Tag: ramblings

It is mother’s day…

JenLeave a comment

Mom_throwawayAs of today, I’ve been a mother for 13 years.  I’ve been a mother to my daughter, I’ve been a step mother to my ex’s son, and I’ve been a mother to my two sons.  Funny, I’ve never considered mother’s day to be a day for me.  It’s always been a day to celebrate my own mother and grandmother, or the children’s grandparents.  Making a fuss over me, has never really been done and it’s just not something I even consider, let alone expect on this day.

And yet…

I am a mother.  A good one.  My children are people who I am incredibly proud of and enjoy not only looking after but befriending as they get older.  I can already see the types of people these children are going to be as they get older.

Being a mother is something I always knew I wanted to be.  I always wanted to have a larger family.  Heck, I wanted to be the stay at home who’d do all the crafts and baking and pillow forts and weird kooky science experiments.  Funny, when I look back – I had moments in my time as a mother on this planet where I did just that… and then again – I look at my time as a mom and realize just how different it all really turned out.

To Note: I’m not complaining in any way shape or form.. I am grateful for where I am in life.  I just think it’s interesting how much a person’s plans and dreams for the future change over the course of time.  Having a large family is just not in the cards anymore.  And I’ve come to terms with that as best as I could.  Besides… it kind of takes more than just me to have that kind of dream.  And I’d never dream of forcing my dream onto another.  I make the very most out of what I’ve got in front of me.  I’ve got 2 amazing children in my life full time, and 1 amazing (ex) step son who I see as often as I can.  And another waiting for me “on the other side”.  That can be enough.

Becoming a parent has truly been one of the most fulfilling, rewarding, amazing experiences I could have ever asked for.  Sure, there are moments when I’d like to run away with my hands covering my ears, screaming “La La La.. I can’t HEAR you!”  Especially when the 3 year old is going on and on with the “Mom, I want this, or Mom I want that.”  But then I look at my daughter.  She’s becoming a woman.  Not just a woman, but someone that I’d actually want to hang out with as a friend.  She’s someone who I can already sense is going to shift and shape the world under her own to feet.  She’s someone who questions the way the world works and why in way that shows me just how much she’s going to impact it.  I’m already filled with incredible pride over who she is and can’t imagine my life without her in it.

Today may be mother’s day… but really – it’s a day that I remember just how much I love my children.  What and who I’ve made sacrifices for.  Who I continue to find and build strength for.

The family that I love and adore.

lipstick kiss

Goodnight Neverland.  Much love.

Acceptance

JenLeave a comment

It doesn’t matter whether it’s a problem or challenge that is large or small…. once you can accept it, everything else is just cake.

cake

Acceptance.  It’s something I’ve been learning to work on over the years.  It’s something that I struggle with often.  I’m impatient.  But over the years, I’ve gotten a LOT better with it.  It’s something I’ve had to learn with Ben, it’s something I struggle to conquer on a daily basis with all sorts of things.  Work, bills, kids grades, relationships and friendships, roommates… any time there is stress or conflict, you have to come to terms with it.  Accept that it is what it is so that you can plan out how to tackle it and move forward.  If you find yourself facing a roadblock, yelling at it, or whining about it isn’t going to move it or get you around it.  It is simply there.  It took me many years, and friends speaking up to me for me to be able to see the problems with my ex, accept it, and get out.  It was only once I accepted it that I could plan and change.  And accepting it was a very scary proposition.  Although looking back – I think.. “WHY?!”  What the hell was there really to be scared about?  Was it just the unknown?  The potential stigmas and people who point out baggage?  Was it the loss of the dream?  Or was it my ego?

You see, I’m stubborn.  I was raised to believe that nothing is impossible.  That you never give in and you never give up.  So for me, coming to acceptance about a problem seems to take me a bit longer to do.  It feels a bit like giving in, or worse, quitting.  But sometimes, I forget that you could be wasting valuable time and energy fighting to push a boulder up a hill that you don’t need to push.  It takes lifting up and out of a problem to be able to see it though.  Get a better look at the bigger picture, and perhaps you’ll see that making a mountain out what is likely to be just a small mole hill and maybe you’ll stop being a slave to the boulder you push.

