Tag: mom

Parenting is tough business

Jen1 Comment

It’s friday and I am beyond grateful. Truthfully tho, even the coming weekend has me stressed.  Yesterday, I got into a huge argument with my daughter.  It started out ok, we were working through everything and I was holding my patience fairly well.  But after dealing with a stubborn tween for a few hours… I lost it.  I yelled.  I cried.  I’m not proud of myself.  Yes, everything I said needed to be said, but I hate that my own child could push me to a point where I was THAT upset.

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I think what I hate about fighting with my own child is that in the end… both of us are hurting.  I know she’s shaken off yesterday, she’s been bouncing around this morning, her usual chipper self.  She even made me coffee while I started my workday. And I know that I need to do the same thing… but I’m struggling with it.  After we got home yesterday, after the huge blow out, I sat outside thinking about how maybe I’m not qualified to do this.  That maybe my own mental health is too shaky to try and handle guiding a pre-teen who’s having some very serious mental health issues herself?  I don’t know… I know I do a good job.  I know that my kids know that they are loved and that their mom is their biggest advocate for their happiness and overall success… BUT… I also know that I’m the queen at putting on a mask and sticking my head in the sand.  I’ve never had a healthy relationship.  The coping skills that I have and use on a regular basis aren’t working for my teenage girl… maybe that means they aren’t the best.

I’ve also been thinking about the fact that I will no longer get breaks.  Before all of this happened, I’d get 3 weekends a month to myself, where I could plan outtings with friends, dates, and take care of projects that work more smoothly when little one aren’t around.  Now, those plans and schedules are all changed.  I’m now 100% mom – all the time.  And I don’t mind… but there is a part of me that is sad to lose those breaks and the “me” time.  And while I realize that having time for me is important, and that ultimately, I should probably find a way to still get at least a couple hours a week to myself… for my own health and well-being… I’m just not sure how to go about it.  It feels selfish.

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I think something that really hit home yesterday for me, was that this wasn’t the dream.

Don’t misunderstand… I’m over the ex.  Completely.  But I think I’m still mourning the dream of what was to be.   If that makes any sense.  When we got married, I had visions of our family.  I dreamed of the children we’d have, the life we’d create.  Of course, NONE of those dreams could be a reality while he was lost in his own world of alcohol addiction… but I can say, I never dreamed of raising my children essentially by myself.

On Tuesday, we all went to an award ceremony for an art competition my daughter had entered at school.  It was across many schools in the district.  She won 2nd place.  I’d called the grandparents and the ex a week ago to let them know when the ceremony would be and how much it would mean to my daughter if they came out and showed their support.  I was surprised when grandma and grandpa showed up .. as it’s a long drive for them, in some of the worst rush hour traffic.  But the ex… he didn’t show.  He called me the next morning apologizing and saying how he felt like garbage that he completely forgot about it.  I told him not to fret.. it is what it is… but after I hung up, I couldn’t help but feel very sad about it all.  My daughter needs her village right now… she needs the strong loving support of family and friends to show her that she’s not alone.  That we are all here for her, and rooting for her, and that she has absolutely no reason to harm herself or feel lost.  But I think what’s hit me pretty hard in the last couple of days… maybe it’s not just my daughter who needs that.  Maybe I do too.

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Between bills, work, my daughter’s safety and happiness, the house… I’ve got a lot of pressure to measure up on my shoulders.  And damn it but I’m going to figure out the right way to take care of my responsibilities and do what I need to do to make it in this big bad world… but sometimes, I close my eyes and feel disappointed and heart broken that it all ended up this way.  And I’m not entirely sure how to go about it all without falling down myself.  I guess… if I trip… I just have to get back up.  Keep plugging along.  I’ll get there.

Off to get on with my day – much love to you Neverland.  Smile today.

lipstick kiss

I don’t think I like parenting teens…

Jen1 Comment

Wow, it’s been a pretty crazy couple of days, and I think at this point, I just need to get some of this out, because churning on it in my head is just making me sick to my stomach.

