There’s something to be said about commuting in a car, it leaves for plenty of time to think. To decompress and review things in my head. I certainly don’t do it with everything, but I do find that on occasion, something someone will say or do will get stuck in my head. It leads me with a need to churn it over a bit and mull on it. I think it’s because, in the moment, my brain will nod and move along in conversation… but later, it will pop back in my mind and I’ll wonder about that moment – why did I react that way? Do they really feel that way? Is that really what they meant? Perhaps I am simply an over thinker and need to learn to control that side of myself a bit better. Regardless, it is how my brain works.
Friends and people who learn my story often comment to me about how strong I am. And while it’s nice to hear, it is in no way a reflection of how I see myself. I have strength when it comes to my brain. I’m able to figure out a solution, make a sale, or find a way out of a sticky situation on most occasions. BUT… when it comes to matters of the heart, and when it comes to matters of sex…. I am a total pansy. Let me repeat that, because I’ve never admitted that before. I am a pansy. I wasn’t always like this. This.. is new. A new Jen. One who, now that I see her, I’m not too happy with.
Of course, it doesn’t help that the few times I’ve really opened up and trusted in someone, I’ve ended up highly disappointed and heartbroken over it. A part of me wants to remind myself that “Hey! That’s life! You win some, ya lose some.” But, because those times have been a bit few and far between – what I usually end up doing is just raising my walls further. Protect myself from the pain just a little bit more, but of course, the side effect from me doing that is that sometimes, people who’ve been trying to get inside my walls – get hurt. I shut down and close myself off – and it leaves them hurt. Which ultimately – is not something I’d ever want to do to those who are close to me.
I’d like to change my goals for the year.
I want to learn to bring those walls down a bit more. To let someone in. I suppose… this is my very first step. Admitting that I can see it, recognize it and want to change it. I also have to understand that it means letting in some pain. If I bring down my walls, it’s going to hurt. I’m scared to hurt. I’ve felt sadness and hurt and pain for long enough over plenty of things. The idea of facing pain and sadness scares the shit out of me. But – I want people to know me. For people to see me for who I am – and if they don’t like me… it’ll hurt a little. But this is me. Who I am on this blog… is me. And if I ever want to feel like I’m not alone anymore, it means I have to let people in.
I was watching a movie tonight. And a scene inspired my brain to run a million miles a minute. I had to go look up the line from the script so that I could share it with you all.
I tell you, I just….
I just wish I could have a piece of her that I could keep safe, you know?
Something more than a bunch of memories.
Memories. It’s interesting to me how broken we get when something that we thought was our entire world… gets reduced to memories. A lost love, a death, or even a rejection of some sort… when we feel that something has been stolen from us, even when that something was only a dream… it evokes a strange pain. A loss that we have to grieve and accept in order to move forward. And then things change and shift and all that is left are the memories of it. It’s almost like we have to grieve the dream of what was.
Almost makes one reconsider what the worth of a memory REALLY is?
If memories are all we have to take with us, if they are all we get to cling to on those lonely nights when it’s just us alone with our thoughts… then why do we put so little value on them? Why do we get so caught up in all the strange bullshit that we do, when we should really be trying to savor every single delicious moment that we have – because in the end, it will only be a memory.
This evening I was reminded… oddly by a movie that I haven’t seen in a long time… that sometimes, you just have to let life flow. There are things that happen that are out of your control- and that if I just hold on to the memories from my past, and relax and keep creating new memories… that somehow, it’ll all work out in the end.
Goodnight Neverland. Much love to you this evening.
I know – not a very imaginative title. I may or may not change it. Tonight, I need you Neverland. I love it here. It’s a place that I feel safe to let anything out. Vulnerabilities and all. I like to posture and say that by sharing my vulnerabilities, it gives me strength. It’s a bunch of BS tho. I’m still not very strong. Today especially.
Today, I feel lost. Lost in a sea of my own making to some extent, as my life is my own, and the choices I’ve made over my life were mine. Part of me thinks, well.. Jen, it IS fall. You always get this way leading up to Ben’s birthday. But I don’t think this is just a bit of grief. Not having a job right now is frustrating. I’m antsy and starting to worry over my financial responsibilities. It’s a strange feeling – first time in 12 years I’ve been unemployed. I won’t lie – I’m a little scared.
Fall is really here. It’s getting colder, more brisk in the mornings. The leaves are changing. It’s one of my favorite times of the year. And yet – it’s also a time of year that typically has me feeling anxious, and even a little down. This is the time of year, that I want to hibernate. Who knows, maybe I was a bear in another life? 🙂 This is the time of year that I’m often hit with a lot of memories from my past. I dreamed of Ben the other night. Grayson asked about him the other day – as we have his picture up on one of the bookshelves in the living room. I don’t cry very much anymore, but there is still a deep ache. The kind of ache in the chest that if you dwelled for too long, the tears would well up behind the eyes, the flood threatening to flow down the cheek. Some wounds are too deep to really heal.
