Tag: control

Broken

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broken

There are times, when I worry that I am seriously screwed up.

My self esteem took a pretty massive blow – for 11 years.

When, if ever, will it be done?  Will there ever be a time, when I see an odd or negative expression cross someone’s face and I don’t immediately worry or wonder at what I did wrong?   Will there finally come a time when I feel comfortable in my own skin?

I’m sure there are a lot of women out there who don’t feel comfortable naked.  I am one of them.  Even when it’s just me, home alone, I don’t feel comfortable.  I suppose when you spend 11 years with someone who doesn’t want to touch you – it really hits close to home.  I look at myself and see every flaw, every damaged part.  It’s rare that I look in the mirror and see someone beautiful staring back.  It’s easier with clothes.

I have a serious problem with sex.  It’s not that I don’t want it.  Cuz, THAT certainly isn’t my problem.  My problem is that I always seem to choose inopportune times to want it.  I don’t know if that’s even it.  Hell – I don’t really know WHAT my problem is anymore.

I know that because I’m sick (stupid Christmas colds), I’m struggling to contain my emotions a bit.  It happens when I get sick.  I cry a bit more freely.  I hate it.  I’m sure the people around me hate it too.

I had a lovely day today.  Overall, this has been a fantastic Christmas.  My kids and family and loved ones have all been thoroughly spoiled.  That makes me so happy.  But tonight, as the cold decided to make me a bit more on the miserable side than I’d  like, I got emotional.  I got insecure and scared.  Tonight – I showed myself how broken I really am.  Sure, I put on a good front.  I’ve done a lot of work on myself in the last few years and I recognize the growth and change that has come about – but tonight – I realize just how broken I still am.  I hate it.  It’s nights like these when I seriously loathe myself.  When I believe what others have said in my past when they were trying to break me down.  Not only do I believe it, but I think everyone thinks it – when that’s not necessarily true.

I need to get control of myself.  As my mom would say, I need to snap out of it and remember just how happy I’ve been as of late.  It’s perfectly ok to fall apart sometimes, and I’ll give myself a pass, seeing that I’m sick and all – but I also need to recognize that it is no longer acceptable for me to beat myself up.  To question EVERYTHING the way I do.  Stop overthinking all the time.  Allow myself to just be content dang it all.

Goodnight neverland.  Merry Christmas.

It’s not procrastination, it’s the perspective.

Jen1 Comment

procrastinate

I am a Procrastinator.  It’s a word I’d use to describe myself often.  I am a slave to my calendar and schedule.  And I’ll admit that it has helped me move forward in leaps and bounds when it comes to some aspects of my life.  I was being hard on myself earlier…thinking about the weekend and how little I felt I’d accomplished off my “To-Do” list in my head.  But then I started to think about what I DID do this weekend.  Maybe I’ve been looking at it in the wrong perspective. 

1.  Finished most of the house and my personal laundry washed, folded and put away. 
2.  Prepped all of the mini-me’s school registration paperwork and things she’d need for sign up.
3. Went for a walk with my 3 year old son
4. Finished the last episodes from a great show series and then managed to even watch the movie that followed.
5. Went and had an amazing pancake breakfast this morning. My son enjoyed the blueberry pancakes and bacon and grapes from my plate.  🙂  Was nice that he behaved well in the restaurant today.
6. Enjoyed a snuggly sunday morning.
7. Enjoyed bath time with the son twice – although I swear he gets me wetter than him sometimes. 🙂
8. I baked cookies, and tried out a funky chipotle ancho chili chicken recipe
9. I mopped and swept the kitchen floor and downstairs hall areas
10. I sorted through a couple of bags and boxes in my office
11.  I read a couple of books to the little man, played tons of dinosaurs and cars and merrily chased each other through the house on multiple occasions throughout the weekend.
12.  I wrote in my blog and got a little more done on the piece of art I’m working on.
13. I booked the flights for my vacation in November.  Can I just say, sooo excited for this.  I can’t believe it.  I don’t know how I’ve pulled it off, but it really looks like I’m going to get a good vacation.  To turn a negative time of year into such an incredible positive.  To get to unwind and get away from all the pressures of work and kids for a week.  BLISS!!
14.  Got all my grocery shopping for the next couple of weeks completed.
15.  Helped the mini-me look at planning her cosplay outfit.
16. Had a long chat with the bro.

