Tag: boudoir

Taking a leap

Jen2 Comments

I’m taking the summer off…

(pause)

I’m taking the summer off, and starting a business.

(longer pause)

The weight of that statement is heavy… and yet… it just feels right.

Maybe it’s stupid.  Maybe I’ll regret it.  Maybe it will be a total and absolute flop.  Or…. Maybe it will be amazing, and maybe I’ll be able to sustain the way we live and will feel end up feeling refreshed and recharged and return to work or just keep going… who knows?!

I have a job interview, well… two of them, next week.  I’m excited for these opportunities.  But I also know how slow the big companies typically are when it comes to actually bringing someone on board, so in the mean time, I’ll happily play with my new camera.

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It was a risk to buy it, but I’m fairly convinced I’ll be able to earn back the money I spent to buy it.  And things are oddly falling into place.  I’ve been invited to be the only photographer at the northwest writers convention in a couple of weeks.  I’ll have a booth set up that I have to figure out what I’m going to put in there.  Sometimes, it’s all in who you know.  I feel a little silly getting this opportunity, seeing as I don’t have tons of experience.  But then another friend saw my work and asked if I’d do some photos for her business, and I’ve got a couple of people inquiring about boudoir work.  Even a dude who wants to do dudeoir!

Today I had what was my third official boudoir photography session – where I was the photographer.  It turned out to be an amazing shoot.  I got SO many good shots, in such a short amount of time.  My client was thrilled, and of course, so was I, as this is more work I can put in my portfolio – she happily gave me those rights. 🙂

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I reached out to quite a few of my friends and people in my network… I want to capture life.  I don’t have much desire to shoot weddings, but I’d like to do just about everything else.  Births, engagements or couples shoots, events, kids & pet portraits…. and of course, boudoir.  Especially Boudoir.  Some day I’d love to have a trailer set up so that I could take a mobile studio and shoot at the race for cure.  Give people a sense of empowerment over their own self esteem.  Show them how beautiful they really are.  I want to document love.  Something real.  I want to show people what I see of the world in front of me.

I think that’s why I like photography as much as I do.  It, along with art, are the few ways I can show someone else the world through my eyes.  In this case, seeing the world through my lens.  The camera makes me feel brave and secure.

I’ve added links to my instagram and business facebook page to the sidebars of this blog.  I do hope you’ll at least peek at my work and give me some feedback or a kind word of encouragement.  🙂

Thanks neverland.  Much love to you tonight.

XXO.

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Giving self doubt the finger!

Jen1 Comment

It’s been a whirlwind of a few weeks.  Between work, kids, life, counseling, and those nearest and dearest to me…. I’ve been a busy girl.  I’ve been begging for the photos from my latest boudoir session and tonight, they were delivered.  It’s been strange going through them.  The thoughts that go through your head when you see photos of yourself.  Superficial, self conscious, self destructive thoughts…  and in order to prove to myself that I can win over those things… I’m going to post a couple here.  Self doubt – this is me giving you the finger.

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Are those really my legs?  No way.  I know that’s my tattoo.. but really?!  Cuz maybe it’s just me.. but DAMN!  Where’d THEY come from?!

When I look in the mirror, I see a woman.  She’s just starting to show her age, a couple of grey hairs, a couple of laugh lines forming in the face.  Her body, shows that she’s had 3 children.  When I look in the mirror, every flaw, every roll, every detail that I don’t like, is glaring and obvious.

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In this kind of photography, it seems you focus and capture the essence of what’s so often overlooked by ourselves, and blur out the rest.  You simply hint at the sexuality of it all.

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If only we could see ourselves as others do.  What would we see?  What would be different (in good ways and bad)?  What would be the same, if anything?

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I’m too hard on myself, this I know and understand.  But after spending some time going through these photos tonight, I’ve realized, perhaps, I need to do a little more loving of myself.  Ok, yea, I’m fluffy… but who cares?  Cuz right now, I’m pretty dang proud of who I am.

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A sleepy ramble…

Jen3 Comments

dreams

Morning everyone.  I’m tired today.  Woke up with lingering images still in my head.  Remnants of a dream world that I didn’t want to leave.  Most of the time, my dreams are nightmares, the kind that leave you shaken and paranoid to fall back asleep.  But every so often, I’ll have a good night where my dreams are filled with hope and love and safety and .. in the case of last night – the most incredible, hottest sex ever.  🙂  Hence my not wanting to awake and join the real world.  It’s rare that I get lost in such a positive dream world.

I have made an interesting discovery.  Normally – this time of year is the worst for me.  Having lost Ben at Thanksgiving, this time of year is usually filled with both christmas cheer and a sadness that he’s not here to enjoy it with me and the kids.  I do my best tho, to make the holiday be magical for my children, and hide from them my general state of melancholy.  This year, at least so far, has been different.  I still think of Ben every day.  I touch a picture I have of him on my desk at work and say good morning to him every day.  But this year, I’m not sad.  Ok maybe a little, but it’s different this year.  I think he’d be proud of me…despite the fact that I didn’t stay with his father.
Because of some really good friends, my thanksgiving was filled with joy and hope and not my usual sadness.  I don’t think I’ve ever been so grateful for a friend and I can honestly say, it’s been a very long time since I’ve had this kind of hope but I have a shit ton of baggage.  I’m this strange combination of confidence and insecurity.  I don’t know that I’d say I’m broken – but in a lot of ways that’s probably an accurate description.  My previous life left a path of damage not unlike what’s left behind a tornado’s path.  I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing.  And coming from me, that’s quite a statement.  I’m so scared to mess it up, to scare people away.  I’m scared that all my instincts are off.  I’m scared that people won’t see me.  And I mean, really SEE me.  I’ve done a lot of self discovery in the last year. I like who I am…even if I am still a little messed up.

Things I’ve discovered about myself that I didn’t know…as sad as some if it might be:

  1. My inner strength and how strong I am
  2. I am a DAMN good mom. 🙂 My kids are happy.  I mean down and out sincerely happy.
  3. I am a sexual creature – who knew!?  Amazing what happens when you’re no longer with someone who has no sex drive or appreciation for a woman who wants to please her man.
  4. Not only am I sexual – but I’m damn sexy! You know how I know?  I had some boudoir photography done.  For someone as insecure as I am, this is HUGE.  And I can honestly say it was one of the BEST experiences I’ve ever had.  I needed to prove to myself after leaving my ex that I was sexy, and sultry and not an unwanted troll.  HOLY COW can we say mission accomplished?    I will also be the advocate for ANY and ALL women to do this for themselves.  Doesn’t matter your age or weight – DO IT.

    I thought long and hard about whether I wanted to share any of them… as personally – this is something I would normally keep private.  But I wanted to prove that I did indeed do this.  So here is one of the safer ones I will share.
  5. I don’t always want to be in control.  In fact, there are a lot of times when I don’t want to be in control at all. Being a parent and a leader at work means I’m the boss – a lot.  I don’t want to be the boss at home.  I think this is why the idea of finding a real MAN appeals to me so much.
  6. Communication and blunt honesty is SO much better than stuffing it down and being polite.  Yea, you might upset a few people every now and then, but in the long run, honest communication trumps all.
  7. I am smart.  I made a goal for myself a year ago that I wanted to have 30 patents (with my name as an inventor) by the time I hit 40.  I’m WELL on my way…with 5 now officially under my belt. 🙂

Hmm this list could get a lot longer – but we’ll leave it there for the time being.  Happy Tuesday everyone!