Tag: christmas

A lot on the mind today..

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Ever had one of those days where there is so much floating through the brain that you can’t even quite grasp a hold of a piece of it to fully analyze it?  That’s a bit where I’m at today.  Christmas is over, it came and went rather fast.  Was definitely an odd one, not bad, but different than the normal traditions.

My phone started blowing up around 9am on Christmas morning.  Texts from family, friends, old dates that I haven’t heard or wanted to hear from lol all wishing me a happy holiday and asking if I got everything I wanted.  Meh. do we EVER as adults? 🙂  And of course, there were the people who should have called or texted, and didn’t.  They never do.  My father being one of those people.  I decided this year, that I wasn’t going to call him.  It’s not that I don’t love the man.. I do.  But it’s a hurt love.  The kind where you know you shouldn’t – but you do.  You see, when I call him, I get guilted on why we never talk.  And yet, I always am the one to do the calling.  Apparently his phone only works one way.  I wanted to talk to my brother… but that means spending at least 20 minutes hearing Dad go all kissy kissy on the phone … saying how much he loves me and blah blah blah – yea ok dad.  I see you maybe 3 times a year if i’m lucky.  You know little to nothing about me, nor have you ever really cared to.  You flat out told me to my face growing up that you didn’t want to be my father, you’d rather be my friend.  And a lousy friend no less.  And aside from my ex, you’re probably the one man on the planet who’s done more emotional damage to me … the things you said after Ben passed away – all i can say is Fuck you and fuck off! 🙂  LOL.  But here I sit, feeling the old familiar guilt of being the bad daughter who didn’t call her dad.  Stupid guilt.

I didn’t hear from my best friend.  I don’t know that I can call him my best friend anymore.  I’ve reached out to him once a week for the last month or so; with only crickets for a response.  Did so again on christmas eve… thinking – well he might need space and distance from me – but it’s christmas!  Nope.  I hurt him.  Hard.  Didn’t mean to.  He wanted a lot more from me than I am or was capable of giving.  On that note… how do you mail a ring overseas?  I need to return it and feel like its so risky to send something so expensive and small via mail.  Sigh.  And quite frankly – I don’t handle distance well.  I miss him tho.  A 14 year friendship doesn’t just end over night.  At least not in my mind.  Maybe it wasn’t that big of a deal to him.  Who knows.  I wish him the best tho.  I really do.  I hope someday – he’ll realize that I wasn’t the girl for him anyway.  That I’ve always been his friend… and will always be rooting for him.  As a friend.

I’m also lost in thought about leaving my current job and starting my new one.  Feeling a mix of excitement and sadness from leaving some really cool team mates behind.  I just hope I can continue to wow them in the new gig.

I think I found a recording studio.  🙂  I used to be a singer.  Music was (and still is) very important to me.  I’ve looked for about a year to find a recording studio in seattle that will have the right musicians I could use to record some of my stuff before I “lose it”.  Would be nice to show my kids or grand kids someday “Look kids -your grandmother could bring people to tears with her voice once upon a time…” 🙂  I just hope it goes well.  I hate hearing myself over a recording.  It never sounds the same as it did from within my head.  Just need to figure out how many songs I want to capture.

Need to reclaim my house tonight when I get home.  It’s been taken over by the post holiday mess.  Should be good times! 🙂  Happy Thursday Everyone!!

The spirit of christmas

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christmas

I’m just not feeling it this year.  I’m trying.  I’m putting in my usual effort – sorta.  Only sorta.  It’s strange.  I’m THE Christmas girl.  I’m competitive with my mom over who’s tree is the prettiest. 🙂  I make gifts of cookies and home made Kahlua and pass them out to friends.  I once was a professional gift wrapper for a year in between jobs and am proud to be able to make some of the coolest looking presents on the planet.  The lady who taught me to make bows was a bow nazi.  Very strict and precise.  I’m grateful to her actually.  My bows will put Martha Stewart’s to shame.  🙂

This year, I didn’t do Kahlua.  I didn’t do cookies.  We didn’t go drive around look at Christmas lights, drinking peppermint cocoa and listening to Christmas tunes.  We didn’t go sit by the bonfire and watch the ships decked out in holiday lights listening to the choir sing, bundled up like that kid in a Christmas Story.  I put my tree up.  It’s lovely this year.  Best yet in fact.  I’ve wrapped most of my gifts, still need to finish up actually.  And everyone is being thoroughly spoiled, which is fantastic.  But that’s it.  No lights on the house.  I am definitely lacking in the Christmas spirit department, and unfortunately, it’s not something I can go pick up at the department store.  I don’t think I’ll find it hidden among the other goodies on aisle 5.