When I really start to list out all that I did do this weekend.  Yea, ok, so I didn’t get to run the vacuum a I’d planned.  And I didn’t get to the oil change I need to do.  I had high expectations of myself, but what I did have was just as valuable.  I had some wonderful experiences with my family and loved ones. Perhaps it’s time to admit that sometimes, we get so focused on the doing, that we forget to look at the living.  I have to remind myself that yes, I’ve got to work on all those things on my to-do list, but at the same time, I also need to work on me.  And the only way to work on me, is to find the time to do the things that make me and those I love happy.

I look at that list and suddenly don’t feel like a procrastinator anymore.

192

A sleepy ramble…

Jen3 Comments

dreams

Morning everyone.  I’m tired today.  Woke up with lingering images still in my head.  Remnants of a dream world that I didn’t want to leave.  Most of the time, my dreams are nightmares, the kind that leave you shaken and paranoid to fall back asleep.  But every so often, I’ll have a good night where my dreams are filled with hope and love and safety and .. in the case of last night – the most incredible, hottest sex ever.  🙂  Hence my not wanting to awake and join the real world.  It’s rare that I get lost in such a positive dream world.

I have made an interesting discovery.  Normally – this time of year is the worst for me.  Having lost Ben at Thanksgiving, this time of year is usually filled with both christmas cheer and a sadness that he’s not here to enjoy it with me and the kids.  I do my best tho, to make the holiday be magical for my children, and hide from them my general state of melancholy.  This year, at least so far, has been different.  I still think of Ben every day.  I touch a picture I have of him on my desk at work and say good morning to him every day.  But this year, I’m not sad.  Ok maybe a little, but it’s different this year.  I think he’d be proud of me…despite the fact that I didn’t stay with his father.
Because of some really good friends, my thanksgiving was filled with joy and hope and not my usual sadness.  I don’t think I’ve ever been so grateful for a friend and I can honestly say, it’s been a very long time since I’ve had this kind of hope but I have a shit ton of baggage.  I’m this strange combination of confidence and insecurity.  I don’t know that I’d say I’m broken – but in a lot of ways that’s probably an accurate description.  My previous life left a path of damage not unlike what’s left behind a tornado’s path.  I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing.  And coming from me, that’s quite a statement.  I’m so scared to mess it up, to scare people away.  I’m scared that all my instincts are off.  I’m scared that people won’t see me.  And I mean, really SEE me.  I’ve done a lot of self discovery in the last year. I like who I am…even if I am still a little messed up.

Things I’ve discovered about myself that I didn’t know…as sad as some if it might be:

  1. My inner strength and how strong I am
  2. I am a DAMN good mom. 🙂 My kids are happy.  I mean down and out sincerely happy.
  3. I am a sexual creature – who knew!?  Amazing what happens when you’re no longer with someone who has no sex drive or appreciation for a woman who wants to please her man.
  4. Not only am I sexual – but I’m damn sexy! You know how I know?  I had some boudoir photography done.  For someone as insecure as I am, this is HUGE.  And I can honestly say it was one of the BEST experiences I’ve ever had.  I needed to prove to myself after leaving my ex that I was sexy, and sultry and not an unwanted troll.  HOLY COW can we say mission accomplished?    I will also be the advocate for ANY and ALL women to do this for themselves.  Doesn’t matter your age or weight – DO IT.

    I thought long and hard about whether I wanted to share any of them… as personally – this is something I would normally keep private.  But I wanted to prove that I did indeed do this.  So here is one of the safer ones I will share.
  5. I don’t always want to be in control.  In fact, there are a lot of times when I don’t want to be in control at all. Being a parent and a leader at work means I’m the boss – a lot.  I don’t want to be the boss at home.  I think this is why the idea of finding a real MAN appeals to me so much.
  6. Communication and blunt honesty is SO much better than stuffing it down and being polite.  Yea, you might upset a few people every now and then, but in the long run, honest communication trumps all.
  7. I am smart.  I made a goal for myself a year ago that I wanted to have 30 patents (with my name as an inventor) by the time I hit 40.  I’m WELL on my way…with 5 now officially under my belt. 🙂

Hmm this list could get a lot longer – but we’ll leave it there for the time being.  Happy Tuesday everyone!