Tag: suicide

A unique perspective on parenting a teenager

JenLeave a comment

I was talking with an old friend today and it dawned on me that I haven’t written much about my new perspective on raising a teenage girl.  In fact, I don’t think I’ve shared much about that experience at all.  Maybe a few hints here and there in some of my updates.  So here it goes.  I suppose I should say – trigger warning – this will be a rough story involving some very touchy subjects.  I won’t go into great detail – but they are kind of necessary to understand the catalysts behind things.

***** Read above first please *****

It’s been almost 3 years since my daughter attempted suicide.  My girl… my baby… I’ll never forget the phone call from my ex husband.  It was late.  I was to meet them at the ER.  She was ok, physically, but she was not ok.  I was shocked.  I didn’t know it was coming – not by a long shot.  I climbed into that hospital bed and didn’t leave her side.  Quit my job.  Spent a year off just to get her to a healthy place again.  We got therapy for her.. and me.  We talked.  And talked.  And talked some more.  I learned more than I wanted to learn – but wouldn’t change it for anything.  She had her reasons – and while I won’t share any more of her end of that story – suffice it to say that these reasons were valid and justified and horrifying and nearly ripped my heart from my chest when I finally heard them.

Since then… we’ve built a new type of relationship.

We share absolutely everything.  I am transparent with her about absolutely everything.  So long as she asks.  There is no topic off limits, and no topic where I won’t give her a very straight up, very real answer to.  Even when it’s uncomfortable for me. I swear, the first time she asked me about masturbation and sex toys I damn near fell over!  But, over time, it’s become easier and quite frankly it feels more natural.  Sometimes I’ll preface things I say to her with “I’m telling you this because I’m being transparent, but I want so badly to shield you from it…” kind of statement.  Or I’ll say “I’m going to put my foot in my mouth about this…” and then share.

So many who meet us – think I’m nuts.  That i’m too open about things.  Too real.  But she’s going to be a full fledged legal adult in 2.5 years.  And she’s already been exposed to a lot of very grown up situations, as much as I would have wished otherwise.  At this point, the only thing to do, is to be real with her.  To break down and dissect the world around her, and make sure that home is safe, and that the people I let into my world are safe for her too.

And can I say – this whole experiment…because that’s essentially what it is – I am in unknown territory and am just trying to find my way through experimentation… has been eye opening.  I’m glad I went about it.  And I don’t believe it works for EVERY kid.  But I will say, it’s working for her.  She’s blooming.  She feels safe.  She’s making healthier emotional choices and seems to have healthier relationships now because of it.  She’s looking bigger picture and not getting so wrapped up in petty high school drama.  It’s inspiring to watch. The people in our world, who know her, and what she’s been through, have all commented that they see a change in her.  That she seems happy now.  She’s thriving and I’m so proud of the woman she’s become and is still becoming.  When she was born – I remember whispering to her that she was “the greatest thing I ever did”.  And even now – she’s one of 3 of “the greatest things I ever did.”

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A parent’s worst nightmare

Jen2 Comments

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I’m beyond exhausted.  So what started out on friday as a very frustrating and scary situation managed to amplify and get a million times worse and it’s affecting my ability to sleep and eat and be able to function at a somewhat normal capacity.

On Saturday, while at the ex’s, my daughter went and jumped off the side of the deep end of the self control pool.  She is now being admitted to an inpatient psychiatric hospital for adolescents.  I think now, more than ever, I want to get more involved with preventing teen suicide.  It absolutely floors you when you realize that the normal, happy, loving preteen you’ve raised has been wearing a happy mask and really, she needs help.

Until we could get her admitted to the treatment facility, she’s been under observation at the Emergency Room.  We had strict instructions to keep things positive.  No lectures, no tears etc.  THAT has been the most exhausting.  I’ve managed to ask her a few questions, get her to talk to me a little here and there, but overall, she’s acting as if nothing happened and that wanting to harm yourself is a perfectly normal thing.  That I’m making a bigger deal out of it than it is.  It is incredibly draining to keep things positive when you just want to shake your kid and make them see how dumb they’re being.  Not to mention, the actions your kid has taken have put themself, and others at risk!

It’s going to be a long road ahead.  I’ve got to work on being present and there for her in some new ways.  I’m trying to make arrangements to allow me to work from home more often.  Going to look into a few other programs to help her and give her things to keep her mind more occupied on healthy things rather than negative things.

Visits to the ex are to stop.   Well – ok maybe not STOP – but things will be altered dramatically, at least until we’re all confident that she’ll be safe.

