Tag: emotions

And sometimes, you trip…

Jen1 Comment

embarrassed

And I’m not talking about when you’re just thrown a little off balance here.  I’m talking an epic, ironic, scar-rendering type of trip up.  This weekend, I accidentally tripped over and into a whole mess of crappy feelings and emotions that I never intended to fall into. It leaves me feeling embarrassed.  Ashamed.  And a whole variety of other things.  These are feelings that don’t sit well with me.

wonderwoman

I don’t have a lot of self confidence.  I can fake it with the best of them, but dig even just a little and it’s there under the surface.  In the last few years, I’ve seen myself blossom.  It’s a slow process.

littlerosebud

Imagine a rose bud late to bloom.  Perhaps it is scary and painful to unfurl it’s petals?  Every petal that it slowly loosens from it’s core is deliberate and carefully allowed to open.  When it does fully bloom, it is sure to be truly breathtaking.  But imagine, that as it slowly opens, petal by petal, someone comes along.  Do they encourage it?  Bloom little flower, it’ll be ok.  Or do they shut it down and encourage the flower to stop it’s bloom?  To do that would most certainly leave a scar.  Maybe the flower will be strong enough to withstand, and maybe it won’t.

Thanks to my embarrassment, I’m suddenly scared.  I let my walls down enough to take a chance on something.  The last time I did this, it didn’t go well.  And sure enough, again, this time… big flop.  Anxiety levels raise.  Is it me?  Maybe I’m not that rose after all?  Perhaps there is no bloom.  But if that’s true…sigh… sits quietly for a minute… it can’t be true.  I refuse to believe that.  I have seen far too much, experienced so much pain, and yet, so much beauty.  From the outside, and from within myself.  I have seen miracles.  I am that rose.  And to those who pass by… ignore me or encourage me, but please… please do not tell me not to bloom.

rosebloom

 

Judgy McJudgertons

Jen5 Comments

I’m annoyed.  Actually, that’s probably not quite coming close to describing it. Figured I’d work through it here.

judging

Why do people feel the need to judge or speak up and say something if they don’t have a damn clue as to what they’re really talking about?  Unless you walk in my shoes.. perhaps you should just keep those thoughts to yourself.  I’m not perfect.  I recognize and admit that 100 percent of the time.  I reserve the right to get smarter.  And typically – I do.  When I make a mistake, I learn from it.

The hardest job I have, is to be a parent.  And to be honest, there are things I do well, and things I don’t do as well. I know where my shortcomings lie… hell, they became more apparent to me when I became a single parent.  There is a hell of a lot of WORK involved.  There’s a lot of joy too.  I love my kids.  I’d do anything for them.  That doesn’t mean they don’t sometimes frustrate the hell out of me though.  I’d say that’s allowed.

I have my children on a 50/50 time schedule with the ex husband.  He loves his kids, and while he may occasionally make a decision that I wouldn’t, and I may not support his methods of handling his anger – he’s a pretty dang good father to them.  I’m happy that he puts the efforts he does.

Being a single mom is strange.

The times I don’t have my kids, I spend either catching up on chores and doing the things I don’t enjoy doing with my 3 year old (grocery shopping and laundry are my big ones), or working late, or trying to have a love life, or spending time with friends.  And the thing about being a parent, it makes you more flexible than you ever were before.  Last weekend was supposed to be a kid-free weekend.  The ex had an event that he needed to attend with his girlfriend, so I took the kids for 1 of the weekend days/nights so they could do that.  This weekend was my kid weekend, and had an thanksgiving dinner to attend at the bestie’s house, so the ex took my little one so that I could attend, as it was a kid-free kind of party.  Things always even out.  And ultimately, either way, my kids are surrounded by those who love them.  With the coming vacation, I feel a little guilty to be going away for the time I’ll be away. But it always balances out.

People who don’t have kids, are often jumping in with their thoughts and opinions on how kids should be raised, or how parents should act or feel about their kids.  I’ve had a few single friends go on and on for a lengthy conversation where they bash people who have children, then realize their error and quickly back peddle to make me an exception.  Most of the time, I let it all roll off my back.  They don’t get it.  No matter how much they protest or debate, even if they have good intentions; They won’t understand until they become parents themselves. And even then, every child is a little different.

