff.¬† You see, in my current house, I have 2 dining rooms.¬† I have 2 living rooms… a large kitchen… a library, a guest room and 2 kids bedrooms… plus mine and the bros rooms.¬† PLUS the garage.¬† It’s a LOT.¬† The ex took a lot when he moved, still has a lot here tho.¬† I’ve given away a ton.¬† I’m excited for the new place.¬† It’s a fresh start for me.¬† The house is .. well.. perfect for me.¬† It’s not too big.¬† It’s quiet and peaceful..the bro has his own space..away from everyone else’s while he figures out getting on his feet again.¬† I can even picture what I’d do with that space when he does move forward again.¬†

I had a moment yesterday.¬† I had some running around to do prior to going to my best friend’s birthday bash.¬† I decided to take some things to the new house and shower over there.¬† Be the first to shower in the new house…hehe, I know – I’m a dork.¬† I was there by myself, as everyone else was still at the old house packing up a van to bring it over.¬† I had an aria in my head, no clue how it got there, and found myself singing in my bathroom as I unpacked my bag.¬† I noticed the acoustics were WAY better than my old bathroom and it got me curious.¬† Imagine if you will, me, singing at the top of my lungs – which let me tell you – I can seriously belt it – walking through each room of my new house.¬† Embracing happiness, dancing to my own music… trying out different things with different room acoustics and singing like I haven’t in a long while.¬† I was having a BALL.¬† Then it dawned on me that any minute the van would pull up and I decided to cut the solo concert short.¬† ūüėĬ† But all in all, it was good.¬†

ImageYou see, I have 2 ways of singing.¬† The singing I do “for fun” where I sound every day and normal and I’m just messing around…and the singing that comes from some place a little deeper.¬† I trained professionally for about 6 years or so.¬† Performed in a few musicals, many recitals and concerts, did a few football games things like that.¬† That’s when my vibrato comes out… that’s when I journey to some place else.¬† It’s fun.¬† But I’m shy to share it with others.¬† Well – I am and i’m not.¬† I’ll do it in karaoke occasionally.¬† They’re strangers.¬† But letting people I know hear me?¬† Meh… that’s nerve wracking.¬† It means so much to me.¬† I’ve lost so much just in the years I’ve stopped training.¬† My kids have heard it, Kristen has heard it, My bro, my ex’s.¬† My parents and grandparents.¬† Well – some of them, not all.¬† It takes a lot to earn that trust.¬† lol.¬†

Funnily enough, my real father has heard me sing.¬† I invited him once to a recital.¬† A bit more intimate.¬† I painstakingly chose the songs I wanted to sing.¬† My teacher’s had requirements I had to fit within.¬† I was allowed 3 songs.¬† No contemporary music was allowed. This would be the moment…the moment I’d show that man that his daughter was someone to be proud of.¬† I could sing and I wanted to wow the hell out of him.¬† I wanted to choose songs to explain how I felt.¬† As bad as it may seem, I wanted to make him cry.¬† I chose “Cry me a River” (Jazz), Wishing you were somehow here again (Phantom of the Opera), and a french aria that was about a woman who grew up and realized that she was a powerful amazing strong woman – despite her father.¬† hehe.¬†¬† There were about 5-6 of us performing that night.¬† In a cozy little church.¬† In between songs, we’d sit with our families.¬† My dad showed up late and sat a few rows behind my parents and I.¬† I remember my mom passed me a note on one of the pieces of paper from the pews saying to not worry and to just BELT it.¬† she knew that was where my music ability shined the brightest.¬† I think she knew how important this moment was to me.¬† I got up there and sang..and sang..and SANG.¬† Each song was better than the first, because each time I got up there I had more conviction…and less butterflies.¬† My dad was in tears when it was done.¬† I felt like I was flying.¬† ūüôā

Running through my new house singing…made me realize just how much I want to make sure to make it a home.¬† I left thinking of decor ideas and all sorts of things.¬† And tonight, I spent a ton of time researching and getting inspiration on pinterest.¬† And I’ve come to kind of an interesting conclusion.¬† A happy one of course.¬† I went about building my home backwards.¬† And I’m so pleased I did.¬† I focused on me, my kids, my family and friends first.¬† Building those relationships to be strong and true at their core.¬† Spending time with them, quality time, not just superficial garbage.¬† We have tons of photos, paintings, quotes and sayings…things that mean something to us…those are going to go up.¬† This is going to be the coolest place ever – because it’s not the decor, or the material stuff that makes a house a home… it’s the people and the love in it.¬†

Goodnight never-land.  XXO

Image