Tag: gifts

A lovely day

Jen2 Comments

Today, I went with my bro to pick out and purchase an engagement ring for the woman he’s been seeing.  It was fun to watch him agonize over the right ring, dreaming about his future with this lovely woman.  He had a set budget, he’d been saving for a while.  She didn’t want anything extravagant, which was lucky, as his budget wouldn’t allow for that.  It was, truly, a very sweet moment in his life.  I felt honored to be apart of it.

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When the saleswoman brought him the total, his face fell.  He was $100 short.  He confessed that even if it had been on the nose, he’d have less than $50 to live on till he got paid.  I applied for a credit card through the jeweler.  I didn’t actually think they’d approve me for one, as I’ve certainly never been acceptable in the past.  But surprise of all surprises, they approved me.  It was a great moment… I was able to help my brother out and I purchased a Christmas gift for myself.  I won’t get it back until just before Christmas, but I fell in love with a gorgeous white sapphire ring and decided to add it to the purchase.  I can’t wait to get it!  🙂

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I never purchase things for me, and I won’t lie, I felt a little bit guilty on the way home about it.  But, when I think about it, I always put others first.  I always buy things for the children.  I certainly never buy jewelry, and seeing as I’ve been helping the bro do research on rings and gems lately, I’ve certainly drooled over quite a few lovely pieces.  I’m really not much of a jewelry girl.  A few friends of mine live by their accessories and fashion pieces.  Me?  I will often wear one ring on each hand.  I rarely wear earrings and if I wear a necklace, I’ll wear it for 6 months straight and forget about it.  Maybe it’s laziness… or maybe I’m just prefer to keep it simple.

The bro was commenting in the jewelry store, how he can’t wait to settle into life a bit more.  How he looks forward to surprising his wife with an anniversary band or a tennis bracelet.  I nodded and smiled, but struggled to relate to his excitement over this.  I’ve never been in relationships where the other person was one to give jewelry.  Or even gifts.  Come to think of it, I’m not even sure I’d know what my reaction would really be.  I almost think it’s easier to buy stuff for yourself.  You know what you’re spending, you know your own tastes – so you’re guaranteed to love it, and you know it’ll fit.  🙂  Those are wins all around.

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I think it’s a rather old fashioned ideal that my bro shared today.  Men buying their women jewels.  The feminist in me says – there’s no need to do that.  But the lady in me smiles and thinks it’s sweet.  I suppose it really just makes me think of my grandparents.  Granddad would buy nana a new piece of jewelry on every cruise they’d take.  Occasionally, he’d buy her a some type of bling for her birthday or for christmas or an anniversary.  I loved watching her light up every time she’d put something on that he’d given her.  She’d tell me the story around each item and I always enjoyed admiring how pretty she looked as she sparkled.

Well folks – I hope you had as lovely a day as I did.  Much love to you all.  Goodnight.

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A bane to humanity

JenLeave a comment

Have you ever seen a potential red flag in a relationship with someone and just felt an overwhelming sense of annoyance and frustration at having seen it?  That was me tonight.  I’m not frustrated with the person, but I’m frustrated at the sight of a potential problem in the future.  Although – the concept of “red flags” in people doesn’t work well when you actively try not to future trip.

Today I had a session with my counselor.  We’re dropping down to once a week and that makes me feel immensely better.  🙂  Today’s topics included my mother, we touched a little on nana, and we talked about gifts and generosity and money.  I’m glad I get to type instead of talk because I think if I had to speak those words, they’d taste a little bitter on the tongue right now.

Money.  Such a bane to humanity.  I’ve been dirt poor, I’ve been middle of the road, and I’ve been comfortable.  Certainly never been rich, but I feel like I at least have a grasp on understanding the reality of a wide spectrum of financial security (or lack of it) with in social economics.  When you’re poor, you think having money will fix a lot of problems, and when you’re no longer poor, you realize there may be other new problems to face. I remember feeling like people would look down on us if they knew how poor we were.  That somehow, other people would judge because of my finances.  What I didn’t know was that when you’re on the flip side of the coin, there’s still judgment.    Only it’s a new, different kind.  Either people assume that you just buy everything without putting a thought into it, or they think that everything is easy and was handed to you; or they resent that you have it and they don’t.

As a woman, there have been many times, where I’ve been pressured to stay at home, be a mom to my kids and play that role.  Heck, I WAS a stay at home for 6 years.  And then I went back to work and became the bread winner, the guilt in subtle comments I’d get from others was often obnoxious.