I am very open and tolerant and accepting of people.  I’m also very forgiving.  Forgiving doesn’t mean I forget, mind you.  It simply means that I’m willing to drop it and move forward.  It is my philosophy that you should go live your life, and I will live mine.  If our philosophy or outlook differs, no big deal, I will not judge you so long as you don’t disrupt mine too much.  I tend to get frustrated however, with road blocks that are caused by other people.  Live your life and be happy, so long as you aren’t hindering my ability to do the same.

Tonight, I realized that my frustration is stopping me from being able to move forward from it. And that my immaturity, and impatience is preventing me from seeing the big picture.  Now that I’ve accepted my issue for what it is… I’m figuring out a few back up plans to make sure everything will still work out.

Bring on the cake!

Goodnight Neverland.

lipstick kiss

Travelling

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I’m sitting at the airport in Boston. Waiting to take the second half of flights to go to St. Thomas.  I’ve had about 2.5 hours of sleep. Soooooo sleepy. But it’s pretty here. Snow is falling. Should be a lovely contrast to the warm tropical weather we are heading to.

My heart has been acting up a bit. Not entirely happy about that but whatever.  Guess I should be used to it by now.   I’m still a bit nervous for this vacation.  Not sure why. No reason to be. I guess I’m worried that I’m going to annoy T. He’s been a joy to travel with so far. I’d hate for me being tired, stupid or just me being me to somehow screw all of this up.

This is the first time I’ve wanted to go on a vacation with someone in this way.  I’ve vacationed with friends,  but not as a couple alone.  Have had a couple people ask if we’re honeymooners.  Awkward.  Nope. Just a trip. Who knows, maybe someday, but I get the impression that won’t even be in the cards with anyone for a long while yet.  I have mixed feelings about that.  Ugh. Guess we’ll see how it all goes. Fingers crossed for me?

No doubt,  I’ll check in again soon.

Insecurities and trust

JenLeave a comment

insecurity

I learned something very interesting about myself this weekend.  Grief brings out my insecurities.  It makes sense when I think about it.  When I’m grieving, I am in a very lost, lonely, sad kind of state.  That is typically when I feel like I need my support system the most.  It’s also when I feel guilt over needing my support system.  It feels needy and clingy and stupid. 

What I learned this weekend wasn’t that I’m insecure.  I already knew that.  🙂  What I learned this weekend is that sometimes, you have to learn to let go, and trust in those you love.  If someone tells you they love you, and they’ve done nothing to really make you doubt or deny that, then trust that they actually do love you as they say they do. 

I don’t know when I got to be like this.  Maybe they are a side effect of grief, or maybe I’ve always had issues with it in some respects.  I give love to others.  I’m generous (overly so in some cases), I go out of my way to make sure that the people I love KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that I love them.  And yet, I sometimes fail to recognize the love that others give to me.  It’s not done intentionally.  I would be devastated if someone I loved didn’t recognize that and feel that from me, and yet, sometimes, I don’t see it.  And I should.  How do you learn to see the love and affection that others give?  Is it because I’m so focused on making sure I don’t screw up that I fail to enjoy what’s given to me?  Ding Ding Ding!  Holy crap what a realization to come to.  Why do I do that?  I think … to be honest, I think it’s somewhat out of guilt.  I don’t feel that I deserve it, or I’m scared it’s going to go away.  I’m done being scared.  I want to love with all my heart.  I want to allow myself to be loved in return.  Because I deserve it.  Because I’m a good, honorable, passionate, smart, sexy woman who sometimes fails to recognize those traits in herself.  I’m worthy.  I swear, I need to write that somewhere I can see it every day. 

I.  Am.  Worthy. 

love

I’ve had some bad recurring nightmares in the last week.  I’ve also had a few good dreams, which is unusual and inspires a bit of hope in me that maybe the nightmares can be made to go away.  I’ve had nightmares since I was a kid.  My mother has very vivid dreams as well, so part of me wonders if dreaming is somehow hereditary.  One dream I’ve had for many many years involves everyone I know and love disappearing before my eyes.  I’ve always thought the meaning of that dream pointed to my insecurities, and my fear of abandonment, and I’m probably right.  This new dream, it involves the death of my children.  And I can point to grief on that, maybe a bit of PTSD after losing Ben, but I could also say that maybe I’m grieving something else too.  My friend R pointed out this weekend that perhaps, besides mourning the loss of my son, I’m also mourning the loss of a dream.  I sometimes look around me and think about how I never planned for this.  I never planned to raise my children alone.  I never planned to be a corporate career woman.  I never planned to be living with a roommate at 32, divorced.  According to R, I need to mourn the change of my vision for myself in the future, and then I may be able to move on and dream new things.  It’s not a bad idea.  I suppose that’s why I’m writing on the subject.  Usually, writing helps me process the things I’m working through in my head. 

