Tag: parents

Why hello spine! It’s nice to see you!

Jen1 Comment

spine

Over the years, I’ve struggled with having a spine.  Standing up to others, dealing with conflict…these are things that I can be terrible at, and amazing at; depending on the topic at hand and the context of the situation.  I’m usually better at standing up for others over myself.

In the last few weeks, I’ve re-joined a support group that I used to work with on a regular basis.  And in the last few weeks, thanks to some of the incredible men and women in this group, I have noticed a shift in my own confidence, my ability to communicate my feelings and needs and my ability to stand up and shut down situations where I am uncomfortable or upset.  I’m re-learning how to set healthy, appropriate boundaries.  It feels good.  Heck, it feels GREAT.

BUT…

Something that I have noticed about myself in doing this is that when I make great strides in my own emotional well-being, I tend to get a bit antsy when the folks i love and care about aren’t doing it for themselves.  I am learning to wear my big girl panties with pride.  To be an adult, and own my responsibilities.  If I promise something, I keep my promise.  If I know I won’t be able to keep my word, I don’t make the promise.  If for some weird reason, I can’t keep my promise, I find a way to make up for it and essentially still make do on what I swore I’d do.

I’m also learning that the only thing I can truly control, is me and my actions, feelings and reactions to others.  I can’t force someone to keep their word.  What I wish I could do, however, was control how I feel when someone doesn’t keep their word.

I’ve had that happen to me recently.  I’ve given this person a chance to make it right.  They essentially have a few weeks to figure out a plan and make good on their promises before I will have to decide what I plan on doing next in regards to our relationship.  I won’t lie, it’s a bit frustrating when I consider that the solution is really quite simple and would be very easy to get accomplished.  They know what those solutions are… now it’s on them.  I hate the waiting.  I hate not knowing whether someone will essentially act like the grown up they are or if they will continue to show me that they are a child.  I want to yell… “Dude!?  Grow UP!  It’s not hard!!”  Sigh.  Isn’t life fun?

Perhaps I’m a Mom with High Standards?

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Sometimes I think I owe my parents a huge apology.  I can remember being a brat to them.  I can remember doing it and not even fully knowing why I was doing it.  Tonight, my four year old pulled it on me.  He’s been testing me all week and tonight it came to a climax.  I love him so much, and yet sometimes, he frustrates the fuck out of me.  I had to walk into the hallway and count to ten before going back in his room to handle him.

It’s nights like these, when I feel like a total failure as a mom.  My usually unending patience reaches it’s low point and I can’t take anymore.  When I don’t care that he only has 6 of his 12 stuffed animals, and I don’t want to play the window open, now window shut game.  It was a long day and all I can think about is how lovely it will feel to lay down and shut my eyes and sleep.

You cannot fail

My son has so much energy.  More than my daughter ever had, and that’s saying something.  He’s either on or off.  There is never an in-between.  When he’s up and awake, he’s non-stop running around, making noise, talking, asking a million questions at 100 miles a minute.

I know I’m not a bad mom, but when the patience level runs that low, it makes me wonder.  I love being a parent, and yet if my patience can drop like that – maybe it somehow means I shouldn’t have.  Maybe it somehow signals that I’m a screw up?  I’ve read a ton of articles that say I’m not.  Met plenty of mom’s who all grow through these same feelings.  That makes it easier… and yet it still doesn’t erase those little seeds of doubt.

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Where did these ideals even come from?  Why are women and mothers so preoccupied with being our own versions of a super mom?  Ok, that’s a generalization, as not every mom is preoccupied with that.  But it sure seems that a large majority of mothers compare themselves to other mothers, as well as compare our children to other children. Why?  Where did we get this silly notion that perfection within a human being can even be achieved?  It’s hypocrisy.  We are human.  Our children are also human.  We’re fallible. When, if ever, will we be satisfied with that?  When, if ever, will it be ok to realize that you just need to take a mommy time out and relax?

My standards aren’t really even my standards.  They come from examples I had growing up, from movies and books, from friends and their parents, and neighbors and teachers.  They are the standards set by the society I surrounded myself with.  It makes me question… what ARE my standards of me?

If I think about it.. I really kind of only have a select few.

1.  Always give everything you’ve got. Try and keep trying, even when you fail.

2.  Share an endless supply of love.  There should never be a question in anyone’s mind.  If you’re my family, then I love you and you should know it by how I act and what I say.  Love is infinite, there’s always more of it give.

3.  Be loyal and show respect.  I take care of others before myself; not because I don’t value myself, but because I respect others.  If I have something that someone in my family wants or needs… I’ll give it up, or share it.  That’s just the way of it.

4. I aim to never shame myself or my family.  This falls into the being good and moral and doing what’s right kind of category.  To uphold myself and those I love in the very best of standings that I can.

