A bane to humanity

Have you ever seen a potential red flag in a relationship with someone and just felt an overwhelming sense of annoyance and frustration at having seen it?  That was me tonight.  I’m not frustrated with the person, but I’m frustrated at the sight of a potential problem in the future.  Although – the concept of “red flags” in people doesn’t work well when you actively try not to future trip.

Today I had a session with my counselor.  We’re dropping down to once a week and that makes me feel immensely better.  🙂  Today’s topics included my mother, we touched a little on nana, and we talked about gifts and generosity and money.  I’m glad I get to type instead of talk because I think if I had to speak those words, they’d taste a little bitter on the tongue right now.

Money.  Such a bane to humanity.  I’ve been dirt poor, I’ve been middle of the road, and I’ve been comfortable.  Certainly never been rich, but I feel like I at least have a grasp on understanding the reality of a wide spectrum of financial security (or lack of it) with in social economics.  When you’re poor, you think having money will fix a lot of problems, and when you’re no longer poor, you realize there may be other new problems to face. I remember feeling like people would look down on us if they knew how poor we were.  That somehow, other people would judge because of my finances.  What I didn’t know was that when you’re on the flip side of the coin, there’s still judgment.    Only it’s a new, different kind.  Either people assume that you just buy everything without putting a thought into it, or they think that everything is easy and was handed to you; or they resent that you have it and they don’t.

As a woman, there have been many times, where I’ve been pressured to stay at home, be a mom to my kids and play that role.  Heck, I WAS a stay at home for 6 years.  And then I went back to work and became the bread winner, the guilt in subtle comments I’d get from others was often obnoxious.

I have been the “bread winner” now for 6 years.  I made more than my spouse could so it just made sense.  And men, they have this pressure to provide.  To shoulder the financial stress.  You’d think we could let go of some of the old 50’s ideals – it has been 60+ years. A partnership or team shouldn’t be in competition.  You are a team.  Together as a couple, you should be thinking as one.

Hmm is that old fashioned?

I don’t think so, it just seems like logic to me.  If you’ve pledged to spend your life as a team with someone, then it seems as if showing your appreciation for your mate is that much more important…not just your appreciation for the team you’ve created and what you are working towards, but for them, personally.

But how do you do that without the other person feeling off about it.  What is considered small and thoughtful, vs extravagant and on who’s budget? When I was dating, the fact that I made what I do was often seen as  threat.  It intimidated a lot of men.  I’ve read that a woman making more than a man emasculates them.

What I wish I could help men realize is that if it doesn’t bother us, it shouldn’t bother you.  It means we are big girls who can take care of ourselves and if we chose you – then you can feel safe and comforted knowing we chose you for you – not for what you have or what you could provide.  But for YOU.  That silly dude that we chose who’s grumbly in the morning, who makes faces and silly dances and puddle jumps in the rain with us.  Our best friend.

Goodnight Neverland. Sleep well.

Slowly figuring out what it is that I want in a partner

dream

I’m a planner by nature.  A goal maker.  A dreamer.  I have my career goals all figured out and stretching ahead of me, and that makes me feel good.  11 months ago, I ended my marriage with my husband.  It has been an 11 month journey of rediscovering myself.  And quite honestly, I have a VERY long way to go still.  But all of that said, I’m starting to figure out some of the things that I never really knew.

I’ve gone out with a few people on a few dates here and there.  Tried the online dating thing.  Don’t even GET me started in a rant on how the world of dating has changed since the last time I was actively in it (10 years ago yikes!).  I’ve met some very nice people.  Had a very intense but kind of short lived fling with a friend, that may or may not lead to the death and demise of that friendship.  Fingers crossed that somehow that all gets sorted out.

What I’ve learned in the last 11 months is eye opening, and still changing even now.  I’ve learned what it is I think I am looking for in a partner.  At least – so far what I think I’m needing.

1.  A man.  I don’t want to be the mom in a relationship.  I don’t need a little boy – I have one who I love with all my heart.  I want a man.  An equal.  Someone strong and protective.  Someone with the balls to lead and guide me.  Not be intimidated by the fact that I’m smart and make a better wage than most. Don’t be afraid to disagree with me or tell me I’m wrong.  Sometimes, I need someone to point out my own wrong doings.  I’ll own it when I’m wrong.

