Sunday night thoughts

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Tonight I spent some time quietly just sitting and reflecting.  Truthfully, I don’t do this enough.  It has been a busy weekend.  We had friends and their children stay the weekend with us.  I don’t think the house has ever had that many people in it, let alone sleeping in it.  It was a lovely weekend, high in energy.  Today, some friends came over for a visit, we watched movies and played Uno.  It was a lovely way to finish out the busy weekend, but I think what really helped to calm and center me was simply to light a few candles and sit cross-legged on my couch and just be in the moment.

It’s interesting, society spends so much time trying to distract themselves from living in the moment.  Movies, video games, social media, food, alcohol, drugs…. all of these things we use to disappear into.  Trying desperately to fill a hole in their lives that they may not even fully realize is there, let alone have the know-how on filling it.  It would be a lie to say that I’m not one of those people.  But every now and then, typically after I’ve had a loud, overstimulating few days, I have to just stop everything and just breathe.

I think I know how to fill it.  I think it comes with time and age, and just learning to understand who you are at the core of your being.  And accepting it for what is. But I’m also good at trying to fill a void.  🙂  And there are a few for me… more than a few.  I have a rich and full life.  A wonderfully large family, whom I see often, a variety of friends who are as near and dear to me as family should be, I have my children who I have very close relationships with… even loving pets whom I adore.   And yet, sometimes, I’m lonely.  It’s silly really – as I rarely have alone time, so how on earth can one feel lonely… but it’s the honest truth.

I spent some time thinking about that too tonight.  Why do we desire to share our lives with someone else… especially when we think about the fact that the journey we each walk down is ours and ours alone.  So logically, if that’s the case, then you will never truly be able to share your life with someone.  OR… I suppose you could look at it the other way – you share your life with anyone and everyone who touches it… to what degree and the depth that you share will vary and depend on a variety of variables.  My god I sound like an engineer.  I know, I overthink everything! 🙂

I’ve been in the new house almost 3 months now.  It’s amazing how time flies.  Sometimes it feels like I’ve been here so much longer than that, and other times, it feels like it was just yesterday that we moved in.  I think a part of that is just because of the swirl of other tests life has thrown at me since we got here.  I’m so proud to be here.  To own my own place.  I have a solid plan in motion on getting it paid off, and in a few years, I intend to invest in something additional – either property or business-wise.  It’s fun, knowing that those goals are not only in front of me, but very much attainable.  🙂

I’m looking forward to the summer.  Between my little garden (next year’s will be bigger if I have anything to say about it), my art, my children, my work and my new kayaks… I think the summer days will be quite filled with a lot of fun.

I’m building a full on art studio in my house.  It’s been quite a thrill so far to start putting together.  When I’m finished, I think I will finally have my dream studio space.  It’ll take me a couple of years to really get it where I want to, but I will get there.  🙂  I’m even making one of the rooms a photography studio – something I’ve been dreaming of having for about 5 years now.

Little pieces of my life, long-loved interests and hobbies are all finally starting to come together and find a place in my life.  It’s interesting to me.  I’d never have guessed that it would take me risking everything and breaking out on my own in order to find confidence in being myself.  At my core, I always saw myself as being fairly confident… but it’s only the last 5 months or so that I really feel like I’ve come into my own.  I see myself now.  All of me.  Not just the good parts and not just the bad.  I care about my own well-being.  Funny, I think I’d stopped.  Maybe I had given up?  Maybe losing Ben and my husband and my family and my friends did more to me than I gave it credit for.

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In the last few weeks, I feel a bit like Andy, from the movie “The Shawshank Redemption”; when he climbs out of the sewer pipe and strips himself from the final rags from the prison and just stands in the pouring rain, drinking it all in.  Living life, even with all the scary parts, with all the pain, or insecurities, the grief, … is a spectacular thing.  I wouldn’t give up a single moment of it.  And I refuse to be one of those people who sit by and just accept the monotonous daily grind… especially when adventures can begin anywhere with anything.

My daughter is learning about gardening this year.  She has a few plants that she is growing all on her own, and even something as simple as a strawberry plant… watching it grow from seed to plant, growing and tending it, and now… the joy of the first few berries… has been an adventure for us all.  Researching a new subject for a painting or cartoon is an adventure.  Going on a weekend to explore a new city is an adventure.  Exploring the nearby lakes with my new kayak, all the wildlife and amazing scenery – these are all the adventures I’ve got going on in my world these days.  And it’s these types of adventures… that continue to fuel me and bring me so much happiness.