It’s been hard this week to not blame myself.  And there is also a part of me that wonders if somehow she’s learned this stupid “happy mask” that she’s been wearing from me.  In fact, who am I kidding, I KNOW she learned it from me.  I’m the one who’s always so focused on being strong, staying happy.  I think somehow she misunderstood that to mean that you aren’t allowed to fall apart, or be sad, or break… and that’s not true either.  You have to be able to let that stuff out somewhere, or it will sit and fester and bubble until at some point – you burst.

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Everyday she begs me to be allowed to come home.  And everyday I’ve had to tell her that she wanted our attention – now she has it.  She has to stay and complete the treatment.  That this is her most important priority that she could focus on right now.  She doesn’t get it.  She thinks it’s been fun to sit at the hospital for the last 5 days coloring, watching bad daytime tv and playing Wii with the nurses.  She doesn’t even seem to realize – “hey, mom’s been taking every day off to come and sit and cuddle and watch crappy daytime tv… maybe that’s not good for mom’s job security!” I don’t know what’s going to happen next… all I can do at this point is hope and pray and be there for her every single step of the way.

I’ve got to go run and take care of a few more things, all this time running back and forth between the hospital, I haven’t been able to do much of anything that I need to get done.  I keep reminding myself that it’s ok to be struggling with handling all of this… that i’m doing well at holding things together.  But it’s hard.  So I’m going to go finish up a load of laundry and at least get some dishes done before I have to trek back out to the hospital.  Talk soon.  Much love to you all Neverland.

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I don’t think I like parenting teens…

Jen1 Comment

Wow, it’s been a pretty crazy couple of days, and I think at this point, I just need to get some of this out, because churning on it in my head is just making me sick to my stomach.

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My daughter.  Sigh.  She’s 13 going on fricken 30.  And had you asked me a month ago, I’d have said, “we’ve got this!  She’s my good girl!”  And a month ago, I believed that.

On friday, I got a call from her school.  She took off from school after getting into an argument with some teachers.  They didn’t know where she was.  Thankfully, I was home, and I tracked her down.  Told her to get her butt home and that she was going to lose her phone and computer for this infraction – as it’s happened twice now in two weeks.

 

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My bro was over and he took her computer from her room and collected her phone from her when she came in the door.  I figured – ok we’ll handle this and move on.  But then the bro started peeking into her phone.  I check her email and her facebook every other month or so, but I don’t check her phone.  If only I had.

I won’t go into all the details here – even tho purging it would do me some good.  But let’s just say that I had to call the police and report a grown man for inappropriate conduct with a minor.  My daughter gave out our new home address and explicit instructions on how to get around some of our security to multiple strangers.  She’s been talking about suicide and very graphic, very dark things with a lot of her friends.  Honestly, it felt like I was in the twilight zone.  I had to read it all, had to get all passwords for everything and go through it all.  There were some things in there that I will never get out of my head again.  The joys of loving someone.

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We’re all rallying around her.  She’s got consequences, but more than that, she’s about to find out what it’s like to have full on supervision and structure and therapy.  She’s going to hate it at first, but damn it… I want my little girl to make it in this big bad world.  And at this rate, I’m not so sure she’ll make it another year.

I’m shocked.  Appalled.  Pissed.  Scared.  Hurt.  But more than any of that… because I’m her mom, I feel like I’ve failed her.  I know that, realistically, I haven’t.  And that what we do now, moving forward will be the test on whether I truly succeed or fail in helping her find herself.

The ex is fully involved in all of this, and in some ways, he did make me feel a little better because he was internalizing all of this too – blaming himself.  Did we do this?  Did we not set a good example?  Did we forget to do something to ensure that our children flourished as amazing kids, even through the teen years?  Normally, anyone who meets or interacts with my kids says how awesome they are.  Polite, well mannered, happy, affectionate, strong and opinionated.  These are the adjectives I’m used to hearing.  It was strange and shocking to suddenly hear “Mean girl.”  “Bully.”  “Rude.” from her new teachers.  That’s not my kid!  Did someone hit her with a stupid stick?!

The next few weeks shall be interesting.  My child will be experiencing a luddite life…  no more computers, no more internet, no more phones.  No email, facebook, skype, youtube, whisper, or kik.  I’m also going to look into some youth group programs and volunteer programs for her.  She needs to realize how good she has it and learn to see how dumb these actions have really been.

I went and talked with my dad this morning about it all.  Got some advice.  It’s hard, some of what she’s doing I can relate to, but a lot of it, I can’t.  I know how I tackled depression and self worth issues, but I wasn’t that kind of kid.  I didn’t do drugs and I didn’t experiment with sex until I was 18.  So I’m trying my best to at least try and understand from her perspective…. it’s just hard.  I guess I’m old fashioned.  I just hope my hair doesn’t all go grey from this.  At least when my son finally becomes a teenager, I’ll have some practice and experience under my belt!!

Goodnight neverland.  Much love.

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