I have problems with nightmares. I’ve always had incredibly vivid dreams, even when I was just a child. Because of this, I’ve also always been plagued with a lot of nightmares. I swear, every insecurity, every fear I have… surface in my dreams on a regular basis. I’ve always hated it. I always dream I’m going to lose the ones I love. My children, my family, my spouse, my friends…. this is the common theme to my dreams. I can’t recall the countless number of nights where I’ve woken up absolutely terrified that what I dreamed was reality. Sometimes, I’d have to check on my children and make sure that they were still sound asleep in their beds.
It’s been two nights in a row now that my nightmares have caused me to wake the house. I feel bad when this happens. I also feel bad because for the past two nights in a row, my nightmares have centered around an obnoxious main topic.
In my dreams, everyone I love and care about leave me. They decide that I’m not good enough, and walk away. In my dreams, I’m left … cold, forgotten, unloved, scared and broken. Now, logically… I know that it’s just a dream. I know, because I awake and I’m safe.
BUT…
The non-logical side of me; the side that reveals herself in dreams…. will taunt me with these illogical fears. I hate it. I hate how it takes me a while – sometimes even a day or two, to settle down and relax again. Not to mention – I’m then leery to go back to sleep and end up a little on the tired and cranky side the days following.
I suppose, if I were to look on the bright side… life has become something I cherish…. the people, my friends and family, my job, even my pets. The idea of losing all that I’ve built in the last few years… shakes me to my core. I have everything I could possibly need right now.. well – maybe not EVERYTHING… but I’m damn happy. Someday I’ll find a relationship that equals what I need it to be… but for now, you see.. when I’m awake… that’s now become the dream. A fantasy come true.
Happy Wednesday Neverland. The week is half over. Now if only I could just go take a nap.
Today, I had a thought at my counselor appointment that I cannot shake. There really is only a few real fears a parent has. There are lots of little stresses… But legitimate fears? Health issues or injuries and of course death are at the top of the list.
For me tho, I fear my children not knowing how much I love them, how much I would give for them. I fear them having abandonment issues like I do. I fear they’ll turn out like me. Hell… They already are.
My son is struggling with sleep right now. Scared of the dark, scared of his room, scared of bears. He’s been waking up the house every hour or so. It’s not like him. He’s been my shadow and I’m doing all I can to allow it. He obviously needs it, but it’s exhausting.
Am I a bad mom? Am I not there enough for them? I work and share custody. When I ran my business, I was able to be home for my daughter as a toddler. But my son? Is he missing valuable bonding time? Ugh. What if I totally screw them up? I play with them, laugh, dance, sing. I’m terrible with discipline tho. I’m the good cop, not the bad cop. I do the snuggles and help things calm down. Thankfully, most of the time, things work ok. I’m patient. But is it good enough? Am I giving them what they deserve?
I don’t feel so hot. May be coming down with something. Just been a bit light headed tonight. I’m flat out exhausted and totally feeling like a failure as a parent. Maybe it’s the lack of sleep… Goodnight Neverland.
Please excuse my absence. I managed to come down with what I thought was just a miserable cold. It’s been rough, I won’t lie. BUT… I’m on the mend and starting to feel like me again so I’ll focus on that. 🙂
I’ve had a few topics on my mind in the last few days. Things I wanted to write about and every time I’d sit down to do so, I’d get distracted by an article or an email or text. There is so much to catch up on from the last couple of weeks, so I’ll sum it up really fast. Took my mini-me to her first comic convention. It was a 4 hour drive out of state to get there and we stayed the entire weekend in a hotel.
This was her birthday present from in June. She had a blast and I’m thrilled that she got to experience it and found such enjoyment from it. I found her an anime wig and did some big anime eye makeup on her. She had many people stop her and ask to take a picture. It was wonderful to see her light up that way. I got commended on how cool of a mom I am, which of course made my day! 🙂
The mini-me all dressed up
The bro started a new job. Scrambled a bit to find daytime care for my little one, but got there in the end. Because I’ve been sick, I missed work last week, and this week, I’ve been pretty much working from home. Some of the other ladies who work for me have also been sick with colds and we had a “sick party” where they came in their comfy clothes and slippers, and we worked at my dining room table with snacks and Kleenex, delivery pizza and plenty of giggles. It’s been lovely having them here.
