Tag: emotions

What ever you do… do NOT push the button.

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We all have them.  Buttons that when pushed will either set us off, or trigger tears, or both.  Some buttons are easier to push than others, depending on who you are of course and who’s pushing the button.  It takes a long time for me to lose my temper.  I’m slower to heat – but when I do – it boils…unless of course you manage to hurt me, then I don’t boil – at least not at the person who pushed the button.  Then I just erupt inside.  Tonight was one of those for me.  It’d been a long day.  Relatively good in some ways – and relatively shit in others.

I spent FAR too much time crying today.  Mostly because my ex pushed buttons.  I’m trying… SO… HARD… to be civil.  To not fight.  To not engage when he’s in an angry mood.  I’m successful most of the time at it.  But occasionally – he’ll break through and find a way to make me hurt.  Deep hurt.  Typically around Ben.  When will that stop being a button?  I suppose when I let it stop?  I don’t know.

We spoke of Ben tonight.  In some considerable length actually.  Let’s just say that my head hurts from all the crying.  Who knows, Ben’s been a topic lately – maybe it’s life’s way of telling me to deal with it.  To get some emotions out.  I was pretty angry tonight at one point.  So angry I was shaking.  I NEVER get like that, but my momma bear came out a little bit at one point.  I was holding back the snarls, the tongue lashing was hovering just on the tip of my tongue.  It used to be, when I was younger, that I would let my mouth say whatever it wanted.  I could give a tongue lashing like no other.  Still can if I allow it.  I unfortunately learned at an early age the power behind words – and just how much they could cut.  BUT… the years have taught me that really – its not worth it.  You end up hurting yourself just as much if not more than the other person (in the long run).  Saying things in the rush of the moment – without thinking of the repercussions only get’s you into trouble.  You end up saying things that maybe you don’t mean.  You might mean them at that moment, but those things that are said, you can’t take back.  It’s taken me about 9 years or so to get to this point.  And yea, sometimes I’ll admit that maybe my pendulum has swung a little too far in the opposite direction, but I’m also proud of who I’ve become.  It takes a lot to bring me to a point where I’ll unleash on someone.  Unless it’s the momma bear breaking through – then that comes lightening fast.  🙂

I’m proud that I’m learning to communicate on a different level.  It feels healthier.  It feels calmer.  I hate getting yelled at.  I hate being made to feel like I’m worthless, or that I was never wanted, never good at anything – other than being a mom and being a paycheck.  And that’s what the ex did tonight – maybe not intentionally – although maybe so – who knows?  I’ll consider the source.  I’ll put it away and know comfortably that ultimately… I’m in a good place in life.  And it’s getting better every single day.  Overall – I’m very happy.  Yea – ok, the last few weeks have had their ups and downs and life has handed me some stress… but when doesn’t it do that?  That is the very nature of life.  Ups and downs, stress and drama and joy.

“T” texted me when I was in the middle of dealing with the ex tonight. Then called.  I didn’t get to him because of the drama until a bit later.  It took him maybe 10 seconds before he heard right through me and called me out on not being ok.  I wasn’t.  I was a wreck. He came over.  I’d managed to compose myself before he arrived tho.  But I’ll admit, I felt stupid knowing he was coming over to make me feel better… again.  Friday and now Monday.  GEEZ.  I felt like I was becoming a nuisance.  He cheered me up.  He always does. The silly man thought I was mad at him and avoiding him.  Nope… never.  FIrst, if I’m mad at someone, I’ll tell them I’m mad at them.  THEN I’ll avoid.  LOL.  Well – it depends on how badly you push my buttons actually.  Second… he’s done absolutely nothing for me to be mad at.  Hence why I say he’s a silly man. 🙂

You all cheer me up too.  I can’t go to bed now without doing some form of writing.  Sometimes, if I don’t want to sit at my machine, I’ll write in a notebook or journal.  But I prefer the keyboard because it’s so much faster.

Well neverland, it’s time I bid you adieu.  Goodnight.  Sleep well.

XXO!

And suddenly I feel very vulnerable

Jen2 Comments

Vulnerability.   It doesn’t sit comfortably with me.  I think I screwed up today. In the midst of a mad house flurry of work meetings, I was busy and hit forward on an email (in personal mail having nothing to do with work). I didn’t consider the potential reaction on the other end, mainly cuz I hadn’t even read thru what I’d copied and pasted.  Tonight I remembered the email and thought to go read, and I’m mortified at how it reads. The dates didn’t copy, so it just looks like a long drawn out list rather snippets over time.  It was intimidating even for me to read, when it was meant to be light. Teach me to copy and paste from my phone.

