Coming round to a decision…

I’ve come to a decision about my future. It’s taken me some time. I’ve let things marinate and I’ve given ample opportunity to see change. I’ve worked with my counselor just about every week to better understand my reactions and where I could have done things differently. And after all of it – I’m about ready to file for divorce. I’ve given myself a deadline. I have to have surgery in a few weeks, so I’m giving myself some room there too – to rest, recover and heal. But I’m feeling pretty positive about my decision. I can honestly say I’ve done all I could to make things work from my end. I’ve listened more than I’ve ever listened in my life. And ultimately – I think this may be the reason I’m going through this. The universe has thrown lessons and tests at me throughout my life – and I don’t always understand them in the moment – darn that hindsight being 20/20 … but I think I understand this one.

I needed to learn that you can lead that damn horse to water – but only the horse can make himself drink. I needed to learn to be able to communicate in a better, more productive way. In previous relationships I learned how to have a voice – but often it would come out raging or so filled with emotions that my voice wasn’t clear or crisp. The past year has taught me how to use my voice in a calm, collected, crystal clear fashion. I learned how to set boundaries, how to find an awareness of my own needs and be able to voice them. And – in the end – I learned how to choose myself, my health, my emotional well being, and ultimately, my future happiness- over what would have amounted to death by a thousand paper cuts.

It’s odd – in my work life – things could not be better. I won a manager award on Wednesday. Recognized for being a top leader, transforming a team, and inspiring others to become better leaders. It felt good… but bittersweet in some ways. How can I be getting it so right at work – but so wrong at home?

The kids are happy and healthy… Well-loved and thriving. My puppies are also doing damn well- although my youngest pup still has the energy of a tornado. hehe. That’s what 12 week old puppies do tho, so it’s to be expected! So maybe I’m not getting it wrong at “home” – but I sure do question my ability to get it right when it comes to matters of the heart.

I’m hopeful for 2020. I’m going to continue to focus on embracing my own well being. I’m going to keep the trend of being authentically me. But I am also going to work on re-establishing my tribe. Somehow, in the past year, I’ve let a lot of my friendships falter. Not by doing something bad – just from general neglect and lack of attention. My focus was elsewhere, and I’m feeling the loss. I miss the “family” that I built around me. Not all are blood – in fact, very little are truly family members. My tribe was a group of people who became as close as family to me – and in all truth – I miss them. There are only a very small circle of people I talk to these days – and even out of that circle, only 2 who know what’s really going on with me. It’s kind of a lonely existence when you’re in limbo. And I’ve never been a very patient woman when it comes to my own path. I get frustrated when my dreams aren’t moving along at the pace I think they should. I know – it’s silly.

Well – I should get my butt moving. Time to dive into another day at work. The day beckons… but please know, to all you who read this silly little blog – I appreciate you. I’m thankful that you’re there – reading the things I toss into the void. Have a great day!

Betrayal

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Today I met with a friend for brunch and manicures and pedicures.  It was overall, a lovely morning.  However, the conversation turned to some things she’d been told recently about me.  To say that I was appalled and hurt is a massive understatement.  I put my side out there and later, she agreed that what she’d been told was a lot of untruths and had absolutely no merit…. but it made me VERY upset. Thankfully, the get together ended on happy notes.  She wants to get together again very soon, as she’s moved nearby and we will be close.  She confessed that I have been an inspiration to her in her life… and that she doesn’t believe the things that were said.

The things that were said were so far from the truth, part of me wanted to laugh at their absurdity.  But the other part of me was simply horrified that anyone would say or think anything like that about me.  It cut me deeper than anything has cut me in a very, very, long time. The words that were said cut down the core of my character, of my morals, and made me sound like a villain.  It proved to me that anyone who would think these things… was never my friend to begin with.

I stewed on it all afternoon and around 8pm I decided to practice my new abilities in being a better communicator.  I called and confronted the person who’d said these horrible things.  The goal wasn’t to cut him back with my words… it was to understand why they were said.