So to those who think they know.. tell me this… Can you relate to following situations?  No?  Then shut the hell up.

1. My kids have all been early risers, they awaken with the sun and immediately want potty, juice, cereal, cartoons, “Mommy read a book”, “Mommy can you check for monsters under the bed or in the closet.”  There is no sleeping in. Ever.  BUT, most mornings include early morning snuggles.  My kids and I have seen many a pretty sunrise, and have been the first to experience a freshly fallen snow.

2. Getting ready to leave in the morning involves soooo much.  Not only do I have to get myself ready and presentable…. but I also have to negotiate with my toddler… potty, pull up, that gets only pulled up part of the way because the little man has to do it by himself.  Which results in me chasing him downstairs as I try and get close enough to pull them up and adjust them so they fit right., pants…”No, I want batman pants.”  Shirt.  Experience meltdown if you can’t find the green robot shirt.  Socks – get kicked a few times, distract with dinosaur toy and a silly dance – yay.  one sock down – Take another 5 minutes to get the second sock on.  Find shoes.  Can’t find second shoe.  Look frantically for 10 minutes to discover it lodged between a couch cushion.  Get breakfast in front of toddler while I go check on preteen to make sure she’s ready to go.  Discover she’s still in pj’s, looking like she just got up.  Nag her to pick up the pace while I spend a few minutes trying to find the red cup because the blue one is suddenly not ok to use.  Have to check on the preteen again to remind her NOT to use my hairclips without asking me first, and to put layers on as it’s cold and , hmm I think there’s a boy she’s interested in since she’s trying to let her go to school in a pretty summer dress, when it’s 30 degrees outside.

Go to work. put in a full, exhausting day.

Come home.  Check homework.  Help with any projects, get the skinny on what’s going on in the life of my preteen.  Get a load of laundry in, sweep the kitchen floor.  Sometimes I’ll cook dinner, sometimes, I’ll be tired, and will order something.  Sneak in a snuggle with the toddler.  End up giggling running around the house.  Phone rings, try and talk to the person on the other line without exposing them to the loudness that is your home.  One or both children will interrupt every 2-3 minutes.  Get dinner served.  Depending on what it is, and toddlers mood, may or may not be cleaning up dinner from floor.  Or tray, or hair.  We sit at the table, so I get to hear about everyone’s day, share snippets from my own. (I love this part of my day)

Depending on the time, my energy level or the mess… I spend the remainder of the time before they go to bed either reading books with them, playing a game with them, snuggling and watching curious George or Mulan, The preteen is into her phone right now, so we found a mobile game we could play together that doesn’t require a TON of attention to play.  If there’s a big mess, I may set them down to watch a movie so I can do dishes or get another load of laundry in.  Clean a bathroom, or unpack a box.  If I’m really lucky, I may get the chance to pay a bill, or return an email.

Bedtime arrives.  Sometimes it is fine, easy as pie, and sometimes, it takes extra hugs, or a stern reminder that perhaps not everyone in the house WANTS to give EVERY stuffed toy a hug AND a kiss and convince the toddler that perhaps the toys only needed a hug from him anyway.  After many hugs and kisses, and I love you’s all around, my kids drift off to dreamland.

Sometimes, I do laundry, sometimes, I read, or watch a movie, sometimes, I’ll play a game.  And sometimes, I look at it all and say F THAT and go pass out.

passedout

So you see, my house gets cleaned in odd spurts, and rarely all at once.  I may get frazzled when I’ve spent the day cleaning and re-cleaning the same area 3 times or hearing the same songs in the car on repeat for 40 minute trips.  I look at the way the other two children I raised have so far, turned out… I remember that the early years are a messy time.  It gets better.  So what if the living room couch has no cushions on it because there is a fort built out of them?

I don’t like to be judged.  I spend time with my kids.  I make time with them.  When they aren’t in my care, I make time for everything else.  Sometimes it’s a juggle.  Sometimes, things come up, but in the end, it all balances itself.  Me taking a vacation will result in a more rested, happier mom.  And with xmas season being here now, it means more family traditions and more quality time.  Life balances things.

Ugh.  Thanks for letting me vent Neverland.  Love ya.  Need to run as someone had a nightmare.

Is it Thanksgiving yet?!

