Tag: dreams

Coming round to a decision…

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I’ve come to a decision about my future. It’s taken me some time. I’ve let things marinate and I’ve given ample opportunity to see change. I’ve worked with my counselor just about every week to better understand my reactions and where I could have done things differently. And after all of it – I’m about ready to file for divorce. I’ve given myself a deadline. I have to have surgery in a few weeks, so I’m giving myself some room there too – to rest, recover and heal. But I’m feeling pretty positive about my decision. I can honestly say I’ve done all I could to make things work from my end. I’ve listened more than I’ve ever listened in my life. And ultimately – I think this may be the reason I’m going through this. The universe has thrown lessons and tests at me throughout my life – and I don’t always understand them in the moment – darn that hindsight being 20/20 … but I think I understand this one.

I needed to learn that you can lead that damn horse to water – but only the horse can make himself drink. I needed to learn to be able to communicate in a better, more productive way. In previous relationships I learned how to have a voice – but often it would come out raging or so filled with emotions that my voice wasn’t clear or crisp. The past year has taught me how to use my voice in a calm, collected, crystal clear fashion. I learned how to set boundaries, how to find an awareness of my own needs and be able to voice them. And – in the end – I learned how to choose myself, my health, my emotional well being, and ultimately, my future happiness- over what would have amounted to death by a thousand paper cuts.

It’s odd – in my work life – things could not be better. I won a manager award on Wednesday. Recognized for being a top leader, transforming a team, and inspiring others to become better leaders. It felt good… but bittersweet in some ways. How can I be getting it so right at work – but so wrong at home?

The kids are happy and healthy… Well-loved and thriving. My puppies are also doing damn well- although my youngest pup still has the energy of a tornado. hehe. That’s what 12 week old puppies do tho, so it’s to be expected! So maybe I’m not getting it wrong at “home” – but I sure do question my ability to get it right when it comes to matters of the heart.

I’m hopeful for 2020. I’m going to continue to focus on embracing my own well being. I’m going to keep the trend of being authentically me. But I am also going to work on re-establishing my tribe. Somehow, in the past year, I’ve let a lot of my friendships falter. Not by doing something bad – just from general neglect and lack of attention. My focus was elsewhere, and I’m feeling the loss. I miss the “family” that I built around me. Not all are blood – in fact, very little are truly family members. My tribe was a group of people who became as close as family to me – and in all truth – I miss them. There are only a very small circle of people I talk to these days – and even out of that circle, only 2 who know what’s really going on with me. It’s kind of a lonely existence when you’re in limbo. And I’ve never been a very patient woman when it comes to my own path. I get frustrated when my dreams aren’t moving along at the pace I think they should. I know – it’s silly.

Well – I should get my butt moving. Time to dive into another day at work. The day beckons… but please know, to all you who read this silly little blog – I appreciate you. I’m thankful that you’re there – reading the things I toss into the void. Have a great day!

A lovely day

Jen2 Comments

Today, I went with my bro to pick out and purchase an engagement ring for the woman he’s been seeing.  It was fun to watch him agonize over the right ring, dreaming about his future with this lovely woman.  He had a set budget, he’d been saving for a while.  She didn’t want anything extravagant, which was lucky, as his budget wouldn’t allow for that.  It was, truly, a very sweet moment in his life.  I felt honored to be apart of it.

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When the saleswoman brought him the total, his face fell.  He was $100 short.  He confessed that even if it had been on the nose, he’d have less than $50 to live on till he got paid.  I applied for a credit card through the jeweler.  I didn’t actually think they’d approve me for one, as I’ve certainly never been acceptable in the past.  But surprise of all surprises, they approved me.  It was a great moment… I was able to help my brother out and I purchased a Christmas gift for myself.  I won’t get it back until just before Christmas, but I fell in love with a gorgeous white sapphire ring and decided to add it to the purchase.  I can’t wait to get it!  🙂

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I never purchase things for me, and I won’t lie, I felt a little bit guilty on the way home about it.  But, when I think about it, I always put others first.  I always buy things for the children.  I certainly never buy jewelry, and seeing as I’ve been helping the bro do research on rings and gems lately, I’ve certainly drooled over quite a few lovely pieces.  I’m really not much of a jewelry girl.  A few friends of mine live by their accessories and fashion pieces.  Me?  I will often wear one ring on each hand.  I rarely wear earrings and if I wear a necklace, I’ll wear it for 6 months straight and forget about it.  Maybe it’s laziness… or maybe I’m just prefer to keep it simple.

