The light after a storm…


Wow what a week!  I swear, it’s been the longest week in history.  An emotional roller coaster that up until this morning, I was pretty convinced would end badly for me.  I tried to just keep plugging away, to keep trying, keep pushing; and can you believe it?  It worked.  Now suddenly, heading into the weekend, it feels a bit like the clouds have lifted.  The way the light changes just after a storm.  When things calm down and everything starts to recover from the turmoil that just swept past.

At work – I had to lay off my entire team.  It was such an emotional ride.  Lots of tears at the beginning of the week – from everyone, myself included.

Then was presented with a hiccup in the house buying process, and for a moment, I bawled my eyes out because I was pretty sure I was no longer going to get the house.  BUT… some amazing attorneys jumped in and helped me get things squared away.  And after a lot of running around this morning, I got confirmation from my lender that all is well and that they’re going to try and push for closing next week or the week after.

I’m elated, but I’m also just plain exhausted.  This week has certainly been incredibly taxing.  I get the joy of spending the weekend at my Dad’s.  I’m looking forward to doing a bit of relaxing.  Although, truthfully, I should be spending the time packing and getting everything squared away, I just don’t think I have the energy to do it.

That’s ok – I’ll focus on all of that next week, with fresh eyes and a fresh outlook.  I can breathe easier, and maybe even get some good sleep, knowing that all that I’ve been working towards, this journey I started down so that I could provide an even better life for my kids… it’s working out the way I’d always hoped.

I try and remember that for every win, someone must fail.  There is always balance in life.  I have experienced many fails.  It feels lovely to finally win.

Goodnight Neverland, hope you all are well.

lipstick kiss

What a week…

I’m blogging from my phone tonight, so please excuse me if I miss editing out any typos.

It has been one hell of a week, full of many highs and lows.

The lows:
1. I had a lot of stress at the beginning of the week worrying about a potential bout of layoffs at work. It would have thrown a huge monkey wrench into the whole house thing I have in the works.

2. A massive argument with one of my closest girlfriends. All friendships experience tiffs and arguments… but I’m not so sure that we’ll recover from this one.

3. It’s become apparent to me that the puppy needs a bit more intensive style training. I’m looking into a program that is a 5 week board and train. It’s expensive, but I don’t know what else will work.

The highs:
1. I’m safe at work.
2. Anything house related.
3. A friend was there for me this week, when I really needed it the most. I appreciate the hugs and pep talks, helping me brainstorm alternative solutions and just generally taking me out of my head. I cannot truly express my gratitude. I don’t think he knows how awesome he is.

After this weekend, I get to start packing. Can’t wait!! 47 days. Yes I have a count down until I get the keys lol!

Well, neverland, I’m exhausted. Grateful tomorrow is Friday! Much love to you all!!

Losing the battle to impatience

It’s been a good day – don’t get me wrong.  But I’m more than ready for it to be over now.  My boss has been a bit more high strung than usual today, the final push on some crazy deadlines looms overhead and all I can think about, is that I’d rather be somewhere else.  Where?  Not sure.  Napping?  Traveling?  Sailing?  Cooking?  Something other than managing a team of folks who are over-stressed and over-worked.  🙂


Maybe it’s just impatience.

I’m impatient to move forward in life.  From a career standpoint, life is damn good.  From a financial standpoint too.  My kids are happy and healthy… things are great.  But this whole House thing has me tied up in knots of impatient anxiety.  I just want to find a house and buy it already.  I want to be moved in already.  Maybe it’s like a biological clock – for being a grown up?  🙂  Tick-tock, tick-tock…. oh for god sakes just HURRY UP ALREADY!?!  It’s only a few months… I know I can hang in there.  Heck, not like I have any other choice.

I’m feeling a bit restless.  I’m one of those types of people who makes a goal and walks down the path to make it real.  I’m a dreamer – and yet, I’m also a do-er.  Sometimes, I find myself getting a bit frustrated with the time it takes to effectively “do” a dream.  I tell myself to relax, to wait, it’ll happen, if something’s meant to be – it will be.  I try not to future trip.  Today – I’m not doing that very well.

I need a hug.  And someone to tell me to take a chill pill.  🙂

Much love to you in Neverland.

lipstick kiss

A whirlwind of a weekend

This weekend has been an interesting one.  I could use a weekend after the way this one has gone.  So many ups and downs.  Honestly, lately I’ve felt caught up in a bit of a swirl.  I’m not quite sure which way is up and which way is down.  It’s uncomfortable.  I started writing a blog post on Friday, but due to some computer issues, that post was lost.  Interesting how that post was very much about me heading into a hurricane, where as this post will end up feeling as if I’m slowly coming out of it.  Still disoriented, and unsure of which way to go, but feeling a bit more steady on my feet all the same.

