Tag: ramblings

Goodbye Self Doubt

Jen1 Comment

I had an interesting night.  I went to a party with “T”.  A house party.  Really cool bunch of people.  Mostly nerds.  🙂  I had moments where I was chatty and a total social butterfly and moments where I was a bit more quiet and off to the side… the wallflower.  Overall, I’d say I had a pretty decent mix.  I’m proud of myself for it.  Meeting and interacting with new people outside of work is hard for me.  I’m not sure why…but typically I’m too full of self doubt.  And just maybe not enough practice.  But tonight, I held my own.  Had people laughing, talked about languages and humanity, literary artists, comic artists, zombies, relationships, all were topics at hand.  In the last couple days, I’ve had a bit of a transformation that’s done me some good and it showed tonight.

I’ve been pretty sick and this last week was rough at work.  Lots of stress, lots of deadlines and a lot of visibility from leadership so the pressure is on.  I’m holding my own there too, but being sick and dealing with all of that took a toll on me.  I did something for me on yesterday.  I went shopping… bought a killer dress.  They always say a girl needs to have that one magic dress.  Where she slips it on and it hugs her in just the right places and feels silky smooth to where she feels almost sinful wearing it.  That with some strappy sandals and a new hairstyle (dark red hair with dark purple highlights… sounds odd i’m sure, but it REALLY looks awesome).  I love the new hair, although it’s also a little scary too.  I love it because it’s me.  It’s fiery.  It’s bold and vibrant.  It’s scary cuz that’s out for the world to see.  But I need this.  I feel more like me than I have in years.  The weightloss, the hair… I’m dressing better.  I feel like I have something to flaunt .. and I haven’t in years.  I FEEL sexy, and oddly, it must show because I’ve had 3 strangers hit on me or offer a phone number in the last couple of days.  It’s odd.  Maybe there’s something in the water.  I’ve politely declined them all, but happy for the ego boost I didn’t even know I really needed.

What is sexy?  I got to witness some interesting examples of how people interpret it tonight.  Really short summer dresses, jeans and a tshirt that reveals the shoulder, fishnet stockings and tutus and boots, catholic school girl uniforms that show all ass lol… I respect them all for the courage it takes to go to the extreme, especially from the plus sized girls.  BUT… I also realized something else tonight.  Looking at some of the girls tonight who were revealing so much… I could do that.  I could dress that way and actually probably look pretty good… but I kinda don’t want to.  Yea I liked wearing my dress to dinner the other night and feeling like a hot bombshell walking down the street…. but even my dress is classy.  I guess that’s my taste?  In the bedroom – sure, i’ll wear whatever you want… but out and about?  Meh.  I guess it depends on my mood…but I like to be able to control when I’m ogled.  😀  I’ll admit it though… there was a moment when those girls tonight, intimidated me a little bit.  I’m not like them.  Not sure I want to be.  I’m calm and chill.  I don’t party.  I don’t drink till i’m lying in the grass half passed out with my panties revealed to the world.  I’m more likely to explore the park or make a badass meal and play old school video games than I am to be getting shitfaced drunk.  Of course I get that it’s a holiday – and I get that these girls are young.  I guess it’s my age showing.  But I’m not THAT much older than they are.  I’ve been through more.. seen more of life.  I felt a little sorry for a couple of them at one point.  I don’t think it’s funny that you’re so drunk that you’re humping another girl on the grass with 10 men taking pictures and ogling.  Girl… you’re DRUNK.  When you get sober..and you see those photos all over the internet… then what?

This my body… it’s all I have.  And yea, it might be broken at times.  It might be pudgy in places still.  But damn… this body is a temple.  I’m starting to see just how beautiful and amazing this “temple” really is.  Only those whom I deem worthy get access to it. I don’t have a desire to flaunt.  I know what I have and who I am.