I don’t know if everything he said was truth or not… as lord knows he wasn’t expecting me to call and confront him.  I reminded him that the next time he says something to a friend, to make sure that friend is loyal to him first.  That it’s a small town, and word gets around quickly in certain circles.  According to him, it was a mix of a few things… misunderstandings, assumptions, and hearing things from another “friend”. I asked him who his source was, so that I could confront them too…

R.  The one person who’s hurt me more than she could realize.  A woman who was like a sister to me.  Honestly – I still don’t fully understand how things went so wrong with her… but I know very well the moment that I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I could no longer be her friend.  It shook me to my core and yet it was a very calm, resigned knowledge that we were done.  I would never, and have never, said anything bad or negative about her.  I have not and would not share the secrets that I hold that she shared with me.  Just because we are no longer friends, doesn’t mean I didn’t love her at one point in my life.  What we are now, doesn’t erase the promises or the sincerity that I felt towards her back then.

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Apparently, she does not feel the same way.  I don’t know if I will confront her or not.  I know that I likely should.  But, I don’t honestly think she’d care.  I think that the reaction I would get would be cold and indifferent.  Or worse.  I don’t need that kind of drama or bullshit in my life.  I’ve been through enough.

I value my reputation.  I’ve worked hard to ensure that I show myself to other people and that I honor myself, my family, my friends and the others around me.  So I take a lot of pride in my good reputation, and finding out that someone who I once trusted, someone who I helped time after time and supported and loved… is now spreading horrible things about me…. hurts like nothing I’ve experienced before.

Now I realize – that what others think or say about me shouldn’t affect me.  That ultimately, they’ve just validated for me, why I walked away… they’ve proven without a shadow of a doubt that they do not deserve a right to be in my inner circle.  And I’m ok with that.

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What I’m not okay with – is that this also proves to me that my radar is off.  I’ve always thought of myself as a good judge of character.  That I’m good at reading people… and yet I obviously made a very large mistake in judging these two people.  If my radar is THAT off…perhaps it’s better for me to pull away a bit.  Put up my guard a bit more.  Maybe I have no business trying to read people or trying to decipher character simply because my normal meter is broken.  I’m going to keep watch on my inner circle … I don’t want to be put in a position to be hurt anymore.  But I also realize that might be counter-intuitive considering some of my other goals and dreams.  That to succeed OR fail… you must first be willing to risk.  I think it’s best that I continue to focus on me… getting healthy, finding happiness, working towards the things I want and dream for in life.

I had a few moments this weekend when it dawned on me how much I’m enjoying life these days.  I need to stay in that head space… keep positive.  Keep focused.   Stay away from drama. I know that I’m a good person… and maybe that’s enough.

Goodnight neverland.  Much love to you all.

 

And suddenly I feel very vulnerable

Vulnerability.   It doesn’t sit comfortably with me.  I think I screwed up today. In the midst of a mad house flurry of work meetings, I was busy and hit forward on an email (in personal mail having nothing to do with work). I didn’t consider the potential reaction on the other end, mainly cuz I hadn’t even read thru what I’d copied and pasted.  Tonight I remembered the email and thought to go read, and I’m mortified at how it reads. The dates didn’t copy, so it just looks like a long drawn out list rather snippets over time.  It was intimidating even for me to read, when it was meant to be light. Teach me to copy and paste from my phone.

My intentions were pure. These snippets were meant to bring a smile. And now, I’m suddenly nervous that they’ll be read all wrong.  Nervous, ha! Who am I kidding, I’m down right worried.  I feel like there’s been a lot of fumbles on my part lately. And the thing getting bumped a bit is my heart & emotions. How can a person do well in so many areas of her world, but have these silly almost klutz-like (hell, I have those too) moments?

But then again…

Maybe I doubt because of something else?  Abandonment issues?  Self esteem?  I should have trust and faith in the people I’ve chosen to care about. Hope they understand me well enough to know that sometimes, I do a shitty job of wording or in this case, formatting something…but my heart is in the right place.

I hate the fear that comes with vulnerability.  Knowing you’ve been exposed, and not knowing if you can trust someone to not strike, or worse, in my case, walk away….

I need to learn to just keep my mouth shut. Or maybe not get so involved. Not open myself up. Not share. It goes so against my nature. Ugh…I hate feeling stupid.

Here’s hoping…goodnight neverland!

 

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Update:  I guess I didn’t screw up.  Formatting was overlooked.  Yay for that.  This is just another reason why I need to learn to have faith and trust in others.  I will get there dang it – someday!!