Some late night rambles…

throwaway2 I missed a counseling appointment today.  I haven’t given it much thought.  I think it’s a sign that perhaps I need to keep looking for a different counselor.  This last guy was ok, just extremely young.  He admitted to his inexperience with a lot of what I was bringing to him.  Didn’t give me the greatest desire to return. But I need to find someone to talk to.  I’m not using my blog much these days.  It’s not because I don’t love it…. I do.  It’s simply because lately, it doesn’t seem like a safe place to come and rant to.  It’s an odd feeling.

Something kind of interesting dawned on me tonight as I was playing cards with T and R.  I’m missing something in my life, and I couldn’t put my finger on it.  Until tonight.  Music.  I’ve always been the one who had music playing in my house; mostly in my kitchen.  I’ve always been the one who’ll bust a move with the kids and dance and sing my heart out.


I’ll admit something here.  When I would be home alone, I used to love belting out Italian and French arias in different rooms of the house.  It was always kind of fun to find spots in the house where the acoustics change in different ways.  I haven’t done that in this house.  I’ve thought about it; even contemplated it in the shower and yet I can’t seem to get comfortable enough to do it.  It’s strange.  The moment I start to sing here, I feel self-conscious.  I don’t like that feeling, but at the same time… I miss it.  I miss the effect that music has on me.  It makes me feel understood, it makes me feel calm, reflective, and empowered.

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Tomorrow, I think I might just set up some speakers and see what can be done to rectify this situation.  It won’t help with me not feeling comfortable enough to really sing my heart out here, but it might at least make me feel good enough to dance around and bring that music back to my kids.  They haven’t said anything, but I bet that if I am missing it, they are too.

Much love Neverland.  I hope you are all well.  Goodnight.

lipstick kiss

Depression and Co-Dependency


Ok.  I will admit it.  Depression has hit me this week.  Fairly hard.  I’m feeling a bit withdrawn and a bit quiet.  I found a new counselor.  My first appointment will happen tomorrow.  I’m looking forward to it, as I have a list of things I want to talk about.

Co-dependency.  I want to talk about that.  I think, looking back at my relationships, both with the ex and with my family – I have a history of being in these types of relationships.  I want to understand how to break the cycle.  First I have to understand it, then once I can identify it and understand it, then I can work to change it; to stop it.

I refuse to sit and do nothing on this.  I refuse to allow the same patterns to re-occur in my life.  History repeats itself – well NOT anymore!  When I look up the “symptoms” of being a codependent person – I fit them to a T.

Low self esteem, people pleasing, Lack of boundaries, Care-taking, dysfunctional communication, Denial, problems with intimacy… yup!  I won’t lie, coming to realize that today was quite a shock.

I cannot fix problems that are not mine to fix.  I cannot change someone.  I can only change myself, and the worry, and head space that I give to trying to fix things really is only making the problem worse.

I’m nervous.  I’m finally getting really honest with myself.  I’ve been happier in the last 2 years than I have been in 12 years…. BUT… That alone cannot be the indicator that I use on whether or not I’m healthy.  I find myself slipping into the care-taking/people pleasing habits a bit more and more lately and it is, quite frankly, a slippery slope.  If I’m not careful, I will only end up in the same perpetual loop I’ve been in for most of my life.  I will not be that person again.  I just can’t.

A few rambles about new jobs, self esteem and sex.


I’ve started my new job.  Today was day three.  So far, I’m pretty excited and happy to be where I am at.  It’s different than I am used to, that’s for sure.  I think I got used to working for the borg.  🙂  This company is a bit smaller, and my position is much higher than where I was.  I have a new big office, a second space that has a couch and some cushy chairs and a bunch of whiteboards, and I have a large design studio space.  It’s been pretty awesome getting acquainted with folks and digging into projects.  It’s helped me see just how much I needed this change.

I haven’t seen my counselor in just over 3 weeks.  At first, there were a couple of days when I would start to panic and want to make an appointment, but over the last few weeks, I’ve learned that maybe it’s ok to feel lost and uncomfortable with myself.  It doesn’t mean I’m unhappy, and it doesn’t mean I’m a failure.  It simply means I’m still a work in progress.  And I think I’m ok with that.


Something interesting has started to really dawn on me lately.  The last time I had a sit down chat with my father, he talked to me about how I have a problem with commitment.  At the time, I was pretty pissed off and couldn’t really register what he was saying.  But with some time to cool off, and distance from the conversation, I’m starting to realize that he’s not wrong.  It’s weird.  I’ve always viewed myself as someone who’s 100 percent loyal to a fault.  Someone who’s 100 percent committed to the people I love and care for.  And I have been.  However… every single relationship I’ve had that has ended, has ended because I walked away.  Which means, Dad isn’t wrong.  From that perspective, my level of commitment towards those relationships wasn’t strong enough to hold me in my place.  His point wasn’t to make me feel bad, it was simply to point out that moving forward, I have to be willing to give all of myself.  To trust fully and completely and to commit 100 percent.

I thought I was doing that.. but even lately, i’ve caught myself struggling with the occasional stream of self doubt that helps me realize just how far I still have to go.