I had some great chats tho.  Heard some fascinating stories.  Of course, there are always the folks in the party you learn to steer clear of.  The overly persistent ones.  I ran into one of those tonight.  At first it was just good conversation.  But then it was whispers in the ear and an arm around me.  And then handing me his glass and demanding a fresh drink (I was in line at the bar).  I handled my own there too.  I said…”Honey, I’m not your bitch, you’re a grown man.  Get it yourself.”  Thankfully he then got distracted by a new friend asking him to do the bend and snap.  She winked at me and I was grateful for the escape. 🙂  There were a few times when I was grateful for “T” as he’d sidle up and be able to steal me away or steal the attention.  I like good conversation, I suppose I walked into it in the first place.  BUT… whispering in my ear in French because you know I speak it… yes I know what you said.  No I don’t think that line would work in English any better than it does in French.  And no… I wouldn’t go home with you….ever.  Sorry buddy.  Thankfully more women showed up and I made myself scarce and found a lovely spot to sit and watch the fireworks in the grass.

Overall, it was a lovely party.  A lovely night.  Hell – it was an awesome day all up, a great forth of July.  Goodnight neverland.   Sleep well when you get there.

XXO

Caring the least

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opinion-perspective-truth

Why do people care so much about what others think?  Why is it that we need that kind of validation?  Why give other people control of our own lives and destiny and happiness?  If you really think about it, it’s kind of a strange behavior.  We want so desperately to be happy and loved and successful … and yet… we hand over the control of those things to other people – maybe hoping that they’ll magically deliver the answers to these wants and needs wrapped in a pretty bow.  What’s even stranger is that so often, if you look at who we typically allow to weigh in on these wants and needs – they are people who don’t have it figured out for themselves.  What makes them experts, let alone experts in my life?  It’s a strange behavior.  In the end, all we have is what we make of it.  In the end, there’s a strong chance that the people we give that kind of weight to today, won’t even be around.  And yet, we still happily hand over the keys to our peace of mind and happiness to people who likely don’t really even know the inside of our hearts.  Want to know what I think?  I think it’s a lack of self esteem or self confidence.

I’ve made a pact with myself.  I’m not going to do this anymore.  I’m not going to look to others to validate my feelings or emotions, and I’m not going to look to others to validate my actions either.  I’m going to try and start taking people’s opinions with a bit more wariness.  Not because I don’t care about them, not because I don’t respect their opinions… but because I want to live my life.  I want to make my own mistakes and get a little messy on occasion.  Of course, there will still be moments I’ll go to others for their thoughts… but that’s just it.  It’s a thought.  From a biased person.  Everyone is biased in their own ways.  Everyone.  I’m a grown up.  I’ve worked hard to get where I am.  I make good choices more often than not.  I’m a good person.  I need to trust in myself, in the things I’ve learned, the lessons I’ve been taught.  I need to trust that it’s ok to not be perfect.  I also need to trust in my own emotions.

I read an article today that had a phrase that I’ve seen on the net and in the blogosphere.  In a relationship, the person who cares the least, has all the power.  What a load of crap that is.  I mean – yes – in many ways, I suppose it’s true; And how SAD is that?!  Why is it that people are so afraid of emotions and feelings?  What is this 1950?  Are feelings and emotions still too associated with being feminine?  I’d like to propose a re-wording of this phrase.  The person who cares the least will act as an anchor; and can slow/halt it’s course.  But the person who isn’t afraid … the person who lets themselves be real and open up and love… those are the people who give you wings, and if you let your fears down and relax … maybe they’ll teach you to fly.  I’m sick of being afraid.  You can’t die from a broken heart…so what’s everyone so afraid of anyway?

Hmm… that’s an interesting realization for me.  You can’t die from emotions.

You get divorced – knocks the wind out of you – makes you mad, makes you sad, makes you lonely and question everything about everything…. but it doesn’t kill you.  Perhaps at times you might wish it would – but it doesn’t.

Losing a child.  Worst pain ever.  You lose all sense of time and tense.  You have a child.. no had.. wait – but he’s still mine – so have.  You plan the future with your child in it – you lose them- now what… it’s a strange thing.  And because grief sneaks up on you unexpectedly at times, sometimes the loss will feel fresh as yesterday, and other times it fades and is just a memory of a very painful time.  But none of it kills you.

Losing friends or loved ones, losing jobs, fighting addictions…whatever the hurdle one must overcome… same thing.

Ok – so there’s no real BAD thing that can happen from embracing emotion.  What good can come of it?

Friendship, Love, companionship, respect, trust, happiness, peacefulness, Joy, Elation, understanding, strength, hope…..I could keep going. 