The bro was commenting in the jewelry store, how he can’t wait to settle into life a bit more.  How he looks forward to surprising his wife with an anniversary band or a tennis bracelet.  I nodded and smiled, but struggled to relate to his excitement over this.  I’ve never been in relationships where the other person was one to give jewelry.  Or even gifts.  Come to think of it, I’m not even sure I’d know what my reaction would really be.  I almost think it’s easier to buy stuff for yourself.  You know what you’re spending, you know your own tastes – so you’re guaranteed to love it, and you know it’ll fit.  🙂  Those are wins all around.

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I think it’s a rather old fashioned ideal that my bro shared today.  Men buying their women jewels.  The feminist in me says – there’s no need to do that.  But the lady in me smiles and thinks it’s sweet.  I suppose it really just makes me think of my grandparents.  Granddad would buy nana a new piece of jewelry on every cruise they’d take.  Occasionally, he’d buy her a some type of bling for her birthday or for christmas or an anniversary.  I loved watching her light up every time she’d put something on that he’d given her.  She’d tell me the story around each item and I always enjoyed admiring how pretty she looked as she sparkled.

Well folks – I hope you had as lovely a day as I did.  Much love to you all.  Goodnight.

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Sleeping with nightmares, living with dreams…

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I have problems with nightmares.  I’ve always had incredibly vivid dreams, even when I was just a child.  Because of this, I’ve also always been plagued with a lot of nightmares.  I swear, every insecurity, every fear I have… surface in my dreams on a regular basis.  I’ve always hated it.  I always dream I’m going to lose the ones I love.  My children, my family, my spouse, my friends…. this is the common theme to my dreams.  I can’t recall the countless number of nights where I’ve woken up absolutely terrified that what I dreamed was reality.  Sometimes, I’d have to check on my children and make sure that they were still sound asleep in their beds.

It’s been two nights in a row now that my nightmares have caused me to wake the house.  I feel bad when this happens.  I also feel bad because for the past two nights in a row, my nightmares have centered around an obnoxious main topic.

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In my dreams, everyone I love and care about leave me.  They decide that I’m not good enough, and walk away.  In my dreams, I’m left … cold, forgotten, unloved, scared and broken.  Now, logically… I know that it’s just a dream.  I know, because I awake and I’m safe.

BUT…

The non-logical side of me; the side that reveals herself in dreams…. will taunt me with these illogical fears.  I hate it.  I hate how it takes me a while – sometimes even a day or two, to settle down and relax again.   Not to mention – I’m then leery to go back to sleep and end up a little on the tired and cranky side the days following.

I suppose, if I were to look on the bright side… life has become something I cherish…. the people, my friends and family, my job, even my pets.  The idea of losing all that I’ve built in the last few years… shakes me to my core.  I have everything I could possibly need right now.. well – maybe not EVERYTHING… but I’m damn happy.  Someday I’ll find a relationship that equals what I need it to be… but for now, you see.. when I’m awake… that’s now become the dream.  A fantasy come true.

Happy Wednesday Neverland.  The week is half over.  Now if only I could just go take a nap.

Insecurities and trust

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insecurity

I learned something very interesting about myself this weekend.  Grief brings out my insecurities.  It makes sense when I think about it.  When I’m grieving, I am in a very lost, lonely, sad kind of state.  That is typically when I feel like I need my support system the most.  It’s also when I feel guilt over needing my support system.  It feels needy and clingy and stupid. 