Jen1 Comment

palmtree_xmas

This time next week, I’ll be on my way to the airport.  OMG that feels amazing to say.  It’s finally here!  Rather than worry about possible weather delays – I’m only thinking about this trip as an adventure – whatever happens, I’m going to enjoy it.  🙂

My phone will remain in airplane mode the entire week – so that I can still use it to take photos.  I’ll turn on my signal to check in with my kids, but that is it.  I’m out.  🙂  I’m really (and perhaps oddly) looking forward to seeing palm trees decorated for the holidays.  I’ve never seen it in person before.  I’m loving the fact that I’m seeing a few houses with Christmas decorations up already.  I immediately squeal like a little girl when I see them.  I know – I’m a dork.  When I get back – I’ll have to get into the holiday baking, the making of homemade Kahlua – I think I found the perfect containers for this year, all the fun family Christmas traditions that really make it feel like a special holiday.  I could care less about the gifts and the commercial materialism.  Bring on the fun family experiences! 🙂 I’m definitely ready this year.

I’ve already started washing certain clothes and stacking them up with my suitcase.  Picked up all the little travel bottles of stuff I’ll need.  I love the anticipation of traveling.  The prepping and planning.  Putting aside certain things you know you’ll want or need to take with you.

I’ve been careful to give my kids as much attention and love as I can, and will likely heap on a bunch more before I go.  I think that’s the only part of this trip I won’t enjoy.  Leaving them behind and having to say goodbye for a week.  But… then again – I’m so excited to sleep in.  To not have to constantly negotiate with a toddler or preteen.  YES! 🙂

Hehe.  Just wanted to check in.  Been busy lately and haven’t had a moment to sit and write.  That’s something I look forward to getting in on this trip actually.  I’ve been writing in a journal by hand and need to transfer a bunch of it over to this blog.  As it is my preference to record it here.  Although it’s a little scarier sometimes to post here.  Everything you write, which in my case are the things I think and feel, out for the public to read and potentially judge.

I’ve had this blog up since Oct 2013.  I can’t imagine not having it now.  It’s been a source of comfort, of council, and of release.  I’ve read so many stories and moments from other bloggers that inspire me or make me feel less alone. I never expected to love my little online “community” as much as I do.  🙂 To my fellow bloggers – do you feel that way too?

Well – tonight I’m off to a comfy pajama party with another couple.  Complete with spiked hot cocoa and movies, leftovers and likely, popcorn.  🙂 Should be a fun, relaxed night.  I love those the best.  Does that mean I’m getting old?  Old woman in her early 30’s … yea right.  🙂

Goodnight Neverland.  Love you muchly.

lipstick kiss

UGH!!

JenLeave a comment

despair

My god, what was I thinking?!  Seriously??  I know what I was thinking.  And at the time, it was right.

What am I talking about?  The ex; choosing to have Ben against all the odds; the debt that now hangs squarely over my shoulders and mine alone.  And that’s really the kicker.  Alone.  I never thought this would be only on me.  I’d never have thought to think that far ahead.  I’d have never dreamed I’d be a single mom, trying to make it in this big bad world alone.  Alone.  God that word just pisses me off.  And it shouldn’t.  I have no qualms with being alone.  I crave my alone time just as much as the next person.  But to shoulder the responsibility of a choice.  A choice I made WITH someone else.  To tally up the money I’ve put towards paying off that enormous debt put me in a bit of shock yesterday.  So far, thanks to several garnishments, I’ve paid just over $30,000.  Holy CRAP!  And then to tally up what the ex has contributed.  $0.00.  How much has he contributed to the kids?  Same amount.  His was fairly easy to tally up, what can I say?

I got my bonus today.  I should be jumping up and down and excited as all hell.  But when I do the math, 75% of bonus was taken from me, either by the tax man or the garnishment man for Ben’s debts.  Seventy Five Percent!!!!!!!!!!  That pisses me off to no end.  I worked so hard for this.  To hit where I am, to make what I do; to have earned this bonus makes me so proud – and to not even see it, is frustrating.  It would be one thing, if the ex has helping.  If I could look at the debt and know that it doesn’t sit solely on me.  But it does.  He’ll never pay it.  I know this.  Doesn’t take a rocket scientist to understand exactly how selfish and uncaring he is.  He showed it plenty this weekend.