What was my vision before?  To have a good job, be a amazing wife, be a good mom.  To be a family.  To be fiercely loved by those closest to me.  To feel inspired and happy.

Where am I now? 

I have a good job.  I’m a good mom.  We are a family.  I am fiercely loved by those closest to me.  I AM inspired and happy.   Well I’ll be…. 🙂  Maybe it’s not mourning that should be happening.  Maybe it’s celebrating.  6/7 items on my vision’s list are happening on a daily basis and I have achieved.  Why am I beating myself up then?  I’ve done it.  Ok so the painting doesn’t look QUITE as I’d imagined it 10 years ago.  But when you really look at it, I did get everything I wanted. 

It’s amazing.  It’s inspiring.  It’s refreshing to look at it in a different perspective.  I really beat myself up this weekend.  It was an emotional rollercoaster of a weekend, that I brought on myself.  And now that it’s over…. I can still say I had an amazingly good weekend, I got a lot of things accomplished that I needed to, AND… somehow, I’m starting a new week clearer.  A bit stronger.  Prouder.  A few years ago, a weekend of tears would have left me feeling pretty mad at myself.  Now?  I feel like maybe it was time.  It was needed.  And now, I can move forward again.  It’s unlike me to have such an emotional moment.  I don’t see it becoming a trend, but I’ll embrace this weekend for what it was.  Me getting much needed “stuff” out of my system in order to process it and learn from it.

Much love to you neverland.  Goodnight.  XXO!

rc

A Pact For Patience

Jen1 Comment

I feel like writing, but don’t want to go get my machine; my blankets have accepted me as one of their own. I’d hate to lose their trust, so please excuse any typos as this is from my phone.

I’ve come to an interesting realization tonight. Overall, if I look at the path I am on, its trajectory…I’m happy with what I see and the goals I’d like to accomplish (financial, career, land/house ownership, family, love). Do I falter sometimes? Oh my god yes. But even factoring in things like procrastination, a random illness or health problem, drama from outsiders…or worse family, friends and roomies, holidays, and schedules, and all of life’s interruptions from routine…I am happy with where I am going. I recognize that the pace with which I get there will ebb and flow. Sometimes progress will move at a snail’s pace, and other times, it will fly fast. 

Patience.  I must hold on to it with patience. Such an interesting statement coming from an aries like me.  When did I suddenly become a patient person?  If I look back, I always admired those who had it, but couldn’t quite find it myself.  And now?  I use it every day. With my children, especially the three year old who’s in a “testing” phase. With society, rude people or bad drivers etc. With coworkers and clients – oh how they can push me on my patience. With loved ones – hey, we all have bad days. I’d be willing to bet that there isn’t a single relationship of any type or form where patience wasn’t employed at some point in time.  I seem to have plenty of it to go around.  In fact, there’s really only one person I continue to lose my patience. One person who I don’t always have patence with.

Myself.

If I were someone else, giving me advice or perspective from an outsider, I’d say “Hey! You’re kicking ass! You’ve been happy! You’re not all the way there yet but look at the progress! Keep going!”

But I look at myself and think, maybe this, or what if that. The self doubt creeps in. And then suddenly, I’ve torn down a lot of that progress I’d worked so hard to make within myself. It’s a trap. The wrong kind of rabbit hole to fall down.  And I don’t know about you, but I’d rather make sure to fall down the good rabbit holes…new hobbies, adventures, businesses or projects.

In honor of all who wage war on themselves… I propose a pact. Together, we support one another to learn to have patience…with ourselves. To learn to embrace and work towards what lies ahead. Together. Who’s with me? 🙂

Goodnight neverland. XXO.