I have problems with nightmares.  I’ve always had incredibly vivid dreams, even when I was just a child.  Because of this, I’ve also always been plagued with a lot of nightmares.  I swear, every insecurity, every fear I have… surface in my dreams on a regular basis.  I’ve always hated it.  I always dream I’m going to lose the ones I love.  My children, my family, my spouse, my friends…. this is the common theme to my dreams.  I can’t recall the countless number of nights where I’ve woken up absolutely terrified that what I dreamed was reality.  Sometimes, I’d have to check on my children and make sure that they were still sound asleep in their beds.

It’s been two nights in a row now that my nightmares have caused me to wake the house.  I feel bad when this happens.  I also feel bad because for the past two nights in a row, my nightmares have centered around an obnoxious main topic.

In my dreams, everyone I love and care about leave me.  They decide that I’m not good enough, and walk away.  In my dreams, I’m left … cold, forgotten, unloved, scared and broken.  Now, logically… I know that it’s just a dream.  I know, because I awake and I’m safe.

BUT…

The non-logical side of me; the side that reveals herself in dreams…. will taunt me with these illogical fears.  I hate it.  I hate how it takes me a while – sometimes even a day or two, to settle down and relax again.   Not to mention – I’m then leery to go back to sleep and end up a little on the tired and cranky side the days following.

I suppose, if I were to look on the bright side… life has become something I cherish…. the people, my friends and family, my job, even my pets.  The idea of losing all that I’ve built in the last few years… shakes me to my core.  I have everything I could possibly need right now.. well – maybe not EVERYTHING… but I’m damn happy.  Someday I’ll find a relationship that equals what I need it to be… but for now, you see.. when I’m awake… that’s now become the dream.  A fantasy come true.

Happy Wednesday Neverland.  The week is half over.  Now if only I could just go take a nap.