2.  I’m a bit of a basket case at times.  Between managing my busy career, taking care of my kids and the house – I forget the smallest and in my opinion the stupidest stuff.  Yea I like to pretend that i’m super woman and that i can juggle a million things at once.  And for the most part, I do.  But, that said, I do drop the ball.  Often.  I’m sure from outside appearances, it would appear that I’m ADD.  Ooooh something shiny!  But in reality, I juggle too much.  I do my best to give 200% to everything I do.  And sometimes, it’s hard to juggle that many balls.  I want someone who understands that about me and doesn’t look down on me for it.  Heck – what would be really nice is if they also thought it was adorable – but that’s maybe asking for too much.

3.  I like a big guy – not necessarily in the tall department, as i’m short so I can handle a shorter man, but a big teddy bear of a man.  Someone who from all outside appearances might look like he could squash a bad guy like a bug – but for me – is a big cuddly teddy bear.

4.  Don’t be a prude, and don’t assume I am one.  Ok – that probably sounds a little funny, so let me try and explain.  I was raised by quite traditional english grandparents.  They raised me to be a polite, well mannered person.  But that doesn’t automatically mean that i’m not down for fun between the sheets.  If your sex life consists of only lights off, only in bed, only at night and only one position EVER – there’s something WRONG.  Change it up!  Different positions, different locations (inside, outside, even in public is ok in the right circumstances), costumes? sure!  Within reason of course – if you ask me to put on a bumble bee costume I AM going to laugh at you.  I am not a prude.  Don’t be one yourself.

5.  Be a geek/nerd.  I am.  Technology is a huge part of my life.  If you can’t operate a computer without having a panic attack, then we probably won’t have much in common.  To note – if there’s a like of comic books or video games that’s an even BIGGER plus!

6.  You have to like kids.  Now don’t misunderstand me.  I’m not looking for a father for my children.  They have one.  A good one most of the time.  I want someone who wants me for me, not my mothering abilities or my children.  But – that said, I have kids.  They are a HUGE part of my life and if you aren’t down to race cars across my dining room floor or stomp around the house acting like a dinosaur, then we won’t mesh well.

7.  Be Affectionate.  There is a difference for me between sexual affection and just affection.  I need both.  I want hugs and to hold hands and to cuddle.  I need that type of interaction.  I may randomly give a back rub or lightly smack an ass occasionally.  I like that in return.

8.  Give thoughtful gifts, or don’t give at all.  I’m not huge on gifts.  I love to give them, but haven’t been in a position to receive them much.  And that’s cool.  BUT… if it’s my birthday, or it’s christmas or valentines day – I wouldn’t mind a little THOUGHTFUL gift.  No a used printer without any cords or ink is NOT a good gift, especially when I already own 2 printers and don’t really use them.  I’m not a tough person to buy for.  A card would be fine, or a nice meal.  my hands get cold in the winter time – i’m always down for a new pair of gloves or a fuzzy blanket to cuddle with.  I love to spoil others tho, so please be ok with receiving gifts from me too.

9.  About Brains and articulation.  Ok, I’m not looking for Einstein’s equivalent, but when you’re the type of person who is constantly seeking to learn new things, it makes it hard to connect with someone if they have trouble finding their way out of a paper bag.  Be able to hold your own in a conversation.  Being that I dabble in writing, maybe I put more weight in the ability to draft up more than a 2 word sentence; but is that so wrong?  I want to know what you’re thinking.  I want to know why you’re thinking it – why?  because I care.  Because my opinions and thoughts aren’t the only thoughts and opinions that matter.  Because I may be able to learn and grow from hearing your perspective.  So SHARE it! 🙂

This is of course not the end all be all of my list – but it’s hitting upon most of the big ones.  Funny, in my twenties, I never would have been able to articulate this list.  Thinking back – my list would have said something more to the tune of make sure he’s good looking, and has similar interests as me.  Life and experience changed that tune.  It seems to me, we grow to be better people as we age.  Like wine, we get better.  More defined.  Maybe dating in my 30’s won’t be so bad afterall.  At least I’m starting to actually know what it is I want.  That’s certainly a good start.

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