A Quick Unwind Before Bed

It is 8 o’clock and I’m going to fall asleep here very soon.  I woke up at 5am, left my house at 6am and still didn’t get to work until 8:10am; and it took 2 hours to get home after a full day. It’s weird, I don’t want to go to sleep yet because I feel like I just got home and there’s still some things I’d like to get done, but I can barely keep my eyelids open, so writing in here was my compromise to myself.

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It’s Ben’s birthday tomorrow.  And I’m not sad or feeling anything heavy about it this year.  For a brief moment, I had a twinge of guilt writing that… but it’s ok to move past that heavy, sad stage of grief.  At least that’s what I’m telling myself.  I’d think it’s actually quite healthy.  It HAS been 7 years.  I think about him daily.  Just a brief thought here and there.  I still talk to him often… and when things in life suddenly go my way, I often say “Thank you Ben!” as if some how he had a hand in it.

Today was day 2 of the new job, and so far, I’m absolutely thrilled to be where I am.  The people seem passionate and enthusiastic about the company and our product and services.  I’m already knee deep in research, with pages and pages of hand-written notes and questions and things to look up or research.  My first couple weeks on a job can be pretty intense.  I try and dive in to understand as much as I can as quickly as I possibly can so that I can start to be put to better use.  It’s a lot of fun for me, but also quite draining.  By mid afternoon – my brain decides it’s done and becomes more like mush than anything workable.  Hehe.

This weekend I’m going to either attempt to make some homemade lotions, or I’m going to continue to practice at candle making.  My last big batch turned out AWESOME!  Now I really need to start playing with scents.  Figure out the balance of scent to wax that I prefer.  I’m enjoying using essential oils.  It’s really been a fun hobby to play around with, and my friends will benefit come christmas time, because I’ll certainly be including them with their gifts!  🙂   These are some shots I took from my last 5 batches. 🙂

 

Well – I need sleep, sorry that this is a bit short tonight.  Goodnight neverland!  Dream sweet!

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Free to roam

In the past month or so, I’ve been attempting something a bit unusual for me.  At night, instead of wearing my pajamas or nightgowns, I’ve been doing the sports bra and undies thing.  For one, it’s hot.  But more than that, it’s my attempt at learning to become more comfortable and confident in my own body.

Now some of you may be thinking … “what’s the big deal?”

Let me try and explain.  I have never lived alone before.  There was always someone else in the home.. be it a family member, a significant other, a roommate and if not one of those, most definitely a child or two. Privacy is just something I don’t get a lot of, so the idea of wandering my house naked isn’t really a fantasy that I have.  And lastly – I’ve just never been that comfortable in my own skin.  I’ve never been the girl to feel confident living in my own body.  I hate my post-babies tummy… and the idea of baring it, even to myself just isn’t something that I’ve EVER been comfortable with.

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I’ve been tossing and turning.  I can’t sleep.  I hurt too much.  Apparently I have a cracked rib and the discomfort is keeping me from getting much sleep.  I got up and wandered to the kitchen for something to drink and for the first time in my life, I didn’t put on a robe.  I just wandered out there, grabbed the tea and swigged a big gulp straight from the jug.  And as I walked back into my room, I caught a glimpse of myself… and smiled.  I’m looking good!

I may not be at a point where I’d feel comfortable with the world seeing me like that, I’m content enough knowing that I like what I see in the  mirror these days.  That girl staring back at me … she’s a pretty cool chick.  🙂

Damn…. life is good – even if I AM awake at 3:30 in the morning.

Good night Neverland.  Sleep well.

Sleeping with nightmares, living with dreams…

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I have problems with nightmares.  I’ve always had incredibly vivid dreams, even when I was just a child.  Because of this, I’ve also always been plagued with a lot of nightmares.  I swear, every insecurity, every fear I have… surface in my dreams on a regular basis.  I’ve always hated it.  I always dream I’m going to lose the ones I love.  My children, my family, my spouse, my friends…. this is the common theme to my dreams.  I can’t recall the countless number of nights where I’ve woken up absolutely terrified that what I dreamed was reality.  Sometimes, I’d have to check on my children and make sure that they were still sound asleep in their beds.

It’s been two nights in a row now that my nightmares have caused me to wake the house.  I feel bad when this happens.  I also feel bad because for the past two nights in a row, my nightmares have centered around an obnoxious main topic.

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In my dreams, everyone I love and care about leave me.  They decide that I’m not good enough, and walk away.  In my dreams, I’m left … cold, forgotten, unloved, scared and broken.  Now, logically… I know that it’s just a dream.  I know, because I awake and I’m safe.

BUT…

The non-logical side of me; the side that reveals herself in dreams…. will taunt me with these illogical fears.  I hate it.  I hate how it takes me a while – sometimes even a day or two, to settle down and relax again.   Not to mention – I’m then leery to go back to sleep and end up a little on the tired and cranky side the days following.

I suppose, if I were to look on the bright side… life has become something I cherish…. the people, my friends and family, my job, even my pets.  The idea of losing all that I’ve built in the last few years… shakes me to my core.  I have everything I could possibly need right now.. well – maybe not EVERYTHING… but I’m damn happy.  Someday I’ll find a relationship that equals what I need it to be… but for now, you see.. when I’m awake… that’s now become the dream.  A fantasy come true.

