I am enough, all on my own

Most of my life, I have been striving to “be enough”.  Whether it be to measure up to the expectations my parents or grandparents had of me, measuring up with friends in school, pushing myself to “be enough” for my career, my kids, and of course, with my significant others.

But here’s the thing… very rarely, did I ever feel like I actually accomplished that goal.  Very rarely in my past relationships, did I feel like I came first, or was a top priority.  With the ex, alcohol always ranked higher than I did.  And truthfully, I can take some of the blame for this one… because I allowed it.

Far too often in my life, I have allowed myself to be too nice.  To be a doormat for others needs or feelings.  I have put myself in that position time after time.  Today, it dawned on me that moving forward, I cannot allow myself to accept that any more.  I don’t want to be someone’s back up.  I don’t want to be a second choice.  I’m worth more than that and I deserve more than that and it’s about time I start remembering that.  I have such high expectations for myself, and yet often, I won’t hold those same expectations of others.

Well no more.  If I look at what I ask from significant others, it’s NOT like I’m asking for too much.  I don’t need someone to support me financially.  I’m not the clingy, overly emotional type.  I actually typically don’t fall into many of those stereotypical negative girl traits.  And I’m glad.  Because I’m me.  And damn it, that’s enough.

As far as updates go – I’m mostly packed.  I think total we’re at about 90% of the way packed up and ready to go.  I’ve got to stop at the bank on the way home to get the cashier’s check for the down payment, because in the morning, I go and pay the money and sign the paperwork.  The movers will be at the old house on Friday morning.  I took the day off and I’m very happy for it.

This weekend I bought a couch, 2 chairs and a coffee table for the new place.  I also paid off the remaining balance on my new fridge and set up delivery.  Comcast will be set up and installed on Friday morning as well.  I can’t believe it, it’s all finally happening!  It feels amazing.  I’ve never been more proud of myself.  Life is really only just beginning to get good… and if I have anything to say about it, it’s only going to keep getting better.  I have the drive, the determination and the ability to go after my goals and dreams.  Everything I’ve ever wanted, is right in front of me.  🙂  I just have to have the courage to reach out and take it.

Here I go… wish me luck.  🙂

lipstick kiss

Broken

broken

There are times, when I worry that I am seriously screwed up.

My self esteem took a pretty massive blow – for 11 years.

When, if ever, will it be done?  Will there ever be a time, when I see an odd or negative expression cross someone’s face and I don’t immediately worry or wonder at what I did wrong?   Will there finally come a time when I feel comfortable in my own skin?

I’m sure there are a lot of women out there who don’t feel comfortable naked.  I am one of them.  Even when it’s just me, home alone, I don’t feel comfortable.  I suppose when you spend 11 years with someone who doesn’t want to touch you – it really hits close to home.  I look at myself and see every flaw, every damaged part.  It’s rare that I look in the mirror and see someone beautiful staring back.  It’s easier with clothes.

I have a serious problem with sex.  It’s not that I don’t want it.  Cuz, THAT certainly isn’t my problem.  My problem is that I always seem to choose inopportune times to want it.  I don’t know if that’s even it.  Hell – I don’t really know WHAT my problem is anymore.

I know that because I’m sick (stupid Christmas colds), I’m struggling to contain my emotions a bit.  It happens when I get sick.  I cry a bit more freely.  I hate it.  I’m sure the people around me hate it too.

I had a lovely day today.  Overall, this has been a fantastic Christmas.  My kids and family and loved ones have all been thoroughly spoiled.  That makes me so happy.  But tonight, as the cold decided to make me a bit more on the miserable side than I’d  like, I got emotional.  I got insecure and scared.  Tonight – I showed myself how broken I really am.  Sure, I put on a good front.  I’ve done a lot of work on myself in the last few years and I recognize the growth and change that has come about – but tonight – I realize just how broken I still am.  I hate it.  It’s nights like these when I seriously loathe myself.  When I believe what others have said in my past when they were trying to break me down.  Not only do I believe it, but I think everyone thinks it – when that’s not necessarily true.

I need to get control of myself.  As my mom would say, I need to snap out of it and remember just how happy I’ve been as of late.  It’s perfectly ok to fall apart sometimes, and I’ll give myself a pass, seeing that I’m sick and all – but I also need to recognize that it is no longer acceptable for me to beat myself up.  To question EVERYTHING the way I do.  Stop overthinking all the time.  Allow myself to just be content dang it all.

Goodnight neverland.  Merry Christmas.

The changes in me

It dawned on me today, how much I’ve changed. Emotionally, financially, and physically in the last few years. Thought I’d take a moment and document it out a little. Best way is thru pictures.

2012

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2013

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Now

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I feel like I’ve finally begun to blossom. I hated my life, myself, my looks… and now, I’ve lost a lot of weight, I’m healthier, and sooo much happier!  It’s truly amazing to look back. Can’t wait to see what the future holds!!

Goodnight neverland. XXO.

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A Pact For Patience

I feel like writing, but don’t want to go get my machine; my blankets have accepted me as one of their own. I’d hate to lose their trust, so please excuse any typos as this is from my phone.

I’ve come to an interesting realization tonight. Overall, if I look at the path I am on, its trajectory…I’m happy with what I see and the goals I’d like to accomplish (financial, career, land/house ownership, family, love). Do I falter sometimes? Oh my god yes. But even factoring in things like procrastination, a random illness or health problem, drama from outsiders…or worse family, friends and roomies, holidays, and schedules, and all of life’s interruptions from routine…I am happy with where I am going. I recognize that the pace with which I get there will ebb and flow. Sometimes progress will move at a snail’s pace, and other times, it will fly fast. 

Patience.  I must hold on to it with patience. Such an interesting statement coming from an aries like me.  When did I suddenly become a patient person?  If I look back, I always admired those who had it, but couldn’t quite find it myself.  And now?  I use it every day. With my children, especially the three year old who’s in a “testing” phase. With society, rude people or bad drivers etc. With coworkers and clients – oh how they can push me on my patience. With loved ones – hey, we all have bad days. I’d be willing to bet that there isn’t a single relationship of any type or form where patience wasn’t employed at some point in time.  I seem to have plenty of it to go around.  In fact, there’s really only one person I continue to lose my patience. One person who I don’t always have patence with.

Myself.

If I were someone else, giving me advice or perspective from an outsider, I’d say “Hey! You’re kicking ass! You’ve been happy! You’re not all the way there yet but look at the progress! Keep going!”

But I look at myself and think, maybe this, or what if that. The self doubt creeps in. And then suddenly, I’ve torn down a lot of that progress I’d worked so hard to make within myself. It’s a trap. The wrong kind of rabbit hole to fall down.  And I don’t know about you, but I’d rather make sure to fall down the good rabbit holes…new hobbies, adventures, businesses or projects.

In honor of all who wage war on themselves… I propose a pact. Together, we support one another to learn to have patience…with ourselves. To learn to embrace and work towards what lies ahead. Together. Who’s with me? 🙂

Goodnight neverland. XXO.