Tag: mom

Why hello spine! It’s nice to see you!

Jen1 Comment

spine

Over the years, I’ve struggled with having a spine.  Standing up to others, dealing with conflict…these are things that I can be terrible at, and amazing at; depending on the topic at hand and the context of the situation.  I’m usually better at standing up for others over myself.

In the last few weeks, I’ve re-joined a support group that I used to work with on a regular basis.  And in the last few weeks, thanks to some of the incredible men and women in this group, I have noticed a shift in my own confidence, my ability to communicate my feelings and needs and my ability to stand up and shut down situations where I am uncomfortable or upset.  I’m re-learning how to set healthy, appropriate boundaries.  It feels good.  Heck, it feels GREAT.

BUT…

Something that I have noticed about myself in doing this is that when I make great strides in my own emotional well-being, I tend to get a bit antsy when the folks i love and care about aren’t doing it for themselves.  I am learning to wear my big girl panties with pride.  To be an adult, and own my responsibilities.  If I promise something, I keep my promise.  If I know I won’t be able to keep my word, I don’t make the promise.  If for some weird reason, I can’t keep my promise, I find a way to make up for it and essentially still make do on what I swore I’d do.

I’m also learning that the only thing I can truly control, is me and my actions, feelings and reactions to others.  I can’t force someone to keep their word.  What I wish I could do, however, was control how I feel when someone doesn’t keep their word.

I’ve had that happen to me recently.  I’ve given this person a chance to make it right.  They essentially have a few weeks to figure out a plan and make good on their promises before I will have to decide what I plan on doing next in regards to our relationship.  I won’t lie, it’s a bit frustrating when I consider that the solution is really quite simple and would be very easy to get accomplished.  They know what those solutions are… now it’s on them.  I hate the waiting.  I hate not knowing whether someone will essentially act like the grown up they are or if they will continue to show me that they are a child.  I want to yell… “Dude!?  Grow UP!  It’s not hard!!”  Sigh.  Isn’t life fun?

Perhaps I’m a Mom with High Standards?

Jen1 Comment

Sometimes I think I owe my parents a huge apology.  I can remember being a brat to them.  I can remember doing it and not even fully knowing why I was doing it.  Tonight, my four year old pulled it on me.  He’s been testing me all week and tonight it came to a climax.  I love him so much, and yet sometimes, he frustrates the fuck out of me.  I had to walk into the hallway and count to ten before going back in his room to handle him.

It’s nights like these, when I feel like a total failure as a mom.  My usually unending patience reaches it’s low point and I can’t take anymore.  When I don’t care that he only has 6 of his 12 stuffed animals, and I don’t want to play the window open, now window shut game.  It was a long day and all I can think about is how lovely it will feel to lay down and shut my eyes and sleep.

You cannot fail

My son has so much energy.  More than my daughter ever had, and that’s saying something.  He’s either on or off.  There is never an in-between.  When he’s up and awake, he’s non-stop running around, making noise, talking, asking a million questions at 100 miles a minute.

I know I’m not a bad mom, but when the patience level runs that low, it makes me wonder.  I love being a parent, and yet if my patience can drop like that – maybe it somehow means I shouldn’t have.  Maybe it somehow signals that I’m a screw up?  I’ve read a ton of articles that say I’m not.  Met plenty of mom’s who all grow through these same feelings.  That makes it easier… and yet it still doesn’t erase those little seeds of doubt.

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Where did these ideals even come from?  Why are women and mothers so preoccupied with being our own versions of a super mom?  Ok, that’s a generalization, as not every mom is preoccupied with that.  But it sure seems that a large majority of mothers compare themselves to other mothers, as well as compare our children to other children. Why?  Where did we get this silly notion that perfection within a human being can even be achieved?  It’s hypocrisy.  We are human.  Our children are also human.  We’re fallible. When, if ever, will we be satisfied with that?  When, if ever, will it be ok to realize that you just need to take a mommy time out and relax?

My standards aren’t really even my standards.  They come from examples I had growing up, from movies and books, from friends and their parents, and neighbors and teachers.  They are the standards set by the society I surrounded myself with.  It makes me question… what ARE my standards of me?

