It starts…

I think I know why my depression had me down last week.  It’s that time of year when the kids go back to school, fall starts to settle in and I can’t help but to think of Ben. He’s been on my mind a LOT.  Every day this week.

So in the spirit of my thoughts around Ben, and seeing as the ex had recenly mentioned him, I went out on a limb and asked if he, his significant other and his son (my step son who calls me mom) would like to join in on the Ben honoring festivities this year.  It would be a first for me.  I have never allowed the ex to join in.  My daughter has asked to be included this year, and I figured, ok…. its’ time.

Now I’m sitting here in tears.  I guess I shouldn’t have asked.  My tears aren’t really “sadness”.  More like anger.  Apparently his significant other wouldn’t approve and he doesn’t plan things out that far in advance.  Um it’s a month away and WTF?!  Why the hell would she not approve of you honoring your SON?!  Not to mention – doing something kind for others on that day?  We all get along well enough, I’ve had quite a few lovely chats with her in fact.  She’s a nice girl and I’m truly happy to see them happy together.  So what the heck?!  I mean – fine,  don’t join in, but to not allow our son to join in … because SHE is uncomfortable?  Sigh.

I’m insulted.  I’m hurt.  That once again, my little baby boy gets the short end of the stick – even when he’s no longer even here.  UGH.  Perhaps that makes it even worse.  Sometimes, I just don’t understand how I’ve managed to deal with the ex and his ways.  He drives me absolutely batty – and for the most part – i manage to not give him much in the way of headspace.  Guess I’ll need to put a little extra effort in that department today as right now, I’d much rather spew some not-nice words at him.

Ugh – is the day over yet?!

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