I re-arranged some of the main areas of my house tonight. From a mental side of things, I needed it. Maybe it’s because I’m getting better after being so sick, maybe it’s because there’s lots of talk of the bro moving out, maybe it’s the thoughts I’ve had of where I’m going to put my xmas tree this year… but I’ve had my home on the brain a lot lately. It’s decorations, the layouts of the room, how to get more efficient and organized and how to make it feel like home. I haven’t had Nana and Granddad over yet. I’m just not ready for them to see it in the state it’s in. Don’t misunderstand, it’s not horribly messy or anything like that. I still haven’t finished unpacking – and frankly – I actually don’t care so much. There is still a box in my dining room to unpack, a box in my bedroom, there’s a box by the front door that I haven’t touched. And a garage, half full of boxes of life. It’s highlighted to me just how much “stuff” I had. And I knew that. In that big house we came from, a six bedroom house to fill, and a family inside of it, accrues a lot of material possessions and things. These are the things that still half-fill my garage; random decorations, old year books and parts or pieces to old hobbies that had been put aside, extra frivolous kitchen appliances that rarely get used, in my case, there’s also an extra couch and dining room set. I’ve promised myself that the things I don’t touch in a year – get tossed. I hate clutter; and yet somehow, I’ve managed to gather quite a lot of it.
Between kids, moves, and breakups and divorce… the clutter seemed to creep in; and I didn’t really seem to care or notice. I see it now. Tonight, I spent a fair chunk of time going through some of the clutter. It’s only scratching the surface, but the re-arranged rooms helped me stay motivated. I think I needed that refreshment, because tonight, looking around at what I got done and having the ideas in my head on what I’m going to do to finish each room, it’s finally starting to feel like home.
George, my cat, is sprawled across my favorite chair, the room is flickering with candle light; the carpets are clean, the room is dusted, the kitchen is even clean… I really got a lot accomplished tonight after I finished work. I KNOW I’m feeling better. 🙂 Last Wednesday, I felt more like I was on death’s door and could barely get out of bed. And yea, I still sound like absolute crap when I cough. Laying down at night isn’t as fun either, as I feel a bit like I’m drowning. It’s kind of funny, I keep referring to myself as a squeaker toy because I take a breath and squeak like one. What I’m finding “interesting” is that my dreams have increased while I’ve been sick. I’ve had more nightmares in the last couple of days than I’ve had in a very long time and I’m unsure what’s triggered it. Last night, I dreamt I was in a horrible motorcycle wreck. In my dream, I felt the pain of a car driving over the top of me, and when I woke, I could swear I still felt it. It’s amazing what the mind does with a dream. I then had a second dream that started out innocuously enough but ended with a blow to the heart emotionally that had me crying out in my sleep. I hate dreams. I find that if I go to bed with a clear head, that I have a better chance of not having any, but they still sneak up on me. I wish I could find a better solution.
I’m tinkering with a couple of ideas for new innovation in my head right now and it’s wonderful. I missed doing that kind of work, and with as busy as work has had me lately, I didn’t think I’d be able to sneak in the time to do more of it. But I find that later in the night, before I fall asleep, I’ll get some really interesting ideas and jot them down. Sometimes I’ll bounce them off T if he’s around, and sometimes I just journal them and keep them for later. I have FAR too many notebooks with these kinds of things in them. It would be interesting to somehow collect it all in a way I could re-read it all. 🙂
These latest ideas are involving robotics, one involving transportation and one involving personal computing. I want to get my hands on a google glass device – but how would I explain that at work? I’m already considered a traitor for using an android phone. See, it’s my opinion – I don’t care about the brand. Does it work? Does it solve a problem or a need that I have or make my life easier or less dependent on the unimportant things? Cool, then I’ll try it. If it somehow chains me down, or makes things worse, then heck no am I going to spend decent money on a gadget that’s just the next popular thing. I’m VERY picky.
Well – I should get some sleep. It’s later than I’d realized. I hope you are all well. Goodnight Neverland. XXO
I learned something very interesting about myself this weekend. Grief brings out my insecurities. It makes sense when I think about it. When I’m grieving, I am in a very lost, lonely, sad kind of state. That is typically when I feel like I need my support system the most. It’s also when I feel guilt over needing my support system. It feels needy and clingy and stupid.
What I learned this weekend wasn’t that I’m insecure. I already knew that. 🙂 What I learned this weekend is that sometimes, you have to learn to let go, and trust in those you love. If someone tells you they love you, and they’ve done nothing to really make you doubt or deny that, then trust that they actually do love you as they say they do.
I don’t know when I got to be like this. Maybe they are a side effect of grief, or maybe I’ve always had issues with it in some respects. I give love to others. I’m generous (overly so in some cases), I go out of my way to make sure that the people I love KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that I love them. And yet, I sometimes fail to recognize the love that others give to me. It’s not done intentionally. I would be devastated if someone I loved didn’t recognize that and feel that from me, and yet, sometimes, I don’t see it. And I should. How do you learn to see the love and affection that others give? Is it because I’m so focused on making sure I don’t screw up that I fail to enjoy what’s given to me? Ding Ding Ding! Holy crap what a realization to come to. Why do I do that? I think … to be honest, I think it’s somewhat out of guilt. I don’t feel that I deserve it, or I’m scared it’s going to go away. I’m done being scared. I want to love with all my heart. I want to allow myself to be loved in return. Because I deserve it. Because I’m a good, honorable, passionate, smart, sexy woman who sometimes fails to recognize those traits in herself. I’m worthy. I swear, I need to write that somewhere I can see it every day.
