Slowly figuring out what it is that I want in a partner


I’m a planner by nature.  A goal maker.  A dreamer.  I have my career goals all figured out and stretching ahead of me, and that makes me feel good.  11 months ago, I ended my marriage with my husband.  It has been an 11 month journey of rediscovering myself.  And quite honestly, I have a VERY long way to go still.  But all of that said, I’m starting to figure out some of the things that I never really knew.

I’ve gone out with a few people on a few dates here and there.  Tried the online dating thing.  Don’t even GET me started in a rant on how the world of dating has changed since the last time I was actively in it (10 years ago yikes!).  I’ve met some very nice people.  Had a very intense but kind of short lived fling with a friend, that may or may not lead to the death and demise of that friendship.  Fingers crossed that somehow that all gets sorted out.

What I’ve learned in the last 11 months is eye opening, and still changing even now.  I’ve learned what it is I think I am looking for in a partner.  At least – so far what I think I’m needing.

1.  A man.  I don’t want to be the mom in a relationship.  I don’t need a little boy – I have one who I love with all my heart.  I want a man.  An equal.  Someone strong and protective.  Someone with the balls to lead and guide me.  Not be intimidated by the fact that I’m smart and make a better wage than most. Don’t be afraid to disagree with me or tell me I’m wrong.  Sometimes, I need someone to point out my own wrong doings.  I’ll own it when I’m wrong.

2.  I’m a bit of a basket case at times.  Between managing my busy career, taking care of my kids and the house – I forget the smallest and in my opinion the stupidest stuff.  Yea I like to pretend that i’m super woman and that i can juggle a million things at once.  And for the most part, I do.  But, that said, I do drop the ball.  Often.  I’m sure from outside appearances, it would appear that I’m ADD.  Ooooh something shiny!  But in reality, I juggle too much.  I do my best to give 200% to everything I do.  And sometimes, it’s hard to juggle that many balls.  I want someone who understands that about me and doesn’t look down on me for it.  Heck – what would be really nice is if they also thought it was adorable – but that’s maybe asking for too much.

3.  I like a big guy – not necessarily in the tall department, as i’m short so I can handle a shorter man, but a big teddy bear of a man.  Someone who from all outside appearances might look like he could squash a bad guy like a bug – but for me – is a big cuddly teddy bear.

4.  Don’t be a prude, and don’t assume I am one.  Ok – that probably sounds a little funny, so let me try and explain.  I was raised by quite traditional english grandparents.  They raised me to be a polite, well mannered person.  But that doesn’t automatically mean that i’m not down for fun between the sheets.  If your sex life consists of only lights off, only in bed, only at night and only one position EVER – there’s something WRONG.  Change it up!  Different positions, different locations (inside, outside, even in public is ok in the right circumstances), costumes? sure!  Within reason of course – if you ask me to put on a bumble bee costume I AM going to laugh at you.  I am not a prude.  Don’t be one yourself.

5.  Be a geek/nerd.  I am.  Technology is a huge part of my life.  If you can’t operate a computer without having a panic attack, then we probably won’t have much in common.  To note – if there’s a like of comic books or video games that’s an even BIGGER plus!

6.  You have to like kids.  Now don’t misunderstand me.  I’m not looking for a father for my children.  They have one.  A good one most of the time.  I want someone who wants me for me, not my mothering abilities or my children.  But – that said, I have kids.  They are a HUGE part of my life and if you aren’t down to race cars across my dining room floor or stomp around the house acting like a dinosaur, then we won’t mesh well.

7.  Be Affectionate.  There is a difference for me between sexual affection and just affection.  I need both.  I want hugs and to hold hands and to cuddle.  I need that type of interaction.  I may randomly give a back rub or lightly smack an ass occasionally.  I like that in return.

8.  Give thoughtful gifts, or don’t give at all.  I’m not huge on gifts.  I love to give them, but haven’t been in a position to receive them much.  And that’s cool.  BUT… if it’s my birthday, or it’s christmas or valentines day – I wouldn’t mind a little THOUGHTFUL gift.  No a used printer without any cords or ink is NOT a good gift, especially when I already own 2 printers and don’t really use them.  I’m not a tough person to buy for.  A card would be fine, or a nice meal.  my hands get cold in the winter time – i’m always down for a new pair of gloves or a fuzzy blanket to cuddle with.  I love to spoil others tho, so please be ok with receiving gifts from me too.

9.  About Brains and articulation.  Ok, I’m not looking for Einstein’s equivalent, but when you’re the type of person who is constantly seeking to learn new things, it makes it hard to connect with someone if they have trouble finding their way out of a paper bag.  Be able to hold your own in a conversation.  Being that I dabble in writing, maybe I put more weight in the ability to draft up more than a 2 word sentence; but is that so wrong?  I want to know what you’re thinking.  I want to know why you’re thinking it – why?  because I care.  Because my opinions and thoughts aren’t the only thoughts and opinions that matter.  Because I may be able to learn and grow from hearing your perspective.  So SHARE it! 🙂

This is of course not the end all be all of my list – but it’s hitting upon most of the big ones.  Funny, in my twenties, I never would have been able to articulate this list.  Thinking back – my list would have said something more to the tune of make sure he’s good looking, and has similar interests as me.  Life and experience changed that tune.  It seems to me, we grow to be better people as we age.  Like wine, we get better.  More defined.  Maybe dating in my 30’s won’t be so bad afterall.  At least I’m starting to actually know what it is I want.  That’s certainly a good start.


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