I think I’ll stick to sharing and embracing my emotions.  Showing my affection.  Not fearing the repercussions or heartache of losing someone who is too afraid or broken to open up too.

Off to bed now – as it’s 2:30am and I’m still up.  Nightmares tonight.  Going to snuggle back into my comforters, they smell good tonight…Comforting.  Safe.  Maybe I can bury myself in them and just dream sweet. Sigh…

Painting

JenLeave a comment

Holy cow, I feel good. Started a new piece tonight. Well, technically two, but got really far on one in particular.  Got all the base coats down, so now tomorrow, I can have fun shading and bringing it all to life.  It felt good. Turned up some portishead, left my phone on the opposite end of the house and lost myself in my creation.

It’s been a quite some time since I’ve done anything. I have to be in the right mood to want to get lost in a painting. I was worried I’d be a little rusty, but I think my eye has improved, because before my eyes, an amazing image began to form.

The second piece, I need to stew on a bit more. I kinda know what I want, but not entirely sure how to do it just yet. I will figure it out tho. 🙂 it involves painting glass and liquid…should be cool if I nail the right technique.

Baked cookies with the kids tonight. Sat and talked with Alayna. Cuddled with both the kiddos. I love our nightly routines.

Well, I stayed up too late painting…off to hit the sheets now. Night folks.

Stronger than hope.

Jen3 Comments

Poland

How to put into words what I feel.  How do you explain when sometimes it’s hard to even see them yourself, let alone to describe it.  It’s been an awesome weekend.  A little stressful here and there, but overall, an awesome weekend.  The bro and I were listening to music this morning and singing our hearts out to songs on random when a song came up.  One I hadn’t heard in a very long time.  And it hit me in a different way than it ever had before.  There I was, singing away and suddenly I choked up and my voice cracked and I had to run off to the bathroom to cry my eyes out in private and quickly wash away any evidence. 🙂

It was a song I’d listen to as a teenager, it was how I would define love.  It was a song that for a very long time, meant a lot to me.  Not for the music, but the lyrics.  But then life happened.  Divorce, heart break, betrayal, depression, pain, grief … these things change a person.  Whether you mean them to or not.  Hearing this song this morning made me mourn a little for the girl I was.  The one who was so naive in thinking that love was a fairy tale with a happy ending.  I love who I am today, please do not misunderstand.  I wouldn’t change it, me, or the direction I am heading, for anything.  And in some ways, I do believe I’m still that little girl who believes in magic and dreams, but now that little girl has grown up and has a foot firmly planted in the real world.   What struck me this morning though, was the change in how I took the lyrics of that song.  It used to be that those lyrics stood for how I felt about someone else.  How I’d want to treat someone else.  How they were to be treated as the most amazingly special person because they had my love.  But this time, I took the lyrics to represent me as well.  That maybe I too am the special one.  That maybe I’m worthy of love, not just giving it, but receiving it too.  That maybe love has to be nurtured and earned and tended to over the course of time by both parties, not just myself.

It’s funny how sometimes, life will come and smack you over the head when you least expect it.  It has been a day of introspection.  I’ve had this post saved as a draft and have been adding to it throughout the day.

After talking with a friend, I’ve been left thinking about the course life so often takes.  I have seen some of the greatest and deepest depths of depression.  I have ridden on the wings of the greatest joy and some of the most exhilarating inspiration.  Have journeyed across both rough waters and serenely calm ones. Over the course of time, there has been a balance … of both the high’s and lows of life.  Of pain and joy.  When you’re in it, it’s hard to see the bigger picture.  But when you can take a moment and center yourself, find a bit of clarity to see beyond the storm that rages around you for the moment, you see that it can’t storm forever.  And sunlight will break through eventually.  I’m enjoying the calm waters right now.  The clouds are starting to clear a bit, and beautiful rays of sunshine burst through the clouds.

And suddenly I know what it is.  It is hope.  Actually, it is stronger than hope.  It is the knowledge that there will be more.  Happiness and calm waters and joy are just around the bend.  I may get bogged down, or tossed about a bit by a passing storm or two, but I know I’ll get there.  I know I’ll see it, because I can.  Hope.

Of course, one can also hope that when I do find that bit of calm beach – there will be some umbrella laden drinks 😛

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