There are more, but I’d say these are probably the top on my list.  Some of my friends say I’m an odd traditionalist at times.  Looking at this list.. am I?  Maybe the newer generations don’t think like this?  I don’t know.  I’d be curious to find out.

Goodnight neverland.  I’m going to go enjoy a mai tai and try and get a little relaxation before I drift off and start another day.  🙂  Much love.

lipstick kiss

The move is complete…

Jen2 Comments

Well, almost.  Tomorrow, I have to go meet the carpet cleaners at the house and then later tomorrow night, I have 1800Junk folks coming to pick up the last remaining load of randomness.  But that’s it.  It’s finished.  Now the unpacking begins.  The debates and compromises over what gets to stay and what gets to be donated or sold or trashed.  I love decorating a new home.  So far, in the 2 days we’ve been here, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed watching the house slowly turn into a home.  I didn’t expect to feel it.  Funny, my last house didn’t ever feel like a home.  I thought it was because I never fully unpacked, but here I sit, surrounded by boxes and I’m already starting to feel it.  A connection.  It’s just a house.  A house that I never thought would grow on me.. but it has.  Twice today, I had to stop myself from buying a few flowers to plant in the front garden.  Flowers and gardens are NOT a priority at this point.

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I’m worried for my grandfather.  He’s not well.  He’s 90 years old and while I recognize that he’s had a long, full, amazing life; I’m not ready to live in a world where he’s not there to talk to or get advice from.  I’ve been telling myself for a few years now that this might be all we get.. that I should continue to make time to see both my grandparents now because they might not be here much longer.  Weird how we try and prepare ourselves for pain and grief… and yet.. in reality, there is nothing you can do to prepare.  It hurts.. plain and simple.

I’m a combination of all sorts of things today… exhausted from moving and packing and unpacking, frazzled from doing all of that with a 3 year old who wants to be mommy’s shadow and help pack up boxes I just unpacked, stressed with work related stuff per usual, hurting from a few ailments that decided to be mean heartless cruel pests during this move, and heartbroken and worried over my grandfather.  I’ve broken down more than a few times crying in the last couple of days.

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On one hand… I’ve never been this happy in all my life.  I’ve never experienced the amount of hope for my future that I do right now.  It’s incredible.  I feel safe, and loved and happy for the first time… gosh, maybe ever in my life.  I don’t think I’ve ever really felt loved.  Ever. teardrop  BUT … on the other hand.. I’m bogged down with every stress, every frustration, every heart wrenching worry that my mind can throw at me.  I’m so scared to let everyone down.  I’m scared that if I fall apart, everyone will leave.  Ok, maybe not everyone, but the ones I really care about, the true ones that matter, I would be absolutely devastated to lose them.

Gift of Strength

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Tonight I got an odd lesson in where I learned to embrace my inner strength.  I always attributed it to my grandparents and mom.  It’s interesting, as an adult, how we see things differently than we did as a kid.  Tonight, I called my dad and went over there tonight with the kids.  We had a good time.  He kept pouring the wine and pestering me about what was up with me.  I finally broke down in tears.  Shared all that’s been weighing on me.  Dad doesn’t like tears.  His wife hugged me while I got the reaming I didn’t know I needed from my father.  He told me to put my walls back up, embrace my strength.  Stop worrying about pleasing every body else in my life and focus simply on me and my kids.

castle

To let no one into my walls unless they have earned it and truly deserve it.  He’s taken the stance that his life is his castle – he’ll defend it to the death and protect and care for what is truly his. Everything and everyone else – they are on the outside of his castle (myself included) and unless they come to him, he won’t bother about them and that I need to do the same.  Told me to tell other people to shove it and to just work and be happy in my castle.  He says it’s what I do, what I’ve always done.  Do it and quit being a coward.  He also said how he’s never worried about me.  In all that I’ve gone through, he’s never worried that I wouldn’t pull through.  I’d get lost and he knew I’d find my way.  That I was smart and quick on my toes as far as thinking things through and stubborn enough to pull anything off.  My dad can be very blunt.  🙂  As a child, I hated his lectures and rants, but as an adult, I recognize when I need them.

Poor T called in the middle of my dad’s lecture and in my wine induced loose tongue, I invited him to come join us with Dad.  He showed up with roses and snickerdoodle cookies (I know – he’s a keeper that one.  A man who’s brought me both steak, and now cookies).  We all ate dinner and enjoyed good home cooking, played with the kids, teased each other, and caught up.  I played a prank on my brother for him to find when he got home. I’m grateful to have spent the evening feeling relaxed, happy and in a better place with family that I love.  It was nice for T to see it too.  As messed up as we all are, my family is my family.  I love them.  I love spending time with them when we all can.  I loved having him there to share that with me.