What I learned this weekend wasn’t that I’m insecure.  I already knew that.  🙂  What I learned this weekend is that sometimes, you have to learn to let go, and trust in those you love.  If someone tells you they love you, and they’ve done nothing to really make you doubt or deny that, then trust that they actually do love you as they say they do. 

I don’t know when I got to be like this.  Maybe they are a side effect of grief, or maybe I’ve always had issues with it in some respects.  I give love to others.  I’m generous (overly so in some cases), I go out of my way to make sure that the people I love KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that I love them.  And yet, I sometimes fail to recognize the love that others give to me.  It’s not done intentionally.  I would be devastated if someone I loved didn’t recognize that and feel that from me, and yet, sometimes, I don’t see it.  And I should.  How do you learn to see the love and affection that others give?  Is it because I’m so focused on making sure I don’t screw up that I fail to enjoy what’s given to me?  Ding Ding Ding!  Holy crap what a realization to come to.  Why do I do that?  I think … to be honest, I think it’s somewhat out of guilt.  I don’t feel that I deserve it, or I’m scared it’s going to go away.  I’m done being scared.  I want to love with all my heart.  I want to allow myself to be loved in return.  Because I deserve it.  Because I’m a good, honorable, passionate, smart, sexy woman who sometimes fails to recognize those traits in herself.  I’m worthy.  I swear, I need to write that somewhere I can see it every day. 

I.  Am.  Worthy. 

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I’ve had some bad recurring nightmares in the last week.  I’ve also had a few good dreams, which is unusual and inspires a bit of hope in me that maybe the nightmares can be made to go away.  I’ve had nightmares since I was a kid.  My mother has very vivid dreams as well, so part of me wonders if dreaming is somehow hereditary.  One dream I’ve had for many many years involves everyone I know and love disappearing before my eyes.  I’ve always thought the meaning of that dream pointed to my insecurities, and my fear of abandonment, and I’m probably right.  This new dream, it involves the death of my children.  And I can point to grief on that, maybe a bit of PTSD after losing Ben, but I could also say that maybe I’m grieving something else too.  My friend R pointed out this weekend that perhaps, besides mourning the loss of my son, I’m also mourning the loss of a dream.  I sometimes look around me and think about how I never planned for this.  I never planned to raise my children alone.  I never planned to be a corporate career woman.  I never planned to be living with a roommate at 32, divorced.  According to R, I need to mourn the change of my vision for myself in the future, and then I may be able to move on and dream new things.  It’s not a bad idea.  I suppose that’s why I’m writing on the subject.  Usually, writing helps me process the things I’m working through in my head. 

What was my vision before?  To have a good job, be a amazing wife, be a good mom.  To be a family.  To be fiercely loved by those closest to me.  To feel inspired and happy.

Where am I now? 

I have a good job.  I’m a good mom.  We are a family.  I am fiercely loved by those closest to me.  I AM inspired and happy.   Well I’ll be…. 🙂  Maybe it’s not mourning that should be happening.  Maybe it’s celebrating.  6/7 items on my vision’s list are happening on a daily basis and I have achieved.  Why am I beating myself up then?  I’ve done it.  Ok so the painting doesn’t look QUITE as I’d imagined it 10 years ago.  But when you really look at it, I did get everything I wanted. 

It’s amazing.  It’s inspiring.  It’s refreshing to look at it in a different perspective.  I really beat myself up this weekend.  It was an emotional rollercoaster of a weekend, that I brought on myself.  And now that it’s over…. I can still say I had an amazingly good weekend, I got a lot of things accomplished that I needed to, AND… somehow, I’m starting a new week clearer.  A bit stronger.  Prouder.  A few years ago, a weekend of tears would have left me feeling pretty mad at myself.  Now?  I feel like maybe it was time.  It was needed.  And now, I can move forward again.  It’s unlike me to have such an emotional moment.  I don’t see it becoming a trend, but I’ll embrace this weekend for what it was.  Me getting much needed “stuff” out of my system in order to process it and learn from it.