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My daughter.  Sigh.  She’s 13 going on fricken 30.  And had you asked me a month ago, I’d have said, “we’ve got this!  She’s my good girl!”  And a month ago, I believed that.

On friday, I got a call from her school.  She took off from school after getting into an argument with some teachers.  They didn’t know where she was.  Thankfully, I was home, and I tracked her down.  Told her to get her butt home and that she was going to lose her phone and computer for this infraction – as it’s happened twice now in two weeks.

 

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My bro was over and he took her computer from her room and collected her phone from her when she came in the door.  I figured – ok we’ll handle this and move on.  But then the bro started peeking into her phone.  I check her email and her facebook every other month or so, but I don’t check her phone.  If only I had.

I won’t go into all the details here – even tho purging it would do me some good.  But let’s just say that I had to call the police and report a grown man for inappropriate conduct with a minor.  My daughter gave out our new home address and explicit instructions on how to get around some of our security to multiple strangers.  She’s been talking about suicide and very graphic, very dark things with a lot of her friends.  Honestly, it felt like I was in the twilight zone.  I had to read it all, had to get all passwords for everything and go through it all.  There were some things in there that I will never get out of my head again.  The joys of loving someone.

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We’re all rallying around her.  She’s got consequences, but more than that, she’s about to find out what it’s like to have full on supervision and structure and therapy.  She’s going to hate it at first, but damn it… I want my little girl to make it in this big bad world.  And at this rate, I’m not so sure she’ll make it another year.

I’m shocked.  Appalled.  Pissed.  Scared.  Hurt.  But more than any of that… because I’m her mom, I feel like I’ve failed her.  I know that, realistically, I haven’t.  And that what we do now, moving forward will be the test on whether I truly succeed or fail in helping her find herself.

The ex is fully involved in all of this, and in some ways, he did make me feel a little better because he was internalizing all of this too – blaming himself.  Did we do this?  Did we not set a good example?  Did we forget to do something to ensure that our children flourished as amazing kids, even through the teen years?  Normally, anyone who meets or interacts with my kids says how awesome they are.  Polite, well mannered, happy, affectionate, strong and opinionated.  These are the adjectives I’m used to hearing.  It was strange and shocking to suddenly hear “Mean girl.”  “Bully.”  “Rude.” from her new teachers.  That’s not my kid!  Did someone hit her with a stupid stick?!

The next few weeks shall be interesting.  My child will be experiencing a luddite life…  no more computers, no more internet, no more phones.  No email, facebook, skype, youtube, whisper, or kik.  I’m also going to look into some youth group programs and volunteer programs for her.  She needs to realize how good she has it and learn to see how dumb these actions have really been.

I went and talked with my dad this morning about it all.  Got some advice.  It’s hard, some of what she’s doing I can relate to, but a lot of it, I can’t.  I know how I tackled depression and self worth issues, but I wasn’t that kind of kid.  I didn’t do drugs and I didn’t experiment with sex until I was 18.  So I’m trying my best to at least try and understand from her perspective…. it’s just hard.  I guess I’m old fashioned.  I just hope my hair doesn’t all go grey from this.  At least when my son finally becomes a teenager, I’ll have some practice and experience under my belt!!

Goodnight neverland.  Much love.

lipstick kiss

Couch surfing…

JenLeave a comment

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Ok , this title is a bit misleading… but only sort of.  I talked to my Dad tonight.  I asked if it would be possible, on weekends when I don’t have the kids, if I could come stay with him and the family.  I was nervous, as I wasn’t entirely sure what he would say.  But he was kind and sweet and caring and said that I am always welcome.  He asked me what was going on and I shared.  To sum it up – I need some space.  The energy in the house, when the kids aren’t around has been negative and depressing lately and I honestly can’t stand it.  I find it to be making me anxious and since I’m not typically an anxious kind of person, it helps me realize just how much I need a break from it.

I may go check into a hotel somewhere, I may go stay at a friends, and now, if I need to, I have the option of staying with my dad.  Having those options makes me feel better about things.

