When you’re given a rare and unusual gift…

I have what feels like a million thoughts flying through my head at the same time, so please forgive me if this post is a little scattered.  I’ll do my best to control myself, but the way I write is to literally let words fall out of my head.  I can type easily 150 words per minute, more when I’m angry or particularly passionate, so it’s easier to keep up with the thoughts that fly through.

I’ve been given a strange gift.  I’m choosing to look at it this way, at least for now.  🙂

About two weeks before xmas, I invited my children’s nanny to rent the spare room from my basement.  She was in an odd situation and the room was just empty and sitting there, so I offered it to her and her daughter.  It’s been fun to have a two year old in the house again, although holy cow did I forget how much child-proofing a place needs!!  We’ve loved having her here, although of course, moving someone into your home takes a bit of adjustment.  There are certainly things that I’m sure we drive each other nuts on, and that’s to be expected.  Thankfully, things seem to be fairly smooth.

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She’s an interesting girl.  Very different from myself, but not in a bad way or anything. I’ve enjoyed getting to know her and her daughter more.  And being that we’re both single mom’s, we do share some things in common.  One of those, being an interest in men.  The topic comes up often.  Her approach is VERY different from my own.  Again – not bad… not wrong… just different.  It reminds me of how I acted in relationships when I was younger, before my own life experiences led me to become a different person with a completely different approach to people.  And here’s where we get to the gift…

I’m getting to witness (from an outside perspective) – ME… when I was younger.   The mistakes I would make, the insecurities I felt, the highs and lows of over-dramatic relationships.  HOLY CRAP!  Looking back now… hoo boy!  I’m suddenly very thankful that people mellow a bit with age.  At least I have.  I may have struggling levels of confidence in my physical appearance, but my confidence in who I am at my core is stronger than it’s ever been.

This girl has commented a few times that she’s looking at me as a mentor.  She thinks I’m strong and never get discouraged.  I laughed when she said that.  I get discouraged.  Hell – when I’m really let down, I’ll even hide under the covers and have a good cry when I need to.  But I don’t quit.  Not if something is really worth it.  But to me – what other choice do you have?

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So this past week, she started seeing someone new.  I won’t go into too much details, but let’s just say that there’s been some drama – and what surprises me, is that instead of having that drama be a red or yellow flag to caution her to move forward… she’s fangirling like a clingy, love-obsessed, crazy-ass, future-tripping girl.  It’s been quite shocking to see someone who is my age go through this.  Eye-opening really.  And I can’t quite pin-point if I’m happy to have my eyes opened or not.  At one point, in my life, I acted like that.  And now, even just thinking of acting like that would be … embarrassing.  I mean, I get it… new love is exciting!  It’s the clingy and the crazy that I don’t agree with, and future tripping, I try to avoid, as it usually leads to disappointment.

On the bright side, I can clearly see how far I’ve come.  I can also clearly see something I don’t and wouldn’t want.  I have this desire to build something healthy with someone.  Something real and long-lasting.  I know that the person for me is out there, and I oddly have this strange comfort in knowing that eventually – we’ll find each other.  I will just keep moving along!

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On a completely unrelated topic… my side business … hoo boy!  Things are moving along so quickly – it’s almost hard to keep up.  The retail space that was supposed to be a test store for only 2 weeks is still going – they asked us to just keep it up permanently.  We’ve got an offer to join amazon and sell there; and I’ve got an opportunity to take on a booth at an event that’s coming up.  Technically there are a few coming up – but I’m considering signing on for February 9th – see if I can’t get any valentine’s sales.  The trouble is… I can’t seem to keep the stock on-hand.  I know – it’s a good problem to have, but at the same time, it’s frustrating.  I don’t want to take too much on at once and then fail.  I wanted to build this business slowly, to ensure that it would do well, but it’s taken on a mind of it’s own in some cases and is just plowing ahead! 🙂 I have a feeling I’ll have to hire at some point in the coming year.  Oy!  🙂

Hope you’re doing well!! Much love to all of you in Neverland.

 

Free to roam

In the past month or so, I’ve been attempting something a bit unusual for me.  At night, instead of wearing my pajamas or nightgowns, I’ve been doing the sports bra and undies thing.  For one, it’s hot.  But more than that, it’s my attempt at learning to become more comfortable and confident in my own body.

Now some of you may be thinking … “what’s the big deal?”

Let me try and explain.  I have never lived alone before.  There was always someone else in the home.. be it a family member, a significant other, a roommate and if not one of those, most definitely a child or two. Privacy is just something I don’t get a lot of, so the idea of wandering my house naked isn’t really a fantasy that I have.  And lastly – I’ve just never been that comfortable in my own skin.  I’ve never been the girl to feel confident living in my own body.  I hate my post-babies tummy… and the idea of baring it, even to myself just isn’t something that I’ve EVER been comfortable with.

