I’m beyond exhausted.  So what started out on friday as a very frustrating and scary situation managed to amplify and get a million times worse and it’s affecting my ability to sleep and eat and be able to function at a somewhat normal capacity.

On Saturday, while at the ex’s, my daughter went and jumped off the side of the deep end of the self control pool.  She is now being admitted to an inpatient psychiatric hospital for adolescents.  I think now, more than ever, I want to get more involved with preventing teen suicide.  It absolutely floors you when you realize that the normal, happy, loving preteen you’ve raised has been wearing a happy mask and really, she needs help.

Until we could get her admitted to the treatment facility, she’s been under observation at the Emergency Room.  We had strict instructions to keep things positive.  No lectures, no tears etc.  THAT has been the most exhausting.  I’ve managed to ask her a few questions, get her to talk to me a little here and there, but overall, she’s acting as if nothing happened and that wanting to harm yourself is a perfectly normal thing.  That I’m making a bigger deal out of it than it is.  It is incredibly draining to keep things positive when you just want to shake your kid and make them see how dumb they’re being.  Not to mention, the actions your kid has taken have put themself, and others at risk!

It’s going to be a long road ahead.  I’ve got to work on being present and there for her in some new ways.  I’m trying to make arrangements to allow me to work from home more often.  Going to look into a few other programs to help her and give her things to keep her mind more occupied on healthy things rather than negative things.

Visits to the ex are to stop.   Well – ok maybe not STOP – but things will be altered dramatically, at least until we’re all confident that she’ll be safe.

It’s been hard this week to not blame myself.  And there is also a part of me that wonders if somehow she’s learned this stupid “happy mask” that she’s been wearing from me.  In fact, who am I kidding, I KNOW she learned it from me.  I’m the one who’s always so focused on being strong, staying happy.  I think somehow she misunderstood that to mean that you aren’t allowed to fall apart, or be sad, or break… and that’s not true either.  You have to be able to let that stuff out somewhere, or it will sit and fester and bubble until at some point – you burst.

Everyday she begs me to be allowed to come home.  And everyday I’ve had to tell her that she wanted our attention – now she has it.  She has to stay and complete the treatment.  That this is her most important priority that she could focus on right now.  She doesn’t get it.  She thinks it’s been fun to sit at the hospital for the last 5 days coloring, watching bad daytime tv and playing Wii with the nurses.  She doesn’t even seem to realize – “hey, mom’s been taking every day off to come and sit and cuddle and watch crappy daytime tv… maybe that’s not good for mom’s job security!” I don’t know what’s going to happen next… all I can do at this point is hope and pray and be there for her every single step of the way.

I’ve got to go run and take care of a few more things, all this time running back and forth between the hospital, I haven’t been able to do much of anything that I need to get done.  I keep reminding myself that it’s ok to be struggling with handling all of this… that i’m doing well at holding things together.  But it’s hard.  So I’m going to go finish up a load of laundry and at least get some dishes done before I have to trek back out to the hospital.  Talk soon.  Much love to you all Neverland.