Writing and Music

“I’ll just spend 10 minutes.”

It’s what I think every time I sit down to write a post.  I love it.  I crave it.  I sit and think about what I want to write in my next post…. I’ll be driving somewhere and have a thought or idea and start to spin a spider web of thoughts around that idea and then realize, hey that would make a great post! And invariably, I always forget what the thought was when I do finally sit down to write.  I sort of fall into a post.  I’ll start typing and soon I’m lost in the depths of a deep confession or feeling or memory.  It’s cathartic.  Sometimes it can be quite a rush.  Writing can cause deep pain, and incredible joy; it all depends on what topic is being written about.  Writing is in a lot of ways, like music is for me.

My brother has music playing loudly through the house right now.  I know he has it on random, but somehow, the random songs it plays are hitting home for me this morning.  I heard an ad on the radio yesterday that sums it up for me.

“Some people pray.  I turn my music up.”

That’s so true for me.  Music is something I use to push myself.  As my muse for inspiration.  I use it to express emotions… especially when I don’t quite know how.  Music has been a friend to me when no others could.  A shoulder to cry on, a coach to boost courage.  And what’s amazing, I know I’m not the only one who feels like that.  Music speaks to us in a different way.  It can reach even the coldest or most closed off hearts.  Our house almost always has music coming from it.  I love to dance around the house and teach my kids the different instruments they’re hearing.  My daughter is getting really good at it.  She also is really good at the guess that tune game.  Name the tune and artist of the song that’s playing as fast as you can.  If you’re good – under 10 seconds. 🙂

Music-equipment

Well, I suppose I should be off – have to go clean up and make the house spiffy for wine/chocolate night.  Have a great Saturday everyone!

A lot on the mind today..

Ever had one of those days where there is so much floating through the brain that you can’t even quite grasp a hold of a piece of it to fully analyze it?  That’s a bit where I’m at today.  Christmas is over, it came and went rather fast.  Was definitely an odd one, not bad, but different than the normal traditions.

My phone started blowing up around 9am on Christmas morning.  Texts from family, friends, old dates that I haven’t heard or wanted to hear from lol all wishing me a happy holiday and asking if I got everything I wanted.  Meh. do we EVER as adults? 🙂  And of course, there were the people who should have called or texted, and didn’t.  They never do.  My father being one of those people.  I decided this year, that I wasn’t going to call him.  It’s not that I don’t love the man.. I do.  But it’s a hurt love.  The kind where you know you shouldn’t – but you do.  You see, when I call him, I get guilted on why we never talk.  And yet, I always am the one to do the calling.  Apparently his phone only works one way.  I wanted to talk to my brother… but that means spending at least 20 minutes hearing Dad go all kissy kissy on the phone … saying how much he loves me and blah blah blah – yea ok dad.  I see you maybe 3 times a year if i’m lucky.  You know little to nothing about me, nor have you ever really cared to.  You flat out told me to my face growing up that you didn’t want to be my father, you’d rather be my friend.  And a lousy friend no less.  And aside from my ex, you’re probably the one man on the planet who’s done more emotional damage to me … the things you said after Ben passed away – all i can say is Fuck you and fuck off! 🙂  LOL.  But here I sit, feeling the old familiar guilt of being the bad daughter who didn’t call her dad.  Stupid guilt.

I didn’t hear from my best friend.  I don’t know that I can call him my best friend anymore.  I’ve reached out to him once a week for the last month or so; with only crickets for a response.  Did so again on christmas eve… thinking – well he might need space and distance from me – but it’s christmas!  Nope.  I hurt him.  Hard.  Didn’t mean to.  He wanted a lot more from me than I am or was capable of giving.  On that note… how do you mail a ring overseas?  I need to return it and feel like its so risky to send something so expensive and small via mail.  Sigh.  And quite frankly – I don’t handle distance well.  I miss him tho.  A 14 year friendship doesn’t just end over night.  At least not in my mind.  Maybe it wasn’t that big of a deal to him.  Who knows.  I wish him the best tho.  I really do.  I hope someday – he’ll realize that I wasn’t the girl for him anyway.  That I’ve always been his friend… and will always be rooting for him.  As a friend.

I’m also lost in thought about leaving my current job and starting my new one.  Feeling a mix of excitement and sadness from leaving some really cool team mates behind.  I just hope I can continue to wow them in the new gig.

I think I found a recording studio.  🙂  I used to be a singer.  Music was (and still is) very important to me.  I’ve looked for about a year to find a recording studio in seattle that will have the right musicians I could use to record some of my stuff before I “lose it”.  Would be nice to show my kids or grand kids someday “Look kids -your grandmother could bring people to tears with her voice once upon a time…” 🙂  I just hope it goes well.  I hate hearing myself over a recording.  It never sounds the same as it did from within my head.  Just need to figure out how many songs I want to capture.

Need to reclaim my house tonight when I get home.  It’s been taken over by the post holiday mess.  Should be good times! 🙂  Happy Thursday Everyone!!