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I’ve been tossing and turning.  I can’t sleep.  I hurt too much.  Apparently I have a cracked rib and the discomfort is keeping me from getting much sleep.  I got up and wandered to the kitchen for something to drink and for the first time in my life, I didn’t put on a robe.  I just wandered out there, grabbed the tea and swigged a big gulp straight from the jug.  And as I walked back into my room, I caught a glimpse of myself… and smiled.  I’m looking good!

I may not be at a point where I’d feel comfortable with the world seeing me like that, I’m content enough knowing that I like what I see in the  mirror these days.  That girl staring back at me … she’s a pretty cool chick.  🙂

Damn…. life is good – even if I AM awake at 3:30 in the morning.

Good night Neverland.  Sleep well.

Couch surfing…

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Ok , this title is a bit misleading… but only sort of.  I talked to my Dad tonight.  I asked if it would be possible, on weekends when I don’t have the kids, if I could come stay with him and the family.  I was nervous, as I wasn’t entirely sure what he would say.  But he was kind and sweet and caring and said that I am always welcome.  He asked me what was going on and I shared.  To sum it up – I need some space.  The energy in the house, when the kids aren’t around has been negative and depressing lately and I honestly can’t stand it.  I find it to be making me anxious and since I’m not typically an anxious kind of person, it helps me realize just how much I need a break from it.

I may go check into a hotel somewhere, I may go stay at a friends, and now, if I need to, I have the option of staying with my dad.  Having those options makes me feel better about things.

My housemates and I sat down and discussed budgets and plans.  I am planning on being out of here and into a new place by April 1st.  And no, that’s no fools joke.  I feel better now that we all sat down and planned things out.  Everyone is on the same page.  I know what I have to contribute to the house, and worked out a very detailed budget for myself in order to meet the savings goals I have set.  All of that, plus my tax return and my bonus, I will be more than capable of buying a home and covering the moving costs and having a small cushion for those home owner surprises that are bound to come up.  I’m proud of myself.  I’m not always very good at speaking up.  I’m far too often “the nice one” who ends up being a doormat.  And I’m not doing that now.  I’m taking care of me and the kids first – everyone else comes after that.  It’s a first for me.  And oddly – it feels good.

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Today was day 1 of 3 of a very intense review session of the work I’ve been doing since October.  So far, things are going very well.  I’m proud, and relieved, and nervous as there are still 2 more days of this.  Everything I’ve been building and documenting and testing is being analyzed and picked apart.  I have to have reasoning and data to support every decision I’ve made and have to have contingency plans already prepped and ready in case something isn’t approved.  It’s been a very long few months with a ton of hours, even travel to get this far.  In roughly 2 weeks, my part of this project will be complete.  Another check in the box, another project to add to my portfolio – but this one is a bit different.  It’s the first time I’ve looked at this industry (TV and cable) and in the past, I’d probably pass on it.  It wasn’t glamorous or exciting enough.  But I’m trying to build the start of something to re-shape and re-think the way we think about our TV’s.  It’s not there yet – but it will be…and it’s kind of cool. 🙂

Well – I better get some sleep.  Another long day tomorrow.  Thankfully, no reviews tomorrow, just a day full of meetings with all my direct reports.  Goodnight neverland.

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Communication and self change

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What a day.  I’m flat out wiped.  And oh so ready for bed, but I wanted to let some of what is in my head out on to the page.  I was up at 6, got the kids ready to go to the zoo with Grandma and Grandpa.  Grayson has been a constant bundle of energy the last few days.  Being 3, he quickly wears us all out.  But I remember this stage with the mini-me.  Heck, and Logan, my step son as well.  We’ll get through it.  Went to work and had quite a few battles and challenges laid at my feet.  Ok, more than a few, and there was a moment, about half way through a 4 hour meeting when I wanted to stand up and question the sanity of some of the folks in the room, but I’ll figure this out.  I always do.  Somehow.  I tend to be the first person to doubt myself, but I refuse to do so this time.  I’m making leaps and bounds within myself.  I bet from the outside, it doesn’t appear that way.  But it’s true.

I’ve been worrying over something the last few days.  I knew I needed to broach a subject with the bro and I’ve been really procrastinating about doing it.  I didn’t want to start a fight.  I try very hard to maintain a drama-free world, when it’s in my power to control.  I’ve spent a few days trying to plan out how I wanted to talk to him, how best to approach him to keep him from getting defensive or upset.  I talked with my parents about it when I went to pick up the kids.  What is “it” you’re probably wondering?  I have to remind myself that this is my honest zone.  My one place I’ve deemed safe…that if I can’t do this here, who or where can I?  Sigh.

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I’ve been feeling used.  In a big way.  And it’s coming from a couple of sources.  The ex and the bro.

