It’s been a while. I get itchy when I don’t write. It all builds in my head, everything I want to say, everything I want to just let out; and when I don’t find that release, I get antsy until I find it. My reasons for not writing in the last week are many, so grab a drink, a blankie if you have one handy and curl up while I tell you all about it.
I started my new job on Monday. So far, it’s been fantastic. And mind numbing – but in a good way. The work I do is complicated and takes a lot of brain power. The first few weeks on a job or on a project are usually filled with me trying to learn absolutely everything I can about a system or process or product in the shortest time I possibly can manage. It is in these moments that an odd side of me is revealed to those at home. I put everything I have into mastering knowledge for work, so that by the time I get home, my brain is absolute mush. I become the basket case who will walk into a room 3 times because I can’t remember what I went in there for the first time. Or I’ll walk around asking everyone in the house if they’ve seen my glasses – only to discover they are on my face. It’s an interesting contrast to who I am work. Constantly on the ball, constantly the one with the solution, the motivator, the realist. At home – after I’ve spent all my energy at work – not sure I could even tell you my own name. 🙂
I’ve had an interesting few weeks. Both professionally and personally. New years was fun, had a quick trip to Illinois to visit a friend and had a blast. Although let me just say, airplanes and any delays associated with weather absolutely suck beyond all sucking capacities. United – I will NEVER fly with you again. Alaska Airlines has always been my company of choice and now I know why. I had this amazing experience at the airport tho on the way down there. Our flight was delayed 6 hours. There weren’t a lot of seats at the gate in Chicago. I was sitting comfortably when I noticed an older woman who’d been wheeled up in a wheel chair. They dropped her off at the gate and took off with the wheelchair. I offered her my seat and found a place to sit on the floor. She looked so surprised that i’d offered my chair. Her name was Betty. She was 86 years old and had just ended a visit with her daughter to see her grandchildren. I sat and messed with my phone and tablet to kill the time. Helped a couple of people with their phones and ipads – the techie in me is always available to help others apparently. 🙂 After a few hours, the gate changed. It was going to be a hike to get to the new gate. I told Betty that I would help her and grabbed her bags and walked a slow pace with her to the new gate. We found seats and continued to wait. It was getting late, way past the time for a normal dinner. I looked over at Betty and asked her if she would be so kind to accompany me to dinner next to the gate. Again, surprise showed on her face. She leaned in and said “You tell your momma, she raised you right!” And she and I went and found a sandwich shop. I insisted on paying for her sandwich and a cup of tea, and in return she showed me pictures of her grandchildren. A little later, she ended up rescuing me from a sleezy creep at the gate who thought my eyes were on my chest. “This one is FAR too good for the likes of YOU – sir – move along!” Oh the laughter that escaped me as I watched this little frail old woman put a 6’2″ young man in his place. There were lots of interesting people waiting for the plane that night. We all talked and laughed and complained about the lack of communication from the airlines. A very pregnant woman was also at the gate. She had a 2 year old with her and we all helped keep her entertained while we waited at the gate. She ended up sitting next to me on the plane and we talked the whole flight. She shared that her husband lived in Palestine and I asked tons of questions about their culture and why they cover their hair. She was absolutely a joy to sit and talk to. Was due any day. I begged her to keep that little one in her belly until after we landed in our final destination. It would be just my luck to have her go into labor on the plane. 🙂 Thankfully, that didn’t happen. She was exhausted tho, so I played with her daughter until she fell asleep in my lap. Then we landed, I took her bags without even asking and helped her get everything off the plane. When I landed, I walked over to baggage claim and before I could leave .. I heard “Wait Jen!” Turned around and got hugs. Betty and her family hugged me, along with the lovely pregnant woman. We all wished each other a lovely evening and off I went. I did manage to sneak a picture of Betty before I left. .. for the memory books. 🙂
I heard from my friend. Finally. After sending 23 emails and who knows how many texts, with no response. I finally heard back. Apparently it’s all my fault, that we never talk. Funny, there have been a few people in my life (my father being the biggest one) who have done that to me over the course of my life. Communication is always one sided with these people – and any lack of communication on their side is never their responsibility or their fault, somehow, in their twisted minds, it’s mine. Well thankfully, for once in my life, I was feeling strong, and courageous – hell even feisty and I gave him a piece of my mind. What did this person do? He panicked and put his MOTHER on the phone! OH MY GOD! Funny, in October – the thing that woke me up and made me question whether I wanted him in my life was the fact that I saw a huge weakness. He wasn’t a man. He was a little boy. Not only a little boy – but a momma’s boy. And now – 3 months later – it STILL rings true. I must have listened to this woman lecture me for about 40 minutes. I ended the call as best as I could. I was fuming mad. They laid a guilt trip on me for why they’ve been busy. Ok – I get it – you’ve been to hell and back. But I cannot be made to feel guilty that I wasn’t there as support if I didn’t know what was going on! The next morning, I woke up to a novel in my email – not from him, but again, from his MOTHER! DAMN! There is no pain, no hurt – at least on my end. Not any more. I know – without a shadow of a doubt that I don’t want or need another little boy in my life. I want and need a man. Not a needy, clingy, over emotional, kid. And that’s what I saw in him. It’s been a valuable lesson to me. I need to be around people who I can respect. Sure we all have our weak moments. Lord knows I certainly do, and can excuse and look past them. … even love someone more for them… but there’s a line drawn there. I don’t want to be stronger than my man, especially when I look at myself as being weak.
Strength and weakness. My bro said something to me over the holidays that I can’t get out of my head. I don’t think he meant it as an insult, but I’ll admit I took it as one. He said “I used to think you were so strong. You could take on the world, and anything in it. But now that I’ve been living with you this year, I see that you’re not. In fact, you’re weak in some areas.” GEE.. really??? I am human afterall. lol. I am so strong – in so many areas of my life. And I’m damn good at hiding my weaknesses behind walls and masks. Sometimes tho, I get sick of always being strong. I get sick of always helping others. I get sick of always being the responsible one. Sometimes, I want to just run and hide or just be young and stupid. Ok, maybe not stupid, but to feel like it’s ok to DO something stupid once in a while. To be allowed to fuck up. That would certainly be a change.
Well – off to get going on my work for the day – but I wanted to wish you all a happy Friday.