Vulnerability. It doesn’t sit comfortably with me. I think I screwed up today. In the midst of a mad house flurry of work meetings, I was busy and hit forward on an email (in personal mail having nothing to do with work). I didn’t consider the potential reaction on the other end, mainly cuz I hadn’t even read thru what I’d copied and pasted. Tonight I remembered the email and thought to go read, and I’m mortified at how it reads. The dates didn’t copy, so it just looks like a long drawn out list rather snippets over time. It was intimidating even for me to read, when it was meant to be light. Teach me to copy and paste from my phone.
My intentions were pure. These snippets were meant to bring a smile. And now, I’m suddenly nervous that they’ll be read all wrong. Nervous, ha! Who am I kidding, I’m down right worried. I feel like there’s been a lot of fumbles on my part lately. And the thing getting bumped a bit is my heart & emotions. How can a person do well in so many areas of her world, but have these silly almost klutz-like (hell, I have those too) moments?
But then again…
Maybe I doubt because of something else? Abandonment issues? Self esteem? I should have trust and faith in the people I’ve chosen to care about. Hope they understand me well enough to know that sometimes, I do a shitty job of wording or in this case, formatting something…but my heart is in the right place.
I hate the fear that comes with vulnerability. Knowing you’ve been exposed, and not knowing if you can trust someone to not strike, or worse, in my case, walk away….
I need to learn to just keep my mouth shut. Or maybe not get so involved. Not open myself up. Not share. It goes so against my nature. Ugh…I hate feeling stupid.
Here’s hoping…goodnight neverland!
Update: I guess I didn’t screw up. Formatting was overlooked. Yay for that. This is just another reason why I need to learn to have faith and trust in others. I will get there dang it – someday!!
2 thoughts on “And suddenly I feel very vulnerable”
“I need to learn to just keep my mouth shut. Or maybe not get so involved. Not open myself up. Not share. It goes so against my nature. Ugh…I hate feeling stupid.”
–I hope you never learn to do these things. It is this that makes you beautiful. If you never get involved, you never feel stupid. But then you never experience real joy and love and accomplishment or anything good. Don’t shut your mouth. Keep talking. There is value in what you have to say, even when you’re wrong.
Thank you. Your feedback means a lot. I’ll keep on, even when it’s scary.