What a day.  I’m flat out wiped.  And oh so ready for bed, but I wanted to let some of what is in my head out on to the page.  I was up at 6, got the kids ready to go to the zoo with Grandma and Grandpa.  Grayson has been a constant bundle of energy the last few days.  Being 3, he quickly wears us all out.  But I remember this stage with the mini-me.  Heck, and Logan, my step son as well.  We’ll get through it.  Went to work and had quite a few battles and challenges laid at my feet.  Ok, more than a few, and there was a moment, about half way through a 4 hour meeting when I wanted to stand up and question the sanity of some of the folks in the room, but I’ll figure this out.  I always do.  Somehow.  I tend to be the first person to doubt myself, but I refuse to do so this time.  I’m making leaps and bounds within myself.  I bet from the outside, it doesn’t appear that way.  But it’s true.

I’ve been worrying over something the last few days.  I knew I needed to broach a subject with the bro and I’ve been really procrastinating about doing it.  I didn’t want to start a fight.  I try very hard to maintain a drama-free world, when it’s in my power to control.  I’ve spent a few days trying to plan out how I wanted to talk to him, how best to approach him to keep him from getting defensive or upset.  I talked with my parents about it when I went to pick up the kids.  What is “it” you’re probably wondering?  I have to remind myself that this is my honest zone.  My one place I’ve deemed safe…that if I can’t do this here, who or where can I?  Sigh.

I’ve been feeling used.  In a big way.  And it’s coming from a couple of sources.  The ex and the bro.

The ex – I try and remember the source.  Yes, his new button he’s enjoying pushing surprised me a bit.  Apparently, now I’m not giving enough.  I argued too much.  Oh – and everything he said or did while on alcohol?  It doesn’t count if he makes his amends.  Therefore I have no choice but to forgive.  And believe me when I say, I actually am working on that.  Forgiveness doesn’t come easily, but I am learning how to move forward.  I’m proud of that.  Fiercely proud of that.  I asked him to contribute towards daycare tonight.  If I’m going to put the lil’ man into daycare/preschool, it would be nice if the financial burden didn’t rest solely on my shoulders.  I’m not asking for half, I knew he wouldn’t go for it, but I did ask that he cover the cost for 1 day each week.  That seems quite reasonable to me.  Thankfully, he didn’t feel like arguing me on it.  Although who knows what will happen once the bill actually starts coming in.  But I’ll cross that bridge later.

The bro, my roommate.  Sigh.  In some ways, he does a lot around here.  But in other ways, meh.   I pay for everything he wants (within reasons) or needs.  I’ve lent him my vehicles for transportation, have taken him on trips, paid for his medications and habits.  The situation with him is tricky for me, because I love the guy.  NOT in a romantic sense.  My god – ew no.  I swear we were siblings in another life.  He’s been there for me when no one else was, many, many times.  Although during those times, I also helped and provided for him too.  But I’ve heard from a couple of sources lately that he’s been talking negatively behind my back.  The sources aren’t 100% reliable, so I don’t really know what to think.  One warned me that the bro is “playing both sides”.  I don’t know how to feel about that.  Part of me feels really, really hurt.  Part of me is mad at myself.  I am perfectly capable of not having a roommate and doing this on my own.  I don’t have to help him as much as I do, but why not?  I have so much, and he has so little.  And he’s my friend.  Isn’t that what friends are for?  To help you when you fall?  To motivate you when you need a little push?  I know that other people think I’m being used.  And sometimes, I admit, I feel that way too, but not all the time.  My mom wanted me to give him notice.  30 days.  My step dad disagreed with her.  He understood.  I can’t do that.  If that makes me naïve or silly or stupid, so be it.  But I knew I needed to talk to him about it.  We’ve gotten pretty good with our communication lately.  I came home and broached the subject.  Wasn’t hard, as he could tell something was up, it was written all over my face.  Apparently my face is more expressive than I realize.  I told him that while I appreciate all that he’s done to help me here.  I need to take control back of my own life.  I need to get my lil’ man into preschool and get him up to speed, he needs the social interaction.  I said that I’d help continue to guide him with freelance so that he could earn an income.  Give himself a start.  I won’t do it for long, but I can’t just drop him either.  It went really well.  He seemed to understand the gravity of the situation.  He denied having talked badly (of course) but he knows my blinders are off and I’m sure will be hesitant to cause much drama right now.  He talked about his plans moving forward.  I’ve seen a lot of motivation and work from him lately in the design aspect of things.  I think he’s got a fire under his butt.  It’s encouraging.  I just hope it holds.

Funny, I’ve been on both sides of the pendulum swing when it comes to communication and conflict.  When I was young, I had quite the mouth on me.  I was loud.  I loved to debate.  I could argue circles around anyone, and found it fun to push people’s buttons.  As I got older, and life threw tests my way, I swung the opposite end of that swing.  I avoided conflict.  I got quiet. During conflict, I’d go almost submissive. Others knew something was wrong if I’d go quiet.  Now a days… I feel like I’ve landed in a really healthy place.  Conflict still makes me nervous.  And I do everything I can leading up to it, to prevent or cool it down… But I push myself to speak up.  To stay calm, to try and keep others calm, but to still try and communicate what’s bothering me.  It’s not always easy… hell, sometimes it may take me a day or so to build up the courage, but doing this, my relationships with others are healthier, and I feel like my needs and opinions are at least heard.

Growth.  Evidence of my self change.  Looking back at the last 2 years, I’ve grown and changed so much.  I’m not a doormat anymore.  Or … at least I seem to be pulling myself up so that I’m not going to be anymore.  But I’m not a rude, cold bitch about it either.  Kindness, firmness, love, positivity, grace….. I embrace those qualities as often as I can.  I’m damn proud of myself tonight.  Even though I am exhausted.  Even though I haven’t figured out everything that’s laid at my feet.  I’m still leaving today’s battlegrounds feeling victorious.

Tomorrow, I’ll put my war paint back on and wage my battle cry.  🙂  Is it odd that sometimes I imagine everyone as orcs (hence the war paint and battle cry’s).  Now that would be an interesting comic.  Orcs waging war from the cubicle.  😀  Ok, enough of my random thoughts.

Goodnight neverland.  Much love.  XXO!