Tag: broken

Memories

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I was watching a movie tonight.  And a scene inspired my brain to run a million miles a minute.  I had to go look up the line from the script so that I could share it with you all.

I tell you, I just….
I just wish I could have a piece of her that I could keep safe, you know?

Just something.

Something more than a bunch of memories.

Memories.  It’s interesting to me how broken we get when something that we thought was our entire world… gets reduced to memories.  A lost love, a death, or even a rejection of some sort… when we feel that something has been stolen from us, even when that something was only a dream… it evokes a strange pain.  A loss that we have to grieve and accept in order to move forward.  And then things change and shift and all that is left are the memories of it.  It’s almost like we have to grieve the dream of what was.

memories

Almost makes one reconsider what the worth of a memory REALLY is?

If memories are all we have to take with us, if they are all we get to cling to on those lonely nights when it’s just us alone with our thoughts… then why do we put so little value on them?  Why do we get so caught up in all the strange bullshit that we do, when we should really be trying to savor every single delicious moment that we have – because in the end, it will only be a memory.

This evening I was reminded… oddly by a movie that I haven’t seen in a long time… that sometimes, you just have to let life flow.  There are things that happen that are out of your control- and that if I just hold on to the memories from my past, and relax and keep creating new memories… that somehow, it’ll all work out in the end.

Goodnight Neverland.  Much love to you this evening.

XXO!

lipstick kiss

Depression and Co-Dependency

Jen4 Comments

Depression

Ok.  I will admit it.  Depression has hit me this week.  Fairly hard.  I’m feeling a bit withdrawn and a bit quiet.  I found a new counselor.  My first appointment will happen tomorrow.  I’m looking forward to it, as I have a list of things I want to talk about.

Co-dependency.  I want to talk about that.  I think, looking back at my relationships, both with the ex and with my family – I have a history of being in these types of relationships.  I want to understand how to break the cycle.  First I have to understand it, then once I can identify it and understand it, then I can work to change it; to stop it.

I refuse to sit and do nothing on this.  I refuse to allow the same patterns to re-occur in my life.  History repeats itself – well NOT anymore!  When I look up the “symptoms” of being a codependent person – I fit them to a T.

Low self esteem, people pleasing, Lack of boundaries, Care-taking, dysfunctional communication, Denial, problems with intimacy… yup!  I won’t lie, coming to realize that today was quite a shock.

I cannot fix problems that are not mine to fix.  I cannot change someone.  I can only change myself, and the worry, and head space that I give to trying to fix things really is only making the problem worse.

I’m nervous.  I’m finally getting really honest with myself.  I’ve been happier in the last 2 years than I have been in 12 years…. BUT… That alone cannot be the indicator that I use on whether or not I’m healthy.  I find myself slipping into the care-taking/people pleasing habits a bit more and more lately and it is, quite frankly, a slippery slope.  If I’m not careful, I will only end up in the same perpetual loop I’ve been in for most of my life.  I will not be that person again.  I just can’t.

Sleeping with nightmares, living with dreams…

Jen1 Comment

throwaway

I have problems with nightmares.  I’ve always had incredibly vivid dreams, even when I was just a child.  Because of this, I’ve also always been plagued with a lot of nightmares.  I swear, every insecurity, every fear I have… surface in my dreams on a regular basis.  I’ve always hated it.  I always dream I’m going to lose the ones I love.  My children, my family, my spouse, my friends…. this is the common theme to my dreams.  I can’t recall the countless number of nights where I’ve woken up absolutely terrified that what I dreamed was reality.  Sometimes, I’d have to check on my children and make sure that they were still sound asleep in their beds.

It’s been two nights in a row now that my nightmares have caused me to wake the house.  I feel bad when this happens.  I also feel bad because for the past two nights in a row, my nightmares have centered around an obnoxious main topic.

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In my dreams, everyone I love and care about leave me.  They decide that I’m not good enough, and walk away.  In my dreams, I’m left … cold, forgotten, unloved, scared and broken.  Now, logically… I know that it’s just a dream.  I know, because I awake and I’m safe.

