Nervous today…

So much for not future tripping.  That bastard put his foot right out in front of me on purpose, I swear!  Hell – so much for a lot of things I told myself I wouldn’t do.  I’ve had a lot of epiphanies lately.  Lots of soul searching happening in my corner of the world.  Some have really been eye opening.  Others, just frustrating and even bordering on depressing. I’ve had some conversations with friends and family recently that put me in this reflective state.  “Don’t focus on men right now, just focus on you.”  “Learn to be alone”.  My pendulum has swung in both directions as far as responses to this.  Part of me wants to argue, after all, what human being on this planet actually WANTS to be alone?  Isn’t that in fact what makes us human?  That we are social creatures who instinctively are searching for a mate and partner?  Now I’m not actively searching for that… Hell, I’d likely have some pretty serious commitment issues right now anyway. But that doesn’t mean I don’t hope to find love again.

What motivations have you had in life to do what you do?  Love?  Money?  Family?  Friends?  The next epiphany I had was that in my life, most of the things I’ve done have been either for love or my career.  In fact, the trend seems to be that I default to Love first, and when that fails miserably, I almost stubbornly stick my head in the sand and focus on my career.  Perhaps it’s because I feel I have more control in that area of my life?  What really hurt tho, was realizing as I looked back at my past motivations, that one of the choices I made to love someone hurt many others.  It’s one thing to give your heart away to a guy or go on a bunch of dates.  But this particular realization came when I realized that my need to give my love caused more pain and heartache in the people I care about the most.  3 years ago, I had a son.  The pregnancy itself had been terrible.  He was sick, the doctors said he wouldn’t make it.  They pushed and pushed for us to terminate.  I couldn’t do it.  I needed him to know he was loved and wanted – even if it meant I’d have to let him go.  So I continued the pregnancy.  There were no celebrations for him.  No parties, people didn’t ask me how it was going – they all knew.  I’ve never felt more alone than I did those nine months.  The feelings of isolation only helped me bond even more with the little man growing in my belly.  And then he arrived.  He was beautiful.  Absolutely beautiful.  And like me, a stubborn fighter who refused to give in to the doctor’s prognosis.  He went through a brain surgery and a surgery to install a permanent feeding tube.  Kept amazing the doctors and nurses.  He came home.  I danced with him to my favorite songs and loved and enjoyed every second that I had.  Even to the detriment of my own health.  A doctor’s mistake, actually a multitude of mistakes, led to his death.  He died in my arms.  And when he died, so did so many others emotionally around me.  To say that I’m traumatized over it is most definitely an understatement.  But that’s not the point of this post… what hit me was that it was my need to give and show love, that was the catalyst that led to so many in my family being destroyed by grief.

Why is love motivation for what I do in life?  I’ve been told by many in my life that I’m hard to be around.  Not because I’m difficult, or frustrating.  I’ve been told that it’s like being in the sun.  When you have my attention, you feel warm and safe and loved and all is right.  But when my attention goes elsewhere you’re left cold, dark and alone.  Don’t know about you, but to me, that doesn’t sound like a great quality to have.  And the fact that i’ve heard it many times over the years frustrates me to no end.

My family and friends, they’re telling me to stop.  To slow down.  To quit giving people my love and affection.  Well – I only know one way to love, and that’s with all my heart.  If I get hurt, so be it.  But I’d rather be honest and upfront about how I feel, and maybe just maybe have the same feelings returned, than to miss out and never experience it at all.
For the first time in my life, I’m scared to love.  I’m feeling suddenly a little jaded.  I almost expect that when I find a guy, he’ll do the “fade out” on me and I’ll be left wondering what I did wrong.  What a trap to get myself into.  I realize that this insecurity could be what actually leads this person to run away and flee.  Such a double edged sword to be teetering on.  I hope I’m wrong.  I hope that maybe, just maybe, I’ll be safe, and won’t get hurt.  Or that maybe I can shield myself, do what the friends say and not give my heart to anyone.

Who knew that matters of the heart would be so damn complicated. 🙂

Happy Tuesday to all.

7 thoughts on “Nervous today…

  1. You have been through an incredibly hard time….It’s not about choosing to be alone, it’s about learning to love and nurture yourself first. When you love yourself, it will be so much easier to love others, without fear of hurt or misery. Because you have a safe place to come back to. Be good to yourself.

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