There are times, when I worry that I am seriously screwed up.
My self esteem took a pretty massive blow – for 11 years.
When, if ever, will it be done? Will there ever be a time, when I see an odd or negative expression cross someone’s face and I don’t immediately worry or wonder at what I did wrong? Will there finally come a time when I feel comfortable in my own skin?
I’m sure there are a lot of women out there who don’t feel comfortable naked. I am one of them. Even when it’s just me, home alone, I don’t feel comfortable. I suppose when you spend 11 years with someone who doesn’t want to touch you – it really hits close to home. I look at myself and see every flaw, every damaged part. It’s rare that I look in the mirror and see someone beautiful staring back. It’s easier with clothes.
I have a serious problem with sex. It’s not that I don’t want it. Cuz, THAT certainly isn’t my problem. My problem is that I always seem to choose inopportune times to want it. I don’t know if that’s even it. Hell – I don’t really know WHAT my problem is anymore.
I know that because I’m sick (stupid Christmas colds), I’m struggling to contain my emotions a bit. It happens when I get sick. I cry a bit more freely. I hate it. I’m sure the people around me hate it too.
I had a lovely day today. Overall, this has been a fantastic Christmas. My kids and family and loved ones have all been thoroughly spoiled. That makes me so happy. But tonight, as the cold decided to make me a bit more on the miserable side than I’d like, I got emotional. I got insecure and scared. Tonight – I showed myself how broken I really am. Sure, I put on a good front. I’ve done a lot of work on myself in the last few years and I recognize the growth and change that has come about – but tonight – I realize just how broken I still am. I hate it. It’s nights like these when I seriously loathe myself. When I believe what others have said in my past when they were trying to break me down. Not only do I believe it, but I think everyone thinks it – when that’s not necessarily true.
I need to get control of myself. As my mom would say, I need to snap out of it and remember just how happy I’ve been as of late. It’s perfectly ok to fall apart sometimes, and I’ll give myself a pass, seeing that I’m sick and all – but I also need to recognize that it is no longer acceptable for me to beat myself up. To question EVERYTHING the way I do. Stop overthinking all the time. Allow myself to just be content dang it all.
Goodnight neverland. Merry Christmas.