I have been the “bread winner” now for 6 years.  I made more than my spouse could so it just made sense.  And men, they have this pressure to provide.  To shoulder the financial stress.  You’d think we could let go of some of the old 50’s ideals – it has been 60+ years. A partnership or team shouldn’t be in competition.  You are a team.  Together as a couple, you should be thinking as one.

Hmm is that old fashioned?

I don’t think so, it just seems like logic to me.  If you’ve pledged to spend your life as a team with someone, then it seems as if showing your appreciation for your mate is that much more important…not just your appreciation for the team you’ve created and what you are working towards, but for them, personally.

But how do you do that without the other person feeling off about it.  What is considered small and thoughtful, vs extravagant and on who’s budget? When I was dating, the fact that I made what I do was often seen as  threat.  It intimidated a lot of men.  I’ve read that a woman making more than a man emasculates them.

What I wish I could help men realize is that if it doesn’t bother us, it shouldn’t bother you.  It means we are big girls who can take care of ourselves and if we chose you – then you can feel safe and comforted knowing we chose you for you – not for what you have or what you could provide.  But for YOU.  That silly dude that we chose who’s grumbly in the morning, who makes faces and silly dances and puddle jumps in the rain with us.  Our best friend.

Goodnight Neverland. Sleep well.

So Damn Happy! :D

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Yesterday was by far one of the busiest days I’ve ever had in my career.  And it’s not slowing down anytime soon.  The rest of this week, my calendar for work is booked, double booked and triple booked in some places.  It’s positively crazy.  Next week, it looks very similar.  For some reason, it doesn’t stress me out.  I have no idea how I’m going to get all my work done, but I know that it’ll get done.  And that’s what matters. 🙂

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I woke up this morning with a big goofy cheesy stupid grin on my face.  Despite having odd dreams and having my son come crawl into my bed at 4am.  I should be a zombie.  I should be grumpy and stressed.  But I’m not.  I got dressed, dropped off the daughter at school, sent out a couple quick emails, stopped for coffee, giggled over the morning radio show and made it to my office with 10 minutes to spare before my first task of the day. 

The ex stopped by last night to drop off a few things.  He’s been extremely mopey lately and I called him on it.  I asked if everything was ok and if there was anything I could do to somehow help.  Note to self.  That question can open up a whole can of worms that really, you don’t want to have opened.  Long story short, I’ve moved on with my life, and he hasn’t.  Funny, there was a time when that would have made me feel guilty.  But I refuse to feel bad or guilty or wrong for moving my life forward.  I refuse to feel bad for actively trying to find myself and a bit of happiness.  And that’s the thing… I’ve spent the last year, actively trying to find myself, and through that, happiness.  And you know what?  It’s worked.  I’m happy.  Yea, sometimes I might have a moment where I’ll be in a bit of a mood, or a bit lonely, but overall, I’m down and out seriously content happy.  I can ride the waves with the best of em now.  I guess in some ways, I always could.  But in the past, any life hiccups were stressful.  Now I just roll with it.  Why get your panties in a twist over something that likely was out of your control anyway? 

My birthday is coming up.  Soon.  April 5th. For the first time in my adult life, I’m planning to DO something for it.  And I’m so excited.  I can’t quite put it to words.  Birthdays in the past were just another day.  In fact, they were generally a day that was filled with mixed emotions.  I get the obligatory phone calls from family, sometimes my dad will call – and other years he’ll completely forget.  The ex would never plan anything, or if he did it was last minute and half-assed.  Gifts? ha! I’ve talked about gifts on this blog before.  If I wanted a gift for my birthday, it was up to me to go and pick it out and buy it.  And 10 years of doing that will teach a person to be ok with that.  This year would be no different, as I’m not anticipating any gifts this year.  But this year IS different.  I’m making plans.  Gathering up the gaggle of friends to go and do something memorable.  A scavenger hunt around the city followed by a burlesque show and dinner and drinks at a place with some awesome views of the city, I hope to capture as many happy moments with my camera as I possibly can.  I don’t have to feel like a nuisance or a bother this year.  I don’t have to stress about feeling let down by the lack of caring and lack of planning.  I don’t have to feel hurt that even on my birthday, I am and was never a priority in someone else’s life.  Hell – this year – I’m a priority in my own life.  That alone is a dramatic shift.  A healthy one. 🙂

 

Just some thoughts…

Jen6 Comments

ImageI’ve been up since 5.  That’s joy of having a two year old.  He woke up and wanted nothing more than to take over my bed and watch the Magic School Bus.  Tonight he’s going to go stay with Grandma for an overnight.  Should be fun, I hope.  I’ve had a bunch of thoughts running through my head this morning.  Random ones, but I’d thought I’d share.

