I’ve been itching to get online and type for a few days now. Sometimes, you just need to write and find some sense of release from the swirl inside your head. So many topics to potentially write about. So, per my usual, I may skip around a bit and talk about a little of each of those swirling topics.
Self Esteem. It’s interesting to me that the world is focused on whether you have it, or you don’t. Apparently it’s a mystical black and white kind of hero achievement that is unlocked somewhere along the journey of life. But the truth of it is… it’s a bit more like an ocean of grey. It ebbs and it flows. I have good days and then I have days where I question myself and everyone around me. Of course, this is all happening only inside my head. But still.
Intuition. One person’s intuition could lead them down the exact opposite path as someone else’s. So then, what is it? According to the dictionary, it’s an inherent knowledge of something without having read it or learned it purposefully. So it’s a knowledge from deep within. But that doesn’t mean it’s always accurate. I wonder if the notion of a red flag in someone points back to this? Or any flag for that matter? Something that triggers an intuition in a potential mate. Yes – i’m weird that my brain landed here. It’s ok… I promise. See – this came up because I’ve been struggling with something that hasn’t been sitting right with me about someone. I can’t quite put my finger on it, which is making it worse. So I’m trying to figure out the why’s.
Weight loss. I slog on in my journey. I’m weary from this adventure… but I have finally pushed through my plateau. I’m determined to continue to make progress.
In 2013, I weighed over 400 pounds. OMG. I’ve typed and deleted that a few times. Do I really dare to share this?! But yes. It’s true. I still have easily another 50 to go for me to hit my target. I feel good… I’m hopeful. But in all truth… tonight… I’d kill for piece of pie. We don’t do thanksgiving. I love our family traditions that we do instead – however… and quite simply.
I. Miss. Pie.
And not apple pie – ew. No. A custard pie, or a pumpkin pie… or even a pecan or berry pie. Peach is always lovely too! LOL. Pie. With a flaky, golden, buttery crust. Sigh. But yay for weight loss!!
Dating. I’ve dipped my toe in a couple of times in the past two years, and I’m not convinced it’s for me. Add to the fact that I have a pretty full life… how do you add to that? How do you make room for the potential of someone else when you have no idea who that someone else could possibly be? I have friends encouraging me to date, and for the most part… it’s been a pleasant experience. But I’ve also learned that I must be a bit of an oddball in the world. Or at the very least, in the circles I’ve crossed. I’m not looking for casual sex or friends with benefits. That simply does not do it for me. I want the close companionship just as much as I want all the fun sexy time! So because of that, I don’t immediately jump into the sack with someone. Apparently it’s viewed as old fashioned. I’ll hold off until it’s right -which could be date 8 and could be never… and men – who at first say they support that, in the long run are surprised to find out that you actually mean it. Sex should be magical! The power that each person has over the other… to make a breath catch, or to cause goose bumps. To create an explosion of delight in someone else – that is a magical thing. It makes me sad when I hear how some people have lost (or have never had) the ability to revel in it… but I can’t do that with a stranger. Someone I don’t respect or care about.
That sounds too scary for me. I’ll pass.
I want to feel like I am someone’s. Completely. Sometimes, I want to feel possessed or owned. I want to know that someone revels in every inch of me. Not in a bad or abusive fashion… but in a I’m going to cherish you in a way that no one ever has. That they know my body and know what to do to make me melt. Is that weird? Maybe it’s the inner submissive in me? I suppose because in my head… that’s how I feel about the person I’m with. Their body, is almost an extension of mine. I better know how to give them chills, how to cause pleasure and ecstasy with a few single strokes or kisses or touches. In theory, as a significant other, isn’t that my job? Curious to some of your thoughts…