I have what I’d like to consider to be a silly problem.  There’s something I’m wanting, sexually, and I’m too timid to speak up about it.  Not only am I too timid to speak up about it, but I’m also too nervous of getting turned down or said no.  And to be honest, I find it incredibly frustrating.  Not only that, but how do you even go about describing something that you haven’t experienced in order to ask for it?  This is mineI want to feel like I am someone’s.  Completely.  Sometimes, I want to feel possessed or owned.  I want to know that someone revels in every inch of me.  Not in a bad or abusive fashion… but in a I’m going to cherish you in a way that no one ever has.  That they know my body and know what to do to make me melt.  Is that weird?  Maybe it’s the inner submissive in me?  I suppose because in my head… that’s how I feel about the person I’m with.  Their body, is almost an extension of mine.  I better know how to give them chills, how to cause pleasure and ecstasy with a few single strokes or kisses or touches.  In theory, as a significant other, isn’t that my job?  Curious to some of your thoughts…

Goodnight neverland.  Much love from quirky ol’ me.  Hehe.


Just a quick post before bed


It turned out to be a good week at work, and it ended on a high note with a great weekend.  I spent time with the kiddos, got caught up on a few chores, and generally just enjoyed some time at home.

Tomorrow, a new week will start.  I’m excited for it, as I made some interesting progress last week that should carry forward into these next few and the progress has me anticipating what will come around the bend.

I have my counselor appointment tomorrow.  I’m starting to see “progress”.  I put that in quotes because I don’t know that it’s progress as in moving forward just yet.  It’s more of about coming to an understanding of why I am the way I am, how I work, and what the patterns are for my behavior.  Honestly, it’s been kind of fascinating so far.  It’s also been incredibly difficult.  I didn’t expect to have to open up old wounds.  Not sure why I didn’t.  I think I thought – “Hey, I’m in a crisis mode right now, let’s Band-Aid it and move on…”  But no, it doesn’t work like that.

I read through some old journals this past week.  It was incredibly eye opening, and made me feel good about how far I’ve come.  How much I’ve changed and grown.  I’m definitely not that girl anymore, at least not in big ways.  There are still themes that come up tho.  I’m still incredibly hard on myself.  I’m still a total romantic sap who secretly pines for love notes and music and candle light. I’m still a dreamer and a lover. I crave blanket fort filled rainy days and random dances in the middle of the street.  And I need reassurance and praise when I do well or make someone happy.  In my past, I was never good at communicating those needs.  I’m not even sure I knew they were “needs”.  But I’ve worked hard on making sure I communicate better.  It’s a learning process. 🙂

I don’t fight anymore – A. Because I don’t have anyone that I need to fight with and B. What purpose does fighting serve?  Yelling … I’m sorry but I’ve certainly had my fill of it in the last 12 years.  I don’t need any more of it.  I’d rather talk it out, calmly find a solution and move on…compromising when needed.  It all balances out in the end anyway.

Here’s to a new week… to a stronger, wiser me… to sweet dreams and even brighter futures.  Goodnight neverland.

lipstick kiss

A bane to humanity

Have you ever seen a potential red flag in a relationship with someone and just felt an overwhelming sense of annoyance and frustration at having seen it?  That was me tonight.  I’m not frustrated with the person, but I’m frustrated at the sight of a potential problem in the future.  Although – the concept of “red flags” in people doesn’t work well when you actively try not to future trip.

Today I had a session with my counselor.  We’re dropping down to once a week and that makes me feel immensely better.  🙂  Today’s topics included my mother, we touched a little on nana, and we talked about gifts and generosity and money.  I’m glad I get to type instead of talk because I think if I had to speak those words, they’d taste a little bitter on the tongue right now.

Money.  Such a bane to humanity.  I’ve been dirt poor, I’ve been middle of the road, and I’ve been comfortable.  Certainly never been rich, but I feel like I at least have a grasp on understanding the reality of a wide spectrum of financial security (or lack of it) with in social economics.  When you’re poor, you think having money will fix a lot of problems, and when you’re no longer poor, you realize there may be other new problems to face. I remember feeling like people would look down on us if they knew how poor we were.  That somehow, other people would judge because of my finances.  What I didn’t know was that when you’re on the flip side of the coin, there’s still judgment.    Only it’s a new, different kind.  Either people assume that you just buy everything without putting a thought into it, or they think that everything is easy and was handed to you; or they resent that you have it and they don’t.

As a woman, there have been many times, where I’ve been pressured to stay at home, be a mom to my kids and play that role.  Heck, I WAS a stay at home for 6 years.  And then I went back to work and became the bread winner, the guilt in subtle comments I’d get from others was often obnoxious.

I have been the “bread winner” now for 6 years.  I made more than my spouse could so it just made sense.  And men, they have this pressure to provide.  To shoulder the financial stress.  You’d think we could let go of some of the old 50’s ideals – it has been 60+ years. A partnership or team shouldn’t be in competition.  You are a team.  Together as a couple, you should be thinking as one.

Hmm is that old fashioned?

I don’t think so, it just seems like logic to me.  If you’ve pledged to spend your life as a team with someone, then it seems as if showing your appreciation for your mate is that much more important…not just your appreciation for the team you’ve created and what you are working towards, but for them, personally.

But how do you do that without the other person feeling off about it.  What is considered small and thoughtful, vs extravagant and on who’s budget? When I was dating, the fact that I made what I do was often seen as  threat.  It intimidated a lot of men.  I’ve read that a woman making more than a man emasculates them.

What I wish I could help men realize is that if it doesn’t bother us, it shouldn’t bother you.  It means we are big girls who can take care of ourselves and if we chose you – then you can feel safe and comforted knowing we chose you for you – not for what you have or what you could provide.  But for YOU.  That silly dude that we chose who’s grumbly in the morning, who makes faces and silly dances and puddle jumps in the rain with us.  Our best friend.

Goodnight Neverland. Sleep well.