My housemates and I sat down and discussed budgets and plans.  I am planning on being out of here and into a new place by April 1st.  And no, that’s no fools joke.  I feel better now that we all sat down and planned things out.  Everyone is on the same page.  I know what I have to contribute to the house, and worked out a very detailed budget for myself in order to meet the savings goals I have set.  All of that, plus my tax return and my bonus, I will be more than capable of buying a home and covering the moving costs and having a small cushion for those home owner surprises that are bound to come up.  I’m proud of myself.  I’m not always very good at speaking up.  I’m far too often “the nice one” who ends up being a doormat.  And I’m not doing that now.  I’m taking care of me and the kids first – everyone else comes after that.  It’s a first for me.  And oddly – it feels good.

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Today was day 1 of 3 of a very intense review session of the work I’ve been doing since October.  So far, things are going very well.  I’m proud, and relieved, and nervous as there are still 2 more days of this.  Everything I’ve been building and documenting and testing is being analyzed and picked apart.  I have to have reasoning and data to support every decision I’ve made and have to have contingency plans already prepped and ready in case something isn’t approved.  It’s been a very long few months with a ton of hours, even travel to get this far.  In roughly 2 weeks, my part of this project will be complete.  Another check in the box, another project to add to my portfolio – but this one is a bit different.  It’s the first time I’ve looked at this industry (TV and cable) and in the past, I’d probably pass on it.  It wasn’t glamorous or exciting enough.  But I’m trying to build the start of something to re-shape and re-think the way we think about our TV’s.  It’s not there yet – but it will be…and it’s kind of cool. 🙂

Well – I better get some sleep.  Another long day tomorrow.  Thankfully, no reviews tomorrow, just a day full of meetings with all my direct reports.  Goodnight neverland.

lipstick kiss

Learning life lessons

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It has been an interesting few days.  I’ve had 4 days off from work, and I won’t lie, they were most welcome.  Stress has been building up for me lately, and the few days off to sleep in, play games, eat good food, and hibernate were much appreciated.

Thursday, the plan was to do nothing.  Boring, I know.  But I have been boycotting Thanksgiving for 6 years now.  Ben died 2 days after thanksgiving and it just left a bad taste in my mouth. So I plan nothing.  Sometimes, I’ll get a hotel room, other times I’ll just binge watch movies.  The kids go to enjoy thanksgiving with the ex in-laws.  So it’s usually just me.  Around 10 am, my phone rang.  It was my brother and my father asking if maybe I’d like to come join them for turkey.

And this year – oddly enough – I said thank you and that yes – I’d love to.  You see, I’ve never had a thanksgiving with my real father.  They were always spent with my mom and step dad.  And they were lovely growing up.  But I always had wondered what it would be like to spend that day with my dad.  I got ready, grabbed a bottle of wine from my collection as an offering for the table and drove up to his house.  I was nervous.  I don’t know my father very well, he is still someone I am getting to know.

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It was lovely.  Relaxed and casual, lots of chatter and play, dad would sing whatever song was in his head… I have always loved my dad’s voice.  Smooth, deep, country… I swear – he could have made a career with that voice.  He laughs when I say that.  To him, he’s just playing around with it.

It dawned on me while I was heading over there.  I’m not angry any more.  The past 6 years.  I’ve been so angry and didn’t even know it.  I was angry with thanksgiving.  Angry at my family.  Angry at my ex.  Angry with the doctors.  Angry with fate.  Angry with God.  I was just… Angry.  And yet – no one knew.  Not even myself.   This year was different.  I didn’t want to boycott.  Suddenly, more than ever before, I just wanted my family.  I wanted to surround myself with the people I feel comfortable with.  The people who I know have my back – always.  Dad wanted me to spend the night… oh how I wanted to.  He and I chatted about all sorts of things.  Life, love, politics, human nature, psychology … some of our topics were light, while others were deep and full of emotions.

