A sense of self


It will soon be 1am.  I should be sleeping.  Instead, I’m sitting here writing.  The room is dark; the only light being the soft blue emanating from the screen.  I have so many thoughts swirling through my head.  It leaves me no choice but to let it out.  And this is my safe zone.

I haven’t been sleeping very well this week.  It’s likely a combination of things.  The summer heat, a sore ankle, worrying over work or personal life kinds of things.

I had a good day at work, after a long week of exhausting, mind boggling days.  My kids were happy when I got home and excited for weekend plans with their dad.  My friend, R was having a rough day, so she and I made plans to hang out.  Her rough day stemmed from some issues involving family and because of it, she’s struggling with a momentary lapse of self, and self worth.  I did my best to continue to cheer her up and keep her focused on other things in between phone calls. I pointed out her weight loss, she’s looking good!  I continued to remind her of how far she’s come in the last 6 months and that she shouldn’t let anyone strip that away or pull her down now that she’s come so far. She was worried that her family would think a certain way.  I flipped it on her.  I said “Ok, poof, wish granted.  Now they think that way.  What now?  Does it change who you are or what you want?  No?  Quit worrying about it then.”  I asked her about some of her dreams for her future.  She then turned them into goals in chunks – 3 month, 1 year, and 5 year.  I was proud of her, I watched her get into action mode a bit.  You could see that she was motivated again to keep going.  I gave her hugs and didn’t walk back through my door until 11:30.

I need to listen to my own advice.  I struggle with my own lapses of self worth.  Sometimes, I look at myself, who I am, how far I’ve come, and I’m extremely proud.  It is in these moments that I feel a great sense of value.  But sometimes, I have moments when my sense of self drops.  Maybe it’s me overthinking things.  Maybe it’s being tired and drained and just being dumb.  I have had a few of these kinds of moments lately.

I bought a gift (off Etsy) for someone, and suddenly, I’m kind of terrified to give it to them.  You see, when I ordered it, I had the option to personalize it.  I took advantage of it and wrote something sweet.  I didn’t put a lot of thought into the personalization because I wasn’t expecting it; so I just went from the heart, as a good gift should be.  Today, it arrived.  I opened it and was a bit surprised.  I didn’t spend a lot of money on it, and the quality is amazing.  On one hand, I’m extremely pleased with that… but on the other, it, along with the personalization, might make my gift come across in a different manner entirely.  Hence my sudden trepidation about giving it.

On the way home, I was thinking about who I am.  I fit the Aries description perfectly.  I’ve worked hard over the years to conquer certain aspects of my sign that I thought were too abrasive, overbearing or immature; and somewhere along the line, I feel like I lost a little of my edge too.  It’s been coming back bit by bit in some ways, but it’s my fears and worries, my insecurities that hold me back. Sometimes in life, you have to be willing to take the leap off the side of the cliff.  It’s scary, but you have to make the decision to either leap or go home.  I remember feeling that way when I started my company.  I felt that way when I had my kids.  I have felt that way with test runs of prototypes at work.  I felt that way when I decided to divorce my ex. I’ve made hundreds of proverbial “leaps”, and yet, sometimes, I still trip myself up. I want to re-embrace the edgier side of me again.  It’s time to get motivated.  To get into high gear and move forward. I’m a dreamer.  A visionary.  I set goals and I work my ass off to achieve them.  There isn’t a doubt in my mind that I can’t do it.  I’m going to get my finances under control with the help of some legal teams at work.  I’m going to continue to get my weight under control, I lose more every week. I’m going to stop worrying about what someone will think, as I can’t control that.  I’m going to communicate.  I am going to follow my own advice, start planning and organizing my life…I’m the only one who can make it what I want.  I simply need to remember… it’s not about forcing happiness, it’s about not letting sadness win.

Goodnight neverland.  XXO.



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