I. Am. Worthy.
I’ve had some bad recurring nightmares in the last week. I’ve also had a few good dreams, which is unusual and inspires a bit of hope in me that maybe the nightmares can be made to go away. I’ve had nightmares since I was a kid. My mother has very vivid dreams as well, so part of me wonders if dreaming is somehow hereditary. One dream I’ve had for many many years involves everyone I know and love disappearing before my eyes. I’ve always thought the meaning of that dream pointed to my insecurities, and my fear of abandonment, and I’m probably right. This new dream, it involves the death of my children. And I can point to grief on that, maybe a bit of PTSD after losing Ben, but I could also say that maybe I’m grieving something else too. My friend R pointed out this weekend that perhaps, besides mourning the loss of my son, I’m also mourning the loss of a dream. I sometimes look around me and think about how I never planned for this. I never planned to raise my children alone. I never planned to be a corporate career woman. I never planned to be living with a roommate at 32, divorced. According to R, I need to mourn the change of my vision for myself in the future, and then I may be able to move on and dream new things. It’s not a bad idea. I suppose that’s why I’m writing on the subject. Usually, writing helps me process the things I’m working through in my head.
What was my vision before? To have a good job, be a amazing wife, be a good mom. To be a family. To be fiercely loved by those closest to me. To feel inspired and happy.
Where am I now?
I have a good job. I’m a good mom. We are a family. I am fiercely loved by those closest to me. I AM inspired and happy. Well I’ll be…. 🙂 Maybe it’s not mourning that should be happening. Maybe it’s celebrating. 6/7 items on my vision’s list are happening on a daily basis and I have achieved. Why am I beating myself up then? I’ve done it. Ok so the painting doesn’t look QUITE as I’d imagined it 10 years ago. But when you really look at it, I did get everything I wanted.
It’s amazing. It’s inspiring. It’s refreshing to look at it in a different perspective. I really beat myself up this weekend. It was an emotional rollercoaster of a weekend, that I brought on myself. And now that it’s over…. I can still say I had an amazingly good weekend, I got a lot of things accomplished that I needed to, AND… somehow, I’m starting a new week clearer. A bit stronger. Prouder. A few years ago, a weekend of tears would have left me feeling pretty mad at myself. Now? I feel like maybe it was time. It was needed. And now, I can move forward again. It’s unlike me to have such an emotional moment. I don’t see it becoming a trend, but I’ll embrace this weekend for what it was. Me getting much needed “stuff” out of my system in order to process it and learn from it.
I tossed and turned most of the night. Bad, horrible dreams. Worst in a long time. It’s left me feeling tired, weary, and vulnerable. Everyone was in a mood this morning. What started as a lovely day quickly went off kilter, no matter how much I tried to change the ebb and flow of that tide. It was a great weekend. This week, although busy, should be another amazing work and this coming weekend is my birthday. So why am I feeling so off today?
I suppose it’s a lot of little things. Work has me stressed (happy – but stressed all the same). In the last couple of days, a few folks in my life decided to try and push me in ways I didn’t want to be pushed. In ways they have no right or bearing to do. And when I declined and simply and quietly stated that I was going to go my own way on this, they lashed out. What is that? Is there some rule that says if you have someone in your life who’s a downright giver…that if they don’t submit and do it your way that you have to try and destroy them? What so if they can’t have it no one can? Bunch of bullshit if you ask me. Now I will say – I’ve done a pretty good job of letting it all roll off my back. I almost always do – but today I’m left feeling very drained from it all. It’s gotten old.
To my father – I’m sorry that I’m not what you wanted. It is what it is. I’ve moved on – perhaps it’s your turn too.
To my ex. Just stop. It’s been plenty long enough now. It’s time to move on with your life and quit attacking me for moving on with mine. I wanted to be friends, for the sake of our kids… but now I just want some peace. I am not your wife, I am not your counselor, and lately – I’d barely even qualify as your friend. Quit trying to use me. I won’t stand for it any more.
To the grandparents – not that you’ll ever read this blog. I’m not a boy. I’m not a man. I am a woman. And frankly – it’s time you learned that it’s not 1950 anymore. I’m doing DAMN well for myself. Professionally, as a mother, as a friend and just as me. Please stop with the judgements. Stop with the unrealistic expectations. I can’t do it anymore. Because I love you the way I do, I take those expectations and try and fit and maneuver and squeeze myself to match them. And, to be honest, I’m sick of doing it. It’s time to embrace the shape that is me. Faults and all. It’s no longer the world your generation ruled… it’s mine.
To the folks I care about… to those of you who don’t pile on the unrealistic expectations… thank you. I can’t tell you how much. Need to pull myself from this funk now. Happy to take a hug or two if you’ve got ’em to spare.