My intentions were pure. These snippets were meant to bring a smile. And now, I’m suddenly nervous that they’ll be read all wrong.  Nervous, ha! Who am I kidding, I’m down right worried.  I feel like there’s been a lot of fumbles on my part lately. And the thing getting bumped a bit is my heart & emotions. How can a person do well in so many areas of her world, but have these silly almost klutz-like (hell, I have those too) moments?

But then again…

Maybe I doubt because of something else?  Abandonment issues?  Self esteem?  I should have trust and faith in the people I’ve chosen to care about. Hope they understand me well enough to know that sometimes, I do a shitty job of wording or in this case, formatting something…but my heart is in the right place.

I hate the fear that comes with vulnerability.  Knowing you’ve been exposed, and not knowing if you can trust someone to not strike, or worse, in my case, walk away….

I need to learn to just keep my mouth shut. Or maybe not get so involved. Not open myself up. Not share. It goes so against my nature. Ugh…I hate feeling stupid.

Here’s hoping…goodnight neverland!

 

******

Update:  I guess I didn’t screw up.  Formatting was overlooked.  Yay for that.  This is just another reason why I need to learn to have faith and trust in others.  I will get there dang it – someday!!

Caring the least

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Why do people care so much about what others think?  Why is it that we need that kind of validation?  Why give other people control of our own lives and destiny and happiness?  If you really think about it, it’s kind of a strange behavior.  We want so desperately to be happy and loved and successful … and yet… we hand over the control of those things to other people – maybe hoping that they’ll magically deliver the answers to these wants and needs wrapped in a pretty bow.  What’s even stranger is that so often, if you look at who we typically allow to weigh in on these wants and needs – they are people who don’t have it figured out for themselves.  What makes them experts, let alone experts in my life?  It’s a strange behavior.  In the end, all we have is what we make of it.  In the end, there’s a strong chance that the people we give that kind of weight to today, won’t even be around.  And yet, we still happily hand over the keys to our peace of mind and happiness to people who likely don’t really even know the inside of our hearts.  Want to know what I think?  I think it’s a lack of self esteem or self confidence.

I’ve made a pact with myself.  I’m not going to do this anymore.  I’m not going to look to others to validate my feelings or emotions, and I’m not going to look to others to validate my actions either.  I’m going to try and start taking people’s opinions with a bit more wariness.  Not because I don’t care about them, not because I don’t respect their opinions… but because I want to live my life.  I want to make my own mistakes and get a little messy on occasion.  Of course, there will still be moments I’ll go to others for their thoughts… but that’s just it.  It’s a thought.  From a biased person.  Everyone is biased in their own ways.  Everyone.  I’m a grown up.  I’ve worked hard to get where I am.  I make good choices more often than not.  I’m a good person.  I need to trust in myself, in the things I’ve learned, the lessons I’ve been taught.  I need to trust that it’s ok to not be perfect.  I also need to trust in my own emotions.

I read an article today that had a phrase that I’ve seen on the net and in the blogosphere.  In a relationship, the person who cares the least, has all the power.  What a load of crap that is.  I mean – yes – in many ways, I suppose it’s true; And how SAD is that?!  Why is it that people are so afraid of emotions and feelings?  What is this 1950?  Are feelings and emotions still too associated with being feminine?  I’d like to propose a re-wording of this phrase.  The person who cares the least will act as an anchor; and can slow/halt it’s course.  But the person who isn’t afraid … the person who lets themselves be real and open up and love… those are the people who give you wings, and if you let your fears down and relax … maybe they’ll teach you to fly.  I’m sick of being afraid.  You can’t die from a broken heart…so what’s everyone so afraid of anyway?

Hmm… that’s an interesting realization for me.  You can’t die from emotions.

You get divorced – knocks the wind out of you – makes you mad, makes you sad, makes you lonely and question everything about everything…. but it doesn’t kill you.  Perhaps at times you might wish it would – but it doesn’t.

Losing a child.  Worst pain ever.  You lose all sense of time and tense.  You have a child.. no had.. wait – but he’s still mine – so have.  You plan the future with your child in it – you lose them- now what… it’s a strange thing.  And because grief sneaks up on you unexpectedly at times, sometimes the loss will feel fresh as yesterday, and other times it fades and is just a memory of a very painful time.  But none of it kills you.

Losing friends or loved ones, losing jobs, fighting addictions…whatever the hurdle one must overcome… same thing.