I’ve had some pretty major shakeups with friends and family in the last couple of weeks. That combined with the kids starting school, healing from my injuries and the lack of work… I can’t lie to myself anymore, I’m on the edge of depression. And I know I’ll pull out of it – I always do – but the past couple of weeks have been hard. I’m really proud of me tho. I’m doing it all. I’m managing to figure all of this out, slowly but surely. I have to remind myself that courage doesn’t mean you’re not afraid… it means you’re afraid but still take a step forward.
I have to remind myself that it’s ok to take some time for myself right now. To be quiet and hibernate a little in my home. It’s ok to feel a little lost and scared and lonely. I’m lucky really. I know how good I have it and I know that I’m one tough cookie who’ll find a way to continue to have it good for a long time yet to come. I’ve never been a fan of limbo – and that’s all this is. A strange state where the path that lies ahead of me is a bit hazy and unclear. It’s ok. Although – I won’t lie – it would be nice if someone would join me with a flashlight and a map. 🙂
Tonight I spent some time quietly just sitting and reflecting. Truthfully, I don’t do this enough. It has been a busy weekend. We had friends and their children stay the weekend with us. I don’t think the house has ever had that many people in it, let alone sleeping in it. It was a lovely weekend, high in energy. Today, some friends came over for a visit, we watched movies and played Uno. It was a lovely way to finish out the busy weekend, but I think what really helped to calm and center me was simply to light a few candles and sit cross-legged on my couch and just be in the moment.
It’s interesting, society spends so much time trying to distract themselves from living in the moment. Movies, video games, social media, food, alcohol, drugs…. all of these things we use to disappear into. Trying desperately to fill a hole in their lives that they may not even fully realize is there, let alone have the know-how on filling it. It would be a lie to say that I’m not one of those people. But every now and then, typically after I’ve had a loud, overstimulating few days, I have to just stop everything and just breathe.
I think I know how to fill it. I think it comes with time and age, and just learning to understand who you are at the core of your being. And accepting it for what is. But I’m also good at trying to fill a void. 🙂 And there are a few for me… more than a few. I have a rich and full life. A wonderfully large family, whom I see often, a variety of friends who are as near and dear to me as family should be, I have my children who I have very close relationships with… even loving pets whom I adore. And yet, sometimes, I’m lonely. It’s silly really – as I rarely have alone time, so how on earth can one feel lonely… but it’s the honest truth.
I spent some time thinking about that too tonight. Why do we desire to share our lives with someone else… especially when we think about the fact that the journey we each walk down is ours and ours alone. So logically, if that’s the case, then you will never truly be able to share your life with someone. OR… I suppose you could look at it the other way – you share your life with anyone and everyone who touches it… to what degree and the depth that you share will vary and depend on a variety of variables. My god I sound like an engineer. I know, I overthink everything! 🙂
I’ve been in the new house almost 3 months now. It’s amazing how time flies. Sometimes it feels like I’ve been here so much longer than that, and other times, it feels like it was just yesterday that we moved in. I think a part of that is just because of the swirl of other tests life has thrown at me since we got here. I’m so proud to be here. To own my own place. I have a solid plan in motion on getting it paid off, and in a few years, I intend to invest in something additional – either property or business-wise. It’s fun, knowing that those goals are not only in front of me, but very much attainable. 🙂
I’m looking forward to the summer. Between my little garden (next year’s will be bigger if I have anything to say about it), my art, my children, my work and my new kayaks… I think the summer days will be quite filled with a lot of fun.
I’m building a full on art studio in my house. It’s been quite a thrill so far to start putting together. When I’m finished, I think I will finally have my dream studio space. It’ll take me a couple of years to really get it where I want to, but I will get there. 🙂 I’m even making one of the rooms a photography studio – something I’ve been dreaming of having for about 5 years now.
Little pieces of my life, long-loved interests and hobbies are all finally starting to come together and find a place in my life. It’s interesting to me. I’d never have guessed that it would take me risking everything and breaking out on my own in order to find confidence in being myself. At my core, I always saw myself as being fairly confident… but it’s only the last 5 months or so that I really feel like I’ve come into my own. I see myself now. All of me. Not just the good parts and not just the bad. I care about my own well-being. Funny, I think I’d stopped. Maybe I had given up? Maybe losing Ben and my husband and my family and my friends did more to me than I gave it credit for.