Happy Wednesday Neverland.  The week is half over.  Now if only I could just go take a nap.

Perhaps I’m a Mom with High Standards?

Sometimes I think I owe my parents a huge apology.  I can remember being a brat to them.  I can remember doing it and not even fully knowing why I was doing it.  Tonight, my four year old pulled it on me.  He’s been testing me all week and tonight it came to a climax.  I love him so much, and yet sometimes, he frustrates the fuck out of me.  I had to walk into the hallway and count to ten before going back in his room to handle him.

It’s nights like these, when I feel like a total failure as a mom.  My usually unending patience reaches it’s low point and I can’t take anymore.  When I don’t care that he only has 6 of his 12 stuffed animals, and I don’t want to play the window open, now window shut game.  It was a long day and all I can think about is how lovely it will feel to lay down and shut my eyes and sleep.

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My son has so much energy.  More than my daughter ever had, and that’s saying something.  He’s either on or off.  There is never an in-between.  When he’s up and awake, he’s non-stop running around, making noise, talking, asking a million questions at 100 miles a minute.

I know I’m not a bad mom, but when the patience level runs that low, it makes me wonder.  I love being a parent, and yet if my patience can drop like that – maybe it somehow means I shouldn’t have.  Maybe it somehow signals that I’m a screw up?  I’ve read a ton of articles that say I’m not.  Met plenty of mom’s who all grow through these same feelings.  That makes it easier… and yet it still doesn’t erase those little seeds of doubt.

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Where did these ideals even come from?  Why are women and mothers so preoccupied with being our own versions of a super mom?  Ok, that’s a generalization, as not every mom is preoccupied with that.  But it sure seems that a large majority of mothers compare themselves to other mothers, as well as compare our children to other children. Why?  Where did we get this silly notion that perfection within a human being can even be achieved?  It’s hypocrisy.  We are human.  Our children are also human.  We’re fallible. When, if ever, will we be satisfied with that?  When, if ever, will it be ok to realize that you just need to take a mommy time out and relax?

My standards aren’t really even my standards.  They come from examples I had growing up, from movies and books, from friends and their parents, and neighbors and teachers.  They are the standards set by the society I surrounded myself with.  It makes me question… what ARE my standards of me?

If I think about it.. I really kind of only have a select few.

1.  Always give everything you’ve got. Try and keep trying, even when you fail.

2.  Share an endless supply of love.  There should never be a question in anyone’s mind.  If you’re my family, then I love you and you should know it by how I act and what I say.  Love is infinite, there’s always more of it give.

3.  Be loyal and show respect.  I take care of others before myself; not because I don’t value myself, but because I respect others.  If I have something that someone in my family wants or needs… I’ll give it up, or share it.  That’s just the way of it.

4. I aim to never shame myself or my family.  This falls into the being good and moral and doing what’s right kind of category.  To uphold myself and those I love in the very best of standings that I can.

There are more, but I’d say these are probably the top on my list.  Some of my friends say I’m an odd traditionalist at times.  Looking at this list.. am I?  Maybe the newer generations don’t think like this?  I don’t know.  I’d be curious to find out.

Goodnight neverland.  I’m going to go enjoy a mai tai and try and get a little relaxation before I drift off and start another day.  🙂  Much love.

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The reason why I never make my bed

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I rarely make my bed.  If company is coming over, I still may or may not make my bed.  It depends on who the company is and whether they already know about this odd quirk that I have.  You see, Sleep and I are not very good friends in general.  Most of you know that I deal with nightmares on a fairly regular basis.  I’ll make my bed when the sheets and blankets are freshly washed.  But here’s what’s amusing.  The first thing I typically do when I climb into a freshly made bed, is unmake it.  I love the smell and feel of freshly laundered bed linens, but I’m one of those people who tosses and turns.  Hard to toss and turn freely when you’ve been tightly tucked in.  I also tend to like to let my feet stick out – or legs, or arms.. sometimes I will lay sideways, other times I’m spread eagle all the way across the bed.  Sometimes I like to hide under the covers and pretend like I’m not there; and other times, I lay on top of the covers and forgo them altogether.

 

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I realize it’s strange, but to me, a messed up bed is FAR more comfortable.  I can mush the blankets up and around my face, or tuck them in-between my legs.  When I was sharing a bed with someone else, I always had the bed set up where I have my own blanket, and the other person does too.  And then a blanket over the top to hide the fact that there are essentially his and her blankets happening under the covers.  🙂  It worked, because I knew that my need to be weird with my blankets and sheets wouldn’t necessarily be something that someone else would accept.  Now that I’m not sharing a bed with someone else, I’ll admit, my odd sleeping habits have increased.  But I’m ok with that.  So long as my friends and loved ones who do pop over and occasionally see my unmade bed understand.  It’s not laziness.  It’s not being a slob, hey the rest of my room is clean, it’s a new way of thinking about something that traditionally was handled in a certain way.  Funny, in the kitchen, I can rival Martha Stewart…but house work… meh.

ImageWho am I kidding… I guess I’m just weird.  🙂 Happy Thursday everyone.