I am uncomfortable with people spending money on me.  Funny, when you think about the fact that one of my “love languages” is gifts.  I like to spoil others.  If I’m spoiling myself, I like to include others.  If I’ve given a gift, I like reciprocation.  BUT … I don’t like it when someone spends more on me than what I feel I deserve.  Maybe it’s because I make what I do.  I like to go out for a fancy dinner every now and then, but I get awkward and uncomfortable when someone tries to pay for it for me. Why is that?  Why isn’t someone else entitled do spoil me the way I do to others?  Why does it freak me out so much?

Love.  It’s complex.  There are varying levels of it.  I love my cat, I love my kids, I love my bro.  Those are some levels.  When I love a man – there are varying stages there too.  The first stage for me is interesting.  It slowly creeps up on you – and dawns on you that the person you’re with is someone who, if they were to walk out of your life, you’d be hurt by it.  That’s typically when I know that I feel love towards a person.  Then it grows … or doesn’t… from there.  Sex is not something that I take lightly or give openly, unless there is that definite and real possibility that love is there or will be.  Sex is the next stage.  Women are known for getting more emotionally attached after sex, and this rings true for me as well.  It is one of the reasons I am careful about sex.  For me, I give a small piece of me to a man; and hope to receive a small piece of him in return.  Reciprocation is a big key there.

The bro has a date tonight.  I’m excited for him.  I hope it goes well and is a huge success.  We spent a bunch of time talking about the what if’s last night.  What if she’s “the one”?  What if she’s not?  It’s certainly been interesting, with both of us single.  We both have very different approaches, and very different “end goals”.  He wants a wife and a family; having never experienced those for himself.  I can’t imagine being a wife again.  And yet, it’s kind of all I know.  I was good at it. I don’t think I ever want to get married again.  I want love, I want companionship, I want a best friend and an amazing sex life… but I no longer believe that marriage is one of the checkpoints on the list.  I can’t have any more children, so that’s obviously another that’s not on my checklist.  I should say this…I dream of finding that one person. I dream that they’ll ask my step dad permission (no one ever has). I dream that I’ll find that amazing love that will allow me to feel safe with the idea of marriage again…but, I don’t know that it’s realistic of me to dream like that.

Marriage is a piece of paper.  You can have love and commitment and comfort and joy without that little piece of paper.  It no longer means what it used to mean.  When I married my first husband, I was 19.  We were high school sweethearts.  Being young and naive, I truly believed that your first should be your last.  And he and I shared many firsts.  I believed that love alone could conquer.  It was so very different from what I had pictured in my head.  I handled the abuse quite well, but when it spread to my new 1 month old daughter, we got out.  After being together for 6 years, we got divorced.  Waged war.  I won.  This state favors women.  I gave him opportunities to prove he could get control of himself and be a dad, he chose not to.  His loss.

With my last ex… I still believed in the absolute power of love alone.  I thought love and my stubborn determination could help to change and improve the man for the better.  I knew when I married him that he was a raging alcoholic, and I truly thought I could help him get better.  That he’d choose love and a family over a lousy bottle of beer.  10 years.  Ten years of telling myself every day that “someday, he’ll wake up and we’ll just have everything we wanted”.  Ten years of ME working towards the things we wanted alone, while he would try and hide his habits and mistakes.

Love is not enough.  The power of it, while fantastic and amazing… is not enough.  There is so much more to factor into a relationship.

Compatibility, which also has a ton of layers to it.  I can handle anyone for a short amount of time, even a few days.  But what about over time?  A year?  eh – even that seems easy.  When the two major relationships in your life were both longer term ones, it seems like a short one would be a cinch.

Compromise.  Every relationship requires it.

Trust.  This is a duh, or it damn well should be.

Openness.  This is something I value.  Be willing and able to share the thoughts I see cross your face, because lord knows, I’m going to ask.  🙂

Play.  Whether with each other, games, with kids.  There has to be a time for laughter and joy and play.