Logan was over this weekend.  Just for an overnight.  I’ve missed him, and we had a lot of fun hanging out.  But he shared some things with me that were concerning.  He wanted advice on how to approach the ex.  Apparently he’s tried to talk to him about it previously, but it backfired in his face.  I was torn.  Of course I want to help him.  But I knew that by speaking up, it would put me squarely in the enemy seat.  Not a place I like to be in with him.  I trust him as far as I could throw him.  Not very.  😛  But for Logan, I did it.  I don’t regret it, but it definitely took a massive toll on me.  Emotionally, physically… I was a wreck afterwards.  He said a lot.  Refused to hear what Logan was saying.  Got defensive.  Got angry.  Told Logan to talk to the ex’s new girlfriend about this stuff instead.  How can I explain that Logan wanted to talk to people who’ve been in his life longer than 5 months?  He wanted his father to hear him, and even I couldn’t get him to see or understand that.  Of course, it quickly derailed, he flipped it and made it all about what it wasn’t.  It took all that I had to keep the conversation on a mature level.  The ex would raise his voice, goad me into raising mine.  I only slipped up once and when I realized what I’d done, I apologized for raising my voice and simmered instead.  The man threw everything at me.  My vacations.  Ben.  My wages.  Every button he could push, he did.  Every crack or weakness or insecurity he could dig or poke at, he did.  Because Logan was watching from in the car, I held it together as best I could.  I walked straight into my room, laid on my bed and screamed into my pillow.  Cried from a dark horrible place I haven’t done before.  I don’t typically have issues with anger or frustration like that.  I’d almost qualify this as angry despair.  How does someone justify that kind of selfishness?  How can you stand there and break your son’s heart for no good reason?  How can you erase (or try) the son you had that passed away?  Did it all mean nothing to you?  Ever?  Did I?  That’s just it…. I didn’t.  Will I ever to someone?  Is or was it me?  Maybe I’m not meant to have a partnership?  Who’d want to anyway?  For dating, sure… but long term?  I’m not convinced.  What’s funny, I walked into the kitchen afterwards, and the bro had a drink poured.  It was 11 am.  And me, not being a drinker, happily took it and gulped it down…grateful for the burn that scorched it’s way down my throat.

T and I have spent the day cooking with the kids.  We both need to save money and stop eating out so much, so in order to motivate ourselves to do that, he brought groceries over and we both spent the day cooking meals we could freeze for later.  2 Lasagnas, 2 pot roasts, Beef Stew, Seafood chowder, and thai peanut chicken were all on the menu.  The house smells so good and it was a blast to shop, and cook together.  We’ve danced and played with the kids, made faces at each other, had a ton of fun actually. His presence has been a welcome uplift; a vacation away from yesterday’s drama and my stress over my bonus.  I’m so grateful to have him in my life.

I’m scared to rely on anyone.  I’m very much an all or nothing kind of girl, what’s mine is yours kind of thing but it seems that relationships these days don’t work that way.  There seem to be so many rules that I either don’t know, or don’t understand.  it’s an auto reflex for me to treat my relationships as I’ve always done.  Apparently tho, that’s not how these things work.  The person who cares the least, holds the power.  How much is too much to spend time together?  I’d hate to scare someone away when for me, I am just doing what feels right to me.  When do you know to move things forward to the next level?  Or do you?  My answer to that is to let others pave that path so to speak, they can set the pace, but that hurts a little at times too, when the pace isn’t quite what you’d set for yourself.  Sigh.  I’m feeling a bit lost.  It’s an odd learning curve, one that I’m really struggling to master.

I don’t know what the right way forward is for me right now.  I do know that I will figure it out, I always do.  I’m independent, will take care of my own.  I will learn to stop wanting a partnership and just do for myself.  I do anyway – not a stretch to turn the heart off and stop trying to save everyone all the time.  The problem is, I am not convinced that doing that is the right thing either.  Guess we’ll find out.  Much love Neverland.  XXO!

Insecurities and trust

JenLeave a comment

insecurity

I learned something very interesting about myself this weekend.  Grief brings out my insecurities.  It makes sense when I think about it.  When I’m grieving, I am in a very lost, lonely, sad kind of state.  That is typically when I feel like I need my support system the most.  It’s also when I feel guilt over needing my support system.  It feels needy and clingy and stupid. 

