Tag: stress

The move is complete…

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Well, almost.  Tomorrow, I have to go meet the carpet cleaners at the house and then later tomorrow night, I have 1800Junk folks coming to pick up the last remaining load of randomness.  But that’s it.  It’s finished.  Now the unpacking begins.  The debates and compromises over what gets to stay and what gets to be donated or sold or trashed.  I love decorating a new home.  So far, in the 2 days we’ve been here, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed watching the house slowly turn into a home.  I didn’t expect to feel it.  Funny, my last house didn’t ever feel like a home.  I thought it was because I never fully unpacked, but here I sit, surrounded by boxes and I’m already starting to feel it.  A connection.  It’s just a house.  A house that I never thought would grow on me.. but it has.  Twice today, I had to stop myself from buying a few flowers to plant in the front garden.  Flowers and gardens are NOT a priority at this point.

daisy

I’m worried for my grandfather.  He’s not well.  He’s 90 years old and while I recognize that he’s had a long, full, amazing life; I’m not ready to live in a world where he’s not there to talk to or get advice from.  I’ve been telling myself for a few years now that this might be all we get.. that I should continue to make time to see both my grandparents now because they might not be here much longer.  Weird how we try and prepare ourselves for pain and grief… and yet.. in reality, there is nothing you can do to prepare.  It hurts.. plain and simple.

I’m a combination of all sorts of things today… exhausted from moving and packing and unpacking, frazzled from doing all of that with a 3 year old who wants to be mommy’s shadow and help pack up boxes I just unpacked, stressed with work related stuff per usual, hurting from a few ailments that decided to be mean heartless cruel pests during this move, and heartbroken and worried over my grandfather.  I’ve broken down more than a few times crying in the last couple of days.

shoes

On one hand… I’ve never been this happy in all my life.  I’ve never experienced the amount of hope for my future that I do right now.  It’s incredible.  I feel safe, and loved and happy for the first time… gosh, maybe ever in my life.  I don’t think I’ve ever really felt loved.  Ever. teardrop  BUT … on the other hand.. I’m bogged down with every stress, every frustration, every heart wrenching worry that my mind can throw at me.  I’m so scared to let everyone down.  I’m scared that if I fall apart, everyone will leave.  Ok, maybe not everyone, but the ones I really care about, the true ones that matter, I would be absolutely devastated to lose them.

Gift of Strength

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Tonight I got an odd lesson in where I learned to embrace my inner strength.  I always attributed it to my grandparents and mom.  It’s interesting, as an adult, how we see things differently than we did as a kid.  Tonight, I called my dad and went over there tonight with the kids.  We had a good time.  He kept pouring the wine and pestering me about what was up with me.  I finally broke down in tears.  Shared all that’s been weighing on me.  Dad doesn’t like tears.  His wife hugged me while I got the reaming I didn’t know I needed from my father.  He told me to put my walls back up, embrace my strength.  Stop worrying about pleasing every body else in my life and focus simply on me and my kids.

castle

To let no one into my walls unless they have earned it and truly deserve it.  He’s taken the stance that his life is his castle – he’ll defend it to the death and protect and care for what is truly his. Everything and everyone else – they are on the outside of his castle (myself included) and unless they come to him, he won’t bother about them and that I need to do the same.  Told me to tell other people to shove it and to just work and be happy in my castle.  He says it’s what I do, what I’ve always done.  Do it and quit being a coward.  He also said how he’s never worried about me.  In all that I’ve gone through, he’s never worried that I wouldn’t pull through.  I’d get lost and he knew I’d find my way.  That I was smart and quick on my toes as far as thinking things through and stubborn enough to pull anything off.  My dad can be very blunt.  🙂  As a child, I hated his lectures and rants, but as an adult, I recognize when I need them.

Poor T called in the middle of my dad’s lecture and in my wine induced loose tongue, I invited him to come join us with Dad.  He showed up with roses and snickerdoodle cookies (I know – he’s a keeper that one.  A man who’s brought me both steak, and now cookies).  We all ate dinner and enjoyed good home cooking, played with the kids, teased each other, and caught up.  I played a prank on my brother for him to find when he got home. I’m grateful to have spent the evening feeling relaxed, happy and in a better place with family that I love.  It was nice for T to see it too.  As messed up as we all are, my family is my family.  I love them.  I love spending time with them when we all can.  I loved having him there to share that with me.

Tomorrow, I will go to work.  I will do as Dad said (to some degree).  Going to put up my walls and just enjoy doing what I love doing.  Design.  I’m going to focus on the happy things in my life.  I’m going to follow my heart and do the things that will improve my life moving forward, rather than slow it up or hinder it.

courageous

It is time to conquer this.

Jen2 Comments

I went to my first counselor appointment today.  And let me just say, the need to write all this out is stronger than I’ve ever experienced.  I knew that the first appointment would be to gather a glimpse at some of my history, figure out where I am at and come up with a plan for treatment moving forward.  The appointment was supposed to last 45 minutes.  It went for a full hour and a half.  You know when a counselor exclaims “Wow you have such a rich history”… it must mean you are really screwed up.  LOL.  I don’t think I’ve ever had to throw it all out there like that in a timeline.  It was a bit of a shock to my system when I did and realized just how much I have been through, how much there was to screw me up.  No wonder I don’t feel my age.