So to you, Neverland, go have an adventure this week.  I know I will.  🙂

lipstick kiss

Never fear! Anxiety is here!! Wait…

Anxiety

I’m nervous.  I’ve been fighting some strange tummy troubles in the past month and a half.  I’ve been in and out of the ER twice, seen my doctor twice, and was referred to 2 specialists.  The original plan was to go, in mid November, for a couple of procedures that would “give us the answers”.  Yesterday, my specialist called me and they felt it was necessary to get me in for an emergency appointment for both of the procedures.  So suddenly, I had to clear my calendar for friday and start the prep needed to do the procedures.  (Endoscopy and Colonoscopy… EW)

On one hand, I’m relieved.  The idea of getting answers to this month long miserable journey is fantastic!  It means that perhaps … relief from these symptoms is just around the corner.

On the other hand…

My doc sat me down in her office.  Laid out some of the possibilities they’re leaning towards.  They range from mid-level-scary to freak-me-out-scary.  Obviously, I’m hoping it’ll be something simple and easy.  I’ve been good at squashing the side of me that loves to stick her head in the sand.  I’ve been doing everything I’ve been told to do by the doctors.  I’m trying so hard to stick with it and not get discouraged or distracted.

What if they do these things tomorrow and still find no answers?  What if they find something scary?  What if I somehow screw up and they can’t even do the test?

Yesterday was Ben’s birthday.  A time of year when I’m a mess anyway.  When I got this phone call – it was first with a push to go back to the ER.  I cried and begged to not be made to go back there.  Not on that day.  The last place on the planet I wanted to be yesterday was at a hospital.  So instead, they squeezed me in to see my doc.  I had the anesthesiologist pre-op appointment.  I came home and tried to just stay calm.

Today – things erupted at work.  Stress is high.  There’s too much work to do, not enough people to do it and not nearly enough time.  It’s not ideal.  I managed as best as I could.  I’m hoping they remain understanding tomorrow when I’m unavailable.

I’m trying to remember that life doesn’t give you more than you can handle.  And that the perspective of exactly what we can handle will change.  I might not think I can handle it – but in 6 months when I look back, I’ll see how strong I am.

T said that to me yesterday.  How strong I am.  How I just keep moving and barrel through.  It struck me as a bit odd.  He sees that as such a feat of accomplishment.  I see it as an automatic.  What else are you going to do when facing a problem?  There’s only one solution – you tackle it.  How you tackle it might vary and change, but ultimately – you have to move forward or step back.  I suppose you could say I don’t typically enjoy states of limbo.  Is that a strange view to have these days?  Seems perfectly normal to me, although, to be honest, my normal meter has got to be at least a little bit broken.

Well – I better get off here and go get a few things done.  Much love to you.  Goodnight Neverland!

lipstick kiss

Go Away

selfdoubt

Why can’t my own stupid self doubt just go away?  I mean, seriously?!  You rear your stupid ugly head when I least expect it.. when it’s the last thing on the planet I want.

I’m always so worried about what other people want, what will make them happy or content.  But so often, I find myself wondering if that’s just dumb?  If something is wrong, or if someone is upset about something, perhaps what I really need to do is wait and trust that when they’re ready – they’ll come talk to me.  Rather than bugging them to tell me.  Perhaps the right path is really to just continue to enjoy the blissful happiness that my home life has become.  And truly, it really has become just that.  Perhaps the reason I don’t do that, or at least haven’t been able to is because somewhere in my twisted brain, I think that if I allow myself to just embrace my own happiness, that I’ll be blind sided and not see something horrible if/when it comes along.  But living in doubt, or fear of a “what if” is just plain silly.  Not to mention, living in that fear and doubt prevents me from truly experiencing that over the top happiness that I so desperately seek.

My family got a dog today.  He’s so cute.  He’s an older dog.  We adopted him from a local shelter.  I think he’s going to make an excellent member of the family.  And that has me so overjoyed.