If I think about it.. I really kind of only have a select few.

1.  Always give everything you’ve got. Try and keep trying, even when you fail.

2.  Share an endless supply of love.  There should never be a question in anyone’s mind.  If you’re my family, then I love you and you should know it by how I act and what I say.  Love is infinite, there’s always more of it give.

3.  Be loyal and show respect.  I take care of others before myself; not because I don’t value myself, but because I respect others.  If I have something that someone in my family wants or needs… I’ll give it up, or share it.  That’s just the way of it.

4. I aim to never shame myself or my family.  This falls into the being good and moral and doing what’s right kind of category.  To uphold myself and those I love in the very best of standings that I can.

There are more, but I’d say these are probably the top on my list.  Some of my friends say I’m an odd traditionalist at times.  Looking at this list.. am I?  Maybe the newer generations don’t think like this?  I don’t know.  I’d be curious to find out.

Goodnight neverland.  I’m going to go enjoy a mai tai and try and get a little relaxation before I drift off and start another day.  🙂  Much love.

lipstick kiss

It is mother’s day…

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Mom_throwawayAs of today, I’ve been a mother for 13 years.  I’ve been a mother to my daughter, I’ve been a step mother to my ex’s son, and I’ve been a mother to my two sons.  Funny, I’ve never considered mother’s day to be a day for me.  It’s always been a day to celebrate my own mother and grandmother, or the children’s grandparents.  Making a fuss over me, has never really been done and it’s just not something I even consider, let alone expect on this day.

And yet…

I am a mother.  A good one.  My children are people who I am incredibly proud of and enjoy not only looking after but befriending as they get older.  I can already see the types of people these children are going to be as they get older.

Being a mother is something I always knew I wanted to be.  I always wanted to have a larger family.  Heck, I wanted to be the stay at home who’d do all the crafts and baking and pillow forts and weird kooky science experiments.  Funny, when I look back – I had moments in my time as a mother on this planet where I did just that… and then again – I look at my time as a mom and realize just how different it all really turned out.

To Note: I’m not complaining in any way shape or form.. I am grateful for where I am in life.  I just think it’s interesting how much a person’s plans and dreams for the future change over the course of time.  Having a large family is just not in the cards anymore.  And I’ve come to terms with that as best as I could.  Besides… it kind of takes more than just me to have that kind of dream.  And I’d never dream of forcing my dream onto another.  I make the very most out of what I’ve got in front of me.  I’ve got 2 amazing children in my life full time, and 1 amazing (ex) step son who I see as often as I can.  And another waiting for me “on the other side”.  That can be enough.

Becoming a parent has truly been one of the most fulfilling, rewarding, amazing experiences I could have ever asked for.  Sure, there are moments when I’d like to run away with my hands covering my ears, screaming “La La La.. I can’t HEAR you!”  Especially when the 3 year old is going on and on with the “Mom, I want this, or Mom I want that.”  But then I look at my daughter.  She’s becoming a woman.  Not just a woman, but someone that I’d actually want to hang out with as a friend.  She’s someone who I can already sense is going to shift and shape the world under her own to feet.  She’s someone who questions the way the world works and why in way that shows me just how much she’s going to impact it.  I’m already filled with incredible pride over who she is and can’t imagine my life without her in it.

Today may be mother’s day… but really – it’s a day that I remember just how much I love my children.  What and who I’ve made sacrifices for.  Who I continue to find and build strength for.

The family that I love and adore.

lipstick kiss

Goodnight Neverland.  Much love.

The move is complete…

Jen2 Comments

Well, almost.  Tomorrow, I have to go meet the carpet cleaners at the house and then later tomorrow night, I have 1800Junk folks coming to pick up the last remaining load of randomness.  But that’s it.  It’s finished.  Now the unpacking begins.  The debates and compromises over what gets to stay and what gets to be donated or sold or trashed.  I love decorating a new home.  So far, in the 2 days we’ve been here, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed watching the house slowly turn into a home.  I didn’t expect to feel it.  Funny, my last house didn’t ever feel like a home.  I thought it was because I never fully unpacked, but here I sit, surrounded by boxes and I’m already starting to feel it.  A connection.  It’s just a house.  A house that I never thought would grow on me.. but it has.  Twice today, I had to stop myself from buying a few flowers to plant in the front garden.  Flowers and gardens are NOT a priority at this point.