BUT…

The non-logical side of me; the side that reveals herself in dreams…. will taunt me with these illogical fears.  I hate it.  I hate how it takes me a while – sometimes even a day or two, to settle down and relax again.   Not to mention – I’m then leery to go back to sleep and end up a little on the tired and cranky side the days following.

I suppose, if I were to look on the bright side… life has become something I cherish…. the people, my friends and family, my job, even my pets.  The idea of losing all that I’ve built in the last few years… shakes me to my core.  I have everything I could possibly need right now.. well – maybe not EVERYTHING… but I’m damn happy.  Someday I’ll find a relationship that equals what I need it to be… but for now, you see.. when I’m awake… that’s now become the dream.  A fantasy come true.

Happy Wednesday Neverland.  The week is half over.  Now if only I could just go take a nap.

Anger, Vulnerability, Communication and Hope… all in one post.

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I was listening to some music tonight.  Was a great evening actually.  Love songs have new meaning when your heart is light and happy.  I was enjoying dreaming and being sappy and a song came on that I haven’t heard in a very long time.  It immediately made me think of my ex… for so many reasons… and not in a lovey sense either.

Here we are.
What is left of a husband and a wife four good kids
Who have a way of gettin on with their lives
I’m not old but I’m getting a whole lot older every day
It’s too late to keep from goin’ crazy
I got to get away

The reasons that I can’t stay don’t have a thing to do with being in love
And I understand that lovin a man shouldn’t have to be this rough
You ain’t the only one Who feels like this world left you far behind
I don’t know why you gotta be Angry All The Time

Our boys are strong the spittin image of you when you were young
I hope someday they can see past what you have become
I remember every time I said I’d never leave
What I can’t live with is memories of the way you used to be

The reasons that I can’t stay don’t have a thing to do with being in love
And I understand that lovin a man shouldn’t have to be this rough
You ain’t the only one Who feels like this world left you far behind
I don’t know why you gotta be Angry All The Time

Twenty years have came and went since I walked out of your door
I never quite made it back to the one I was before
And God it hurts me to think of you
For the light in your eyes was gone sometimes
I don’t know why this old world can’t leave well enough alone

angry

It made me cry.  It made me wonder if in 20 years, will I make it “back” to the one I was before?  Would I even want to?  This song, really sums up the end of my marriage.  We were both pretty broken.  From Ben, from life, stress, work, finances, kids… combine that with alcoholism on his end, and work-aholism on mine.  It was hell to walk away from someone who I once viewed as my best friend.  And it took some time to heal from that.  To be fair, I’m still healing.  11 years is a long time to be with someone, it’ll be some time still I’m sure.

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The last two have been, inspiring, healing, eye opening, shocking, scary, and a hell of a lot of fun.  I think I’m finally starting to learn and understand who I am, as just me.  I don’t yet know or understand all of me yet.  Or maybe I do, I just don’t fully trust myself about it yet.

Everything changes.  If I could turn back the years, I wouldn’t.  But I’d have never imagined where I am, as where I’d be.  Life is sure full of strange twists and turns.  Sometimes I look back and have to question… did all of that really happen?

vulnerability

It’s scary opening yourself up to someone new.  Very scary.  Especially when someone comes into your life that lights you up.  That makes you feel alive, and safe and strong.  I find myself tripping and falling on my face quite often when it comes to matters of the heart.  I trip myself up with my own stupid insecurities.  Mainly because of things that come from my past.  What sucks is that I realize all of this, and yet, can’t seem to stop it.  I don’t want my past to control my future.  I’m learning that I don’t like feeling vulnerable.  Which I think is kind of funny because facing vulnerability was why I started this blog.

I am so scared to be hurt.  Scared that because I have withstood so much.  And I haven’t ever really broken down from it.  I have moments here and there… but nothing like what I have seen with my family and because of that, I’m scared that at some point, another heartache, or heartbreak would land me in their shoes.  A place I desperately do not ever want to be.

