Over the years, I’ve struggled with having a spine.  Standing up to others, dealing with conflict…these are things that I can be terrible at, and amazing at; depending on the topic at hand and the context of the situation.  I’m usually better at standing up for others over myself.

In the last few weeks, I’ve re-joined a support group that I used to work with on a regular basis.  And in the last few weeks, thanks to some of the incredible men and women in this group, I have noticed a shift in my own confidence, my ability to communicate my feelings and needs and my ability to stand up and shut down situations where I am uncomfortable or upset.  I’m re-learning how to set healthy, appropriate boundaries.  It feels good.  Heck, it feels GREAT.

BUT…

Something that I have noticed about myself in doing this is that when I make great strides in my own emotional well-being, I tend to get a bit antsy when the folks i love and care about aren’t doing it for themselves.  I am learning to wear my big girl panties with pride.  To be an adult, and own my responsibilities.  If I promise something, I keep my promise.  If I know I won’t be able to keep my word, I don’t make the promise.  If for some weird reason, I can’t keep my promise, I find a way to make up for it and essentially still make do on what I swore I’d do.

I’m also learning that the only thing I can truly control, is me and my actions, feelings and reactions to others.  I can’t force someone to keep their word.  What I wish I could do, however, was control how I feel when someone doesn’t keep their word.

I’ve had that happen to me recently.  I’ve given this person a chance to make it right.  They essentially have a few weeks to figure out a plan and make good on their promises before I will have to decide what I plan on doing next in regards to our relationship.  I won’t lie, it’s a bit frustrating when I consider that the solution is really quite simple and would be very easy to get accomplished.  They know what those solutions are… now it’s on them.  I hate the waiting.  I hate not knowing whether someone will essentially act like the grown up they are or if they will continue to show me that they are a child.  I want to yell… “Dude!?  Grow UP!  It’s not hard!!”  Sigh.  Isn’t life fun?