Age 17 – hospitalized for depression
Age 19 – Got married to highschool sweetheart
Age 20 – Had a baby/ Experienced physical and emotional abuse first hand
Age 20 – Got divorced – Very messy, very scary time of my life full of restraining orders and such
Age 21 – Met a man with a son a little older than my own child
Age 22 – Got married / returned to school
Age 23 – Started my business
Age 24 – Diagnosed with major health issue – caused myself harm due to depression
Age 26 – Started working corporate
Age 27 – Got pregnant with Ben – had ben – lost ben/ watched family break apart
Age 28 – Started working for Microsoft/Pregnant with my little one/Miracle baby!
Age 29 – surgery to make it extremely unlikely to have more children
Age 30 – Divorce
Age 31 – Back to the world of dating (Ew)
Age 32 – Facing a potential miscarriage

Yup.  You read that last one right.  My chances were less than 3% to get pregnant again.  And here I sit, grieving for another little one… or at least what was the potential of a little one.  I feel like this one – it’s all my fault.  I got so stressed out this week.  Had I just found a way to settle and stay calm perhaps the results would not be this way?  I know that everything happens for a reason… I know that now was just not when I’d planned on getting pregnant – hell I never planned on getting pregnant again.  But what I didn’t know – was how much I wanted it, until “There is no heartbeat, I’m sorry.” came out of the doctor’s mouth.  I couldn’t breathe.  I couldn’t think.  I’m still reeling.  And now, I’m just waiting.  Waiting for my body to realize what’s happened and catch up.  I’m shaken up.  I’m scared.  Scared to lose T.  But I think more than anything else.  I’m scared to lose ME.  I’ve done so well in the last few years.  Worked through so much.  Seeing a counselor was long overdue.  But seeing her also made me see just how screwed up my life has been.  It made me realize just how scared I am.  How well I do at putting on my masks and posturing around how strong I am.  I’m not strong… I’m just too prideful to let anyone see me break, even myself.  I’m scared that everyone and everything I love will leave or walk away or be taken away.  I feel like I don’t deserve to be loved… that loving me would somehow cause others to be burdened by me.  Oy.  What a thing to realize.  What a thing to try and overcome.  But damn it… that’s my goal.  I’m going to beat this.  This low self esteem bull shit.  I’m going to prove to myself that I am worthy.  Ok, fine, i’m young.  I’ve had it hard.  But so have a LOT of people.  I’m not special.  I’m simply human.  And it means we keep swimming.  Even when we forget how to breathe.  I WILL conquer this.  Why?  Because I can.  Because I believe in my ability to learn and grow.  Because I want it that badly.

Thank god for stubbornness.

Revelations over pie

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pieI ate pie tonight.  Only had a small bite left before I realized I wanted a picture for this post, so you can have a picture of the best bite.  The bite I always save for last.  It was good.  It was while I was eating it that I came to an interesting revelation.  Life throws mean and nasty curve balls at us sometimes.  Things that are unfair, things that stretch us to the point where we think we’re sure to break.  We carry the weight of those choices around afterwards.  Sometimes, life gets you down.  The choice I am making is to be happy.  It’s ok to just be happy.  I’m not always going to make everyone else happy.  That’s life.  And there will certainly be times when I struggle or feel alone or down.  That’s ok too.  I think what I’m realizing is that it’s a choice you make, to allow yourself to be happy.  Stop beating ourselves up, stop comparing ourselves, stop overanalyzing every problem or negative quality and truly embrace a moment to be happy.

Tomorrow, I go back to work.  I’ve been nervous about getting my head in the game.  Tonight, I’m not nervous anymore.  Bring it on!  I’m going to embrace the happy.  Cuz it’s ok.  🙂

This revelation – brought to you by Marionberry Pie.  Nom Nom!

Goodnight Neverland!

“Vacation Depression”

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vacationdepression

My friend R and I were just talking about vacations.  She’s coined the term “Vacation Depression”.  It’s that stage you go through when you return to life after a vacation.  Yoda she is, so I decided to write about this interesting discussion here.

Vacation depression is when you head back into life, and everything hits you all at once.  Family, work, friendships, relationships.  That vacation relaxation bubble when you were care free, disappears and the responsibilities of being an adult hit you all over again.  It also seems to be the time when if something could go wrong, it will.  Stress will multiply, sometimes exponentially.  Makes you wonder why we go on vacations?

Tonight, I’m reminded that sometimes, life is short.  We all get caught up in a zone of all the little things that bother us, drag us down, or tie us up in knots.  Sometimes, we have to take a step back and look at the big picture.  Some of the little shit, it’s petty.  We don’t know what’s around the corner.  What tests are waiting to trip us up or bring us to the very brink of our own strength or sanity.

I’ve struggled this week with R’s “Vacation Depression”.  I keep dreaming that I hear the ocean.  I miss it.  I miss swimming in it every day.  Some people center themselves with meditation, some with a walk in the park.  Me?  I like to swim.  And that warm salty ocean was just what I needed.

Goodnight again Neverland.  Sleep well and dream of warm peaceful oceans. 🙂

Oh – and R… on your gravestone, it should say … Yoda, she was. 😉