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I’m worried for my grandfather.  He’s not well.  He’s 90 years old and while I recognize that he’s had a long, full, amazing life; I’m not ready to live in a world where he’s not there to talk to or get advice from.  I’ve been telling myself for a few years now that this might be all we get.. that I should continue to make time to see both my grandparents now because they might not be here much longer.  Weird how we try and prepare ourselves for pain and grief… and yet.. in reality, there is nothing you can do to prepare.  It hurts.. plain and simple.

I’m a combination of all sorts of things today… exhausted from moving and packing and unpacking, frazzled from doing all of that with a 3 year old who wants to be mommy’s shadow and help pack up boxes I just unpacked, stressed with work related stuff per usual, hurting from a few ailments that decided to be mean heartless cruel pests during this move, and heartbroken and worried over my grandfather.  I’ve broken down more than a few times crying in the last couple of days.

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On one hand… I’ve never been this happy in all my life.  I’ve never experienced the amount of hope for my future that I do right now.  It’s incredible.  I feel safe, and loved and happy for the first time… gosh, maybe ever in my life.  I don’t think I’ve ever really felt loved.  Ever. teardrop  BUT … on the other hand.. I’m bogged down with every stress, every frustration, every heart wrenching worry that my mind can throw at me.  I’m so scared to let everyone down.  I’m scared that if I fall apart, everyone will leave.  Ok, maybe not everyone, but the ones I really care about, the true ones that matter, I would be absolutely devastated to lose them.

Friendships and a leap of faith

Jen1 Comment

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Today was a rough one for me and for a multitude of reasons.

Work.  Family.  Loved Ones.  All three have weighed pretty heavy on the mind today.

I took a leap of faith at work today.  I took a stand on something.  I ignored the chain of command and spoke from the heart.  It’s something I feel passionately about, and have hit many brick walls when beating the drum lower down the chain.  I don’t know yet, what’s going to happen.  I can sit and play the what if game – and yea, I did that plenty today; breaking down the options in all directions, both positive and negative.  Got very upset over it actually.  Got very stressed over it too.  My career is something I’m very proud of.  The longer I do this, the more I come to realize just how little I still know.  How junior I still am – even though I’m not.  If this goes the way I think it will, I will find myself in a position to lead in a new way.  I don’t know how I feel about that.  I hate politics.  I don’t want to play.

I was stressed to the max about it all and ended up going and having coffee with a new friend.  I’ve gone out with her only a couple of times but I already like her.  She’s a very cool person.  I almost cancelled on her, not wanting to show her the grumpy side of Jen.  But when I walked into the coffee shop – she confessed that she was in a grump mood herself, so I laughed and thought – how perfect is that?!  We pulled each other out of the angry grumpy mood with laughter and girl chat and mooning a gym (story for another day).  I needed it, and was so grateful to have had that time with her.

Tomorrow I get to go see my real brother graduate from high school.  I’m proud of him and so happy that he asked that I attend.  How could I possibly say no?  BUT.. going also means I see my father.  And that always has a price.  Usually an emotional one on me.  I need to find a way to put it away.  To forgive and move forward on this one.  I know part of it is that it will just take some time…but I also know that I have to be willing to call a spade a spade and move forward.  I just hope that when faced with it, I can do just that because quite frankly, I’m sick of feeling hurt over it all.  I’m a different woman now, someone he doesn’t even really know.

I grieved a little bit tonight.  I didn’t mean to.  Ha, that sounds funny.  I was hanging with one of my closest girlfriend’s, we’ll call her R, we’d had dinner and dessert and were drinking a bit of amazing port wine she’d picked up.  We’d been talking and laughing over all sorts of things, I’d shared my stress about work, we talked about boys (hey, sometimes girl talk is so much fun!) and because she recently lost a family member, we also were talking about grief.   I ended up confessing to her why I think I’ve been in a bit of a funk.  I reminisced a bit, cried a bunch…

This is the 5 year mark.  Ben’s birthday in October will mark 5 years.  Just writing that makes me gulp for air a bit.  Odd.  Why is this anniversary bothering me so much?  I’ve been stewing over it for a few days and I have a few ideas around it.

