Tag: new love

A sleepy ramble…

Jen3 Comments

dreams

Morning everyone.  I’m tired today.  Woke up with lingering images still in my head.  Remnants of a dream world that I didn’t want to leave.  Most of the time, my dreams are nightmares, the kind that leave you shaken and paranoid to fall back asleep.  But every so often, I’ll have a good night where my dreams are filled with hope and love and safety and .. in the case of last night – the most incredible, hottest sex ever.  🙂  Hence my not wanting to awake and join the real world.  It’s rare that I get lost in such a positive dream world.

I have made an interesting discovery.  Normally – this time of year is the worst for me.  Having lost Ben at Thanksgiving, this time of year is usually filled with both christmas cheer and a sadness that he’s not here to enjoy it with me and the kids.  I do my best tho, to make the holiday be magical for my children, and hide from them my general state of melancholy.  This year, at least so far, has been different.  I still think of Ben every day.  I touch a picture I have of him on my desk at work and say good morning to him every day.  But this year, I’m not sad.  Ok maybe a little, but it’s different this year.  I think he’d be proud of me…despite the fact that I didn’t stay with his father.
Because of some really good friends, my thanksgiving was filled with joy and hope and not my usual sadness.  I don’t think I’ve ever been so grateful for a friend and I can honestly say, it’s been a very long time since I’ve had this kind of hope but I have a shit ton of baggage.  I’m this strange combination of confidence and insecurity.  I don’t know that I’d say I’m broken – but in a lot of ways that’s probably an accurate description.  My previous life left a path of damage not unlike what’s left behind a tornado’s path.  I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing.  And coming from me, that’s quite a statement.  I’m so scared to mess it up, to scare people away.  I’m scared that all my instincts are off.  I’m scared that people won’t see me.  And I mean, really SEE me.  I’ve done a lot of self discovery in the last year. I like who I am…even if I am still a little messed up.

Things I’ve discovered about myself that I didn’t know…as sad as some if it might be:

  1. My inner strength and how strong I am
  2. I am a DAMN good mom. 🙂 My kids are happy.  I mean down and out sincerely happy.
  3. I am a sexual creature – who knew!?  Amazing what happens when you’re no longer with someone who has no sex drive or appreciation for a woman who wants to please her man.
  4. Not only am I sexual – but I’m damn sexy! You know how I know?  I had some boudoir photography done.  For someone as insecure as I am, this is HUGE.  And I can honestly say it was one of the BEST experiences I’ve ever had.  I needed to prove to myself after leaving my ex that I was sexy, and sultry and not an unwanted troll.  HOLY COW can we say mission accomplished?    I will also be the advocate for ANY and ALL women to do this for themselves.  Doesn’t matter your age or weight – DO IT.

    I thought long and hard about whether I wanted to share any of them… as personally – this is something I would normally keep private.  But I wanted to prove that I did indeed do this.  So here is one of the safer ones I will share.
  5. I don’t always want to be in control.  In fact, there are a lot of times when I don’t want to be in control at all. Being a parent and a leader at work means I’m the boss – a lot.  I don’t want to be the boss at home.  I think this is why the idea of finding a real MAN appeals to me so much.
  6. Communication and blunt honesty is SO much better than stuffing it down and being polite.  Yea, you might upset a few people every now and then, but in the long run, honest communication trumps all.
  7. I am smart.  I made a goal for myself a year ago that I wanted to have 30 patents (with my name as an inventor) by the time I hit 40.  I’m WELL on my way…with 5 now officially under my belt. 🙂

Hmm this list could get a lot longer – but we’ll leave it there for the time being.  Happy Tuesday everyone!

Nervous today…

Jen7 Comments

So much for not future tripping.  That bastard put his foot right out in front of me on purpose, I swear!  Hell – so much for a lot of things I told myself I wouldn’t do.  I’ve had a lot of epiphanies lately.  Lots of soul searching happening in my corner of the world.  Some have really been eye opening.  Others, just frustrating and even bordering on depressing. I’ve had some conversations with friends and family recently that put me in this reflective state.  “Don’t focus on men right now, just focus on you.”  “Learn to be alone”.  My pendulum has swung in both directions as far as responses to this.  Part of me wants to argue, after all, what human being on this planet actually WANTS to be alone?  Isn’t that in fact what makes us human?  That we are social creatures who instinctively are searching for a mate and partner?  Now I’m not actively searching for that… Hell, I’d likely have some pretty serious commitment issues right now anyway. But that doesn’t mean I don’t hope to find love again.

What motivations have you had in life to do what you do?  Love?  Money?  Family?  Friends?  The next epiphany I had was that in my life, most of the things I’ve done have been either for love or my career.  In fact, the trend seems to be that I default to Love first, and when that fails miserably, I almost stubbornly stick my head in the sand and focus on my career.  Perhaps it’s because I feel I have more control in that area of my life?  What really hurt tho, was realizing as I looked back at my past motivations, that one of the choices I made to love someone hurt many others.  It’s one thing to give your heart away to a guy or go on a bunch of dates.  But this particular realization came when I realized that my need to give my love caused more pain and heartache in the people I care about the most.  3 years ago, I had a son.  The pregnancy itself had been terrible.  He was sick, the doctors said he wouldn’t make it.  They pushed and pushed for us to terminate.  I couldn’t do it.  I needed him to know he was loved and wanted – even if it meant I’d have to let him go.  So I continued the pregnancy.  There were no celebrations for him.  No parties, people didn’t ask me how it was going – they all knew.  I’ve never felt more alone than I did those nine months.  The feelings of isolation only helped me bond even more with the little man growing in my belly.  And then he arrived.  He was beautiful.  Absolutely beautiful.  And like me, a stubborn fighter who refused to give in to the doctor’s prognosis.  He went through a brain surgery and a surgery to install a permanent feeding tube.  Kept amazing the doctors and nurses.  He came home.  I danced with him to my favorite songs and loved and enjoyed every second that I had.  Even to the detriment of my own health.  A doctor’s mistake, actually a multitude of mistakes, led to his death.  He died in my arms.  And when he died, so did so many others emotionally around me.  To say that I’m traumatized over it is most definitely an understatement.  But that’s not the point of this post… what hit me was that it was my need to give and show love, that was the catalyst that led to so many in my family being destroyed by grief.

Why is love motivation for what I do in life?  I’ve been told by many in my life that I’m hard to be around.  Not because I’m difficult, or frustrating.  I’ve been told that it’s like being in the sun.  When you have my attention, you feel warm and safe and loved and all is right.  But when my attention goes elsewhere you’re left cold, dark and alone.  Don’t know about you, but to me, that doesn’t sound like a great quality to have.  And the fact that i’ve heard it many times over the years frustrates me to no end.

My family and friends, they’re telling me to stop.  To slow down.  To quit giving people my love and affection.  Well – I only know one way to love, and that’s with all my heart.  If I get hurt, so be it.  But I’d rather be honest and upfront about how I feel, and maybe just maybe have the same feelings returned, than to miss out and never experience it at all.
For the first time in my life, I’m scared to love.  I’m feeling suddenly a little jaded.  I almost expect that when I find a guy, he’ll do the “fade out” on me and I’ll be left wondering what I did wrong.  What a trap to get myself into.  I realize that this insecurity could be what actually leads this person to run away and flee.  Such a double edged sword to be teetering on.  I hope I’m wrong.  I hope that maybe, just maybe, I’ll be safe, and won’t get hurt.  Or that maybe I can shield myself, do what the friends say and not give my heart to anyone.

Who knew that matters of the heart would be so damn complicated. 🙂

Happy Tuesday to all.