Tomorrow, I will go to work.  I will do as Dad said (to some degree).  Going to put up my walls and just enjoy doing what I love doing.  Design.  I’m going to focus on the happy things in my life.  I’m going to follow my heart and do the things that will improve my life moving forward, rather than slow it up or hinder it.

courageous

The making of a home…and memories

Jen3 Comments

ImagePacking and moving.  I’ve spent the last week slowly making my way through 10 years worth of memories and stuff.  It’s been a great week.  The amount of stuff being donated or tossed is crazy, but in a good way.  It feels good to lighten the load and downsize.  I’m only bringing things into the new house that I actually use and want.  And today, my parents came and saw the new place.  I haven’t felt so nervous about a home in a while.  Would they like it?  Would they approve?  Or would this be a reason to question all that I’ve been doing with my life over the last year and a half?  They loved it.  They hung out for a while.  My mom ran around with my son, taking pictures so she could share with the grandparents.  My step dad made a joke about the front door that will now become a prank to be sure.  We talked about all my stuff.  You see, in my current house, I have 2 dining rooms.  I have 2 living rooms… a large kitchen… a library, a guest room and 2 kids bedrooms… plus mine and the bros rooms.  PLUS the garage.  It’s a LOT.  The ex took a lot when he moved, still has a lot here tho.  I’ve given away a ton.  I’m excited for the new place.  It’s a fresh start for me.  The house is .. well.. perfect for me.  It’s not too big.  It’s quiet and peaceful..the bro has his own space..away from everyone else’s while he figures out getting on his feet again.  I can even picture what I’d do with that space when he does move forward again. 

I had a moment yesterday.  I had some running around to do prior to going to my best friend’s birthday bash.  I decided to take some things to the new house and shower over there.  Be the first to shower in the new house…hehe, I know – I’m a dork.  I was there by myself, as everyone else was still at the old house packing up a van to bring it over.  I had an aria in my head, no clue how it got there, and found myself singing in my bathroom as I unpacked my bag.  I noticed the acoustics were WAY better than my old bathroom and it got me curious.  Imagine if you will, me, singing at the top of my lungs – which let me tell you – I can seriously belt it – walking through each room of my new house.  Embracing happiness, dancing to my own music… trying out different things with different room acoustics and singing like I haven’t in a long while.  I was having a BALL.  Then it dawned on me that any minute the van would pull up and I decided to cut the solo concert short.  😀  But all in all, it was good. 

ImageYou see, I have 2 ways of singing.  The singing I do “for fun” where I sound every day and normal and I’m just messing around…and the singing that comes from some place a little deeper.  I trained professionally for about 6 years or so.  Performed in a few musicals, many recitals and concerts, did a few football games things like that.  That’s when my vibrato comes out… that’s when I journey to some place else.  It’s fun.  But I’m shy to share it with others.  Well – I am and i’m not.  I’ll do it in karaoke occasionally.  They’re strangers.  But letting people I know hear me?  Meh… that’s nerve wracking.  It means so much to me.  I’ve lost so much just in the years I’ve stopped training.  My kids have heard it, Kristen has heard it, My bro, my ex’s.  My parents and grandparents.  Well – some of them, not all.  It takes a lot to earn that trust.  lol. 

Funnily enough, my real father has heard me sing.  I invited him once to a recital.  A bit more intimate.  I painstakingly chose the songs I wanted to sing.  My teacher’s had requirements I had to fit within.  I was allowed 3 songs.  No contemporary music was allowed. This would be the moment…the moment I’d show that man that his daughter was someone to be proud of.  I could sing and I wanted to wow the hell out of him.  I wanted to choose songs to explain how I felt.  As bad as it may seem, I wanted to make him cry.  I chose “Cry me a River” (Jazz), Wishing you were somehow here again (Phantom of the Opera), and a french aria that was about a woman who grew up and realized that she was a powerful amazing strong woman – despite her father.  hehe.   There were about 5-6 of us performing that night.  In a cozy little church.  In between songs, we’d sit with our families.  My dad showed up late and sat a few rows behind my parents and I.  I remember my mom passed me a note on one of the pieces of paper from the pews saying to not worry and to just BELT it.  she knew that was where my music ability shined the brightest.  I think she knew how important this moment was to me.  I got up there and sang..and sang..and SANG.  Each song was better than the first, because each time I got up there I had more conviction…and less butterflies.  My dad was in tears when it was done.  I felt like I was flying.  🙂

Running through my new house singing…made me realize just how much I want to make sure to make it a home.  I left thinking of decor ideas and all sorts of things.  And tonight, I spent a ton of time researching and getting inspiration on pinterest.  And I’ve come to kind of an interesting conclusion.  A happy one of course.  I went about building my home backwards.  And I’m so pleased I did.  I focused on me, my kids, my family and friends first.  Building those relationships to be strong and true at their core.  Spending time with them, quality time, not just superficial garbage.  We have tons of photos, paintings, quotes and sayings…things that mean something to us…those are going to go up.  This is going to be the coolest place ever – because it’s not the decor, or the material stuff that makes a house a home… it’s the people and the love in it. 

Goodnight never-land.  XXO

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