When my son passed away, he was in my arms.  I remember watching as he took his last breath.  So calm.  And so still afterwards.  I whispered to him before he went, that I loved him with all my heart, and that I swore to him that I’d get healthy and find happiness.  I must have sat there and watched for 20 minutes just praying I’d see his chest move or hear him breathe on his own.  He was so warm still, he looked like he was just sleeping.  When I finally put him down, I couldn’t leave the room.  I remember watching as my mom packed up some of his stuffed animals, and thinking “What are you doing?!  He needs those!”  I felt like my feet were full of lead, or like I was literally grounded to the floor.  The nurse saw me and told me to breathe.  I couldn’t do it.  I couldn’t remember how.  Shock.  And then I looked around the room and saw my husband crumbling.  I saw his mom and my mom, my grandparents, my family and friends in grief and just breaking.  I put it away.  Somehow.  I don’t know how.  I knew that one of us had to stay strong.  I put on my smile and hugged my daughter and step son.

I put in a CD on the way home, just grabbed one, I doubt I even had the desire to read the cover.  It was the Fray.  Everyone cried the whole way home, but I just listened to the music.  Numb but calm.  That CD would become a very important one to me… I listened to it over and over and over.  It helped me sort through what was going on in my head.  I buried myself in work.  Bringing money in was the one thing I could do to ensure that even though everyone was breaking, at least we’d have a home and food and electricity.  I put up the xmas tree in the place where his crib was.  This is why every year on Ben’s birthday – we put up the xmas tree.  It’s weird I know…. to have a xmas tree up before Halloween… but it brought light and sparkle to a place in the house that suddenly felt very dark.  I continued that numb calm state for 3 years.  Always the strong one.  Never happy.  And getting unhealthier by the day.  When I finally decided to divorce, that first anniversary – was interesting.  I wrote about it on this blog.  This year will be my second anniversary alone.   I’m a LOT healthier than I was.  Still working on that one a bit I’ll admit, but progress is progress.  And happiness.  I embrace it, every day.  I spread it around as often as I possibly can.  It was my promise to Ben.

All of that said – I haven’t grieved.  I know this.  I’ve known it for a long time.  I want to honor him this year.  In some way.  Plant a tree or float flowers down a river, donate to Children’s Hospital or something.  I feel like this October could be tough on me.  But maybe if I plan something to honor, the grief won’t overtake.  He wouldn’t want me to grieve.  He’d want me to find a way to bring about happiness.  I refuse to become another workaholic – as I know that is also not the answer.

I’d texted “T” that I was having a rough moment.  I was going to leave it at that.  But in a rare moment, and after some confirmation from R that I wasn’t being dumb… I also added that I needed to be honest, and that I really kind of needed my support system.  You see, I don’t’ often ask for help.  I HATE doing that actually.  I admitted that I was being stupid and needy and clingy.  And that quite frankly, no one should have to put up with THAT.  LOL.  I hate hearing about clingy, annoying, attention-seeking dumb females.  I don’t want to be ANY of those adjectives…especially to him.  But, I’m also trying to work on speaking up and communicating.  In allowing myself to be vulnerable to the people closest to me, and trusting that I’ll be safe with them.  And to be honest, T is becoming one of my best friends.  He’s someone I care about in a way I haven’t cared about someone for a very long time.  He’s someone I find myself hoping will be in my life for a very long time.  We’ve spent tons of time together and always have a blast.  But, becoming best friends takes time…. and I have no expectations for anything from any of my friends.  I certainly didn’t think he’d drop what he was doing and come over, but he did, such a sweet, caring man.  I was already feeling a lot better about my day, but that really helped bring me back to feeling whole again.  I feel truly blessed to have the people in my life that I do.

Well – I need sleep.  Goodnight Neverland.

XXO!