I have what feels like a million thoughts flying through my head at the same time, so please forgive me if this post is a little scattered. I’ll do my best to control myself, but the way I write is to literally let words fall out of my head. I can type easily 150 words per minute, more when I’m angry or particularly passionate, so it’s easier to keep up with the thoughts that fly through.
I’ve been given a strange gift. I’m choosing to look at it this way, at least for now. 🙂
About two weeks before xmas, I invited my children’s nanny to rent the spare room from my basement. She was in an odd situation and the room was just empty and sitting there, so I offered it to her and her daughter. It’s been fun to have a two year old in the house again, although holy cow did I forget how much child-proofing a place needs!! We’ve loved having her here, although of course, moving someone into your home takes a bit of adjustment. There are certainly things that I’m sure we drive each other nuts on, and that’s to be expected. Thankfully, things seem to be fairly smooth.
She’s an interesting girl. Very different from myself, but not in a bad way or anything. I’ve enjoyed getting to know her and her daughter more. And being that we’re both single mom’s, we do share some things in common. One of those, being an interest in men. The topic comes up often. Her approach is VERY different from my own. Again – not bad… not wrong… just different. It reminds me of how I acted in relationships when I was younger, before my own life experiences led me to become a different person with a completely different approach to people. And here’s where we get to the gift…
I’m getting to witness (from an outside perspective) – ME… when I was younger. The mistakes I would make, the insecurities I felt, the highs and lows of over-dramatic relationships. HOLY CRAP! Looking back now… hoo boy! I’m suddenly very thankful that people mellow a bit with age. At least I have. I may have struggling levels of confidence in my physical appearance, but my confidence in who I am at my core is stronger than it’s ever been.
This girl has commented a few times that she’s looking at me as a mentor. She thinks I’m strong and never get discouraged. I laughed when she said that. I get discouraged. Hell – when I’m really let down, I’ll even hide under the covers and have a good cry when I need to. But I don’t quit. Not if something is really worth it. But to me – what other choice do you have?
So this past week, she started seeing someone new. I won’t go into too much details, but let’s just say that there’s been some drama – and what surprises me, is that instead of having that drama be a red or yellow flag to caution her to move forward… she’s fangirling like a clingy, love-obsessed, crazy-ass, future-tripping girl. It’s been quite shocking to see someone who is my age go through this. Eye-opening really. And I can’t quite pin-point if I’m happy to have my eyes opened or not. At one point, in my life, I acted like that. And now, even just thinking of acting like that would be … embarrassing. I mean, I get it… new love is exciting! It’s the clingy and the crazy that I don’t agree with, and future tripping, I try to avoid, as it usually leads to disappointment.
On the bright side, I can clearly see how far I’ve come. I can also clearly see something I don’t and wouldn’t want. I have this desire to build something healthy with someone. Something real and long-lasting. I know that the person for me is out there, and I oddly have this strange comfort in knowing that eventually – we’ll find each other. I will just keep moving along!
On a completely unrelated topic… my side business … hoo boy! Things are moving along so quickly – it’s almost hard to keep up. The retail space that was supposed to be a test store for only 2 weeks is still going – they asked us to just keep it up permanently. We’ve got an offer to join amazon and sell there; and I’ve got an opportunity to take on a booth at an event that’s coming up. Technically there are a few coming up – but I’m considering signing on for February 9th – see if I can’t get any valentine’s sales. The trouble is… I can’t seem to keep the stock on-hand. I know – it’s a good problem to have, but at the same time, it’s frustrating. I don’t want to take too much on at once and then fail. I wanted to build this business slowly, to ensure that it would do well, but it’s taken on a mind of it’s own in some cases and is just plowing ahead! 🙂 I have a feeling I’ll have to hire at some point in the coming year. Oy! 🙂
Hope you’re doing well!! Much love to all of you in Neverland.