Much love to you neverland.  Goodnight.  XXO!

rc

Dreams

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nightmare

There are times when I wish I could just turn off the brain.  Especially when I’m sleeping.  Dreams.  Why do we even have them?  Why must I continually be plagued by nightmares and hidden terrors?  Why?  I wake up, typically will sit straight up in bed, in fear.  No, fear isn’t quite right.  Terror is probably a bit closer.  It takes me a minute to realize that my dreams were in fact, just dreams.  That I’m awake and life has returned, somewhat, to normal.  I try and shut out what I’ve just seen or visualized.  Sometimes I wake up and cry.  Sometimes I wake up and am just angry that once again I’ve been robbed of precious sleep.  The very LAST thing that I’ll want to do after I’ve had a nightmare is go back to sleep.  Sometimes I’ll be so tired, that I’ll fall back to sleep.  Sometimes I’ll get lucky and not dream again.  Other times, I’ll find myself in a perpetual loop of falling in and out of the same dream.

Last night was one of those nights.  I think it was probably 6am that I decided I’d had enough.  Got up.  Wandered to find coffee and do a little people watching.  I want to go back to bed.  I want to get a few more hours of sleep, since I’m not on kid duty right now.  I checked into a hotel yesterday.  Decided I needed a day away from everything and everyone.  Its been lovely.  Ordered room service, watched bad TV, snuck downstairs last night at around midnight and watched all the silly drunk people hooting and hollering as they hopped between bars near the hotel.  It was definitely a much needed break.  But here I sit, early in the morning, unable to take advantage of the amazingly comfortable bed they have in this suite, typing to you all.

When will it stop? How do you make your brain realize that it’s not doing anything but torturing you with memories?  What I find interesting, I wake up with one of two words on the brain.  “Stop!” or “Ben!”.  Not hard to figure out what I’ve been dreaming about.  The same thing echoes in my head all morning after a dream, until I’m actually capable of either distracting myself thoroughly or just drowing it out with something else. It’s either the words my father told me after he died, or worse, the words the ex said to me after he passed.

“Why didn’t you save him?”

“Why didn’t you catch the doctor’s mistakes? I thought you were smart!?”

“You murdered our son by NOT catching their mistakes”

“It’s all your fault”

“It’s YOUR genes that caused this”

“How could you do this to our family?”

“You’re a disgrace”

It’s not of course.  I know this.  The rational side of me recognizes that those words were designed to cut me.  Designed to cause tremendous pain because the people who flung them at me were in so much pain and couldn’t take it.  They did what they know to do – lash out and spread that pain to others.  Perhaps in the hopes that the pain would dissipate or lesson for themselves.  I’m betting it didn’t work.  I’m betting that the pain they felt didn’t lesson at all.  Mine certainly didn’t, it magnified.

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I find myself lost in thought today.  Memories.  I try very hard to focus on the good ones.  Live in the moment.  Not in the past.  But it’s early mornings like these, that I get a little lost in remembering.  And it’s not all about Ben either.  My dreams last night, while many of them centered around my little angel of a little man, also gave me flashbacks of the last year or so.  My trips to San Francisco, Australia, Hawaii.  The things I’ve accomplished in the last 12 months.  The things I have yet to accomplish that I’ve put off.  The things that have yet to come.  I hope that over the course of time, the pain of some of my memories lessons even more.  Hell – I hope that overtime, I can stop having nightmares, and start having more happy dreams.  Or just no dreams!  Do they have a treatment for that?  Is there some kind of magic pill a doctor can give you that will ensure that you will have no dreams?  Although I think maybe that’d be cheating.  I think you dream these things because internally you’re working through something.  And it surfaces in your dreams where you can’t hide, but you also really can’t be hurt by it.  So maybe, in the long run, it’s better for me to have them.  To remember.  To feel.  It’s better than numbing yourself, or sticking your head in the sand.

Perhaps in another life, I’ll be an ostrich.