Friday, I decided I wanted to cook.  So I cooked a full feast, from scratch.  No canned goods, no canned soups, no pre-packaged stuff.  It was incredible.  T, R and I cooked and feasted and made merry.

Yesterday, I had a song stuck in my head.  It was still early and I found myself humming outside.  I’m not typically much of a hummer.  This song was playing insistently in my head to the point where I had to go look it up and just play it.  I found it on youTube.  A song I hadn’t heard in at least 8 years.  The lyrics had me instantly in tears.

I ugly cried.  I bawled and bawled and bawled.  Apparently, once the flood gates opened, there was no stopping it, because I literally spent the entire day in bed.  I still can’t get over what that felt like yesterday.  I’m sure to others I must sound strange.  It was just overwhelming sadness.  And to anyone else, they’d probably say “So?  Haven’t you been sad this whole time?”  My answer to that would be both – yes and no.

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I’ve appeared sad.  I’ve acted sad.  And on some levels, I’ve felt sad.  But really – I don’t think I understood what the sad part of grief looked like until now.

I wish there was an answer book for life.  Is this normal?  No way is it normal.  I realize grief is different for everyone, but shit.  To spend 6 years and not really get to this part of the cycle seems a bit – drawn out.

I don’t want to be angry any more.  And I have been – for a very long time.  Stubborn, Angry, Strong… and maybe I was scared to allow myself to feel sadness to it’s full extent because I was scared that it would somehow make me weak.  And if I was weak – that perhaps it would break me.  So I shoved it aside.  I forced myself to keep my head held high and square my shoulders and just keep moving.  Never allowing myself to really feel.  This weekend – I felt.  I allowed myself to swim in it.  Every time someone would try and cheer me up – I’d go with whatever my heart wanted.  If that meant I’d giggle or laugh for an hour – cool – and if it meant that suddenly a wave of sadness would take over and I’d snuggle under the comforters and just cry and cry – that was ok too.

Oddly – allowing myself to do that has been the most freeing thing I think I’ve ever done.  I don’t think that even I fully realize how often I don’t allow myself to really feel an emotion in the moment.  Perhaps, it is time to allow myself the freedom to practice that.

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I went and visited my Mom today.  We haven’t been as close lately and I’ll fully admit to and take the blame on that one.  I’ve needed some space.  But I was feeling a bit guilty over my silence and decided to drop in.  I’m glad I did.  My mom and I may butt heads, but really, it’s only because we are so alike.  She knows that I will always love her and be there for her anytime she needs it.  And I know I have the same from her.  We’re a family.  Perhaps a bit dysfunctional at times – but we love each other all the same.

Tomorrow, I will return to work.  I’m not ready – my game face isn’t on yet and my energy levels aren’t quite where I’d hoped they would be by now – but oh well.  It is what it is.  I’m about to go into “hell month”.  A month long crazy ride of long hours, short deadlines and lots of work.  🙂  But then January will come, and things will settle down a bit.  I may even get to take a vacation.  Lord knows, I’ll need it.

Much love to you all tonight.  Goodnight.

lipstick kiss

A whirlwind of a weekend

Jen2 Comments

This weekend has been an interesting one.  I could use a weekend after the way this one has gone.  So many ups and downs.  Honestly, lately I’ve felt caught up in a bit of a swirl.  I’m not quite sure which way is up and which way is down.  It’s uncomfortable.  I started writing a blog post on Friday, but due to some computer issues, that post was lost.  Interesting how that post was very much about me heading into a hurricane, where as this post will end up feeling as if I’m slowly coming out of it.  Still disoriented, and unsure of which way to go, but feeling a bit more steady on my feet all the same.

I went out for coffee on Friday morning with a friend.  He called me Mrs. Positive.  “Jen you’d climb up a mountain, get hit by a few boulders on the way up and say “yea but look at this bad ass bruise – it looks like Abe Lincoln!”.”