There are many reasons for my lack of spirit this year.  All are valid, and yet, I’m still confused by it.  Christmas is my favorite time of year.  A time when human light conquers dark.  I’m not religious, and I’m not speaking from a religious standpoint.  Some of my family are getting older.  We’ve already had a few ups and downs this year with them.  We’re keeping things low key this year.  And that is perfectly acceptable to me.  I’m feeling low key this year.  I had to buy my own gifts this year.  Honestly, I have every year for quite some time, but always put someone else’s name on the tag.  This year it was different.  Who do I put on the tag?  Myself?  It’s weird buying a gift for yourself.  I only picked up a couple of things, so I’d have something to unwrap while everyone else was digging into their piles.  A box of chocolates, a pair of gloves, and a candle holder that I couldn’t stop eyeing.  I don’t mind not having anything for me, I can buy myself what I want when I need to.  I just don’t want to feel the way I do about it.  Like somehow, others will look down on me, or feel sorry for me.  Look, there’s the fluffy who has no one.  But maybe that’s just what I hear in my own head.

There’s also been the challenge of trying to figure out who goes where and does what this christmas.  Navigating holiday time was already complicated, but now with an ex and a step son that I still have in my life, navigating this one has been tough.  I didn’t know what was appropriate as far as buying gifts for them.  I just went with my gut and then cut it down a little.  😀  Otherwise, knowing me, I’ll have gone overboard.

I was supposed to go see the christmas ships tonight.  The ex and I were going to go and see them, as it’s a tradition.  Just as friends.  But he’s sick, and none of us want to get it.  So I cancelled.  And I’m ok with that too.  I don’t know that I was in the mood to go.  I’m hoping I’ll find some christmas spirit here in the next day or so.  I love the magic that comes with christmas time.  I hope that it will somehow leave an imprint on me.  🙂

The week is halfway over!

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It’s slowing down at work.  It always does this time of year.  People busy bustling about, getting some last minute shopping done at lunch time, planning their vacations to visit family and loved ones.  It’s the one time of year that you get to get a glimpse into your coworker’s personal lives.  They come in and share stories of the christmas parties they’d attended, the gifts they agonized over picking out, the surprises they planned for their kids.  I love it.  There’s an energy in the air this time of year that almost sizzles with anticipation.  Mix that with the twinkle lights, tinsel and snow – and what you’re left with is magical. 

I’m determined to inject as much of this lovely magic into my daily routine as I can between now and new years.  Maybe if I’m lucky, some of it will hang around even longer. 🙂

Happy Wednesday Everyone!

 

Happiness, it seems, is just outside my window

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Window

Amazing.  Sometimes, life will throw a curve ball your way, and instead of faltering, or missing the swing, sometimes, you nail it out of the park.

That is how I feel today.  I feel like somehow, with everything I’ve had thrown at me this year, I’m watching as the ball i’ve just hit is sailing out of the park in all it’s glory.  It’s quite a euphoric feeling.  Pride, in knowing how far I’ve come, anticipation of the amazing things that are sure to follow.  Trepidation, the last thing I want to do is somehow screw this up.  I haven’t felt truly happy in a really long time.  And suddenly, that’s where I am at.

Grayson, my son, woke up way too early this morning.  He’s 2, and so he’s hard to convince that it’s not time to wake the whole house up and watch dragons on TV.  I pulled him into my bed and rubbed his back until he fell back asleep.  He scootched closer to me in his sleep and put his hand on my cheek.  So sweet.  I heard him sigh, say “I love you momma”, and then drift back to sleep.  Then I followed.  My alarm didn’t go off.  I’m NEVER late.  But this morning, it didn’t have me flustered.  The bliss of an early morning cuddle had made it so that I didn’t care about any of the other BS.

I had an amazing weekend.  Did a little Christmas shopping.  Went hot tubbing – oh man did my body appreciate the hot water of that tub.  🙂  Played some games with my bro.  Overall, just had a good, restful couple of days.  Managed to pull together the perfect gift for someone, and when I found out they’d had a rough day on Sunday – drove over to their house to drop it off.  It wasn’t quite the way I’d intended on giving it to them.  There was little to no ceremony about giving someone a gift in the parking lot of their apartment complex.  I didn’t even get to see them open it, but the text I received a bit later showed me I’d made the perfect choice.  I love giving people gifts.  Hell, I love to spoil people.  I do it as often as people will let me.  But, that said, I’ve never really had it in return.  I think receiving gifts might feel awkward.  I don’t really know.  LOL.

I gave notice at work last week.  2 weeks and I’ll be out of here.  I’ll take a week off in between leaving here and starting my new amazing job.  I’m so excited for this new job.  It’s a decent raise from what I’m making now which is always a plus, and I’m being given a bit more latitude.  I’ll get to build my own team.  Manage the future of a very complicated system and product.  I worked for Microsoft for 3 years, and was nervous when I left.  Now that I’m returning, It feels a little bit like coming home.  I’m so pleased.  I get to have an office again.  Still have my mini fridge and bar and all the office furniture I had before stored in my garage.  Will be nice to set it up again, and get out of the cube farm i’m in now.  Now if I can just fight the short timer mode i’m feeling for the next two weeks. 🙂

Hope you all are having a lovely week.