So far, my solution to this has been to speak up about it, when I’ve got something weighing on my mind, which is difficult for me.  With my ex, I would stay silent.  I never spoke up.  There was never any point, it wouldn’t be heard. I know communication is the key to the very best, most successful relationships.  Speaking up has, at least I think, been working pretty well so far these days.  You’d think you’d get better at these things.  lol.

Ok – this may sound strange… but I think there was a shift.. in the way that I think about my world and life. After ben died… my world stopped.  I know people use that phrase all the time so it’s hard to really describe the gravity of what I really mean.  But I mean it literally stopped.  I felt like I couldn’t even remember how to breathe.  I walked around in a total daze for I don’t know how long.  Cars whizzing by, people getting their coffees and going about their day.  My brain could not compute.  And suddenly it clicked.  I am simply a cog.  A cog in a machine that was built to run in a way that if a cog stopped, the rest would continue and the machine would never stop.  I used to believe that one little person could matter.  That one person could make a difference large enough to change the world.  But from that moment in time, my opinion began to change.  Perhaps it was reality smacking me in the face.

realitycheck

If you want something… you gotta work for it.  No one is going to hand you anything.  You can work and work and work and still fall flat on your face.  IF it happens, you get back up and you plod along.  What will be, will be.  But if you want happiness… you create it.  If you want love… you give it.

I don’t know what is in store for me in the future… but I do now this.   I’m happier than I’ve been in a very very long time.  Life has it’s stresses, but I deal with them fairly well.  I’m learning to trust.  Myself, and the ones I love.  I won’t give up, and this time…this life is mine.  No one else will care about it all but me in the end.  The next chapter of my years… are bound to be the best I ever had.  And I can’t wait.

Goodnight Neverland.  Thanks for reading my ramble.  Here’s to a new week.

lipstick kiss

Broken

JenLeave a comment

broken

There are times, when I worry that I am seriously screwed up.

My self esteem took a pretty massive blow – for 11 years.

When, if ever, will it be done?  Will there ever be a time, when I see an odd or negative expression cross someone’s face and I don’t immediately worry or wonder at what I did wrong?   Will there finally come a time when I feel comfortable in my own skin?

I’m sure there are a lot of women out there who don’t feel comfortable naked.  I am one of them.  Even when it’s just me, home alone, I don’t feel comfortable.  I suppose when you spend 11 years with someone who doesn’t want to touch you – it really hits close to home.  I look at myself and see every flaw, every damaged part.  It’s rare that I look in the mirror and see someone beautiful staring back.  It’s easier with clothes.

I have a serious problem with sex.  It’s not that I don’t want it.  Cuz, THAT certainly isn’t my problem.  My problem is that I always seem to choose inopportune times to want it.  I don’t know if that’s even it.  Hell – I don’t really know WHAT my problem is anymore.

I know that because I’m sick (stupid Christmas colds), I’m struggling to contain my emotions a bit.  It happens when I get sick.  I cry a bit more freely.  I hate it.  I’m sure the people around me hate it too.

I had a lovely day today.  Overall, this has been a fantastic Christmas.  My kids and family and loved ones have all been thoroughly spoiled.  That makes me so happy.  But tonight, as the cold decided to make me a bit more on the miserable side than I’d  like, I got emotional.  I got insecure and scared.  Tonight – I showed myself how broken I really am.  Sure, I put on a good front.  I’ve done a lot of work on myself in the last few years and I recognize the growth and change that has come about – but tonight – I realize just how broken I still am.  I hate it.  It’s nights like these when I seriously loathe myself.  When I believe what others have said in my past when they were trying to break me down.  Not only do I believe it, but I think everyone thinks it – when that’s not necessarily true.

I need to get control of myself.  As my mom would say, I need to snap out of it and remember just how happy I’ve been as of late.  It’s perfectly ok to fall apart sometimes, and I’ll give myself a pass, seeing that I’m sick and all – but I also need to recognize that it is no longer acceptable for me to beat myself up.  To question EVERYTHING the way I do.  Stop overthinking all the time.  Allow myself to just be content dang it all.

Goodnight neverland.  Merry Christmas.