Yea – ok.  Fine.  I try and go through life wearing rose tinted glasses.  I realize that may seem a bit off.  But I don’t see the point in dwelling in the negative.  I suppose you wouldn’t know that if you read this blog – as I often write about the negatives.  But that is actually because I need somewhere to let some of that out.  I don’t like how negativity feels.  It spews out of your mind.. and sticks around.  It’s hard to break the habit of complaining or always pointing out the negative side of life.  I know a few of my friends and loved ones who struggle with this.  To outsiders, they’d be called “complainers”.  They aren’t.  They just don’t automatically try and find the positives.  I do.  Life has far too many negative stressors – why on earth would I want to dwell on them?!  I’d rather celebrate my small wins – wherever they are.

Tonight, as I logged into Facebook, I was greeted by this:

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6 years ago, I posted these.  He hasn’t been on my mind all weekend.  Other things have been taking up space lately.  Fights with my mother, stressful deadlines at work, drama within the love life, it’s just been a lot to take.  But thanks to Facebook – I am reminded of one more reason why I’m having a tough weekend.  And yet – somehow, seeing his face, seeing mine in this photo and the tentative hope that was on my very tired looking face.  Thanks Facebook.  Oddly, I’m comforted by this today.

I said some horrible things to my mom today.  In the moment, they were earned – even deserved.  But now, I feel bad.  The thing is, I love my mom.  I always have and I always will.  But… Sometimes, she says and does things that are really hurtful.  Sometimes, when she acts that way, I feel worthless or stupid.  As a kid, I can remember the occasions when we’d fight… I hate fighting with her.  We both have very sharp tongues.  I learned it from her.  I have never liked that side of myself.  Makes me wonder if she thinks about that side of herself in a similar light?  I think somehow, that would make me feel better.  She just doesn’t hear me.  She gets so focused on pushing her way that she steam rolls anyone in front of her.  Tunes them out and doesn’t even hear what they’re saying.  Then she’ll have herself so worked up that she won’t hear you until she’s calmed all the way back down again – and that can take some time and patience.  And usually – the person who’s on the other end of that angry woman to cave and compromise or give in.

Sometimes, I don’t want to give in.  Sometimes, I want to be heard.  She doesn’t have to agree with me – hell she can tell me to go fuck off for all I care, so long as she actually HEARS me.  That’s all I wanted today.  For her to hear what I was saying – because if she’d just shut up and listened to the words I’d said – I’d said that I would help her.  That I didn’t care about anything but doing what I could to help her reduce the load and remove the stress.  But she was on such a rant that she couldn’t hear that.  Sigh.  I lost my temper.  I yelled.  I’d asked my grandfather a question, and she yelled at me for daring to go over her head.  I told her that she was not the matriarch of this family, that we were equals and that I was perfectly in my rights to ask him any question I like.  I held my tongue here.  I told her that just because she is my mother does not give her the right to be disrespectful or to treat me that way.  That I may have taken it as a child, but that I didn’t have to take it as an adult.  I told her that if she continued to act like this, she’d end up a lonely old woman who no one would want to be around.  I told her to get counseling.

While I wouldn’t take back any of what I said – I stand my ground on all of it – I still feel guilt over it all.  I hate that.  I can remember as a kid, after these types of situations, I’d feel such tremendous guilt over the situation.  I’d go make her a sandwich or scrambled eggs.  I’d take out the garbage or do some other small chore to try and make up for it.  I wish I could learn a better way to come to a good place with someone after a conflict like that.

Life is short.  I know this better than most.  I know that I’ll keep trying with my mother.  I love her.  She loves me.  She and I have come along way over the years.  I’ve cooled down a lot over the years.  My Irish doesn’t show nearly as often as it used to.  Life has thrown me curves, and I’ve learned to duck and swerve.  I refuse to get caught in the trap of my own negativity.

Tomorrow, I’ll go back to work.  It’ll be another long, stressful, yet glorious week.  I look forward to all the crazy dramatic challenges that will be thrown my way.  And my personal life… I’ll figure it out.  I always do.  Put on a good song, light a few candles, write in my blog, and suddenly, I know that I’ll find my way.