The ex – I try and remember the source.  Yes, his new button he’s enjoying pushing surprised me a bit.  Apparently, now I’m not giving enough.  I argued too much.  Oh – and everything he said or did while on alcohol?  It doesn’t count if he makes his amends.  Therefore I have no choice but to forgive.  And believe me when I say, I actually am working on that.  Forgiveness doesn’t come easily, but I am learning how to move forward.  I’m proud of that.  Fiercely proud of that.  I asked him to contribute towards daycare tonight.  If I’m going to put the lil’ man into daycare/preschool, it would be nice if the financial burden didn’t rest solely on my shoulders.  I’m not asking for half, I knew he wouldn’t go for it, but I did ask that he cover the cost for 1 day each week.  That seems quite reasonable to me.  Thankfully, he didn’t feel like arguing me on it.  Although who knows what will happen once the bill actually starts coming in.  But I’ll cross that bridge later.

The bro, my roommate.  Sigh.  In some ways, he does a lot around here.  But in other ways, meh.   I pay for everything he wants (within reasons) or needs.  I’ve lent him my vehicles for transportation, have taken him on trips, paid for his medications and habits.  The situation with him is tricky for me, because I love the guy.  NOT in a romantic sense.  My god – ew no.  I swear we were siblings in another life.  He’s been there for me when no one else was, many, many times.  Although during those times, I also helped and provided for him too.  But I’ve heard from a couple of sources lately that he’s been talking negatively behind my back.  The sources aren’t 100% reliable, so I don’t really know what to think.  One warned me that the bro is “playing both sides”.  I don’t know how to feel about that.  Part of me feels really, really hurt.  Part of me is mad at myself.  I am perfectly capable of not having a roommate and doing this on my own.  I don’t have to help him as much as I do, but why not?  I have so much, and he has so little.  And he’s my friend.  Isn’t that what friends are for?  To help you when you fall?  To motivate you when you need a little push?  I know that other people think I’m being used.  And sometimes, I admit, I feel that way too, but not all the time.  My mom wanted me to give him notice.  30 days.  My step dad disagreed with her.  He understood.  I can’t do that.  If that makes me naïve or silly or stupid, so be it.  But I knew I needed to talk to him about it.  We’ve gotten pretty good with our communication lately.  I came home and broached the subject.  Wasn’t hard, as he could tell something was up, it was written all over my face.  Apparently my face is more expressive than I realize.  I told him that while I appreciate all that he’s done to help me here.  I need to take control back of my own life.  I need to get my lil’ man into preschool and get him up to speed, he needs the social interaction.  I said that I’d help continue to guide him with freelance so that he could earn an income.  Give himself a start.  I won’t do it for long, but I can’t just drop him either.  It went really well.  He seemed to understand the gravity of the situation.  He denied having talked badly (of course) but he knows my blinders are off and I’m sure will be hesitant to cause much drama right now.  He talked about his plans moving forward.  I’ve seen a lot of motivation and work from him lately in the design aspect of things.  I think he’s got a fire under his butt.  It’s encouraging.  I just hope it holds.

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Funny, I’ve been on both sides of the pendulum swing when it comes to communication and conflict.  When I was young, I had quite the mouth on me.  I was loud.  I loved to debate.  I could argue circles around anyone, and found it fun to push people’s buttons.  As I got older, and life threw tests my way, I swung the opposite end of that swing.  I avoided conflict.  I got quiet. During conflict, I’d go almost submissive. Others knew something was wrong if I’d go quiet.  Now a days… I feel like I’ve landed in a really healthy place.  Conflict still makes me nervous.  And I do everything I can leading up to it, to prevent or cool it down… But I push myself to speak up.  To stay calm, to try and keep others calm, but to still try and communicate what’s bothering me.  It’s not always easy… hell, sometimes it may take me a day or so to build up the courage, but doing this, my relationships with others are healthier, and I feel like my needs and opinions are at least heard.

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Growth.  Evidence of my self change.  Looking back at the last 2 years, I’ve grown and changed so much.  I’m not a doormat anymore.  Or … at least I seem to be pulling myself up so that I’m not going to be anymore.  But I’m not a rude, cold bitch about it either.  Kindness, firmness, love, positivity, grace….. I embrace those qualities as often as I can.  I’m damn proud of myself tonight.  Even though I am exhausted.  Even though I haven’t figured out everything that’s laid at my feet.  I’m still leaving today’s battlegrounds feeling victorious.

Tomorrow, I’ll put my war paint back on and wage my battle cry.  🙂  Is it odd that sometimes I imagine everyone as orcs (hence the war paint and battle cry’s).  Now that would be an interesting comic.  Orcs waging war from the cubicle.  😀  Ok, enough of my random thoughts.

Goodnight neverland.  Much love.  XXO!