There is so much to say. And yet it all seems to stick in my throat. I have written and rewritten this post about 10 different times in the last 24 hours. I can’t seem to get the words out properly.
I am hurt. Shocked. Appalled. I was unfairly misjudged this weekend. It was assumed that I would act a certain way, that I would react to communication a certain way. It was assumed that I was making a decision and choice that impacts myself and my family in a huge way for the wrong reasons. And rather than really talk to me about it – to find out ALL the various reasons I’m making the choice that I am… it was decided that I am creepy. Me. Creepy. The word sticks in my throat. I know I am the farthest thing from creepy that ever walked the earth. But when you don’t know someone all that well – you make judgment calls based on what you know. I get it – and can move on from being called Creepy because of it – but it still hurts. BAD. To be told I’m acting a certain way that is so far in the opposite direction of where that pendulum swings … I’ve never been so misjudged before, and it’s a total shock to the system and it’s left me in tears and doing soul searching to try and figure out how I could have portrayed something so dramatically opposite from the real truth.
Here is what I know…
I love people. If I let you into my circle of inner trust, it means I love you… whether you’re male, female, straight or otherwise. If I love you – it means I’d give you the shirt off my back. I’d come over anytime you need a friend, even at 2 in the morning. It means I will worry with you when you’re worried, stress with you when you’re stressed, make you laugh and smile, and wipe away tears when you’re sad. What it also means – is that there are no expectations, other than to take and accept my love and affection and do your best not to trample it or take it for granted. I don’t even have the expectation to be loved in return – because in my opinion – that is not love. If love requires it to be reciprocated for it to be love – then it’s not love. Love is giving. It doesn’t have to be returned.. it just is.
If I give you romantic love – there are still, very few expectations. The one expectation I have is to be exclusive – as lord knows, there are a lot of diseases out there and that’s just not for me. If I fall in love fast – so be it. But me being in love, doesn’t mean I’m immediately going to jump the gun on everything. I’m not looking to get married, I’m not looking to throw my kids lives off kilter by moving in with someone… hell I’m not ready for that kind of commitment and won’t be for a LONG time. I need to know that my relationship is solid for quite a few YEARS before I’d even think of considering doing something rash or rushed, after all I’m not stupid. But if I happen to fall for you – it just means that you are someone in my closest circle of trust. It means I will share my thoughts with you that I would normally not share. It means that I will cheer you on and root for you in a way I don’t for others. That’s it. It’s pretty simple and easy. Drama-free, expectation free. It is not something to panic and freak out over.
I wouldn’t EVER wish harm on anyone, or do something to hurt someone. I don’t mess with people’s privacy and don’t inject myself where I am not wanted. I understand where my business is, and where my loved one’s lives and their own business is and I don’t cross those lines. I don’t play games, I don’t stab people in the back. I get that females are in general – a little emotional and crazy – and I’d say honestly – on the crazy scale – I’m on the lower end of the scale. I don’t obsessively call people or require check-ins, I don’t expect them to see me every day.. hell, I’m happy with what I get, and if that’s a daily goodnight text and a date once a week or every other week – so be it. Hell, I’m a busy girl too. Life is far too short and I’m a firm believer in embracing what you get when you get it. I’m supremely easy to please. I accommodate others over myself. I’m low maintenance and anti-drama. It’s rare that I have a request for something…which typically means that if I do, it’s kind of a big deal to me.
I asked the bestie this morning if maybe it’s me. Maybe I don’t know how to love. He laughed at me. Said that if there’s anyone on the planet who knows how to love, I do. That I’ve made him feel loved so many times over our friendship. That I love with all my heart. I feel like maybe it’s a bad thing to care so much. I want to spread joy and happiness to everyone I meet… whether I’ve known them for 2 minutes or 10 years. It’s how I’ve ALWAYS been…and for the first time in a long time, I’m questioning that. I’m starting to wonder if it’s safer for me to stop. Maybe then I wouldn’t feel so hurt, as I do now.
I’m doing my best today, to smile. I’ve got a seriously crazy busy week. Supposed to go on this trip this weekend. Not sure if I’ll be going or not at this point. I need the get away. I need a place where I can collect my thoughts. I hope it all works out as originally planned, but I just don’t know. I know, after doing some soul searching that I haven’t done anything to deserve the judgments I received. I own up to my own mistakes when I make them. I hope that the person will seriously consider this… I really hope it all works out in the long run. But even if it doesn’t… I hope he finds happiness. Wherever it lies. I hope he can someday see that’s all I ever wanted. That there are good people in the world – that not all women are crazy. I know I’m not like most women.. I wouldn’t want to be. I am simply me.
3 thoughts on “Hurt”
Good for you for taking a trip. Have fun this weekend!
Oh honey! I don’t know you, and I found your post because you liked my post. Also about this topic. About misunderstandings and misjudgments. I FEEL YOUR PAIN so deeply, because I am just going through it myself. I too am not one of those “crazy” women, I am laid back and honest, straight forward and about as anti-game and anti-drama as they get. I too have a busy life and a fabulous one at that, and don’t require attention 24/7. What I do require is respect and maturity in a man.
I am sorry you are feeling this pain. I hope your situation works out for the best (whatever that may end up being) and I do hope you go on your trip.
One more thing, PLEASE PLEASE do not shut down. Do not stop loving. Do not stop caring because “it’ll hurt less”. I did that. For a really long time. Over a decade. And now I find myself back on the dating scene at nearly 40 and realizing just how much damage doing that caused me. How much healing I have to do. How much pain I still carry.
Shutting yourself off solves nothing in the end. It just keeps you from loving. And you are so right, love is a gift. A beautiful, wonderful, amazing gift. And those of us who can give it so freely are blessed. Please don’t stop being who you are. From this post alone I can tell you are an amazing person. I’m already going to consider you a part of my “circle of friends”.
Aww, big hugs. It’ll be mutual then, we’ll root for each other. 🙂