Ok – so there’s no real BAD thing that can happen from embracing emotion.  What good can come of it?

Friendship, Love, companionship, respect, trust, happiness, peacefulness, Joy, Elation, understanding, strength, hope…..I could keep going. 

I think I’ll stick to sharing and embracing my emotions.  Showing my affection.  Not fearing the repercussions or heartache of losing someone who is too afraid or broken to open up too.

Off to bed now – as it’s 2:30am and I’m still up.  Nightmares tonight.  Going to snuggle back into my comforters, they smell good tonight…Comforting.  Safe.  Maybe I can bury myself in them and just dream sweet. Sigh…

I feel moved…

JenLeave a comment

I watched a couple of movies today. I debated whether I wanted to write this post in this manner or in another fashion altogether. But I’m going with it. The first movie was the Internship. Hilarious. I laughed, and cheered and swore at the TV and then cheered some more. Yea yea, I’m a dork, I know. The second movie I watched has left an imprint. I almost need to watch it again just to get it all. The movie was called “Her”. It explores what it is to have a connection with “someone”. In this case, not even a human, but a computer. It explores what love is. It explores the human psyche, divorce, a lot of different things. It showed the parts of life and love and finding of yourself that are truly beautiful and inspiring.  It shows what it’s like to have the fear of being inadequate.  Of being an introvert.  I’d say that anyone who’s experienced a long distance relationship would relate to this movie as well. I found myself jotting down things that I found particularly moving or thought provoking, along with what must have been about 50 ideas around technology inventions. Oh the R&D team are going to either love or hate me at work. hehe.

“A heart is not a box that can be filled up. It is ever expanding.”

How true this is. And yet, so easy to forget and lose sight of. There is no concept of a heart being Full. It also means that a heart is never really empty. It is infinite. How amazing is that?! A human’s ability to feel and love is something that is truly infinite. Which means that even the coldest, most cut off hearts aren’t truly lost.

There was a scene, where he reminisced of happy times. With the wife he was divorcing. He shared his fear. Fear that maybe somehow any memories or emotions that he feels moving forward will somehow be diminished because he’d already experienced them before. It’s a fear I’ve experienced in my past. And while I know it to be not how life works – of course you’ll experience joy and happiness again… I also know in some ways it’s not totally off the mark. Your first love is likely to be remembered as something a little extra special – because it was your first.

I’m in the absolute throws of fighting a pretty mean infection – thankfully the doctor prescribed some strong antibiotics and this ear infection will be gone in no time. But I’ve spent much of the weekend fighting chills and cold sweats. I had enough of being in bed. Went and had breakfast with a girlfriend today. Was so much fun. In all the fun, we also went and had our cards read. Don’t laugh. Don’t do it. 🙂 I’m not one of THOSE people. You know – the strange nagchampa smelling, sandal wearing HIPPY people. 🙂 Nothing against them either mind you. I don’t do those things very often. I find them fascinating. I have met a few tarot card readers who are … uncanny in their accuracy. It means I respect them and their trade. Doesn’t mean others have to agree or participate – to each their own. Ok – so in my reading today, I was truly quite surprised at what came up. I never say anything. I sit and shuffle and let the person do their thing. The woman I see, her name is Raven. She’s this big beautiful african american woman. She sings soul in a jazz band as well as does tarot readings at a pagan bookstore in downtown seattle. She has a beautiful, loud belly laugh. She’s the type of person I could sit and have conversations about life with and settle in on some good food with some good music. I see her once every couple of years.

“You’ve gone through a lot of change for the positive in the last year.” – yea ok that’s kind of a duh
“You’ve recently quit online dating.” Yup.
“You worry too much about what other people think, or how others feel and are far too often a doormat for the sake of being kind” Wow thanks Raven – way to put that out there. Damn if she’s not right tho.
“Relationships and emotions are on your mind a lot” Hmm, I hate that she’s right on this one.
“you’re in a good place. Centered. Where spirit and body and mind all connect.” Yep – this is true too. I feel quite in tune with myself lately.

There was a lot more – a few things out in left field that had me surprised and off hunting for information on. But I left feeling recharged. I am on a good path. I believe in the joys of the world that surrounds me and am continually surprised and delighted by the beauty that it holds. I don’t hold as much fear about losing that joy anymore. Life is short. I’ll be damned if I don’t enjoy the joy I find and have while I can. Dream big. Fly high. Learn. Laugh. Live. Grow. And be ME. 🙂

Goodnight. Love to you all.