The house is coming together beautifully.  I put up some pictures today that really made me smile.  I have so much planned out for the next few weeks that I’m off.  More art going on the walls, going to tackle a bunch of gardening, even attempt to refinish some furniture.  It’s going to be epic!  🙂  And it’s so nice to have a break from work.  To not have to do anything for the job that I don’t want to do.

Tomorrow, I’ve got a few fairly major things to take care of.  One in particular, I’m pretty dang nervous about.  My only hope is that it turns out the way I need it to.  That’s just how it has to be.

Goodnight Neverland.  Talk soon.

My advice for you? Worry less.

worry

They say “With age, comes wisdom.”  And I’ve heard it said, that with pain and loss, comes age.  So I suppose that means, emotionally, I’m old.  And most of the time, I’d disagree with that statement, but there is one area of life that through my experiences, I’ve learned to let go of.  I used to worry and stress about the little stuff.  Paying a bill, cleaning a room, a regular chore or responsibility that was required of me, a customer at work or a coworker or boss who’s being unreasonable.  Month after month, I’d stress over something.  And you know what?  Somehow, I always made it work.  Life works out in the way it’s meant to.  Over time, I’ve stopped stressing as much about the little things.  It’s those kinds of little things that really, in the scheme of things, don’t matter.  10 years from now, you won’t look back and say OMG, in October of 2014 I couldn’t pay this bill.  No way.  And if you fill your days worrying about that little stuff, you’ll stop enjoying the things that make this life worth living!  I look at a few of  my friends and wonder if it’s unfair that I feel this way.  Yea ok, from a money standpoint, I really don’t worry about much, so that puts me into a different perspective that I’m sure others would say means I don’t count… but it’s not like I haven’t been there.  Eating ramen noodles instead of food so my kids could have a balanced meal.  Stressing over how I’d give them a Christmas.  There were more than a few times I’d be so wrapped up in my stress or worry, that I’d miss out on some of the joys I was being handed in those moments.  And you can’t get them back.  I’d rather throw my hands up and give in to the knowledge that I’ve done all I can… and it will be what it will be.

That is my advice to you, dearest Neverland.  Worry less.  Live more.  Cuz this?  This is what we get.  We get this one shot to be who we want to be.  It disappears in the blink of an eye.  What do you want to look back and remember?

Communication and self change

exhausted

What a day.  I’m flat out wiped.  And oh so ready for bed, but I wanted to let some of what is in my head out on to the page.  I was up at 6, got the kids ready to go to the zoo with Grandma and Grandpa.  Grayson has been a constant bundle of energy the last few days.  Being 3, he quickly wears us all out.  But I remember this stage with the mini-me.  Heck, and Logan, my step son as well.  We’ll get through it.  Went to work and had quite a few battles and challenges laid at my feet.  Ok, more than a few, and there was a moment, about half way through a 4 hour meeting when I wanted to stand up and question the sanity of some of the folks in the room, but I’ll figure this out.  I always do.  Somehow.  I tend to be the first person to doubt myself, but I refuse to do so this time.  I’m making leaps and bounds within myself.  I bet from the outside, it doesn’t appear that way.  But it’s true.

I’ve been worrying over something the last few days.  I knew I needed to broach a subject with the bro and I’ve been really procrastinating about doing it.  I didn’t want to start a fight.  I try very hard to maintain a drama-free world, when it’s in my power to control.  I’ve spent a few days trying to plan out how I wanted to talk to him, how best to approach him to keep him from getting defensive or upset.  I talked with my parents about it when I went to pick up the kids.  What is “it” you’re probably wondering?  I have to remind myself that this is my honest zone.  My one place I’ve deemed safe…that if I can’t do this here, who or where can I?  Sigh.

used

I’ve been feeling used.  In a big way.  And it’s coming from a couple of sources.  The ex and the bro.

The ex – I try and remember the source.  Yes, his new button he’s enjoying pushing surprised me a bit.  Apparently, now I’m not giving enough.  I argued too much.  Oh – and everything he said or did while on alcohol?  It doesn’t count if he makes his amends.  Therefore I have no choice but to forgive.  And believe me when I say, I actually am working on that.  Forgiveness doesn’t come easily, but I am learning how to move forward.  I’m proud of that.  Fiercely proud of that.  I asked him to contribute towards daycare tonight.  If I’m going to put the lil’ man into daycare/preschool, it would be nice if the financial burden didn’t rest solely on my shoulders.  I’m not asking for half, I knew he wouldn’t go for it, but I did ask that he cover the cost for 1 day each week.  That seems quite reasonable to me.  Thankfully, he didn’t feel like arguing me on it.  Although who knows what will happen once the bill actually starts coming in.  But I’ll cross that bridge later.