What I learned this weekend wasn’t that I’m insecure.  I already knew that.  🙂  What I learned this weekend is that sometimes, you have to learn to let go, and trust in those you love.  If someone tells you they love you, and they’ve done nothing to really make you doubt or deny that, then trust that they actually do love you as they say they do. 

I don’t know when I got to be like this.  Maybe they are a side effect of grief, or maybe I’ve always had issues with it in some respects.  I give love to others.  I’m generous (overly so in some cases), I go out of my way to make sure that the people I love KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that I love them.  And yet, I sometimes fail to recognize the love that others give to me.  It’s not done intentionally.  I would be devastated if someone I loved didn’t recognize that and feel that from me, and yet, sometimes, I don’t see it.  And I should.  How do you learn to see the love and affection that others give?  Is it because I’m so focused on making sure I don’t screw up that I fail to enjoy what’s given to me?  Ding Ding Ding!  Holy crap what a realization to come to.  Why do I do that?  I think … to be honest, I think it’s somewhat out of guilt.  I don’t feel that I deserve it, or I’m scared it’s going to go away.  I’m done being scared.  I want to love with all my heart.  I want to allow myself to be loved in return.  Because I deserve it.  Because I’m a good, honorable, passionate, smart, sexy woman who sometimes fails to recognize those traits in herself.  I’m worthy.  I swear, I need to write that somewhere I can see it every day. 

I.  Am.  Worthy. 

love

I’ve had some bad recurring nightmares in the last week.  I’ve also had a few good dreams, which is unusual and inspires a bit of hope in me that maybe the nightmares can be made to go away.  I’ve had nightmares since I was a kid.  My mother has very vivid dreams as well, so part of me wonders if dreaming is somehow hereditary.  One dream I’ve had for many many years involves everyone I know and love disappearing before my eyes.  I’ve always thought the meaning of that dream pointed to my insecurities, and my fear of abandonment, and I’m probably right.  This new dream, it involves the death of my children.  And I can point to grief on that, maybe a bit of PTSD after losing Ben, but I could also say that maybe I’m grieving something else too.  My friend R pointed out this weekend that perhaps, besides mourning the loss of my son, I’m also mourning the loss of a dream.  I sometimes look around me and think about how I never planned for this.  I never planned to raise my children alone.  I never planned to be a corporate career woman.  I never planned to be living with a roommate at 32, divorced.  According to R, I need to mourn the change of my vision for myself in the future, and then I may be able to move on and dream new things.  It’s not a bad idea.  I suppose that’s why I’m writing on the subject.  Usually, writing helps me process the things I’m working through in my head. 

What was my vision before?  To have a good job, be a amazing wife, be a good mom.  To be a family.  To be fiercely loved by those closest to me.  To feel inspired and happy.

Where am I now? 

I have a good job.  I’m a good mom.  We are a family.  I am fiercely loved by those closest to me.  I AM inspired and happy.   Well I’ll be…. 🙂  Maybe it’s not mourning that should be happening.  Maybe it’s celebrating.  6/7 items on my vision’s list are happening on a daily basis and I have achieved.  Why am I beating myself up then?  I’ve done it.  Ok so the painting doesn’t look QUITE as I’d imagined it 10 years ago.  But when you really look at it, I did get everything I wanted. 

It’s amazing.  It’s inspiring.  It’s refreshing to look at it in a different perspective.  I really beat myself up this weekend.  It was an emotional rollercoaster of a weekend, that I brought on myself.  And now that it’s over…. I can still say I had an amazingly good weekend, I got a lot of things accomplished that I needed to, AND… somehow, I’m starting a new week clearer.  A bit stronger.  Prouder.  A few years ago, a weekend of tears would have left me feeling pretty mad at myself.  Now?  I feel like maybe it was time.  It was needed.  And now, I can move forward again.  It’s unlike me to have such an emotional moment.  I don’t see it becoming a trend, but I’ll embrace this weekend for what it was.  Me getting much needed “stuff” out of my system in order to process it and learn from it.

Much love to you neverland.  Goodnight.  XXO!

rc