I went out for coffee on Friday morning with a friend.  He called me Mrs. Positive.  “Jen you’d climb up a mountain, get hit by a few boulders on the way up and say “yea but look at this bad ass bruise – it looks like Abe Lincoln!”.”

Yea – ok.  Fine.  I try and go through life wearing rose tinted glasses.  I realize that may seem a bit off.  But I don’t see the point in dwelling in the negative.  I suppose you wouldn’t know that if you read this blog – as I often write about the negatives.  But that is actually because I need somewhere to let some of that out.  I don’t like how negativity feels.  It spews out of your mind.. and sticks around.  It’s hard to break the habit of complaining or always pointing out the negative side of life.  I know a few of my friends and loved ones who struggle with this.  To outsiders, they’d be called “complainers”.  They aren’t.  They just don’t automatically try and find the positives.  I do.  Life has far too many negative stressors – why on earth would I want to dwell on them?!  I’d rather celebrate my small wins – wherever they are.

Tonight, as I logged into Facebook, I was greeted by this:

Screen Shot 2015-11-01 at 5.28.34 PM

6 years ago, I posted these.  He hasn’t been on my mind all weekend.  Other things have been taking up space lately.  Fights with my mother, stressful deadlines at work, drama within the love life, it’s just been a lot to take.  But thanks to Facebook – I am reminded of one more reason why I’m having a tough weekend.  And yet – somehow, seeing his face, seeing mine in this photo and the tentative hope that was on my very tired looking face.  Thanks Facebook.  Oddly, I’m comforted by this today.

I said some horrible things to my mom today.  In the moment, they were earned – even deserved.  But now, I feel bad.  The thing is, I love my mom.  I always have and I always will.  But… Sometimes, she says and does things that are really hurtful.  Sometimes, when she acts that way, I feel worthless or stupid.  As a kid, I can remember the occasions when we’d fight… I hate fighting with her.  We both have very sharp tongues.  I learned it from her.  I have never liked that side of myself.  Makes me wonder if she thinks about that side of herself in a similar light?  I think somehow, that would make me feel better.  She just doesn’t hear me.  She gets so focused on pushing her way that she steam rolls anyone in front of her.  Tunes them out and doesn’t even hear what they’re saying.  Then she’ll have herself so worked up that she won’t hear you until she’s calmed all the way back down again – and that can take some time and patience.  And usually – the person who’s on the other end of that angry woman to cave and compromise or give in.

Sometimes, I don’t want to give in.  Sometimes, I want to be heard.  She doesn’t have to agree with me – hell she can tell me to go fuck off for all I care, so long as she actually HEARS me.  That’s all I wanted today.  For her to hear what I was saying – because if she’d just shut up and listened to the words I’d said – I’d said that I would help her.  That I didn’t care about anything but doing what I could to help her reduce the load and remove the stress.  But she was on such a rant that she couldn’t hear that.  Sigh.  I lost my temper.  I yelled.  I’d asked my grandfather a question, and she yelled at me for daring to go over her head.  I told her that she was not the matriarch of this family, that we were equals and that I was perfectly in my rights to ask him any question I like.  I held my tongue here.  I told her that just because she is my mother does not give her the right to be disrespectful or to treat me that way.  That I may have taken it as a child, but that I didn’t have to take it as an adult.  I told her that if she continued to act like this, she’d end up a lonely old woman who no one would want to be around.  I told her to get counseling.

While I wouldn’t take back any of what I said – I stand my ground on all of it – I still feel guilt over it all.  I hate that.  I can remember as a kid, after these types of situations, I’d feel such tremendous guilt over the situation.  I’d go make her a sandwich or scrambled eggs.  I’d take out the garbage or do some other small chore to try and make up for it.  I wish I could learn a better way to come to a good place with someone after a conflict like that.

Life is short.  I know this better than most.  I know that I’ll keep trying with my mother.  I love her.  She loves me.  She and I have come along way over the years.  I’ve cooled down a lot over the years.  My Irish doesn’t show nearly as often as it used to.  Life has thrown me curves, and I’ve learned to duck and swerve.  I refuse to get caught in the trap of my own negativity.

Tomorrow, I’ll go back to work.  It’ll be another long, stressful, yet glorious week.  I look forward to all the crazy dramatic challenges that will be thrown my way.  And my personal life… I’ll figure it out.  I always do.  Put on a good song, light a few candles, write in my blog, and suddenly, I know that I’ll find my way.

It’s Friday…

Second favorite F word

This week has been a long one.  Not in a bad way, just in a, I’m entirely grateful that it is almost over.  This weekend, I’m going on a road trip to a place I’ve never been.  I’m seriously excited as all heck for it.  I love going for a long drive.  It becomes an adventure.  What things will you see?  Who will you meet?  I find that I need to have little get-aways throughout the year in order to keep my own sanity.  This weekend is sure to fix me up good to last for at least another month. 🙂

What are you all up to this weekend?  Got any fun plans?