In the last few weeks, I feel a bit like Andy, from the movie “The Shawshank Redemption”; when he climbs out of the sewer pipe and strips himself from the final rags from the prison and just stands in the pouring rain, drinking it all in. Living life, even with all the scary parts, with all the pain, or insecurities, the grief, … is a spectacular thing. I wouldn’t give up a single moment of it. And I refuse to be one of those people who sit by and just accept the monotonous daily grind… especially when adventures can begin anywhere with anything.
My daughter is learning about gardening this year. She has a few plants that she is growing all on her own, and even something as simple as a strawberry plant… watching it grow from seed to plant, growing and tending it, and now… the joy of the first few berries… has been an adventure for us all. Researching a new subject for a painting or cartoon is an adventure. Going on a weekend to explore a new city is an adventure. Exploring the nearby lakes with my new kayak, all the wildlife and amazing scenery – these are all the adventures I’ve got going on in my world these days. And it’s these types of adventures… that continue to fuel me and bring me so much happiness.
So to you, Neverland, go have an adventure this week. I know I will. 🙂
Today I met with a friend for brunch and manicures and pedicures. It was overall, a lovely morning. However, the conversation turned to some things she’d been told recently about me. To say that I was appalled and hurt is a massive understatement. I put my side out there and later, she agreed that what she’d been told was a lot of untruths and had absolutely no merit…. but it made me VERY upset. Thankfully, the get together ended on happy notes. She wants to get together again very soon, as she’s moved nearby and we will be close. She confessed that I have been an inspiration to her in her life… and that she doesn’t believe the things that were said.
The things that were said were so far from the truth, part of me wanted to laugh at their absurdity. But the other part of me was simply horrified that anyone would say or think anything like that about me. It cut me deeper than anything has cut me in a very, very, long time. The words that were said cut down the core of my character, of my morals, and made me sound like a villain. It proved to me that anyone who would think these things… was never my friend to begin with.
I stewed on it all afternoon and around 8pm I decided to practice my new abilities in being a better communicator. I called and confronted the person who’d said these horrible things. The goal wasn’t to cut him back with my words… it was to understand why they were said.
I don’t know if everything he said was truth or not… as lord knows he wasn’t expecting me to call and confront him. I reminded him that the next time he says something to a friend, to make sure that friend is loyal to him first. That it’s a small town, and word gets around quickly in certain circles. According to him, it was a mix of a few things… misunderstandings, assumptions, and hearing things from another “friend”. I asked him who his source was, so that I could confront them too…
R. The one person who’s hurt me more than she could realize. A woman who was like a sister to me. Honestly – I still don’t fully understand how things went so wrong with her… but I know very well the moment that I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I could no longer be her friend. It shook me to my core and yet it was a very calm, resigned knowledge that we were done. I would never, and have never, said anything bad or negative about her. I have not and would not share the secrets that I hold that she shared with me. Just because we are no longer friends, doesn’t mean I didn’t love her at one point in my life. What we are now, doesn’t erase the promises or the sincerity that I felt towards her back then.
Apparently, she does not feel the same way. I don’t know if I will confront her or not. I know that I likely should. But, I don’t honestly think she’d care. I think that the reaction I would get would be cold and indifferent. Or worse. I don’t need that kind of drama or bullshit in my life. I’ve been through enough.
I value my reputation. I’ve worked hard to ensure that I show myself to other people and that I honor myself, my family, my friends and the others around me. So I take a lot of pride in my good reputation, and finding out that someone who I once trusted, someone who I helped time after time and supported and loved… is now spreading horrible things about me…. hurts like nothing I’ve experienced before.
Now I realize – that what others think or say about me shouldn’t affect me. That ultimately, they’ve just validated for me, why I walked away… they’ve proven without a shadow of a doubt that they do not deserve a right to be in my inner circle. And I’m ok with that.
What I’m not okay with – is that this also proves to me that my radar is off. I’ve always thought of myself as a good judge of character. That I’m good at reading people… and yet I obviously made a very large mistake in judging these two people. If my radar is THAT off…perhaps it’s better for me to pull away a bit. Put up my guard a bit more. Maybe I have no business trying to read people or trying to decipher character simply because my normal meter is broken. I’m going to keep watch on my inner circle … I don’t want to be put in a position to be hurt anymore. But I also realize that might be counter-intuitive considering some of my other goals and dreams. That to succeed OR fail… you must first be willing to risk. I think it’s best that I continue to focus on me… getting healthy, finding happiness, working towards the things I want and dream for in life.
I had a few moments this weekend when it dawned on me how much I’m enjoying life these days. I need to stay in that head space… keep positive. Keep focused. Stay away from drama. I know that I’m a good person… and maybe that’s enough.