Alignment in Priorities.  Whether these are life goals, or just feeling similar about how often to spend time together…priorities are important.  How much of a priority to do you make each other?  Myself, I have NO desire to be a man’s #1 priority.  I like my space and independence too much.  But I know I need to be a priority in some way to feel like I’m wanted and needed.  I should rank in the top 5-6 hehe.  If a crisis pops up in life, I want to know about it and not be the last to find out.

Affection.  I’m affectionate.  I like hugs and cuddles.  I like to touch a person..as appropriate for the person of course.

Sexual Compatibility.  This one’s a little tricky. Or at least it has the potential to be.  And there’s a lot that factors in here too.  Some say you either are compatible here or you aren’t.  Others think it grows over time.  I kind of find myself smack in the middle on this one.  There damn well should be some spark there or what’s the point?! But the ability to always be successful … eh … I could see there being situations where 2 people, still kinda new to each other are going to fumble a little here and there.  So that could take practice over time.   Although when I say that – if you were to ask me how much time… I’d have NO clue.

Communication.  This one is tricky too.  How much is too much?  How much is too little?  What forms of communication are being used?  Obviously in-person communication trumps all.  I’ve never been much of a fan of phone calls.  And lately, even texts drive me a little crazy.  There’s too much room open for interpretation with them.  Things get misread, or misunderstood.

Sigh.  Well I obviously don’t have all the answers.  But at least I understand the ingredients.

The spirit of christmas

Jen1 Comment

christmas

I’m just not feeling it this year.  I’m trying.  I’m putting in my usual effort – sorta.  Only sorta.  It’s strange.  I’m THE Christmas girl.  I’m competitive with my mom over who’s tree is the prettiest. 🙂  I make gifts of cookies and home made Kahlua and pass them out to friends.  I once was a professional gift wrapper for a year in between jobs and am proud to be able to make some of the coolest looking presents on the planet.  The lady who taught me to make bows was a bow nazi.  Very strict and precise.  I’m grateful to her actually.  My bows will put Martha Stewart’s to shame.  🙂

This year, I didn’t do Kahlua.  I didn’t do cookies.  We didn’t go drive around look at Christmas lights, drinking peppermint cocoa and listening to Christmas tunes.  We didn’t go sit by the bonfire and watch the ships decked out in holiday lights listening to the choir sing, bundled up like that kid in a Christmas Story.  I put my tree up.  It’s lovely this year.  Best yet in fact.  I’ve wrapped most of my gifts, still need to finish up actually.  And everyone is being thoroughly spoiled, which is fantastic.  But that’s it.  No lights on the house.  I am definitely lacking in the Christmas spirit department, and unfortunately, it’s not something I can go pick up at the department store.  I don’t think I’ll find it hidden among the other goodies on aisle 5.

There are many reasons for my lack of spirit this year.  All are valid, and yet, I’m still confused by it.  Christmas is my favorite time of year.  A time when human light conquers dark.  I’m not religious, and I’m not speaking from a religious standpoint.  Some of my family are getting older.  We’ve already had a few ups and downs this year with them.  We’re keeping things low key this year.  And that is perfectly acceptable to me.  I’m feeling low key this year.  I had to buy my own gifts this year.  Honestly, I have every year for quite some time, but always put someone else’s name on the tag.  This year it was different.  Who do I put on the tag?  Myself?  It’s weird buying a gift for yourself.  I only picked up a couple of things, so I’d have something to unwrap while everyone else was digging into their piles.  A box of chocolates, a pair of gloves, and a candle holder that I couldn’t stop eyeing.  I don’t mind not having anything for me, I can buy myself what I want when I need to.  I just don’t want to feel the way I do about it.  Like somehow, others will look down on me, or feel sorry for me.  Look, there’s the fluffy who has no one.  But maybe that’s just what I hear in my own head.

There’s also been the challenge of trying to figure out who goes where and does what this christmas.  Navigating holiday time was already complicated, but now with an ex and a step son that I still have in my life, navigating this one has been tough.  I didn’t know what was appropriate as far as buying gifts for them.  I just went with my gut and then cut it down a little.  😀  Otherwise, knowing me, I’ll have gone overboard.

I was supposed to go see the christmas ships tonight.  The ex and I were going to go and see them, as it’s a tradition.  Just as friends.  But he’s sick, and none of us want to get it.  So I cancelled.  And I’m ok with that too.  I don’t know that I was in the mood to go.  I’m hoping I’ll find some christmas spirit here in the next day or so.  I love the magic that comes with christmas time.  I hope that it will somehow leave an imprint on me.  🙂