The bro, my roommate.  Sigh.  In some ways, he does a lot around here.  But in other ways, meh.   I pay for everything he wants (within reasons) or needs.  I’ve lent him my vehicles for transportation, have taken him on trips, paid for his medications and habits.  The situation with him is tricky for me, because I love the guy.  NOT in a romantic sense.  My god – ew no.  I swear we were siblings in another life.  He’s been there for me when no one else was, many, many times.  Although during those times, I also helped and provided for him too.  But I’ve heard from a couple of sources lately that he’s been talking negatively behind my back.  The sources aren’t 100% reliable, so I don’t really know what to think.  One warned me that the bro is “playing both sides”.  I don’t know how to feel about that.  Part of me feels really, really hurt.  Part of me is mad at myself.  I am perfectly capable of not having a roommate and doing this on my own.  I don’t have to help him as much as I do, but why not?  I have so much, and he has so little.  And he’s my friend.  Isn’t that what friends are for?  To help you when you fall?  To motivate you when you need a little push?  I know that other people think I’m being used.  And sometimes, I admit, I feel that way too, but not all the time.  My mom wanted me to give him notice.  30 days.  My step dad disagreed with her.  He understood.  I can’t do that.  If that makes me naïve or silly or stupid, so be it.  But I knew I needed to talk to him about it.  We’ve gotten pretty good with our communication lately.  I came home and broached the subject.  Wasn’t hard, as he could tell something was up, it was written all over my face.  Apparently my face is more expressive than I realize.  I told him that while I appreciate all that he’s done to help me here.  I need to take control back of my own life.  I need to get my lil’ man into preschool and get him up to speed, he needs the social interaction.  I said that I’d help continue to guide him with freelance so that he could earn an income.  Give himself a start.  I won’t do it for long, but I can’t just drop him either.  It went really well.  He seemed to understand the gravity of the situation.  He denied having talked badly (of course) but he knows my blinders are off and I’m sure will be hesitant to cause much drama right now.  He talked about his plans moving forward.  I’ve seen a lot of motivation and work from him lately in the design aspect of things.  I think he’s got a fire under his butt.  It’s encouraging.  I just hope it holds.

calvin_yell

Funny, I’ve been on both sides of the pendulum swing when it comes to communication and conflict.  When I was young, I had quite the mouth on me.  I was loud.  I loved to debate.  I could argue circles around anyone, and found it fun to push people’s buttons.  As I got older, and life threw tests my way, I swung the opposite end of that swing.  I avoided conflict.  I got quiet. During conflict, I’d go almost submissive. Others knew something was wrong if I’d go quiet.  Now a days… I feel like I’ve landed in a really healthy place.  Conflict still makes me nervous.  And I do everything I can leading up to it, to prevent or cool it down… But I push myself to speak up.  To stay calm, to try and keep others calm, but to still try and communicate what’s bothering me.  It’s not always easy… hell, sometimes it may take me a day or so to build up the courage, but doing this, my relationships with others are healthier, and I feel like my needs and opinions are at least heard.

changemyself

Growth.  Evidence of my self change.  Looking back at the last 2 years, I’ve grown and changed so much.  I’m not a doormat anymore.  Or … at least I seem to be pulling myself up so that I’m not going to be anymore.  But I’m not a rude, cold bitch about it either.  Kindness, firmness, love, positivity, grace….. I embrace those qualities as often as I can.  I’m damn proud of myself tonight.  Even though I am exhausted.  Even though I haven’t figured out everything that’s laid at my feet.  I’m still leaving today’s battlegrounds feeling victorious.

Tomorrow, I’ll put my war paint back on and wage my battle cry.  🙂  Is it odd that sometimes I imagine everyone as orcs (hence the war paint and battle cry’s).  Now that would be an interesting comic.  Orcs waging war from the cubicle.  😀  Ok, enough of my random thoughts.

Goodnight neverland.  Much love.  XXO!